Yogurt cup #101

• So, long time no see. I've put myself in yet another pile of things to do, without thinking much about whether I even have enough time to finish all of it. So typical me, never think much before anything.
• Weird things happened when I was at the beach. Just when I thought, ok I'm good now, I think I'm over him by now, he just came wasping back into my life, asking pointless questions like how I've been doing lately and all. I don't like these kinds of questions, because everytime asked, I find myself at a loss of what to answer. How am I supposed to answer such a question? I've been doing fine, living my awesome busy life and all, still shopping like a psychopath and getting lost every now and always?? There should be a book that teaches girls how to reply to questions like that with kick-ass mindblowing answers.
• And then he apologized. Not for anything in particular. But because I know him (or so I think), and I know uncertainty is one of his big characteristics, I know he's apologizing for that day at the movie theater. Why am I so sure? Because after I ignored his apology he even went back asking me if I hated him or not.
• Moment like this made me realize how I've raised my standards in guys. A month ago he was all I could think about, but then shit happened, and a month later I'm not even excited enough to reply to him, something which I never accomplished to do before.
• I really don't like meaningless actions like this. Because if you were gonna make an impact or really felt bad, then do something while you're not fucking 300,000 miles away. Now he's back to wherever he's from, too bored from hanging out with moose and made such a pointless apology, it just didn't change what'd happened.
• I guess because I've dealt with worse people and worse situations like this, I actually considered this a good move. Because after all, at least he felt bad about what he did, which made it a teeny bit easier for me to think good thoughts about him. I'm just never gonna be satisfied with human actions anyways, so what's the point.
• It's a good thing that because I stack so many long words in this blog, nobody's gonna spend so much time reading what I'm writing, that means I get to write whatever I want.
• Cam broke up with his boyfriend. This is the part where I've always feared, because if there's one thing she's good at, that is destroying herself. The scary thing about Camellia is that, although on the outside she's absolutely fine in just 2 days after the breakup, she's actually eating herself up inside and is putting every bit of energy she has to pull herself up to a standing position. She's like that mermaid in Andersen's story, where she dances so lightly when her feet feel like they're being stung by a thousand needles.
• So much for the last summer. 
• After a large amount of effort (and also a little blood), I've sucessfully pierced the 4 silver earrings on to my earlobes. The problem before was that the stick (you know the part of the earring where they go through your hole) was a little big for my piercing, that was why it was almost impossible for me to get the earring on to the ear. But with a lot of effort they finally made it. I haven't worn permanent jewelry in a long time, feels nice to try that out again.

The little things of me today:
~ favorite food blog: userealbutter.com
~ favorite colour today: orange (of my little notebook)
~ things to remember today: got the volunteer job at that international program
~ red lipstick is a savior

Ice cream cone #98: the ride home

• I'd given quite a lot of thoughts about whether I should start writing another post. Because writing a post only means one thing, that is depression, and as much as I want to let all of the trapped thoughts out of my head, the act of writing them down will hurt me again, and that will also mean that I accept defeat. But whatever, I never know self-control anyways.
• It's a ridiculous society we live in. In the relationship between two people, whoever invests more feelings loses. As I was driving back home from the movie theater today, I thought about how generously and innocently I've always been giving my feelings away to people ever since I was a kid. All of those summer camps always ended up in tears somehow, if not because a guy didn't know my existence it was because he was more enthusiastic with a friend of mine, not me. For all those years I always thought having a lot of feelings was a bad thing, because it doesn't bring me anything but pain to myself, and days and nights of crying and times of ultimate loneliness. I've been so used to entertaining and looking after myself for such a long time that sometimes it feels natural, that I know how to enjoy things by myself, and that I lock down the loneliness on a daily basis. I hate how actually vulnerable I am, underneath all of the normal chatting and busy things that I have to do everyday. 
• That was basically what happened when I accidentally chose the wrong person to be my priority. I couldn't stand for one second hearing about his dates with the other whatever girls, and what they're doing everyday. I don't need any of this. If he wants to hang out with me, why bring up the subject that concerns other girls anyways? If you wanna hang out with them, please do that. I love hanging out with you and all, but I'd rather not go out than go out and find out that I'm only here as a second option, the alternative when your priority can't make it. You have a friend who you talk everyday like your girlfriend, you have a crush that you still take out on dates, and then you have me, the one who's willing to pay for the movie tickets, and run up to wherever you are just to see you. I'm just a freak you somehow picked up on the street and stupid enough to actually believe that you might have a slightest feeling for me.
• He's not even worth these many words. But after what seems like another date,, I went back home feeling used and all rotten inside and it's just ridiculous. Moments like this remind me of that quote from "Art of Getting by": "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion". Good thing to know he's not even real.
• Short thoughts before bed. I'm so tired after such a long day I need to go to bed like asap. Hopefully I won't have to write out of depression for a while.

