2015

• Is it that time again when people do that sort of throwback to what they did the entire year? I don't remember doing it the last years here, but since this year has been one hell of a year, I guess it's fair that I write things down.
• Crazy how time flies huh? In some ways it feels like 2 weeks ago when I got back home from Germany, still doesn't feel like home, like if I knock on the wall, Victor will knock back from his room and I'll climb over the window and we'll drink really cold tea and talk about girls and video games. But it feels like 3 years since I last saw my grandpa. It's just how my mind works I guess.
• As I said, one hell of a year. I managed to score a trip to Thailand for a conference, which is probably one of the proudest things I've ever achieved. I somehow managed to get a visa for Germany, now looking back at it I honestly don't know how driven I was in those sunny days of March to get that pretty little sticker visa on my passport. I managed to fly 17 hours alone to Germany, which a luggage that's larger than life, somehow got down to the Bielefeld station after a very nervous 3-hour train journey. I somehow managed to carry that damn luggage up to my little room in Unistrasse, frowned upon the fact that the kitchen was a complete mess, opened my completely empty section in the kitchen and thought, goodness I will never be able to memorize all of this thing.
• But then I did. I know how to get to Penny, how to get to Jahnplatz, to the Rathaus to extend my visa. I survived a 6-hour train delay due to one of the biggest thunderstorm Germany is to witness. I made friends, actual friends to hang out with at lunchtime in mensa, and oh, I figured out how mensa works, and goodness is it magical. I started talking with Jason about stationery in mensa, snuck in Victor's room to watch Game of Thrones, somehow even had the guts to ask Cornelius to help me correct the grammar mistakes to my presentation. I somehow managed to survive 2 presentations, which is minute comparing to those who study there and the amount of presentations that I had to do at home, but still. I managed to figure out how not to get lost inside that giant library, and that my section is at gate D, always gate D. I somehow managed to memorize the way to Morgenbreede on that morning, when I was loathed by everyone and only had Ivan to be friends with. I still remember bringing a cup of hot cocoa to his place, only to have him comment, you have a weird way of making cocoa. 
• And then there's the drunk song, the controversial sleepover, the walk in the park with Victor ended with that random kiss in front of the giant tree monster in pitch dark. Then there were the times when I traveled alone, the days where we ate so much Haribo our tongue turned blue, the day Gabriele got so drunk he screamed nonsense to passers by while pouring beer on the street. I met that couple in Belgium and made them this really really false spring rolls, but they were so nice they complimented them anyways. Then there's the epic incredible legendary trip to Dortmund consisting of 11 people with 10 nationalities. I went to Amsterdam with possibly the worst companion, then I went to Paris with the best one, playing that guessing game while waiting hopelessly to get into Le Catacombs. I saw the Eiffel Tower while sitting on a tram, with street musicians playing in the background. I had to literally pinch myself to believe that I was there.
• I could write til tomorrow, cause like I said, one hell of a year. Moments like this make me really wish I have that full memory capacity thing, where I remember everything and not let anything get away. 
• But then there's the incident, there's the thing with my grandpa, there's regret. There's blaming myself for not being there, for being drained of emotions so fast and so heartlessly. There's nights of crying and asking myself 'why did I do this', 'why didn't I do this'. There's the poem that I keep with me everywhere I go but wouldn't bear to read. There's the flight back home, the disappointment, the desperate hope that I will make it out of here some day. There's not always happy moments.
• But what the hell, I'm gonna end the year with some more traveling, wrapping the year of 2015 in between flights, which is kind of my dream to be honest.
• I think last year I wrote something like, may 2015 be a kick-ass awesome year. And it was. Well, I'm pretty sure 2016 won't be as exciting, and I have to admit, it's hard to top such a year, but I'm willing to believe Sinatra, the best is yet to come. Make the most out of life, it's all I have for now.
• Have a good night folks. Wherever you are. 

yogurt cup #112

• on and off and on and off again
• I haven't been feeling very fine, no surprise, why else would i write anyways? Or it's probably just that I've napped for too long and now I'm a little disorientated and tired. That sounds more likely.
• Some days it feels nice, like today. Today made me wanna actually pick it up and like make something out of it, some other days I just regret it the moment he steps into my room.
• I'm killing myself and I know it. It's probably the period speaking as well, as I'm experiencing severe mood swings and listening to the weirdest music right now.
• I haven't graduated. And some of my friends have, naturally, and they're having a ceremony today at the university, with capes and diplomas and shit. I'm not too big a fan of capes, but I'm a huge fan of ending my miserable years at the university and being able to apply for scholarships to go somewhere.
• Today at my office there's also this big ass party celebrating the website's birthday. I don't feel it, and normally I'd just go because of the food, cause they usually have fancy parties at Korean barbecue restaurants and who would turn down a free barbecue set? But this year I guess the budget's tight and people's gotten creative, so instead of fancy barbecue, there's the plastic chair bar and getting drunk all night. Which, as you might have noticed, I'm not a big fan of.
• So, after the longer than usual siesta, I'm upset because I'm left out at both of the places I'm working in. And I hate being left out, probably more than anything.
• Don't get me wrong and assume I'm a straight-edge or something. I love getting drunk. But with the right set of people, who will do crazy reckless shit when they're out of control. My group of friends in Germany has set the bar pretty high on that one. So when I got back, I was riding my motorbike through these bars and discos around the city, trying to see if it gets me excited again and if I could find a way to find any escapism to the mundane circle in this vast city, did I realize it doesn't make any sense if you're with the wrong people.
• I love Camellia, I do, cause frankly who would I hang out with if not her? But she's the depressed type, the type that would stay at home for 8 days straight wearing one set of clothes, although washing her hair 17 times per day, eating 5 boxes of cream puff ordered online and binge-watching a series of Chinese emo-series. She's not the going to the bar getting drunk kissing strangers letting them touch your boobs kind of girl. I've seen her in those kinds of environment, and that was kind of defining, in terms of 'ok how about we get outta here and find some food'. I miss getting crazy, and seeing people get reaaaaaaaaaaally racist when they're drunk. I once met this guy, who I'm pretty sure has a fetish for Asian girls, as he approached me in that weird way after he was flinging it with another Asian 5 minutes before. It's kind of fascinating to see how weird people can act when it comes to race, one of the things that make me glad to stay here is that I'm not constantly worried that I'm being judged.
• I'm just trying to act like an adult in all of this stuff, which is fucking difficult when you just really wanna rage quit and live in poverty while people look at you with sorry eyes. It's fine that my boss finds Camellia's work more credible than mine, and basically asks her to run the damn column alongside with me. But it's probably me, it's probably cause I have bad work attitude, cause I'm irresponsible and shut down my phone sometimes, cause I don't have that girly 'sense' that's needed for this job. There's probably a million people who can do the job better than I do, I just got lucky for a moment.
• Last week I was fully motivated, thinking I could handle this, I'm doing well, I got this. This week with the period comes a lot of mood swings. Why do girls have to suffer from this? Is this why sexism exists?
• So anyways, here are a few acceptable shots from my recently developed film roll. It's my first, so there's a lot to fix, but this is more fun than it proposed.

