Ice cream cone #94: a post that goes from june to july

• Guess what, in the midst of a pile of work to do, I chose to write a blog post instead.
• How is it possible that I'm in the demotivated mood again? I can't find reason to do anything anymore, and usually there's a guy involved when I'm like this.
• Although last time there wasn't a guy involved, it's not even true.
• Yes it's about him again. I feel like there's a limitation somewhere hanging in the air about how many interesting things are allowed to happen in my life, and somehow there are days when I'm just so bored and tired like this. I've been reading too many independent and successful blogs written by females to even allow myself to waste time like this. But honestly, my problem is that I can't seem to get myself in a standing position and get all of those things over with. Ughhhhhh the never-ending problem.
• Just wanted to talk about yesterday. Although I've pretty much worked out everything in my head, I still needed a somewhat statement from him, just to be sure, and he's just too much of a kid to even tell me from the start. I was quite astonished at how I wasn't too shocked when he confirmed that there was nothing serious between us. I know that sounds contradictory because I've had a whole year to wrap my head around this, but when the thought of seeing him again started to linger in my head it wasn't even a fully formed thought that could actually come true. But now, after all of the things that I acknowledged and have been through, I don't think the me of last year could handle this. Last year I had no definition of a friend with benefits in mind. I thought of it, but never really knew what it was. There were two choices that I could come up with: one, he must have liked me, that was why he asked me out in the first place, and two, he wasn't interested, which he would be categorized as just the same like 99% of the other guys I've met. But this year, primarily because of the breakup and how everyday I find out more about how emotionally damaged I am, I don't even dare to look for a serious relationship anymore.
• Every relationship, even friendship, starts out like this. It's so much fun and full of sunshine and laughing dates, and then kisses that linger for days. But then it takes its turn and the person who used to bring you all of that joy turned out uglier everyday, and one day you realize that your feelings towards that person doesn't work magic anymore. And that's when you enter the state of having to endure all of the ugliness and heavy feelings but can't break yourself out because then who would even wanna commit to you anymore. And then, if you're just inexperienced in being in a relationship like me, months after the breakup, you're gonna hear stories about how he cheated on you since day one, and how he stooped to a new low and tried to sabotage your social life (which fyi didn't fucking work). And you just realize just the same person you used to invest in so many feelings, now you can't even think of one good thing about, and you spend days trying to convince myself that all of those days of smiles are just a bunch of lies.
• Yesterday he told me that he had feelings for me too, but after this summer we might not have the chance to see each other again, so he wouldn't dare to pop the question. I guess the positive side of my mind just wants me to think that well at least he has feelings for you, not like he just uses you out of physical reasons, which don't seem to appear much apparently. It's a happy thought, you like him, and he likes you too, you both aren't looking for a serious relationship, so let's not think too much about this and just enjoy how much time is left before you fucking never see him again and go off on the last year of your university life and have to worry about bigger things in life. But then I remembered, that was the line that the person said to another affair girl when he was supposedly dating me. So as much as I want to believe it's true, I can't do that completely without my sensibility screaming this is just another trick being played on me, and I shouldn't believe it lest I want to receive another pile of lies.
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• I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to finish this post because I've been writing and writing and then suddenly running out of interest to write and then wanting to write again. I'm like a fucking light switch ughhhh where are my life motivationsss??
• I'm thinking about cancelling my trip to Singapore. As much as my feet love to bounce to places, I really don't think another trip with Cam is gonna be a good idea. It's always a good idea to keep a certain distance to everyone, even your close friends and family, for the sake of the relationship really. Because by the second time we traveled and third time hung out, I was quite fed up and felt myself not being able to let the small things go. Never a good sign. I really don't want to get cranky about such small things and leave the both of us overthinking about it, and for some reason I've been getting cranky much more than usual in the past few days.
• Sooooooo the question is what am I gonna do for the next two weeks before summer school starts. Certainly not hanging out with him so constantly again because apparently he only counts me as a plan B, and I knowww that it happens, but this time it's way too clear that I'm only called for when his plans don't work out. 
• See? It's only movies dates and problems start to show up already. I usually don't like dates to be planned, because it means that I'll have a certain amount of time to prepare myself for it, and there's always a high chance that that person will cancel it in the last minute and leave me with the unused preparations. Camellia loves to say things like, why don't you just stop thinking about it then? Like it's even possible. She would've done the same thing, if not even more, in the same situation, she's not even that sensible of a person to begin with. That's why I love spontaneous dates, because then you don't even have time to think, and the other person will most certainly be there.
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• Again, when am I gonna be able to finish this??
• It's been what, a week since I started this post? New record already, put that in the book. 
• So, the physical finally showed up. I'm not gonna go details about it cause I know there's lots of spies reading this blog, and although I changed my blog link and all, better safe than sorry, right?
• I guess you'll never love and take yourself seriously until you have a friend with benefits. And I dropped 4 pounds for no reason at all, which makes it even better.
• I know this is too abrupt for a post that is worth a week-ful of information, but I'm hungry, it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast just yet. So, stay happy folks, I'm getting something to eat.