Ice cream cone #97

• So today I've come to the conclusion that I've somehow alienated every person possible around me out of my comfort zone. That sounds 100% like a bad thing, cause for an extrovert, the worst thing is not to have anyone around and you're gonna have to reduce yourself to mundane individual tasks like reading books or watching movie series or going to that English class that you've deliberately avoided for the past few weeks. It's just not a happy one.
• Everybody has these days, I like to think that. Because otherwise I'd just be this weird antisocial kid who obviously has no patience or tolerance towards absolutely anything, and is superbly annoying to be around. And if in that case, it's society that's alienating me, not the other way around. That's why, like it or not, I have to believe that this is just one of those days. The days when you see friends around you have more interesting things to do, and are waving those fun activities on social media, similar to a pervert waving his handicapped dick at your face trying to be aroused, are the days when you either wish you own a nuclear bomb or pretend that you could call a guy and hook up with him while taking slutty photos with your tongue sticking out of your mouth and champagne spilling on your boobs. This is today for me.
• So immediately the first thought that came to my head was not to speak with those people ever again, which by the way is a completely amateur shot, because after all, the burden of an extrovert is that they usually need others more than others need them. So with this way, you just end up feeling more alone than ever while watching others continue to enjoy life and showing it off through hideously filtered photos on Instagram. 
• And then, the second thought came up. Which was, can I join you? You know, if you can't find a proper reason to hate on people, be one of the hated, so that other antisocial kids could have a chance to loathe and envy you at the same time. I have to admit, this is pretty pathetic, because somehow it looks like your life is so boring you have to cling to something else to make it better. Which, sadly, is exactly the case. So, as much as I want to stand up, get dressed, call everyone I've alienated and offer to join their lives, my pride stops me with  a harsh glare and a mumble of "you don't need them anyways".
• I write way more than I should. I can't even find a reason to write stuff down anymore. I always think that in order to write, you should read first, and I'm not that big of a reader. I'd much more enjoy listening to a good piece of classical music, taking photos or even cooking a new recipe. I guess I just like direct contact, I always have, and reading to me doesn't seem like the best way. Yet after such a shameful confession, I still find myself craving to get my fingers tapping on the laptop keyboard, writing such stuff that nobody reads out of mere satisfaction. I'm a person of a lot of guilt, so writing so much without ingesting anything back in my head in return, also feels like a guilt.
• Just babbling about nonsense. Back to reality. I think I'm gonna really go to that English class today to get things over with. I've been putting my mind everywhere else but the places it needs to be put, and it's got to change.
• Short thoughts on a rainy boring hateful day. I'm gonna take the most useless nap in the world. Good day folks.

Ice cream cone #96: that summer soundtrack

• Although I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, I have to say this is the loneliest I've felt in a while. I can't talk to any of my best friends anymore, because each one of them, imho, are letting themselves sink in unnecessarily self-destructive relationships and I can't help but feel like I'm the last sane one with the smallest bomb in my lap that if it explodes, I'm not gonna be injured as much as they are.
• The hardest part is when you say to them no, I don't judge you at all, just talk to me when you feel like it, I'm always ready. And although I do mean every word, watching them going into the forest with traps lied under their feet and seeing them ignore your warnings isn't as easy.
• I don't even care about it that much, must say. Because I'm not that great of a friend, must say again. I have to confess this to myself in case my future self reads this post and thinks 'oh, I used to be so selfless and caring for others'. I just want them to go back to their normal state so that I'll have my friends back. That's how selfish I am, everything that are seemingly good that I do, I do it for the sake of myself, not of anybody else.
• One thing I have to admit that I've learned the hard way this year is how I don't let go of some stuff very easily. Like how Camellia told me she's not gonna talk to me about her relationship because she needs to talk to an "adult" to feel secure. At that time I just thought it was my pride being hurt, and I usually don't remember it for very long, usually just for a day or so. But it's been 3 days, and I'm honestly drained from any intention of talking to her. What are we even gonna talk about anyways? Are we gonna keep talking about my beneficial relationship, which I don't even have that much problems anymore, or are we just gonna keep up normal conversations about what's going on in the world. She's not gonna even listen. She's too busy freaking out about her relationship, but doesn't wanna talk to me about it.
• I get it that the simple rules that people have lined up for a relationship needs a lot of time and experience to be followed. It took me two years of lying to myself to be convinced that not everyone who kisses you are the one, and don't persuade yourself to believe that people change. It took me meanwhile another year to realize when you fall in love, it's supposed to be fun, and when there's no fun anymore, then it's time to stop. Until recently I've learned that you don't rely on just one person's actions to decide whether today's a good day for you or not. It's difficult for the first-lovers cause they usually give it their all and expect to be given just the same. I'm 99% an optimist about life, but the 1% left of me is wholly dedicated to relationships. I see the dark side in e-ve-ry relationship and I see, or wish to see how they eventually end. Distant relationships, like it's even gonna work. I can't even read all of those lover's stories on tumblr or watch rom-com anymore because to me they're all portraying lies. That's why it's so hard for me to see Camellia biting herself bleeding in this unstable relationship while deciding that I'm not reliable to talk about it.

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• As much as Camellia wants to think a lot and sinks herself in her thoughts all day, I don't wanna be that. I hate myself for thinking wayyyyy too much about such stupid things. I don't wanna think about how I'm somehow holding responsibility in her relationship, and as much as I want it to turn out a train wreck, I can't cause then I'd feel guilty. I hate myself for figuring out why I'm so fed up with the majority of the people like I am at the moment, because then I wouldn't be able to expect anything from anyone anymore. I hate how easily I can spot out the lies in romantic movies, how I notice every change in the way he talks to me, how every time we talk, the enthusiasm drops down a notch. 
• I just wanna lie around being completely useless but not having to think about anyone in particular. Because after all, it's written on my face that I think too much, and that I'm not even attractive, in terms of personality because I'd overanalyze anything anyone does, and then figure out a reason to get bored of them.
• In hindsight, I'm just a terrible replica of a thoughtful and lively person. Why am I always filled with truths and bored consumptions??
• I've been listening to that song "Leave your lover" an awful lot lately. Not the most appropriate song to listen to at the moment, but the melody really speaks to me. I guess it's just another feature of someone who's addicted to sex and lust, I don't like to read the lyrics. I don't want to get to know what the song is about or to whom the artist sings. Every once in a while, I deliberately don't want to sing along to the song, I just like the melody to flow in my head and wake up every emotion possible. But no joke, this Sam Smith kid makes really good music.
• And in a nick of time I realized I've found myself the soundtrack for this summer. Now when I eventually grow out of being so nonsense, and every time I hear a song from this album, every piece of anger, lust and passion will wake up and fill my head. I fear for when that moment comes.
• Such a long post out of a random decision. Should stop here before my babbling gets boring. Have a good one guys.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #95: expecting the rain