yoghurt cup 109

• Oh wow.
• Can you believe it? Last time I wrote a blog post, it was the first one from Germany. And here I am again after 6 whirlwind months that were probably the most memorable time of my life so far, sitting in my room full of postcards and maps and train tickets that I collected from all of my trips, feeling two thousand things but not one slice of sleepiness thanks to the jet-lag. Time sure does fly when you enjoy yourself huh?

• Where do I even begin to describe it? I didn't even have time to stop and write a blog about it. Trust me, I've written a lot in my phone, in my notebook, but a blog post apparently requires much more time and contribution than just a bunch of scribbles. And when you've written for long enough, you feel less comfortable to share them on the internet, where people can somewhat find out and read about it.

• I wonder who even reads this blog anymore except for me. I've been writing just for myself for such a long time, but secretly, in a little corner of my mind, I still wish for this blog to have an audience. Every writer needs a good reader, and I'm too much of a show-off to want that haha
• When I think about my passport, about my postcard wall back in that room number 5008 in Bielefeld, I like to think "this girl's traveled the world". I'm proud, I've outdone myself in those trips, just the little things that I thought I'd never be able to do, like figuring out the tram system in Berlin, carrying heavy backpacks in Paris, having a scar on my knee for falling from a bike in Amsterdam, doing couchsurfing, and just being alone and content at the same time. The world is large, and oh do I know that. I've met people who's traveled much much farther than me, and who has all kinds of stories to tell that's gonna make you burst out laughing, but at the same time secretly admire their journey. I've met people covered in scars and smiles, telling the story of how I shouldn't be ashamed of my marks, and how they've fought a deadly fight. The world is still large, still full of wonderful things to see, and I'm feeling proud to unveil one little page of it.

• We never dated, and we never broke up. It all seems like a joke, and we just jokingly tell people "oh, she's my 'it's complicated'", when in fact, what we feel is just too simple. We want an irresponsible relationship where everybody gets their dream. We found each other in the silently chaotic corner that is Germany, I was drunk and he was standing with the thought, why don't I just get this over with already. After all, I got to be the girl in the relationship for a little time, and he has somebody to practice his romance to. And jokingly, we tell each other, 'I'm not waiting for you anymore, it's just pointless'. Probably after some time I'm gonna read back to this and be surprised at myself for feeling that much for a person at that time, gonna lay my back down to the sofa thinking, what a good time I've had. It's too beautiful to spoil that although I'm sad that it ended, I wouldn't have done anything differently to have more time with him. I miss him terribly, I really do, but it's the kind of missing when you don't think about them the entire day, you don't wish for them to be here, and you don't look back at the photos you took together in your phone. It's the kind of missing where you treasure the time you've had, the things you've done to each other, that perfect poem without any spelling mistakes, the beautiful notebook, the little note that says 'Welcome home!'. I've always found it extremely hard to move on, cause the word 'moving on' itself is a long and painful process, in which you don't know when it happens, and I always end up being the one who sits somewhere in a coffee shop, with a notebook, a pen and too many emotions and feelings that I don't know where to put. I always lose in the game of, who will move on first, and I know for sure, I will lose this time.

• Gabriele and I used to sit in the train going to the airport. It was a rainy Monday, when I traveled to Italy and he traveled home. As a habit, he started singing that yodeling song that he'd been practicing for a good one month, this time so quietly like a whisper, and after the first verse, he said, 'it's not funny anymore'. I still remember that moment, cause if you know Gabriele, you're always gonna see him being hyperactive and giving out this never-ending positive energy that just attracts people like sugar attracting ants. In that slight moment I saw sadness in his eyes. I think for all of us exchanging kids, we all have that look after going home. Some call it 'post-Erasmus depression', but I think we're just dreamers, slowly waking up from our best dreams.
• It's gonna take me some time to find the pattern now that I'm back home, suddenly with a whole new set of things to do. Learn to love the city again Sam, it's an order.

yoghurt cup #104

• You know days like this will come Jenny. No surprise or anything.
• So much for selfish relationships. Next time if you ever feel like you'd rather have company than spend your time alone, remember how these "companies" make you feel. 
• Ugh low mediocre feelings I hate you. I'm too good to be bothered by all of this bullshit. 
• Where can I run to get my head out of abundance with all of these people? I know most of the time I'm fascinated with the way people act, but I guess this comes alongside with the observation. This is just another example that people consist of more ugly elements than nice ones, and that you can't just enjoy the good bits without having to taste the bad ones. 
• I think there's not exactly a scale that measures how terrible a person can be, it's just simply whether you're still enduring the stress or not. Comparing all of the terrible people that I've had the chance to encounter, I think they're just all equally so terrible, it's just that there are some I don't have to deal with anymore.
• I shouldn't be feeling like this, I just won a scholarship to study in Germany for a month and got chosen to participate in a seminar in Thailand next year. Jennehhhh every time you get upset just think about the awesome things awaiting you. Don't be bothered by all of this crap stuff.

