Ice cream cone #98: the ride home

• I'd given quite a lot of thoughts about whether I should start writing another post. Because writing a post only means one thing, that is depression, and as much as I want to let all of the trapped thoughts out of my head, the act of writing them down will hurt me again, and that will also mean that I accept defeat. But whatever, I never know self-control anyways.
• It's a ridiculous society we live in. In the relationship between two people, whoever invests more feelings loses. As I was driving back home from the movie theater today, I thought about how generously and innocently I've always been giving my feelings away to people ever since I was a kid. All of those summer camps always ended up in tears somehow, if not because a guy didn't know my existence it was because he was more enthusiastic with a friend of mine, not me. For all those years I always thought having a lot of feelings was a bad thing, because it doesn't bring me anything but pain to myself, and days and nights of crying and times of ultimate loneliness. I've been so used to entertaining and looking after myself for such a long time that sometimes it feels natural, that I know how to enjoy things by myself, and that I lock down the loneliness on a daily basis. I hate how actually vulnerable I am, underneath all of the normal chatting and busy things that I have to do everyday. 
• That was basically what happened when I accidentally chose the wrong person to be my priority. I couldn't stand for one second hearing about his dates with the other whatever girls, and what they're doing everyday. I don't need any of this. If he wants to hang out with me, why bring up the subject that concerns other girls anyways? If you wanna hang out with them, please do that. I love hanging out with you and all, but I'd rather not go out than go out and find out that I'm only here as a second option, the alternative when your priority can't make it. You have a friend who you talk everyday like your girlfriend, you have a crush that you still take out on dates, and then you have me, the one who's willing to pay for the movie tickets, and run up to wherever you are just to see you. I'm just a freak you somehow picked up on the street and stupid enough to actually believe that you might have a slightest feeling for me.
• He's not even worth these many words. But after what seems like another date,, I went back home feeling used and all rotten inside and it's just ridiculous. Moments like this remind me of that quote from "Art of Getting by": "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion". Good thing to know he's not even real.
• Short thoughts before bed. I'm so tired after such a long day I need to go to bed like asap. Hopefully I won't have to write out of depression for a while.

Yoghurt cup #74

• It felt like the first time I wanted to hold his hands. I remember it was another hang-out date that we had to get me out of that boring English class. We were walking that road near the biggest department center in the city, I was wearing the same nail polish color, dressed in jeans and a striped T-shirt. I wanted to hold his hands so badly that I did it, like a normal gesture that you do when someone's hand is so close to yours, pretending (or not) that I needed someone to hold on to when crossing the street. We were both happy, I think, with nothing on our minds, no jobs, no incidents, no arguments and breakups and hurtful words. We were nothing to each other, and I had to really hold myself back every night when the thought about him crept in because what if he doesn't like me back?
• I think he knew what was going on today, I was really thankful when he touched my hand, basically the same feeling when I first held his hand, but in a darker, more desperate way. We were there, on that windy rooftop, holding each other with every single feeling in the world, but without an easy way to express it, because considering the current situation, every movement is inappropriate. If I hadn't have this stubborn character, maybe it would still have worked.
• I really wanted to cry today, when we were on the rooftop, just to let it out when I still could. But somehow I couldn't. Not wanting to know about him anymore. And then what? Pretending to talk like nothing had happened, like you didn't just lie there crying yourself out for nights and nights, but the mere thought of still being able to talk to him still thrills you to the bone. And then what? Being on a date with him, having him acting sweet and caring and smiling at you with the smile that you know he only has with certain people. And then what? Having him kiss you unexpectedly when you can't even think or cry anymore. And then what?
• Then what?
• Have I run out of my chances? I can't balance myself anymore between wanting desperately to be with him all the time, talking to him about every single detail about the world and hearing him talk about how cameras are made around the world and what are you doing you're hurting yourself. It's like using drugs to reduce pain, when it wears off, you can feel the pain crawling back to your body slowly, turning into something you're no longer familiar with. And there you are, alone in the dark, fighting a new kind of pain desperately when all you think about is another dose of drugs to make this go away for one moment.
• Because most of the time I can't figure anything out, I've been letting instinct having its way. Oh well, you can't get any more desperate than this, might as well do what you think is best at the moment.
• It's terribly late at night. When will this be over?

Yoghurt cup #73

• Scorpion's most basic nature is revenge. It never settles to the short end of the story, if it's hurt, the others must know, and feel the same, if not worse. But, there's something that's left unsaid about Scorpion. It's not going to be that brutal if someone could truly understand what the meaning of all the crazy acts it's putting, and tell Scorpion that it's OK, someone gets you, I've been through what you're going through, and it's going to get better. Stop making yourself miserable. Here's some ice cream, here are some good books, read them and you'll find your will to move on.
• But if I had someone like that, someone to hand me books and ice cream, I wouldn't be sitting here all messed up talking to my blog like this.
• I don't understand how people could go through relationships easily, like, how do you even feel when you break up, when after the breakup you do a bunch of fucking silly things that you know exactly why you do that and how stupid they are but you still do anyways because you're desperate like that. I know, I know exactly why I did all of the things I did for the past few days, but I couldn't control it, I couldn't let myself pile up with all of the anger, the sadness, the eagerness, the hope that was happening at once, I had to let it out somehow. And my way of letting it all out wasn't exactly the very sober way I guess.

• I'm out of tears to cry. This evening when I was washing the dishes and really had a moment to let all of this sink in, my mind replayed everything with unnecessary details and clarity, but I was just like that, with a hole somewhere in my chest and my eyes completely dry. Every once in a while, I lose my ability to cry, which is somewhat a good thing because one, I usually have trouble breathing normally after crying and two, I was able to think a bit clearly and not fall into the depth of emptiness.
• This constantly reminds me of last January, when I was experiencing this for the first time. But this time is even worse, because last time only lasted for a month, and it ended up quite happily I guess. I don't even know when this will end, and I feel useless.

• I can't I can't I can't I just keep looking back for the way things used to be but his words blocked me from entering the sweet garden. He's run out of patience, and so should this be over with. Going back to the old track seems to be the safest way to get myself out of the miserable state, but what will happen? How long will I be able to live with those words shadowing my mind?
• Har-har, basically, whatever choice I make, I'm still desperate, and miserable, and hurt.
• That's quite nice to know actually.
• I'm going to bed.