• So, for the past 2 days, I was feeling like shit. Lots of news hit me almost at once and I didn't have enough time a space and the right person to adjust to. 
• Good thing is that after a terrible half-morning I just had, I'm kind of more calm now that I've basically established the fallback plan for myself, not exactly the ideal plan that I was hoping, but still, it's new and will release some of the unnecessary energy in my body, which is always a good thing.
• I'm feeling very positive at the moment, surprisingly actually, since I just had a shit night last night kind of rolling around crying about how stupid I am in emotional stuff, and woke up this morning, still feeling a bit like shit.
• The times when you're down, I swear, feels like the longest time on earth. Reminds me of last summer, when I was constantly feeling like shit over so many small things and couldn't find a way to get myself out of it. I guess last summer I didn't even know how to deal with so many negative feelings that I let myself sink in. Such a terrible time. I was not one bit proud of how I was, that's why when last night happened, the only thing I feared was that, is this going to last all summer? I've got one mere week before summer school starts, and believe it or not, the free time that I've had feels enough. Although the idea of going back to school sitting with a bunch of college friends and faking that my summer went great isn't so ideal, it's still better than sitting at home and getting bored to the point where you're paranoid about every single relationship that you have.
• I signed up for gym (again) today. It was so enough when the fourth guy told me that I've gained weight. Thanks for the friendly reminder guys -_-. Isn't it weird how getting into a serious weight-loss program hasn't been something that I've accomplished doing for the past two years, so weight gain wasn't anything surprising. But not anymore. Of course the main reason that I was so determined to do this is to get my head out of bullshit, but still it's one hell of a plan.
• I've been listening to a lot of Sam Smith at the moment. Although it was suggested by him, who's the last person that I'm supposed to take suggestions right now, but music is never a sin, and his album is one of the really good ones that I've listened to in a while, and I'm really really in need of some good summer music. It feels like discovering Daniel Merriweather all over again.
• I'm fearful of the day when I'm gonna get bored of this album, because I've been putting it on repeat for the past week, like, everyday every time. Ughh gonna have to go for another hunt for good music, not happy -_-.
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• Sitting at the perfect view in Pacey expecting the rain that doesn't seem to arrive any time soon -_-. Why rain? Are you just gonna wait until I step out on the street to pour down? Today is one of the very rare days that I'm actually expecting the rain instead of cursing at karma and moaning over my wet boots, and there's this chance that there's not gonna be any raining.
• WHY HASN'T IT RAINED?? It's almost 2pm already! I have a perfect view to observe the world when it rains, and it's windy already, I can see the leaves falling and the trees shaking, so pleeeease rain!
• I'm gonna cut to a short blog this time, since the past few were unnecessarily long, gonna get back to work, which was the original intention when I sat here. Have a great week folks!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #94: a post that goes from june to july

• Guess what, in the midst of a pile of work to do, I chose to write a blog post instead.
• How is it possible that I'm in the demotivated mood again? I can't find reason to do anything anymore, and usually there's a guy involved when I'm like this.
• Although last time there wasn't a guy involved, it's not even true.
• Yes it's about him again. I feel like there's a limitation somewhere hanging in the air about how many interesting things are allowed to happen in my life, and somehow there are days when I'm just so bored and tired like this. I've been reading too many independent and successful blogs written by females to even allow myself to waste time like this. But honestly, my problem is that I can't seem to get myself in a standing position and get all of those things over with. Ughhhhhh the never-ending problem.
• Just wanted to talk about yesterday. Although I've pretty much worked out everything in my head, I still needed a somewhat statement from him, just to be sure, and he's just too much of a kid to even tell me from the start. I was quite astonished at how I wasn't too shocked when he confirmed that there was nothing serious between us. I know that sounds contradictory because I've had a whole year to wrap my head around this, but when the thought of seeing him again started to linger in my head it wasn't even a fully formed thought that could actually come true. But now, after all of the things that I acknowledged and have been through, I don't think the me of last year could handle this. Last year I had no definition of a friend with benefits in mind. I thought of it, but never really knew what it was. There were two choices that I could come up with: one, he must have liked me, that was why he asked me out in the first place, and two, he wasn't interested, which he would be categorized as just the same like 99% of the other guys I've met. But this year, primarily because of the breakup and how everyday I find out more about how emotionally damaged I am, I don't even dare to look for a serious relationship anymore.
• Every relationship, even friendship, starts out like this. It's so much fun and full of sunshine and laughing dates, and then kisses that linger for days. But then it takes its turn and the person who used to bring you all of that joy turned out uglier everyday, and one day you realize that your feelings towards that person doesn't work magic anymore. And that's when you enter the state of having to endure all of the ugliness and heavy feelings but can't break yourself out because then who would even wanna commit to you anymore. And then, if you're just inexperienced in being in a relationship like me, months after the breakup, you're gonna hear stories about how he cheated on you since day one, and how he stooped to a new low and tried to sabotage your social life (which fyi didn't fucking work). And you just realize just the same person you used to invest in so many feelings, now you can't even think of one good thing about, and you spend days trying to convince myself that all of those days of smiles are just a bunch of lies.
• Yesterday he told me that he had feelings for me too, but after this summer we might not have the chance to see each other again, so he wouldn't dare to pop the question. I guess the positive side of my mind just wants me to think that well at least he has feelings for you, not like he just uses you out of physical reasons, which don't seem to appear much apparently. It's a happy thought, you like him, and he likes you too, you both aren't looking for a serious relationship, so let's not think too much about this and just enjoy how much time is left before you fucking never see him again and go off on the last year of your university life and have to worry about bigger things in life. But then I remembered, that was the line that the person said to another affair girl when he was supposedly dating me. So as much as I want to believe it's true, I can't do that completely without my sensibility screaming this is just another trick being played on me, and I shouldn't believe it lest I want to receive another pile of lies.
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• I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to finish this post because I've been writing and writing and then suddenly running out of interest to write and then wanting to write again. I'm like a fucking light switch ughhhh where are my life motivationsss??
• I'm thinking about cancelling my trip to Singapore. As much as my feet love to bounce to places, I really don't think another trip with Cam is gonna be a good idea. It's always a good idea to keep a certain distance to everyone, even your close friends and family, for the sake of the relationship really. Because by the second time we traveled and third time hung out, I was quite fed up and felt myself not being able to let the small things go. Never a good sign. I really don't want to get cranky about such small things and leave the both of us overthinking about it, and for some reason I've been getting cranky much more than usual in the past few days.
• Sooooooo the question is what am I gonna do for the next two weeks before summer school starts. Certainly not hanging out with him so constantly again because apparently he only counts me as a plan B, and I knowww that it happens, but this time it's way too clear that I'm only called for when his plans don't work out. 
• See? It's only movies dates and problems start to show up already. I usually don't like dates to be planned, because it means that I'll have a certain amount of time to prepare myself for it, and there's always a high chance that that person will cancel it in the last minute and leave me with the unused preparations. Camellia loves to say things like, why don't you just stop thinking about it then? Like it's even possible. She would've done the same thing, if not even more, in the same situation, she's not even that sensible of a person to begin with. That's why I love spontaneous dates, because then you don't even have time to think, and the other person will most certainly be there.
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• Again, when am I gonna be able to finish this??
• It's been what, a week since I started this post? New record already, put that in the book. 
• So, the physical finally showed up. I'm not gonna go details about it cause I know there's lots of spies reading this blog, and although I changed my blog link and all, better safe than sorry, right?
• I guess you'll never love and take yourself seriously until you have a friend with benefits. And I dropped 4 pounds for no reason at all, which makes it even better.
• I know this is too abrupt for a post that is worth a week-ful of information, but I'm hungry, it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast just yet. So, stay happy folks, I'm getting something to eat.
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
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• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Ice cream cone #92: rainy summer days

