Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
• 
  
• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Ice cream cone #83

• This was me 4 years ago, taken a week after my 17th birthday. Just how much has changed.
• I don't wanna be someone who constantly looks back on every step she's taken, but, I was going through my facebook profile photos today and saw this. I remember this was the time I wasn't very confident about having my face directly in a photo, hence the mug. The mug, by the way, was a birthday present by a dear dear friend of mine, whom I think I'll remain having respect in, I might say, my entire life.
• As I grow up I've found out lots of things about myself, like the fact that I can't concentrate very well, I love red but red doesn't love me back, I'm a control freak, and most of all, I completely suck at keeping a relationship.
• That's why I was shocked, much more that I'd imagined, when I saw the news, just popped in, like a lost blind dove that hits the glassed window. I had weird and uncomfortable dreams about it last night. It just feels like another one has slipped away, and it's all my fault.
• Maybe Camellia was right, when I was taking this photo, I blamed the world for what was wrong in my life, and hoped that as I grew older, problems would solve themselves and I'd be rested at last. But little did I know, it only got worse.
• Now looking back at it, I didn't even try. I threw the chances out of the window for no reason at all. I fucked up, acted silly, made a fool out of myself, so what? It's just another slipped away, only one I didn't expect. 
• I always thought he was the light in the lighthouse, that safe vision that you have whenever you turn around. I just need to know someone like that exists. But, the boat is lost, and there's no need for lights to guide it home anymore, what's the use of keeping it anyways. The electricity that fuels the light could be used for something much more in need, not just a boat that never touches shore.
• What happened in 2010? Like, what did I do, what did I think about? It's funny how every time things like this happens I look back at my past and, secretively, envy my younger self for not having to acknowledge and suffer any of this.
• But, it's never good to feel down. I don't like feeling down, there's no use in it and I'll just eat more than usual. Therefore, my short-term goal right now is to successfully not think about this, and maybe focus on more important things.
• I'll try my best, I promise you that, Spit.

Yoghurt cup #77: long time no see

• It seems like all of my recent (or not very recent) posts have all been posted ridiculously late at night. So here's a post that's (hopefully) posted at noon for a change.
• 8 posts away from reaching 500 posts. And yet half of them are drafts. Sigh.
• School has started, nothing much to say about it except the amount of homework and other work just suddenly landed on my head made me a bit taken aback and, although I'm happily enthusiastic to start a year with only German subjects, it still took me some time to get used to.
• And I don't know whether because my energy has all been spent on schoolwork and other things or because I started to get closer to those who can help me but I've been pushing everyone away. But not everyone everyone, just the everyone whom I've sensed the problems before, but still had the strength and energy to endure. But that everyone was a whole lot of people.

• Long story short, I'm honestly tired of spending time with people who won't understand and who can't find a decent subject to keep a conversation going other than talking about themselves.
• After a bunch of things happening right - in - front - of - my - eyes - and - right - to - my - feelings, I find myself not wanting to have any contact with her for at least two weeks ahead. The fact that they're together all the time, and how they kind of push me away to have more time to spend together, and excuse me I won't dare to interrupt you guys and your holy relationship I just wanna make sure my work gets done, kind of (if not too obviously) gets to my nerves.
• I don't believe in such fast relationships. With the exception of falling in love, which I don't think she's capable of doing because she doesn't have the ability to care about anyone particularly, every other relationship needs time to bloom. Don't wasp into my face those 3-month theory of yours and say to me that oh, she gets me perfectly and because she's a lesbian and is willing to flee to my house everyday to talk and stuff. Honestly I despise those kinds of relationship when they think they know it all when in reality there's no foundation, and I can see the cracks and the vision of them cuddling in my house talking to me about how could it end up like this. I won't welcome you to my door.
• For all of those reasons, I'll say that for the great of good, and for the sake of my uncontrollable mouth, I'll stay away from the "couple" for a while, until I no longer have any hatred towards them, or worse, their presence becomes familiar to my eyes.

• And yet people like that is perfectly accepted in this world. She could say something which I think is completely inappropriate to a friend of hers, and he still worships her and kneels down to her feet, but just imagine me saying something wrong. What a scenario.
• But yeah, everything happens for a reason. I'm the bad person who hates on other people here.
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• I don't know why I've been superbly cranky the past couple of days. Maybe because of the work pressure combined with all of the studying in university and the pressure of how on Earth to meet with the request in my English course stress.
• I knew this English learning thing would be a bad idea, I just didn't think how it could crush me this easily. I think my mom believes too much in my ability to magically learn two languages, with the same amount, at the same time, and still manage to look human. I'm not a saint you know, I can't do everything!?!!
• When. Will. This. Be. Overrrrr? If only I could drop one of the balls that I'm juggling with. That would be really nice :((
• Goal for this week: deal with everything without complaining too much (because not complaining at all is quite impossible, you must start somewhere, right?); find myself some me-time; work out a little bit more; try not to spend too much money cause you know, you won't get paid until next week.
• And try not to think about quitting your jobbbbb not now Jennyyyy :((
• I'm just gonna go add some meaningless photos into this post to make it look more appealing and look what time it is now, I said I was gonna post it at noon. And it wasn't even today's noon, it was the noon from 3 or 4 days ago I believe. May I present you, the queen of procrastination.

aaargh can't sleep

I can't sleep. What could be a better title for this post? I was thinking about doing more writing for the story but as soon as i turned on the laptop i felt sleepy again ._. Really funny.
My hand skin looks awful under the light of the laptop. It looks like i'm 40 years old! With orange nail polish!
So, i was thinking about maybe getting some lipstick as the summer has come, i've been spending 20 hours in my 100-square-feet room doing practically nothing and ... i don't know. Everyone loves a good lipstick. Maybe MAC, i checked out their website today and there were about 200 colors for one brand of lipstick, and i have no experience whatsoever in buying things online so, maybe i'll just crash the store once i finish the tests and buy myself one of those.
Another idea just popped into my head today. You know the hair-dyeing plan i've been talking soooooooo much about, well, i was thinking maybe after dyeing my hair brunette, i'll dye my hair end red. Like Jared Leto in "From Yesterday". Don't freaking know where i got that thought though. But maybe i'll do it, by myself. And maybe i'll get myself a black maxi dress for the summer beach vacation as mom is planning on having one.
More crazy ideas? Well, let's see ... Errr i'm having a plan on redecorating my room, that's one. I'll have to go print some photos, pin them on the side of my closet, frame some of them and place them on my bed, expand the collage at the back of my door since i want it bigger and fresher.Maybe i'll seriously buy the Christmas lights this time haha, mom's gonna pull them off in 2 seconds but at least i've got 2 seconds of glory.
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Still have a crazy kind-of-nonrealistic thought that i've been thinking for a couple of days. I'm bursting with ideas, if you haven't noticed.

Okay, i'll try and get some sleep now.