Ice cream cone #99: the one who stays

• It's kind of a special thing for me, writing the 100th yogurt cup/ice cream cone post. Believe it or not, I've pictured the day when I reach the 100th post since the very first days when I started putting my thoughts into dots at the beginning of every sentence. I could never imagine the walks I've walked to get here, and the amount of time that it took has exceeded my expectations vastly. I honestly thought that it would only take somewhat a year to reach the number, but it turned out to be 4 years and 4 months.
• 4 years. Imagine that. I can feel the molecules in my body change even everyday, not to mention 4 years. I started this blog when I was 16, never thinking it would play such a big part in keeping the most important pieces of my experience throughout the years. But the only thing one can predict about the future is its unpredictability, and look where we are now. Hopefully this will still be the home of my many complicated and confusing thoughts haha

• I'm gonna write about the days when I feel good, just in case the next day will be a terrible day and I don't have anything to look back on.
• So, I got weak again. I'm like an addict who always finds herself an excuse to use drugs. I basically did everything to prevent myself from going to this rabbit hole and do more stupid things, but guess what, no self-control. 
• This is what happened last time, and I'm experiencing about 4984 feelings at once. I'm obviously ridiculously joyous to spend any time with him, constantly remind myself not to enjoy it too much because he's not even mine, and after yesterday even had to prepare myself for the upcoming future when I once again plays the one who stays.
• When I say I want to go to Germany, I really mean I wanna be the one who leaves just for once. I've been seeing people off at the airport for so many times, and in those many times I never stopped wondering when it would be my chance to leave. Will it still be as exciting as it is now or will it be filled with worrisome thoughts and tears and sadness?
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• I don't even know how to enjoy things without feeling lost. Yesterday was really nice. But I'm the worst human being ever, because in moments when he hugged me for no reason at all, or when we just talked about random things (and we rarely talk, because let's face it, what would we even talk about), half of my thoughts were devoted to the idea of what would you do when he leaves. I've read lots of motivational talks about how you should just seize the moment and enjoy the little things while you still can, but it's not so easily done as it is on words. I'm so weak and it's ridiculous. I've been listening to Sam Smith an awful lot lately, mostly because his music is truly good, but every time I listen to the record, I think about him. Just slightly, not of a specific thing or anything, but just imagine when I've finally grown worn of the album and randomly hear a song played in a coffee shop or through the phone of a friend, how would it make me feel?
• This was supposed to be filled with blissful feelings from spending an entire day with him, and look what it's turned into.
• I'm too fascinated with humans it's just so hard to just concentrate on somebody just for sex, or physical attraction. Most of the people around me don't get me excited nearly half as much as he does, and I don't even know why. The more I want to unravel what goes on in his life, the more fearful I get about whether it'd turn out ugly and I won't even be able to keep a nice image about him - someone I used to crush that summer. 
• "Crush", such a funny choice of word, Jennifer. I haven't categorized my liking in guys like that anymore. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I have a couple of guy friends who are surprisingly patient when I start pouring stories about my life and him, who I can maybe consider as my crush but not very likely since I've decided that I only like him because of the physical attraction, not because of a specific set of character or anything.
• The weird thing is that, I have so much going on in my life right now, like summer school, that kid I'm tutoring German, my job, my enthusiasm for new movies, my new lens and the bunch of my friends who are spending time back home before leaving for the last two semesters in their wonderlands. And he still creeps into my thoughts somehow. I hate it, I hate when I'm almost completely ruled by just one person, and he doesn't even know how much of a psycho I am.
• I swear if he only knew half of the things that go on in my head he would never wanna see me again. Or maybe if he just read this blog he'd know how big of a creep I actually am. 
• This is emotional suicide. In about two months when you're lying on your bed completely alone your head's gonna be filled with memories of every-single-date that you'd had with him, and it's gonna eat you up so quickly you can't even cry anymore. 
• I wanna fast forward my life to the point when he'll be gone like for the longest time and I will no longer live in the state of waiting. I've been so desperately seeking a person who understands me when I'm talking about how I like to peek into the windows of old apartment buildings and imagine my life in one of those strange houses, and I guess it's both because life is hard and because my standards are too high that I just grab people who fulfill my needs partially, and tell myself this is just a temporary solution, and I'll loose this lifestyle once I've found the right person. It feels like living on a string, because the people I've chosen can leave at anytime, and I'd end up feeling more lonely than before I started, blaming myself for my stupid decisions while watching unrealistic movies about how easily it is for people to fall in love.
• Ohhh don't you just love the youth crisis.