• Because it is like that in this city, summer begins when it starts to rain. I guess it's a good thing since the normal temperature is way too unbearable. On days like today, when there's obviously no sign that a raindrop is to be shed, people simply can't be romantic. I think I wrote about this before, but the happiness of humans in Saigon at this time of the year is reduced to finding a shade to park under when the traffic light turns red, and maybe finding a place with air-conditioning with drinks that don't cost them too much money.
• So on rainy days, when the heat's toned down a beat and the winds are cold, the Saigonese (as I like to call them) try to be as romantic as they can be.
• I like Au Parc. I like it even more when it rains. I looked it up on Google Translate, "au parc" means "at the park" in English. And it does feel like that. The café always has this dark and chilled vibe to it, with a really big window outlooking the park. There's always good music, and I mean really good, with jazz and soul and maybe some contemporary tracks that make people just wanna lay back and enjoy. I guess it happens to other people as well, to have a place that they like for just really small reasons. On rainy days, the guests in Au Parc would just stare at the glazed window and talk about their friends and what good places to eat. They're mostly foreigners, maybe a bit lost, or adventurous in such a chaotic and different city like Saigon, watching the rare rain in the middle of summer and maybe enjoying the music. I like watching people in general, maybe that's why I'm so fascinated with Andy Warhol, but the kind of people who stop at Au Parc always bring with them a story. I like to watch them secretly, follow their stories like a little stalker, and imagine what their lives would be like. I like to do that, not just with people, but with houses as well. I guess the imagination in my head is always hungry for materials, and the talks of the people in Au Parc are just spicy enough.
• It's true, from what I've observed, it's not easy to fall in love with this city. How can you grow feelings at all when you're always worried that your phone's gonna be stolen, that the streets are gonna be jammed, when for at least 20 minutes a day you have to breath in exhaust gas and when there's absolutely no pavement to walk? But you have to learn how to do that I guess, in order to make your life easier. Each day when you get home, feel your pocket and realize that your phone's still there, you're a winning warrior. Each day when you get out of the traffic jam, get home and reward yourself with a foot scrub, you feel like it will get better. At least that's what I do on a bad day, when the city gets difficult.
• I always have this intention in my head that before I go away, I'll spend an entire day doing memorable things with the city. Maybe making a random video, or taking some polaroid photos, or scratching my name on a tree in the park, just to have something to look back on.
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• Soooo, another eventful week. I wrote this post about a week ago I think, and a day passed by and I found myself craving to get in here to recite the things that have happened. But I'm glad I didn't do that, because as days went by, I was able to arrange my thoughts and write down things that don't only serve the purpose of getting the anger out.
• So this is the first step huh? I guess everybody carries a check list by their side, and when stuff happens, they tick on another box on the list of how to be a grown up. I can see why people want to go back to their childhood so badly as growing up does suck, but I'm trying to look on the bright side here.
• And the bright side is that, the more you grow up, the more you can have fun being yourself without being constantly told about how to do things right. That was probably one of the biggest things that I enjoy in my growing up process. I don't know about others, most of my friends are thrilled with this idea, but I know some people aren't very much. Growing up also means you get to be independent of your family. In my case, the more I'm independent, the more I appreciate the value of family. It doesn't even mean that you care less, it just means that you do the work in the family voluntarily. You do it because you care, not because it's something your mom tells you to do. 
• This post is gonna be long and wordy, so no need to read til the end. I'm just gonna babble about random stuff from this point on. It's International Children's Day today.
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• Rain season = shoes damage season. I'm in the hunt for a pair of jelly shoes that will be my savior when the rain decides to pay a visit. I think my Converse were really mad at me today, because they were soaking wet and are now super super dirty. But my problem with finding the right pair of shoes is that, I have elephant-sized feet, comparing to the average population in this country. Therefore, shoes shopping is a more than painful task as it only embraces how much I resemble a troll. Hopefully I'll finally find a pair of satisfying shoes before the rain season's over and all of my boots and sneakers and flats are completely damaged.
• It's been raining even more now, almost everyday this week. It's a good sign, since it's still sunny (a little bit too sunny if you know what I mean) in the morning, gets really pleasant at noon as the sky becomes cloudy and the temperature drops significantly, and then here comes the big ass rain that only lasts for an hour or so, depends on where you live. After the rain, everything becomes nicer. I'm trying to form a habit of taking a walk every evening before work, as it helps with the digestion of dinner and gives me more energy, therefore the rain helps with cleaning up the streets and cooling down the temperature. After about half an hour of walking yesterday I felt so good that I thought to myself "I have to make a habit out of this!". When you don't get wet, rain is everything that a person could dream of in this city.
• As my stomach has given me the final warning, and as for today I am no longer a third year student and have officially entered the summer vacation, I'm gonna set up a healthy lifestyle. I guess during the year I always convince myself that I didn't have time for anything, so I allowed myself to be a slacker when it comes to working. Last summer I thought, when I have the time, I'll devote myself to work completely, but it happened otherwise, which was that I spent too much time going out and doing whatever it was that I can't even remember, and neglected my work just as much as I did throughout the school year. That's why I'm a little bit scared that this summer's gonna be the same, unless I motivate myself from the start, that things have to be different. I have a few ideas to elaborate, hopefully I'll be able to do them all alongside with the travelling and going out with friends.
• Again, so so sorry for the length of this one, I just simply have a lot to say. The content of this post is the sum of around three normal posts, had I published them normally. I think the main reason is because tumblr has been really short on beautiful photos lately that I wasn't able to find any that were suitable for my mood. But as I'm feeling very motivated today, I'm gonna publish this long ass post no matter what haha. Please bear with me.
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• I have so so so much to write down, but I guess I'll take some time to form it more properly in my head and save it as material for another post. 

