Yoghurt cup #68: 19

• I guess everything started when I was 19 years old. I think for me there was this invisible line placed somewhere in life that once I crossed it, I started experiencing things through a veil of glass, not deeply involved, but was exposed to what the world actually feels like. I started seeing cracks everywhere, even places that I was certain from birth was flawless. I grew up believing that there are sacred things that would never be throbbed, and they would somehow remain that way as time goes by. Only now do I understand the inspiration coming from dealing with the real wold, although what I've been going through was just quite shocking to a spoiled and over-thinking me, they weren't any overly dramatic events that made my life take turns or something.
• I started reading Kitchen yesterday I think. I've been accidentally watching and reading more than one movie/book about loss, and how people deal with it.  I think a me at the age of 18 wouldn't understand and be patient with the continuing of the book as I am now. But I've grown a little bit from then, and was feeling uncertain whether I should be glad or sad that I'm not myself from yesterday.
• I like buying makeups, like, the expensive ones. Not because I'm obliged to use them everyday, although I still do, just putting on random things like lipsticks or blushers or perfume samples. Just because I like to arrange them in my drawer, seeing them all in their places, and imagining myself taking them out of their bed, using them on my face, smelling them, having another good look at how carefully they're made, and then putting them back exactly where they come from. I don't know if it's the girl-side that's finally got a chance to show or if it's some kind of weird addiction. I could spend hours taking them out of the box, seeing how the packaging is made, how the product is so well-designed, finding a way to rearrange them somehow. That drawer is probably the only place that's always neat in this room.
• I like a room change. And I've had mine. Grandpa's moving here with us in a day or two, and we had to move half of the couch to my room to make some space for the living room. And I love the idea of having a really huge couch in this little room. I'm not sure whether it will change the atmosphere that I've been feeling for the past 5 or 6 years, but I adore a different aspect that I can discover. I finally have a spot where I can sit down and watch the people down there living a life. And my huge teddy bear won't have to sit unwanted on the stool next to my desk.
• When I crossed the market this morning, I got some flowers with the idea of finally having something to put into the thin and weirdly-shaped vase in the room. I got the vase for a surprisingly cheap price when going china shopping with a certain person, and not once, in the 3 or 4 months since I bought it, have I managed to find a single flower to put in it. Have to be honest I felt kind of ashamed of myself, because that empty vase was the proof that I only do things spontaneously and am a lazy bum who can't even find a stick of flower to complete whatever I started in my head when I paid for that vase. But now I do. Just simple tiny flowers in pink, purple and white, watching them bloom in my room kind of makes me feel, I don't know if it's similar to when I used to keep my fish in the room, that I want to do this on a daily basis. Not because I've discovered my talent in flower arranging, as my mom brutally commented on my piece of work that it 'looks like a witch's broom', but because it made me feel like I have a habit based on hobbies now. Hopefully this one will last longer than the other less-fortunate hobbies of mine.
• It's late and I have to answer some of the emails like a professional worker who's neglecting the fact that she's lazy and never try her best and then decide whether I should finish Kitchen tonight or have a good sleep instead.