Yoghurt cup #102

• Long time no write. Feels really like forever as I've forgotten about even owning a blog for the past month.
• These past couple of days have been especially hectic. I had no choice but to maintain a completely healthy lifestyle, one I'd never accomplished to do, in order to have energy to finish every deadline in this semester. That means saying goodbye to basically any type of confectionery and fast food, drinking a ridiculous amount of water and sleeping whenever I have a chance.
• But in the midst of deadlines I can still say that I'm happy. Sometimes this thought came to me, the only reason why I can manage to stuff 2 jobs, 3 subjects, each are as important as the other, and each come with two tons of homework, an internship reflection and the preparation for the TOEFL test, is because I truly love everything I'm doing.
• I guess I've always been unfair to the world by judging it so hard for the things others don't put their minds into. I feel like I'm walking on a circus robe with the only thing tying my feet and the robe is the passion for the things I do. If it's gone, I'm just gonna fall free exactly like the people that I've been judging. 
• But loving it or not, when people juggle with so many balls at once for such a long time, there will come a time when the balls fly out of their hand.
• And hence this post.
• I'm not this weak, I'm just a couple hours lack of sleep and spending one of the most tiring days since the semester started. Plus PMS. Everything's fine, I just feel like whining for a little while.
•  
• Tonight I listened to a couple of the German songs I used to listen to when I was in junior high, ugh the feelings. It's really something when you listen to a foreign song, purely because of its melody, not understanding a word being sung. Then by some randomly weird chance, you study the language, and on such a long and tiring day where nothing goes right like this, you listen to the songs and understand perfectly what it means, what it's been meaning all those years. It feels almost like a blind person seeing family faces for the first time. You know the voice, the muster of the faces, but can never put them together. Feels like everything makes sense now. It's complete.
• I never realized how much I love learning a new language until today, when I get the taste of how it feels to almost lose that love for a moment. Feels absolutely desperate. I think it's enough, you only realize the good things when it's gone.
• Short post, just cause it's such an emotional day for me, and because I haven't written anything personally for a while. This is crucial to balance the elements (I'm talking like that Lars von Trier movie again).
• Ok goodbye safety blanket, I have to flee back to real life tomorrow. Have a glorious life people!

Yogurt cup #101

• So, long time no see. I've put myself in yet another pile of things to do, without thinking much about whether I even have enough time to finish all of it. So typical me, never think much before anything.
• Weird things happened when I was at the beach. Just when I thought, ok I'm good now, I think I'm over him by now, he just came wasping back into my life, asking pointless questions like how I've been doing lately and all. I don't like these kinds of questions, because everytime asked, I find myself at a loss of what to answer. How am I supposed to answer such a question? I've been doing fine, living my awesome busy life and all, still shopping like a psychopath and getting lost every now and always?? There should be a book that teaches girls how to reply to questions like that with kick-ass mindblowing answers.
• And then he apologized. Not for anything in particular. But because I know him (or so I think), and I know uncertainty is one of his big characteristics, I know he's apologizing for that day at the movie theater. Why am I so sure? Because after I ignored his apology he even went back asking me if I hated him or not.
• Moment like this made me realize how I've raised my standards in guys. A month ago he was all I could think about, but then shit happened, and a month later I'm not even excited enough to reply to him, something which I never accomplished to do before.
• I really don't like meaningless actions like this. Because if you were gonna make an impact or really felt bad, then do something while you're not fucking 300,000 miles away. Now he's back to wherever he's from, too bored from hanging out with moose and made such a pointless apology, it just didn't change what'd happened.
• I guess because I've dealt with worse people and worse situations like this, I actually considered this a good move. Because after all, at least he felt bad about what he did, which made it a teeny bit easier for me to think good thoughts about him. I'm just never gonna be satisfied with human actions anyways, so what's the point.
• It's a good thing that because I stack so many long words in this blog, nobody's gonna spend so much time reading what I'm writing, that means I get to write whatever I want.
• Cam broke up with his boyfriend. This is the part where I've always feared, because if there's one thing she's good at, that is destroying herself. The scary thing about Camellia is that, although on the outside she's absolutely fine in just 2 days after the breakup, she's actually eating herself up inside and is putting every bit of energy she has to pull herself up to a standing position. She's like that mermaid in Andersen's story, where she dances so lightly when her feet feel like they're being stung by a thousand needles.
• So much for the last summer. 
• After a large amount of effort (and also a little blood), I've sucessfully pierced the 4 silver earrings on to my earlobes. The problem before was that the stick (you know the part of the earring where they go through your hole) was a little big for my piercing, that was why it was almost impossible for me to get the earring on to the ear. But with a lot of effort they finally made it. I haven't worn permanent jewelry in a long time, feels nice to try that out again.

The little things of me today:
~ favorite food blog: userealbutter.com
~ favorite colour today: orange (of my little notebook)
~ things to remember today: got the volunteer job at that international program
~ red lipstick is a savior

Yoghurt cup #80: frequent blogging yayy

• This is the most frequent I've ever been on the blog. Probably because of the end-of-the-year rush, and this month, and year has been the least posted of all. Thoughts a bit too messy to be put down in words I guess.
• Yesterday I baked the ginger brownies and bought two decorative mini Christmas trees, one in green and one in red. The photos turned out so festive and made so inspired I wanna flee out of the house and buy some lights and start thinking about plans to decorate my room for Christmas.
• Having take the experience from last year, now I'm more calm and prepared before the storm of what is called the Christmas series and the final term season. But, to be fair, last year's Christmas was the first time I did any of the series and I had two horrifying subjects that until now I still don't know how I  magically passed. I remember last year when the final term was finally over, I had to spend an afternoon just letting the fact that there's no longer any stress anymore sink in. Oh well, at least you learned something *shrugs*.