Ice cream cone #90: a weird day

• When I started out this yogurt cup/ice cream cone thing I thought numbering the posts would be a good idea, as I can keep track of where my thoughts flow and how they gradually change as the numbers go bigger. And that was pretty much how it works. I think the yogurt cups are the most accurate scale of how I became such a person, as I don't write them that often, cause I always feel like being at a loss for what to say each time I do two of them in a short time.
• I always had this notion in my head is that, what would I react if I saw myself in the future. Would I hate my future self for being too old and unnecessarily mature, or would I find myself such a badass? 5 years from now I might not have time to write blog anymore (although I sincerely hope that I will), have a job, have a closetful of working clothes and a counter full of makeups. I might start to worry about premature wrinkles, or how much sugar my boyfriend (presumably that I'd have a boyfriend by then) consumes everyday and such and such. I might just be anybody but myself at that moment. Normally I'd find that thought exciting as I love changes, and I'm trying very hard to be positive about the future, but right now the thought scares me, I'm going to turn into someone I don't even know.
• Reading back the yogurt cups I just realized how immature I was back then, with all of the things that happened in my relationship and last summer and my 19th birthday. You simply can't write the same after such stuff. That also makes me wonder what will happen next, and how drastic will my writing change because of these ongoing things. 
• This post is by far full of confusion haha. 
• I'm lining up some ideas for the photo-blog so that I won't get brainwashed during sleep and forget everything tomorrow: repost unpublished Hanoi photos, repost unpublished Flower Street photos and post the new rooftop shoot. Three upcoming posts so far, hmmm soooo exciting!
• Another idea is that I'll take photos of all of my favorite things in summer and put them in a post. Like, sweets, places, smells, colors, music and stuff. I'm starting to feel like the photo-blog is leaning on the personal side again and I'm doing it for my own pleasure. Oh well, if that's the case then I guess I just had another source of inspiration.
• So, briefly about today, I ran into 2,5 at the Cakes & Ale bakery, while I was sitting with Camellia talking about how she saw her crush going to the movies with (yet) another girl looking all intimate and stuff. I was talking too, about how I'm preparing myself mentally for that summer breakdown that I know somehow I will have. 
• I should've realized how fucked up this relationship with him a long time ago, probably from last summer, and should've had the strength to break it off and save myself that lot of time. Now thinking back at all of the milestones of the relationship, they would've painted a milestone red about 10 or 12 miles before the end, but I guess I was scared, and weak, and didn't know myself that well back then to realize the warning. But well, you learn something new everyday.
• As much as I hate to admit it, because it makes me sound like a terrible friend, I don't like being upset for too  long. People who think too much, are subjective and have a tendency towards literature often enjoy the trauma, according to my observance. It serves as an inspiration to them, just the same as my tragic little stories give me material to write a long blog post every now and always. But in all honesty, although they probably don't feel like it, I don't like to emotionally torture myself that way. But the reason why I always wind up being in the same situation as them is because: I get bored too easily. When life is peaceful again and all of my friends are nice and I'm enjoying this single life, I get bored, that's why I have to go on and find myself a drama. And what drama could be faster and more explosive than a guy? So in summary, I literally scatter my emotions and actions around just for the mere reason of boredom, and hell do the karma come back.
• I just really hope this new Lana Del Rey record is good enough to get me through 3 months of summer.

