Ice cream cone #98: the ride home

• I'd given quite a lot of thoughts about whether I should start writing another post. Because writing a post only means one thing, that is depression, and as much as I want to let all of the trapped thoughts out of my head, the act of writing them down will hurt me again, and that will also mean that I accept defeat. But whatever, I never know self-control anyways.
• It's a ridiculous society we live in. In the relationship between two people, whoever invests more feelings loses. As I was driving back home from the movie theater today, I thought about how generously and innocently I've always been giving my feelings away to people ever since I was a kid. All of those summer camps always ended up in tears somehow, if not because a guy didn't know my existence it was because he was more enthusiastic with a friend of mine, not me. For all those years I always thought having a lot of feelings was a bad thing, because it doesn't bring me anything but pain to myself, and days and nights of crying and times of ultimate loneliness. I've been so used to entertaining and looking after myself for such a long time that sometimes it feels natural, that I know how to enjoy things by myself, and that I lock down the loneliness on a daily basis. I hate how actually vulnerable I am, underneath all of the normal chatting and busy things that I have to do everyday. 
• That was basically what happened when I accidentally chose the wrong person to be my priority. I couldn't stand for one second hearing about his dates with the other whatever girls, and what they're doing everyday. I don't need any of this. If he wants to hang out with me, why bring up the subject that concerns other girls anyways? If you wanna hang out with them, please do that. I love hanging out with you and all, but I'd rather not go out than go out and find out that I'm only here as a second option, the alternative when your priority can't make it. You have a friend who you talk everyday like your girlfriend, you have a crush that you still take out on dates, and then you have me, the one who's willing to pay for the movie tickets, and run up to wherever you are just to see you. I'm just a freak you somehow picked up on the street and stupid enough to actually believe that you might have a slightest feeling for me.
• He's not even worth these many words. But after what seems like another date,, I went back home feeling used and all rotten inside and it's just ridiculous. Moments like this remind me of that quote from "Art of Getting by": "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion". Good thing to know he's not even real.
• Short thoughts before bed. I'm so tired after such a long day I need to go to bed like asap. Hopefully I won't have to write out of depression for a while.