• My faculty, actually, we, have a plan to organize a little Christmas party for all students and teachers. And there's going to be a gift exchanging game, and because I'm so lame and unlucky like that I know for sure that I'm gonna pick a very weird and unusable gift this year. Nevertheless, I'm still hung over on the thought of what to buy as a gift to represent myself. Might as well just buy a really big-ass candle and a white tin case, but if the candle goes to the hands of a guy then boom it's gonna stay somewhere in the house unused, until the mice found out about the good smell and made it a Christmas treat for the clan. Like about a thousand stories about candles as gifts that I've heard from every-friend-of-mine.
• Aah Christmas, the season of inspirations.
• Been listening to Fun's record for 2 days now. I'm pretty glad that I found some worthy music to make me wanna listen to again, cause for all these time I've been putting the Backstreet Boys and Lily Allen on and on it made me sick to the guts.
• (the problem of posting frequently is that you have nothing much to say because, let's face it, how many things can happen in two days actually?)
• When I'm done with the room I'm probably gonna be inspired enough to take a photo of it and put it up here just to save the memory.
• Seriously, I'm out of things to say. So here are more photos of cats.

• Oh, and P.S, I played with a cat without getting allergies yesterday yay me!

Yoghurt cup #79: about turning 20

• Hello earthlings, it's the 20-year-old-and-almost-a-month me speaking. 
• I'm 20 now. No more fooling around doing meaningless things. I'm so old now.
• Oh my God seriously what am I gonna be like when I turn 21, 22, 23, 27, 29, 30? Just thinking about the time and the responsibility and the vague future ahead of me scares me everyday. Most of the time I just feel like I haven't done anything much, just sitting around waiting for chances to come by, not actually get up and go look around.
• And yet I'm 20. Single as ever, long hair (thank goodness for that), one year left in university, not even a makeup lover anymore although now I wear makeups more than ever, wanting to write a letter in my journal but unfortunately I'm not home, I am, with no surprise, at my grandpa's house writing my blog on my stiff bed. I baked brownies on my 20th birthday, there was a ridiculously big storm that day in the city, and I was called by our class servant aka monitor at 4 in the morning to be informed that there would be no class in the morning. And as I peaked my eyes through the window the rain was heavier than ever, and the sky turned into this mysterious purple color that I'd always loved since I was a kid. And, as weird as it might have sounded, it was a good day. There were floods on the streets and the traffic was completely nuts, but I stayed at home, baked brownies and ate them with milk when they were fresh hot. I guess it was my birthday so I could not care about the surroundings for some time.
• As I walked home from the bus stop today I felt more tired, sleepy and hungry than ever. Probably because I only ate a crappy doner kebab in the afternoon and we had two back-to-back tests today in class, one was Linguistics and one was Advanced German, pretty serious stuff. Everytime I start to feel overboard I have this creepy little thought is that when the others can relax and probably go to bed early I have to sit here and finish my work. But, it wasn't a fair thing to say because I procrastinated so much that I couldn't have finished the job very early when I totally could've. Hah! All because of me!

Yes I have to take advantage when the city is getting a bit cold to rock some of the winter pieces of mine!

• Errr we didn't talk today. I kept thinking about that story of a friend of my mom, she divorced her husband because, although after all was set and done they did take some time to give it a shot, the words that were said were too hurtful that neither of them could let go and move on.
• And at the time I heard that story I was too young to understand what power words hold to make people feel so apart. I'd always thought it was something minor, until now.
• I have to admit there was some relief not to be the garbage bin that holds the unreasonable anger and jealousy, actually, it was a big relief because in a day when I return home completely exhausted and a bit ill, my head couldn't take any more of this drama. But for the first time in a while, I felt nothing. It was almost like that point when I was dumped and tried my best to drag myself out of the mess and finally did. It touched the point when I couldn't forgive with feelings anymore. 
• Such a shame isn't it? A waste of time as well. 
• Sorry to come back with such a sad story. 2013 is almost over and the only achievement I've made in this year is not to mess up with my hair at all. But behold, things are about to change because I'm thinking about dyeing my hair ombre.
• I have to go finish my work at go to bed early because honestly I have no strength left so live well, wherever you are.

Also, something that I found very inspiring:

1.     If you like someone, wait.
2.     Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
3.     Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
4.     Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
5.     Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
6.     Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
7.     Meet someone new, even just a friend.
8.     Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
9.     Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.
10.     Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are.
11.     Listen to new music.
12.     Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
13.     It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
14.     Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.
15.     Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
16.     Make new memories.
17.     Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
18.     Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
19.     Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time.
20.     Learn to love every bit of yourself.

Yoghurt cup #78: things

Well, of course, life is made up by things.

• The new boyfriend blue blouse that I bough from the flea market today that cheers me up so well.
• The bunch of perfume samples that I got for no reason. I don't know why I've been so deeply interested with using perfumes lately. And I have about 10 or more samples so I guess I won't have to even think about buying a full bottle in at least two months.
• The floral dress that (sadly, or gladly) that my mom looks better in than I do.
• Delicious crepes with delicious coconut-flavored ice cream.
• Braiding my hair.
• Getting to use the Chocomania shower gel. Which smells absolutely amazing.
• The Burberry Body perfume which lasts for-ever.
• Tomorrow's payday yay.
• Blue illustrated elephant.