Another good one. People read Chicken Soup, I read this.

"
You are stronger than you realize.
You are more cruel than you realize.
The smallest words will break your heart.
You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
Never stop yourself from texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9:30 a.m., tell them again.
Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
You will be scared of all kinds of things— of spiders and clowns and eating alone— but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes, someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners, but still fill a bed.
Always be friends with broken people. They know how to survive.
You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
You will be okay.
You will be okay.
"

Ice cream cone #89: another eventful weekend

• So basically in the last post I just summed up a few events that was happening to me then. Now I'm gonna sum up what's been happening to me in a more recent timeline.
• Remember that guy that I was flirting with? Well, he made his pick, and decided to go after a girl who was unbelievable, in terms of character, appearance and morality. Lol way to go. I backed out the very moment I heard he was going after some other girl, not needing to know who it was. If there's one lesson I've learned after my 2 and a half year relationship, it is going to be, never let your emotions get the best of you. After I heard who he was after, I was like, screw him, I'm waaaaaay better than that. Bitch mode: on.
• Right in the days when I'm, nevertheless, still a bit gutted about the above news, that summer fling kid decided that it was a good time to check on me on facebook. You have to understand the situation is that, after the breakup I changed a lot, in terms of thinking with more sense, protecting my feelings from guys and indulging myself. So when I approach the guy in university, and probably when I approached a few guys before him, I was in a safe position where I could see everything clearly, and could back out whenever I felt like it wasn't fun anymore (which is now, how impeccable). That made me think, oh gooooood, I'm evolving, I'm partially immune from guys now, it's a good sign.
• And then he started talking to me, saying that he'll be back this June and wants to hang out and shit. And clear as crystal do I know what will actually happen in those hangout dates. But the problem is, I knew him when my mind wasn't immune, so all of the protections that I have on right now kind of doesn't work on this guy.
• I've been trying to think of terrible sad things that I will have to endure if I let this go too far, so that I won't get too excited and lose control and do shit that I'll regret the entire summer. One emotionally damaged summer is so enough. He knows how to get me though, being all caring and soft, and to be honest, in my darkest moments this year, when I felt more alone than ever, my mind still wandered around the thought whether he would come back at all, and if he did, would he call me up again, cause I thought it was something like a sign that confirmed that he really liked me or something. And then it did happen, and I felt more like shit than ever now that I have to recall all of the shitty feelings that I had to deal with last time when he was gone. So if I can hope for anything right now, I'll only hope for strength, and clarity in vision, so that I won't stupidly hurt myself again and buy 3123 pieces of makeup in hopes of healing.
• So yeah, my summer has started its own routine without me being able to control it. Wish me luck on this hailstorm full of weirdos guys, I'm gonna need it.
• Another thing, head over to my photography blog to observe my trip to escape the heat of the city through a bunch of tacky photos. Thanks so muchhhhh *hearts fly*

Photo source: Tumblr

Yoghurt cup #76: The things that have happened that fucked up my mind constantly

• God knows how many things have happened in my trip. Just being around my sister in her 90 last glorious days before she gets married kind of changed everything.
• I'm gonna have to say the breakup incident has taken me to an unexpected journey that lasts through the entire summer. I would write all of them in a book or grab someone interested to tell them about all the things that have happened but I wouldn't know how to end such a story like that.
• Haha I was going to talk about how he appeared on my Facebook feed with my boss, and then someone commented "why don't you guys date already?" and then the ugliest and most shameful thought just grew out of my head, but apparently there have been a lot of he's to talk about in my summer, he's just gonna be one of them.
• It's all bad timing. The Lord really knows how to give people the opportunity to learn new things.
• Wild thoughs moment: this is all preparation, because I didn't have any experience last time, but I guess I'll still stay like this even though I've been through years of experience. If magically somehow it works, it won't last for long. Something's gonna go wrong, and this time, I won't have anyone to run back to like last time. 
• And I'll lose a friend who means so much to me, in a much more painful way.
• He always has his ways of making me feel like I'm accepted no matter what. No matter what I dress, what I say, all of the crazy things I did and all of the breakdowns I've been through, I can tell he still sees me as the same person. And I really don't know to express how thankful I am just knowing someone like that is still somewhere in this world. Makes me believe at the end of the day, when I'm laying my head rest and all of the ugly things in the world come dancing on my chest, I can just tell myself, oh, it's ok, I'll just tell him about it sometimes and he'll understand.
• Not necessarily that I have to tell him about every-single-incident that have happened in my life, although up until now I kind of have been, because it would be a selfish thing to do. He can just take a glance at my simple life and know where my problem is, whereas I'm drowned in his personal life although I'm just still standing on the outside looking in.
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• He's leaving tomorrow. Everything that has happened around him has been somewhat the most unexpected and spontaneous and everyone would be pointing their finger at me laughing at my stupidity for actually falling for someone like that.
• If I wrote a novel about the three guys who took my summer to a journey, he would be the least to write about. Instead, the storyline would go as how I've been living without him, and how I fight the thoughts of people keep telling me that he actually has feelings for me.
• I think I learned from the experiences that happen around the dates that I have with him rather than the dates themselves. It would be random stories of doing normal things throughout the day and then something hits me and I realize it reminds me of him, and I convince myself it's ridiculous to even think about it and then carry on.
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• Third one was actually the key point. It was the cause of all of this. Up until now, all I have in mind when I think about him was worry. But I can't set my foot too deep anymore because one, I don't have the right anyways, and two, if I set one foot in, I'll just get myself attached to something that I know won't go anywhere.
• I sincerely hope he's ok, I can find my way out of that maze in my quest for the summer journey, but now that I don't know about his journey anymore, I'm not sure how he copes.
• I'm out of things to write about this. Maybe another time then.

