Ice cream cone #99: the one who stays

• It's kind of a special thing for me, writing the 100th yogurt cup/ice cream cone post. Believe it or not, I've pictured the day when I reach the 100th post since the very first days when I started putting my thoughts into dots at the beginning of every sentence. I could never imagine the walks I've walked to get here, and the amount of time that it took has exceeded my expectations vastly. I honestly thought that it would only take somewhat a year to reach the number, but it turned out to be 4 years and 4 months.
• 4 years. Imagine that. I can feel the molecules in my body change even everyday, not to mention 4 years. I started this blog when I was 16, never thinking it would play such a big part in keeping the most important pieces of my experience throughout the years. But the only thing one can predict about the future is its unpredictability, and look where we are now. Hopefully this will still be the home of my many complicated and confusing thoughts haha

• I'm gonna write about the days when I feel good, just in case the next day will be a terrible day and I don't have anything to look back on.
• So, I got weak again. I'm like an addict who always finds herself an excuse to use drugs. I basically did everything to prevent myself from going to this rabbit hole and do more stupid things, but guess what, no self-control. 
• This is what happened last time, and I'm experiencing about 4984 feelings at once. I'm obviously ridiculously joyous to spend any time with him, constantly remind myself not to enjoy it too much because he's not even mine, and after yesterday even had to prepare myself for the upcoming future when I once again plays the one who stays.
• When I say I want to go to Germany, I really mean I wanna be the one who leaves just for once. I've been seeing people off at the airport for so many times, and in those many times I never stopped wondering when it would be my chance to leave. Will it still be as exciting as it is now or will it be filled with worrisome thoughts and tears and sadness?
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• I don't even know how to enjoy things without feeling lost. Yesterday was really nice. But I'm the worst human being ever, because in moments when he hugged me for no reason at all, or when we just talked about random things (and we rarely talk, because let's face it, what would we even talk about), half of my thoughts were devoted to the idea of what would you do when he leaves. I've read lots of motivational talks about how you should just seize the moment and enjoy the little things while you still can, but it's not so easily done as it is on words. I'm so weak and it's ridiculous. I've been listening to Sam Smith an awful lot lately, mostly because his music is truly good, but every time I listen to the record, I think about him. Just slightly, not of a specific thing or anything, but just imagine when I've finally grown worn of the album and randomly hear a song played in a coffee shop or through the phone of a friend, how would it make me feel?
• This was supposed to be filled with blissful feelings from spending an entire day with him, and look what it's turned into.
• I'm too fascinated with humans it's just so hard to just concentrate on somebody just for sex, or physical attraction. Most of the people around me don't get me excited nearly half as much as he does, and I don't even know why. The more I want to unravel what goes on in his life, the more fearful I get about whether it'd turn out ugly and I won't even be able to keep a nice image about him - someone I used to crush that summer. 
• "Crush", such a funny choice of word, Jennifer. I haven't categorized my liking in guys like that anymore. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I have a couple of guy friends who are surprisingly patient when I start pouring stories about my life and him, who I can maybe consider as my crush but not very likely since I've decided that I only like him because of the physical attraction, not because of a specific set of character or anything.
• The weird thing is that, I have so much going on in my life right now, like summer school, that kid I'm tutoring German, my job, my enthusiasm for new movies, my new lens and the bunch of my friends who are spending time back home before leaving for the last two semesters in their wonderlands. And he still creeps into my thoughts somehow. I hate it, I hate when I'm almost completely ruled by just one person, and he doesn't even know how much of a psycho I am.
• I swear if he only knew half of the things that go on in my head he would never wanna see me again. Or maybe if he just read this blog he'd know how big of a creep I actually am. 
• This is emotional suicide. In about two months when you're lying on your bed completely alone your head's gonna be filled with memories of every-single-date that you'd had with him, and it's gonna eat you up so quickly you can't even cry anymore. 
• I wanna fast forward my life to the point when he'll be gone like for the longest time and I will no longer live in the state of waiting. I've been so desperately seeking a person who understands me when I'm talking about how I like to peek into the windows of old apartment buildings and imagine my life in one of those strange houses, and I guess it's both because life is hard and because my standards are too high that I just grab people who fulfill my needs partially, and tell myself this is just a temporary solution, and I'll loose this lifestyle once I've found the right person. It feels like living on a string, because the people I've chosen can leave at anytime, and I'd end up feeling more lonely than before I started, blaming myself for my stupid decisions while watching unrealistic movies about how easily it is for people to fall in love.
• Ohhh don't you just love the youth crisis.

Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
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• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Yoghurt cup #60

credit: tumblr

• Had a heartache-free day today. In a parallel world, I had a good day today. A little tired, a little dazed by slightly overthinking, but I managed to have my carefree moments of the day, bought a box for my camera to sleep in at night, and as I stuffed all of my stuff in it, it turned out to look more professional than I'd expected. It looks like a little working kit of mine now :-)
• I love pop culture. Merely because of the diversity. When everyone's so different and unique, you have a feeling that within each of them, there's a part that doesn't fit in with the world. They're smart to learn from, cool to watch, fashionable to be around with, but they have their time of loneliness, just like everybody else. Only for the pop culture people, they express it by their form of art.
• At least it's my ideal world of pop culture. I know it's misunderstood and mistaken, and I'm gonna have to google again for the correct word of the phrase I described above.
• Today as I was walking home from the bus stop the song Your heart is an empty room by Death Cab For Cutie came up and I thought, did I just find my life phasic soundtrack for the moment? And I believe it was because of the crappy exaggeration of the bass sound that the sucker Nokia earphones made that altered the song from the original but for a minute there it sounded really great. And suitable with my mood in an incomprehensible way, well not according to the title because that would be slightly creepy. I think it's probably the way the background music kind of invaded the space that was supposed to be the lyrics, unpremeditatedly creating more depth for the song.
• Wolves & Buck's Dr. Martens' series makes me crave for a pair so badd ... Although the Martens are ridiculously overpriced here in Narnia and the designs aren't really that creative and I'm sure there's something wrong with the quality also, I still wanna own a pair in black or in dark maroon. It's probably high time I left the girl world to be on my way to the group of kids who can't see the difference between guys & girls' clothes.
• "If you're gonna come to hate someone later in life, give them a dslr camera and watch them struggle with craving and saving up money for lenses and accessories"- Alex.
• If you keep saying random genius quotes like that Alex I think I'm gonna have to write about you.
• Pet human takes my thoughts to a whole other level. I need to sort this notion out before even thinking of applying it in real life.
• I'm gonna go to bed early tonight hoping this tiredness that I'm feeling will help me with an instant, no lying around thinking bullcrap sleep.
• Doing the 241 project without the pressure of having to take one good & representative photo is like doing homework voluntarily without thinking about whether the teacher's gonna check it the next day or not. I need to train this evolution to apply it to other numerous situations in life.
• Other emotional situations to be exact.
• Okay enough with the crappy talk. Hope you had a nice Monday and have a happy Tuesday folks :D