Yoghurt cup #77: long time no see

• It seems like all of my recent (or not very recent) posts have all been posted ridiculously late at night. So here's a post that's (hopefully) posted at noon for a change.
• 8 posts away from reaching 500 posts. And yet half of them are drafts. Sigh.
• School has started, nothing much to say about it except the amount of homework and other work just suddenly landed on my head made me a bit taken aback and, although I'm happily enthusiastic to start a year with only German subjects, it still took me some time to get used to.
• And I don't know whether because my energy has all been spent on schoolwork and other things or because I started to get closer to those who can help me but I've been pushing everyone away. But not everyone everyone, just the everyone whom I've sensed the problems before, but still had the strength and energy to endure. But that everyone was a whole lot of people.

• Long story short, I'm honestly tired of spending time with people who won't understand and who can't find a decent subject to keep a conversation going other than talking about themselves.
• After a bunch of things happening right - in - front - of - my - eyes - and - right - to - my - feelings, I find myself not wanting to have any contact with her for at least two weeks ahead. The fact that they're together all the time, and how they kind of push me away to have more time to spend together, and excuse me I won't dare to interrupt you guys and your holy relationship I just wanna make sure my work gets done, kind of (if not too obviously) gets to my nerves.
• I don't believe in such fast relationships. With the exception of falling in love, which I don't think she's capable of doing because she doesn't have the ability to care about anyone particularly, every other relationship needs time to bloom. Don't wasp into my face those 3-month theory of yours and say to me that oh, she gets me perfectly and because she's a lesbian and is willing to flee to my house everyday to talk and stuff. Honestly I despise those kinds of relationship when they think they know it all when in reality there's no foundation, and I can see the cracks and the vision of them cuddling in my house talking to me about how could it end up like this. I won't welcome you to my door.
• For all of those reasons, I'll say that for the great of good, and for the sake of my uncontrollable mouth, I'll stay away from the "couple" for a while, until I no longer have any hatred towards them, or worse, their presence becomes familiar to my eyes.

• And yet people like that is perfectly accepted in this world. She could say something which I think is completely inappropriate to a friend of hers, and he still worships her and kneels down to her feet, but just imagine me saying something wrong. What a scenario.
• But yeah, everything happens for a reason. I'm the bad person who hates on other people here.
•  
• I don't know why I've been superbly cranky the past couple of days. Maybe because of the work pressure combined with all of the studying in university and the pressure of how on Earth to meet with the request in my English course stress.
• I knew this English learning thing would be a bad idea, I just didn't think how it could crush me this easily. I think my mom believes too much in my ability to magically learn two languages, with the same amount, at the same time, and still manage to look human. I'm not a saint you know, I can't do everything!?!!
• When. Will. This. Be. Overrrrr? If only I could drop one of the balls that I'm juggling with. That would be really nice :((
• Goal for this week: deal with everything without complaining too much (because not complaining at all is quite impossible, you must start somewhere, right?); find myself some me-time; work out a little bit more; try not to spend too much money cause you know, you won't get paid until next week.
• And try not to think about quitting your jobbbbb not now Jennyyyy :((
• I'm just gonna go add some meaningless photos into this post to make it look more appealing and look what time it is now, I said I was gonna post it at noon. And it wasn't even today's noon, it was the noon from 3 or 4 days ago I believe. May I present you, the queen of procrastination.

Yoghurt cup #76: The things that have happened that fucked up my mind constantly

• God knows how many things have happened in my trip. Just being around my sister in her 90 last glorious days before she gets married kind of changed everything.
• I'm gonna have to say the breakup incident has taken me to an unexpected journey that lasts through the entire summer. I would write all of them in a book or grab someone interested to tell them about all the things that have happened but I wouldn't know how to end such a story like that.
• Haha I was going to talk about how he appeared on my Facebook feed with my boss, and then someone commented "why don't you guys date already?" and then the ugliest and most shameful thought just grew out of my head, but apparently there have been a lot of he's to talk about in my summer, he's just gonna be one of them.
• It's all bad timing. The Lord really knows how to give people the opportunity to learn new things.
• Wild thoughs moment: this is all preparation, because I didn't have any experience last time, but I guess I'll still stay like this even though I've been through years of experience. If magically somehow it works, it won't last for long. Something's gonna go wrong, and this time, I won't have anyone to run back to like last time. 
• And I'll lose a friend who means so much to me, in a much more painful way.
• He always has his ways of making me feel like I'm accepted no matter what. No matter what I dress, what I say, all of the crazy things I did and all of the breakdowns I've been through, I can tell he still sees me as the same person. And I really don't know to express how thankful I am just knowing someone like that is still somewhere in this world. Makes me believe at the end of the day, when I'm laying my head rest and all of the ugly things in the world come dancing on my chest, I can just tell myself, oh, it's ok, I'll just tell him about it sometimes and he'll understand.
• Not necessarily that I have to tell him about every-single-incident that have happened in my life, although up until now I kind of have been, because it would be a selfish thing to do. He can just take a glance at my simple life and know where my problem is, whereas I'm drowned in his personal life although I'm just still standing on the outside looking in.
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• He's leaving tomorrow. Everything that has happened around him has been somewhat the most unexpected and spontaneous and everyone would be pointing their finger at me laughing at my stupidity for actually falling for someone like that.
• If I wrote a novel about the three guys who took my summer to a journey, he would be the least to write about. Instead, the storyline would go as how I've been living without him, and how I fight the thoughts of people keep telling me that he actually has feelings for me.
• I think I learned from the experiences that happen around the dates that I have with him rather than the dates themselves. It would be random stories of doing normal things throughout the day and then something hits me and I realize it reminds me of him, and I convince myself it's ridiculous to even think about it and then carry on.
•  
• Third one was actually the key point. It was the cause of all of this. Up until now, all I have in mind when I think about him was worry. But I can't set my foot too deep anymore because one, I don't have the right anyways, and two, if I set one foot in, I'll just get myself attached to something that I know won't go anywhere.
• I sincerely hope he's ok, I can find my way out of that maze in my quest for the summer journey, but now that I don't know about his journey anymore, I'm not sure how he copes.
• I'm out of things to write about this. Maybe another time then.