Yoghurt cup #75: short torn thoughts

• Facing the only place where I can feel most true, I can't help but having to ask myself one question, sincerely and considerately: what are you doing?
• I feel like a shadow covering patterns on a marbled floor. Not a fully formed creature, depends deeply on outer events, always feels nervous of vanishing once there's no more light. I don't really know what I'm doing, I can't guess my feelings anymore. I was having this thought, just do whatever the heck basic instincts tell you to do, because eventually the overall sadness of yours is going to shadow this one detail about how you could let yourself get into a kind of relationship that you don't, even for one second, believe in.
• Every once in a while people let themselves do something so out of the rules. But I didn't just let myself, it was so bland a relationship that I didn't even have to pick myself up in order to get used to it.
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• When I told my mom the other day, I think the only thing she needs to do right now is wait, like I did, like everyone around that age did, she's a much better person than I am, I kind of regret it. All of the weak and humiliating things about myself were never said out loud. We all know they're there, but just saying the thing out loud really did make me believe I'm that kind of person.
• I'm having a daily routine now, get up at 8.30, breakfast, do the 12 o'clock article, lunch, take a short nap, go to English class for about 2 hours or 3, get back home or flee to somewhere with food, have dinner at home or not, get back to the articles and emails, go to bed relatively late, repeat. I'm not sure if it's even a good thing to form a schedule, it feels almost like I'm trapped in some kind of cage. But I don't sleep for a terribly long time in a day anymore, so I guess everything has its benefits.
• If there is one thing that really can scare me right now, it would be that I can't speak to you anymore. This summer has gone on very weirdly I don't want any interruptions that make me any more unbalanced than I already am.

Yoghurt cup #74

• It felt like the first time I wanted to hold his hands. I remember it was another hang-out date that we had to get me out of that boring English class. We were walking that road near the biggest department center in the city, I was wearing the same nail polish color, dressed in jeans and a striped T-shirt. I wanted to hold his hands so badly that I did it, like a normal gesture that you do when someone's hand is so close to yours, pretending (or not) that I needed someone to hold on to when crossing the street. We were both happy, I think, with nothing on our minds, no jobs, no incidents, no arguments and breakups and hurtful words. We were nothing to each other, and I had to really hold myself back every night when the thought about him crept in because what if he doesn't like me back?
• I think he knew what was going on today, I was really thankful when he touched my hand, basically the same feeling when I first held his hand, but in a darker, more desperate way. We were there, on that windy rooftop, holding each other with every single feeling in the world, but without an easy way to express it, because considering the current situation, every movement is inappropriate. If I hadn't have this stubborn character, maybe it would still have worked.
• I really wanted to cry today, when we were on the rooftop, just to let it out when I still could. But somehow I couldn't. Not wanting to know about him anymore. And then what? Pretending to talk like nothing had happened, like you didn't just lie there crying yourself out for nights and nights, but the mere thought of still being able to talk to him still thrills you to the bone. And then what? Being on a date with him, having him acting sweet and caring and smiling at you with the smile that you know he only has with certain people. And then what? Having him kiss you unexpectedly when you can't even think or cry anymore. And then what?
• Then what?
• Have I run out of my chances? I can't balance myself anymore between wanting desperately to be with him all the time, talking to him about every single detail about the world and hearing him talk about how cameras are made around the world and what are you doing you're hurting yourself. It's like using drugs to reduce pain, when it wears off, you can feel the pain crawling back to your body slowly, turning into something you're no longer familiar with. And there you are, alone in the dark, fighting a new kind of pain desperately when all you think about is another dose of drugs to make this go away for one moment.
• Because most of the time I can't figure anything out, I've been letting instinct having its way. Oh well, you can't get any more desperate than this, might as well do what you think is best at the moment.
• It's terribly late at night. When will this be over?

Yoghurt cup #73

• Scorpion's most basic nature is revenge. It never settles to the short end of the story, if it's hurt, the others must know, and feel the same, if not worse. But, there's something that's left unsaid about Scorpion. It's not going to be that brutal if someone could truly understand what the meaning of all the crazy acts it's putting, and tell Scorpion that it's OK, someone gets you, I've been through what you're going through, and it's going to get better. Stop making yourself miserable. Here's some ice cream, here are some good books, read them and you'll find your will to move on.
• But if I had someone like that, someone to hand me books and ice cream, I wouldn't be sitting here all messed up talking to my blog like this.
• I don't understand how people could go through relationships easily, like, how do you even feel when you break up, when after the breakup you do a bunch of fucking silly things that you know exactly why you do that and how stupid they are but you still do anyways because you're desperate like that. I know, I know exactly why I did all of the things I did for the past few days, but I couldn't control it, I couldn't let myself pile up with all of the anger, the sadness, the eagerness, the hope that was happening at once, I had to let it out somehow. And my way of letting it all out wasn't exactly the very sober way I guess.

• I'm out of tears to cry. This evening when I was washing the dishes and really had a moment to let all of this sink in, my mind replayed everything with unnecessary details and clarity, but I was just like that, with a hole somewhere in my chest and my eyes completely dry. Every once in a while, I lose my ability to cry, which is somewhat a good thing because one, I usually have trouble breathing normally after crying and two, I was able to think a bit clearly and not fall into the depth of emptiness.
• This constantly reminds me of last January, when I was experiencing this for the first time. But this time is even worse, because last time only lasted for a month, and it ended up quite happily I guess. I don't even know when this will end, and I feel useless.

