Ice cream cone #96: that summer soundtrack

• Although I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, I have to say this is the loneliest I've felt in a while. I can't talk to any of my best friends anymore, because each one of them, imho, are letting themselves sink in unnecessarily self-destructive relationships and I can't help but feel like I'm the last sane one with the smallest bomb in my lap that if it explodes, I'm not gonna be injured as much as they are.
• The hardest part is when you say to them no, I don't judge you at all, just talk to me when you feel like it, I'm always ready. And although I do mean every word, watching them going into the forest with traps lied under their feet and seeing them ignore your warnings isn't as easy.
• I don't even care about it that much, must say. Because I'm not that great of a friend, must say again. I have to confess this to myself in case my future self reads this post and thinks 'oh, I used to be so selfless and caring for others'. I just want them to go back to their normal state so that I'll have my friends back. That's how selfish I am, everything that are seemingly good that I do, I do it for the sake of myself, not of anybody else.
• One thing I have to admit that I've learned the hard way this year is how I don't let go of some stuff very easily. Like how Camellia told me she's not gonna talk to me about her relationship because she needs to talk to an "adult" to feel secure. At that time I just thought it was my pride being hurt, and I usually don't remember it for very long, usually just for a day or so. But it's been 3 days, and I'm honestly drained from any intention of talking to her. What are we even gonna talk about anyways? Are we gonna keep talking about my beneficial relationship, which I don't even have that much problems anymore, or are we just gonna keep up normal conversations about what's going on in the world. She's not gonna even listen. She's too busy freaking out about her relationship, but doesn't wanna talk to me about it.
• I get it that the simple rules that people have lined up for a relationship needs a lot of time and experience to be followed. It took me two years of lying to myself to be convinced that not everyone who kisses you are the one, and don't persuade yourself to believe that people change. It took me meanwhile another year to realize when you fall in love, it's supposed to be fun, and when there's no fun anymore, then it's time to stop. Until recently I've learned that you don't rely on just one person's actions to decide whether today's a good day for you or not. It's difficult for the first-lovers cause they usually give it their all and expect to be given just the same. I'm 99% an optimist about life, but the 1% left of me is wholly dedicated to relationships. I see the dark side in e-ve-ry relationship and I see, or wish to see how they eventually end. Distant relationships, like it's even gonna work. I can't even read all of those lover's stories on tumblr or watch rom-com anymore because to me they're all portraying lies. That's why it's so hard for me to see Camellia biting herself bleeding in this unstable relationship while deciding that I'm not reliable to talk about it.

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• As much as Camellia wants to think a lot and sinks herself in her thoughts all day, I don't wanna be that. I hate myself for thinking wayyyyy too much about such stupid things. I don't wanna think about how I'm somehow holding responsibility in her relationship, and as much as I want it to turn out a train wreck, I can't cause then I'd feel guilty. I hate myself for figuring out why I'm so fed up with the majority of the people like I am at the moment, because then I wouldn't be able to expect anything from anyone anymore. I hate how easily I can spot out the lies in romantic movies, how I notice every change in the way he talks to me, how every time we talk, the enthusiasm drops down a notch. 
• I just wanna lie around being completely useless but not having to think about anyone in particular. Because after all, it's written on my face that I think too much, and that I'm not even attractive, in terms of personality because I'd overanalyze anything anyone does, and then figure out a reason to get bored of them.
• In hindsight, I'm just a terrible replica of a thoughtful and lively person. Why am I always filled with truths and bored consumptions??
• I've been listening to that song "Leave your lover" an awful lot lately. Not the most appropriate song to listen to at the moment, but the melody really speaks to me. I guess it's just another feature of someone who's addicted to sex and lust, I don't like to read the lyrics. I don't want to get to know what the song is about or to whom the artist sings. Every once in a while, I deliberately don't want to sing along to the song, I just like the melody to flow in my head and wake up every emotion possible. But no joke, this Sam Smith kid makes really good music.
• And in a nick of time I realized I've found myself the soundtrack for this summer. Now when I eventually grow out of being so nonsense, and every time I hear a song from this album, every piece of anger, lust and passion will wake up and fill my head. I fear for when that moment comes.
• Such a long post out of a random decision. Should stop here before my babbling gets boring. Have a good one guys.