Yoghurt cup #75: short torn thoughts

• Facing the only place where I can feel most true, I can't help but having to ask myself one question, sincerely and considerately: what are you doing?
• I feel like a shadow covering patterns on a marbled floor. Not a fully formed creature, depends deeply on outer events, always feels nervous of vanishing once there's no more light. I don't really know what I'm doing, I can't guess my feelings anymore. I was having this thought, just do whatever the heck basic instincts tell you to do, because eventually the overall sadness of yours is going to shadow this one detail about how you could let yourself get into a kind of relationship that you don't, even for one second, believe in.
• Every once in a while people let themselves do something so out of the rules. But I didn't just let myself, it was so bland a relationship that I didn't even have to pick myself up in order to get used to it.
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• When I told my mom the other day, I think the only thing she needs to do right now is wait, like I did, like everyone around that age did, she's a much better person than I am, I kind of regret it. All of the weak and humiliating things about myself were never said out loud. We all know they're there, but just saying the thing out loud really did make me believe I'm that kind of person.
• I'm having a daily routine now, get up at 8.30, breakfast, do the 12 o'clock article, lunch, take a short nap, go to English class for about 2 hours or 3, get back home or flee to somewhere with food, have dinner at home or not, get back to the articles and emails, go to bed relatively late, repeat. I'm not sure if it's even a good thing to form a schedule, it feels almost like I'm trapped in some kind of cage. But I don't sleep for a terribly long time in a day anymore, so I guess everything has its benefits.
• If there is one thing that really can scare me right now, it would be that I can't speak to you anymore. This summer has gone on very weirdly I don't want any interruptions that make me any more unbalanced than I already am.

Yoghurt cup #74

• It felt like the first time I wanted to hold his hands. I remember it was another hang-out date that we had to get me out of that boring English class. We were walking that road near the biggest department center in the city, I was wearing the same nail polish color, dressed in jeans and a striped T-shirt. I wanted to hold his hands so badly that I did it, like a normal gesture that you do when someone's hand is so close to yours, pretending (or not) that I needed someone to hold on to when crossing the street. We were both happy, I think, with nothing on our minds, no jobs, no incidents, no arguments and breakups and hurtful words. We were nothing to each other, and I had to really hold myself back every night when the thought about him crept in because what if he doesn't like me back?
• I think he knew what was going on today, I was really thankful when he touched my hand, basically the same feeling when I first held his hand, but in a darker, more desperate way. We were there, on that windy rooftop, holding each other with every single feeling in the world, but without an easy way to express it, because considering the current situation, every movement is inappropriate. If I hadn't have this stubborn character, maybe it would still have worked.
• I really wanted to cry today, when we were on the rooftop, just to let it out when I still could. But somehow I couldn't. Not wanting to know about him anymore. And then what? Pretending to talk like nothing had happened, like you didn't just lie there crying yourself out for nights and nights, but the mere thought of still being able to talk to him still thrills you to the bone. And then what? Being on a date with him, having him acting sweet and caring and smiling at you with the smile that you know he only has with certain people. And then what? Having him kiss you unexpectedly when you can't even think or cry anymore. And then what?
• Then what?
• Have I run out of my chances? I can't balance myself anymore between wanting desperately to be with him all the time, talking to him about every single detail about the world and hearing him talk about how cameras are made around the world and what are you doing you're hurting yourself. It's like using drugs to reduce pain, when it wears off, you can feel the pain crawling back to your body slowly, turning into something you're no longer familiar with. And there you are, alone in the dark, fighting a new kind of pain desperately when all you think about is another dose of drugs to make this go away for one moment.
• Because most of the time I can't figure anything out, I've been letting instinct having its way. Oh well, you can't get any more desperate than this, might as well do what you think is best at the moment.
• It's terribly late at night. When will this be over?

Yoghurt cup #73

• Scorpion's most basic nature is revenge. It never settles to the short end of the story, if it's hurt, the others must know, and feel the same, if not worse. But, there's something that's left unsaid about Scorpion. It's not going to be that brutal if someone could truly understand what the meaning of all the crazy acts it's putting, and tell Scorpion that it's OK, someone gets you, I've been through what you're going through, and it's going to get better. Stop making yourself miserable. Here's some ice cream, here are some good books, read them and you'll find your will to move on.
• But if I had someone like that, someone to hand me books and ice cream, I wouldn't be sitting here all messed up talking to my blog like this.
• I don't understand how people could go through relationships easily, like, how do you even feel when you break up, when after the breakup you do a bunch of fucking silly things that you know exactly why you do that and how stupid they are but you still do anyways because you're desperate like that. I know, I know exactly why I did all of the things I did for the past few days, but I couldn't control it, I couldn't let myself pile up with all of the anger, the sadness, the eagerness, the hope that was happening at once, I had to let it out somehow. And my way of letting it all out wasn't exactly the very sober way I guess.

• I'm out of tears to cry. This evening when I was washing the dishes and really had a moment to let all of this sink in, my mind replayed everything with unnecessary details and clarity, but I was just like that, with a hole somewhere in my chest and my eyes completely dry. Every once in a while, I lose my ability to cry, which is somewhat a good thing because one, I usually have trouble breathing normally after crying and two, I was able to think a bit clearly and not fall into the depth of emptiness.
• This constantly reminds me of last January, when I was experiencing this for the first time. But this time is even worse, because last time only lasted for a month, and it ended up quite happily I guess. I don't even know when this will end, and I feel useless.

• I can't I can't I can't I just keep looking back for the way things used to be but his words blocked me from entering the sweet garden. He's run out of patience, and so should this be over with. Going back to the old track seems to be the safest way to get myself out of the miserable state, but what will happen? How long will I be able to live with those words shadowing my mind?
• Har-har, basically, whatever choice I make, I'm still desperate, and miserable, and hurt.
• That's quite nice to know actually.
• I'm going to bed.