• I can't I can't I can't I just keep looking back for the way things used to be but his words blocked me from entering the sweet garden. He's run out of patience, and so should this be over with. Going back to the old track seems to be the safest way to get myself out of the miserable state, but what will happen? How long will I be able to live with those words shadowing my mind?
• Har-har, basically, whatever choice I make, I'm still desperate, and miserable, and hurt.
• That's quite nice to know actually.
• I'm going to bed.

Yoghurt cup #71

• Here come the drastic changes and the me who can't keep up with what's going on in my life.
• I've probably felt it last time I wrote, but this time I was certain. It's saddening to realize that those who used to get you, or whom you think did, now don't. It's like walking home with a friend and trying to talk as much as you can before getting to the intersection or the spot where you have to split up. If it's the walk home from school, you can still walk it the next day, or the day after that, but if it's the walk that leads to somewhere farther, then you're left alone.
• Actually, I chose to be alone. There were really lots of things to process for the past few days and I need a good two or three days just lying around not communicating with anybody just to find a clue in all of this. This is honestly too much, like, I have to keep my head sane or else I'd make wrong choices.
• I dreamed about someone whom I've met twice yesterday. Don't know why it left such an impression. I dreamed about something that was true before I had the slightest clue about it. The main thing was, when I woke up and the entire dream story sunk in, I knew right away that somehow this story is going to be real.
• I don't know about him and how he feels, but to me, we're processing as friends much better than as lovers. Probably because both of us are at a stable stage where nothing, or nobody, vast is interrupting, and I tend to stay that way. Nevertheless, I still have anxiety that something very random is gonna come and hit me by the face, and although I don't have the faintest reason to get upset, I still will, and ruin the perfect "positive life perspective" scenario I'm creating for myself.
• Actually, not seeing each other is a good idea I think, so that I don't get into temptation and do things uncontrollably. We still talk, and he's still an amazing listener and does the best he can to be sane for me when I'm all messed up like this.
• Now that we don't hold any responsibility for each other, we're doing everything willingly I guess. I'm not saying that this doesn't upset me, probably all of this mental instability I'm having is the aftermath of the breakup, but I'm saying that this should be the right choice.
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• I re-synced a couple of the phone numbers from my old to new phone. I think my list adds up to only about 20 or 30 people. And I've been living very comfortably with that contact list.
• Made me realize I don't have, and don't have the need to have, that many people around. Not to mention in my very narrowed contact list there are a couple of numbers from my boss and coworkers, and one from the guy that I've been trying very very hard to push away for the past few months.
• One thing that I've been regretting and will be regretting for a long time ahead is the time when I allowed myself to go out with him. It broke one way too many rules in my playbook and it wasn't even fun! I deleted the part where I wrote about him on my last post, cause I'm just so fed up with him I don't even want him to have anything to do with my life anymore.
• My #1 rule when it comes to relationship, or at least making a pathetic attempt to imitate or seek one: honesty. God he just kept appearing in my life flinging that so-called playboy trick of his, thinking that I'd be fooled by that. Just that mere thought of being valuated that I could be owned by those tricks really really bothers me.
• I apologize for my words in some of the very long ago posts where I said that I wanted someone to go after me. Now I take it back. The "someone" definition scares me now.
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• In the end, trees with the same root die with each other. 
• It's nice to know someone's still making an attempt to read these things I wrote.
• I'm not very sober at the moment, not by the meaning of getting drunk and not being able to walk or pee properly, but mentally, like, when it comes to making pros and cons and deciding which factor has the more important impact on my life, I'm completely an idiot. That's why, I need time, to let all of this thinking that I've been doing for the past few days sink in, then I'll take a deep breath and think of what to do next.
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• My mom said that those like me are naturally harder to find someone they can trust and keep around. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• It's been a long yoghurt cup, hope you've prepared some gummy bears to eat along. I'm tired and my throat hurts, so I'm going to bed now.

Yoghurt cup #70

• People people people. How they've all chosen today to fucking piss me off.
• I was gonna recite every single story that pissed me off in the past 2 hours, but, it's childish, that's why I've chosen to think to myself, they're probably gonna go fuck themselves at some time in their lives, that's why they end up having a crappy job and not even doing it correctly oh mY GODD
• Breathe Jenny, breathe.
• I've been put into some sort of thinking mood lately, the main thing was that when he was away enjoying a vacation somewhere on the beach I was at home, hanging out with my friends realizing that the people whom I've been almost 100% sure understand me turn out not. And sometimes I just need someone to listen to me rather than giving me lectures and advice, which are things that I can give myself anyways.
• Long story short I need him around.
• Now I know the feeling of weird frustration he usually gets every time I travel and he stays at home waiting for me to get back.
• I don't normally write about him a lot like this, I like to keep the thoughts to myself. But this time got a bit too emotional and lied around sobbing and stuff, so I guess I had to find a way out.
• My yogurt cups haven't been quite fun lately, I wanted to write something fun to read but I only wanted to write when I'm not sober.
• How come I don't have a summer tag?
• It's still raining so I can't go home yet. The mere thought of having to stay at home scares me. It's too usual. I don't understand how friends just keep asking me to stop by at their house, if I wanna be at a comfortable house, I'd be at my house, wrapping my blanket watching Ugly Betty.
• My God Ugly Betty is goood! Another thing I don't understand is that people don't seem to appreciate Ugly Betty like I do, they always think that it's some sort of mediocre sitcom that has ugly characters. Ughhhhh the frustration of trying to convince people that the plot of this series is so good it's even similar to Gossip Girl season 1 and 2!
• He's home tomorrow, I'm thinking about buying something as a welcome home gift, which is a bit ridiculous cause his trip was 3 days, and I haven't the slightest idea of a decent gift, food probably works best.