Yoghurt cup #75: short torn thoughts

• Facing the only place where I can feel most true, I can't help but having to ask myself one question, sincerely and considerately: what are you doing?
• I feel like a shadow covering patterns on a marbled floor. Not a fully formed creature, depends deeply on outer events, always feels nervous of vanishing once there's no more light. I don't really know what I'm doing, I can't guess my feelings anymore. I was having this thought, just do whatever the heck basic instincts tell you to do, because eventually the overall sadness of yours is going to shadow this one detail about how you could let yourself get into a kind of relationship that you don't, even for one second, believe in.
• Every once in a while people let themselves do something so out of the rules. But I didn't just let myself, it was so bland a relationship that I didn't even have to pick myself up in order to get used to it.
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• When I told my mom the other day, I think the only thing she needs to do right now is wait, like I did, like everyone around that age did, she's a much better person than I am, I kind of regret it. All of the weak and humiliating things about myself were never said out loud. We all know they're there, but just saying the thing out loud really did make me believe I'm that kind of person.
• I'm having a daily routine now, get up at 8.30, breakfast, do the 12 o'clock article, lunch, take a short nap, go to English class for about 2 hours or 3, get back home or flee to somewhere with food, have dinner at home or not, get back to the articles and emails, go to bed relatively late, repeat. I'm not sure if it's even a good thing to form a schedule, it feels almost like I'm trapped in some kind of cage. But I don't sleep for a terribly long time in a day anymore, so I guess everything has its benefits.
• If there is one thing that really can scare me right now, it would be that I can't speak to you anymore. This summer has gone on very weirdly I don't want any interruptions that make me any more unbalanced than I already am.