Yoghurt cup #71

• Here come the drastic changes and the me who can't keep up with what's going on in my life.
• I've probably felt it last time I wrote, but this time I was certain. It's saddening to realize that those who used to get you, or whom you think did, now don't. It's like walking home with a friend and trying to talk as much as you can before getting to the intersection or the spot where you have to split up. If it's the walk home from school, you can still walk it the next day, or the day after that, but if it's the walk that leads to somewhere farther, then you're left alone.
• Actually, I chose to be alone. There were really lots of things to process for the past few days and I need a good two or three days just lying around not communicating with anybody just to find a clue in all of this. This is honestly too much, like, I have to keep my head sane or else I'd make wrong choices.
• I dreamed about someone whom I've met twice yesterday. Don't know why it left such an impression. I dreamed about something that was true before I had the slightest clue about it. The main thing was, when I woke up and the entire dream story sunk in, I knew right away that somehow this story is going to be real.
• I don't know about him and how he feels, but to me, we're processing as friends much better than as lovers. Probably because both of us are at a stable stage where nothing, or nobody, vast is interrupting, and I tend to stay that way. Nevertheless, I still have anxiety that something very random is gonna come and hit me by the face, and although I don't have the faintest reason to get upset, I still will, and ruin the perfect "positive life perspective" scenario I'm creating for myself.
• Actually, not seeing each other is a good idea I think, so that I don't get into temptation and do things uncontrollably. We still talk, and he's still an amazing listener and does the best he can to be sane for me when I'm all messed up like this.
• Now that we don't hold any responsibility for each other, we're doing everything willingly I guess. I'm not saying that this doesn't upset me, probably all of this mental instability I'm having is the aftermath of the breakup, but I'm saying that this should be the right choice.
•  
• I re-synced a couple of the phone numbers from my old to new phone. I think my list adds up to only about 20 or 30 people. And I've been living very comfortably with that contact list.
• Made me realize I don't have, and don't have the need to have, that many people around. Not to mention in my very narrowed contact list there are a couple of numbers from my boss and coworkers, and one from the guy that I've been trying very very hard to push away for the past few months.
• One thing that I've been regretting and will be regretting for a long time ahead is the time when I allowed myself to go out with him. It broke one way too many rules in my playbook and it wasn't even fun! I deleted the part where I wrote about him on my last post, cause I'm just so fed up with him I don't even want him to have anything to do with my life anymore.
• My #1 rule when it comes to relationship, or at least making a pathetic attempt to imitate or seek one: honesty. God he just kept appearing in my life flinging that so-called playboy trick of his, thinking that I'd be fooled by that. Just that mere thought of being valuated that I could be owned by those tricks really really bothers me.
• I apologize for my words in some of the very long ago posts where I said that I wanted someone to go after me. Now I take it back. The "someone" definition scares me now.
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• In the end, trees with the same root die with each other. 
• It's nice to know someone's still making an attempt to read these things I wrote.
• I'm not very sober at the moment, not by the meaning of getting drunk and not being able to walk or pee properly, but mentally, like, when it comes to making pros and cons and deciding which factor has the more important impact on my life, I'm completely an idiot. That's why, I need time, to let all of this thinking that I've been doing for the past few days sink in, then I'll take a deep breath and think of what to do next.
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• My mom said that those like me are naturally harder to find someone they can trust and keep around. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• It's been a long yoghurt cup, hope you've prepared some gummy bears to eat along. I'm tired and my throat hurts, so I'm going to bed now.

Yoghurt cup #70

• People people people. How they've all chosen today to fucking piss me off.
• I was gonna recite every single story that pissed me off in the past 2 hours, but, it's childish, that's why I've chosen to think to myself, they're probably gonna go fuck themselves at some time in their lives, that's why they end up having a crappy job and not even doing it correctly oh mY GODD
• Breathe Jenny, breathe.
• I've been put into some sort of thinking mood lately, the main thing was that when he was away enjoying a vacation somewhere on the beach I was at home, hanging out with my friends realizing that the people whom I've been almost 100% sure understand me turn out not. And sometimes I just need someone to listen to me rather than giving me lectures and advice, which are things that I can give myself anyways.
• Long story short I need him around.
• Now I know the feeling of weird frustration he usually gets every time I travel and he stays at home waiting for me to get back.
• I don't normally write about him a lot like this, I like to keep the thoughts to myself. But this time got a bit too emotional and lied around sobbing and stuff, so I guess I had to find a way out.
• My yogurt cups haven't been quite fun lately, I wanted to write something fun to read but I only wanted to write when I'm not sober.
• How come I don't have a summer tag?
• It's still raining so I can't go home yet. The mere thought of having to stay at home scares me. It's too usual. I don't understand how friends just keep asking me to stop by at their house, if I wanna be at a comfortable house, I'd be at my house, wrapping my blanket watching Ugly Betty.
• My God Ugly Betty is goood! Another thing I don't understand is that people don't seem to appreciate Ugly Betty like I do, they always think that it's some sort of mediocre sitcom that has ugly characters. Ughhhhh the frustration of trying to convince people that the plot of this series is so good it's even similar to Gossip Girl season 1 and 2!
• He's home tomorrow, I'm thinking about buying something as a welcome home gift, which is a bit ridiculous cause his trip was 3 days, and I haven't the slightest idea of a decent gift, food probably works best.

Yoghurt cup #69: Death

• Growing up is not fun. The worst part is when you stand at one point, thinking that you haven't changed one bit since the time flew, and then you look back at the small but vital details and realize that you've grown into a completely different person it's ridiculous!
• Change is always fascinating to get used to, but, like my relation to the character in Midnight In Paris, the past has a mystery of a girl who is loved by every guy, but will never belong to anybody.
• Food heals, it's true. Well, more precisely, good food heals.
• I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and it's a good thing. French movies make me feel really really good after enjoying, don't know if there's more good French movies to watch hmmm...
• Anyways, short writing. I'm off to be a so-called adult.

Yoghurt cup #68: 19

• I guess everything started when I was 19 years old. I think for me there was this invisible line placed somewhere in life that once I crossed it, I started experiencing things through a veil of glass, not deeply involved, but was exposed to what the world actually feels like. I started seeing cracks everywhere, even places that I was certain from birth was flawless. I grew up believing that there are sacred things that would never be throbbed, and they would somehow remain that way as time goes by. Only now do I understand the inspiration coming from dealing with the real wold, although what I've been going through was just quite shocking to a spoiled and over-thinking me, they weren't any overly dramatic events that made my life take turns or something.
• I started reading Kitchen yesterday I think. I've been accidentally watching and reading more than one movie/book about loss, and how people deal with it.  I think a me at the age of 18 wouldn't understand and be patient with the continuing of the book as I am now. But I've grown a little bit from then, and was feeling uncertain whether I should be glad or sad that I'm not myself from yesterday.
• I like buying makeups, like, the expensive ones. Not because I'm obliged to use them everyday, although I still do, just putting on random things like lipsticks or blushers or perfume samples. Just because I like to arrange them in my drawer, seeing them all in their places, and imagining myself taking them out of their bed, using them on my face, smelling them, having another good look at how carefully they're made, and then putting them back exactly where they come from. I don't know if it's the girl-side that's finally got a chance to show or if it's some kind of weird addiction. I could spend hours taking them out of the box, seeing how the packaging is made, how the product is so well-designed, finding a way to rearrange them somehow. That drawer is probably the only place that's always neat in this room.
• I like a room change. And I've had mine. Grandpa's moving here with us in a day or two, and we had to move half of the couch to my room to make some space for the living room. And I love the idea of having a really huge couch in this little room. I'm not sure whether it will change the atmosphere that I've been feeling for the past 5 or 6 years, but I adore a different aspect that I can discover. I finally have a spot where I can sit down and watch the people down there living a life. And my huge teddy bear won't have to sit unwanted on the stool next to my desk.
• When I crossed the market this morning, I got some flowers with the idea of finally having something to put into the thin and weirdly-shaped vase in the room. I got the vase for a surprisingly cheap price when going china shopping with a certain person, and not once, in the 3 or 4 months since I bought it, have I managed to find a single flower to put in it. Have to be honest I felt kind of ashamed of myself, because that empty vase was the proof that I only do things spontaneously and am a lazy bum who can't even find a stick of flower to complete whatever I started in my head when I paid for that vase. But now I do. Just simple tiny flowers in pink, purple and white, watching them bloom in my room kind of makes me feel, I don't know if it's similar to when I used to keep my fish in the room, that I want to do this on a daily basis. Not because I've discovered my talent in flower arranging, as my mom brutally commented on my piece of work that it 'looks like a witch's broom', but because it made me feel like I have a habit based on hobbies now. Hopefully this one will last longer than the other less-fortunate hobbies of mine.
• It's late and I have to answer some of the emails like a professional worker who's neglecting the fact that she's lazy and never try her best and then decide whether I should finish Kitchen tonight or have a good sleep instead.

random yogurt cup

• Oh well, holiday's officially over, and I'm at a loss for words when thinking about going back to school.
• I haven't had much me-time lately, for the longest time I could remember. Possibly because my job got a hold in me, and all of the leftover time I consumed in tumbling and sleeping and going out eating.
• Which led to the fact that I've gotten chubby. And yet ready to taste every good dishes in this city.
• I've discovered lots and lots of places which has lovely views and magnificent food. And frankly, my definition of magnificent food is that they fry with butter and roast veggies with melted cheese.
• But you can't deny that they're not good!
• I didn't do anything productive in my holidays, spent a load of money on food and makeups, as usual, slept like a bum, watched Japanese anime and idol movies, slept a little more, went out and took photos with flowers in the background to prove that I still had a life, ate some more food and babbled about how boring my life was.
• I'm trying to make my life look a little bit more bright, like positive thinking and bright-colored items around me. I literally have to carry my facial wash and mud mask bottles everywhere I go cause I have to move around a lot lately.
• I'll have to run to school to get the textbooks, and then "travel" down to my campus to attend classes, in the excruciating heat of the all-year-round tropical city. Wish me luck!

Yoghurt cup #67

• I'm back to my old living life faster than I thought I'd be. Probably because it was the life I was completely devoted in for the past four years that I was too eager to grasp a hold of it.
• Back to the days of listening to unknown music, enjoying a jazz song with cheesy but sweet lyrics, having an urge to write, to take photos, to even leave the vanity life that I was suddenly into. 
• Why is it that I know exactly what to do, but still let myself flow with the current? I'd be better living alone, because I'd always be too demanding, too time-consuming, too much of a bad influence just by speaking outrageously words that I won't even give a second thought to consider.
• How is it that I could have forgotten about how actually good the lonely life sounded for such a long time? What was I really chasing? Faded feelings that I'd been craving for such a long time? What did he have to offer me? Half a heart and a forced smile? That was what I was willing to trade everything for?
• My hair falls down a lot. Probably because of the heat of this city. Living under this heat kind of stops people from thinking deeply I think. They only start digging their minds when the rays strike and all they had to worry about was a shade to stand under and a piece of tissue to wipe of the sweat. There's really no time for anyone to go find a spot for their own, because all places in this city is covered in rays of blazing heat.
• There's no place or time to balance a man in life.
• I want to go eat out and go buy some canvases and hang on my wall yes that's what I'll do.
• I have this talent/disability to be able to forget about upsetting things when I'm around people. Maybe that's why people never see me getting sad. I hate that feature about myself, makes me feel like even I honestly have no feelings about it.
• Christmas is near. The thought of Christmas always warms me up I have no idea why.