noodlebox #3: after all, a little intimacy is all we need

• ok.
• I know I did a lot of stupid things in the past few weeks, and I don't actually know how to put it in words. Somehow I allowed myself to do all those things cause I'm never the one who learns from words. And I'm pretty sure shit's gonna come back to bite my ass some time soon.
• These kinds of things can be poetic or pathetic, depends on how you want to view it. Just the whole relationship with an expiry date fascinates me. You have no responsibility towards others, can cut the whole second guessing and is-he-interested-in-me crap and get to the point. Well in some aspects you get the best slice of a relationship, and contrary to my imagination, those I've been with were not half bad. Poetry doesn't come from boredom, it comes from small talks and the fear of losing what you're having in front of you.
• How pathetic it is, I think is out of the question. It's the draft version of a relationship, you have to literally stop yourself from feeling anything, and the mere idea of that just disgusts me. It's the kind of instant noodle relationship that cooks fast, is found everywhere but doesn't have any nutrition whatsoever. You feel full, but the feeling itself makes you sick, and for a moment there you forget how a normally functioning relationship feels like.
• I haven't had to listen to Continuum for a while now, thinking I've been OK. But for me being bored is like a junkie without drugs, it itches your every molecule and you just grab any opportunity you could find to get out of the situation, no matter how unhealthy it is.
• I think the fact that I started working full-time in the university unconsciously makes me want to go against it. To be frank the job is not boring, but the whole concept of how a teacher should behave just bugs me. The more hectic the schedule is, the more I want to end up in a sloppy hotel room on a Saturday night with a traveler, tasting the sweetest and most intoxicating slice of a relationship.
• I think at the age of 22, almost 23, you're still allowed to make mistakes. A friend of mine once told me that this is the age of defining yourself, and no matter how you're definitely not alone in this. On days when I'm too unsure about myself like these rainy days of October, how I wish I could meet him again and just talk about how I struggle being 22, being so sure that I know everything there is to know about life while thinking how I don't know shit about anything.
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• What even is a relationship anyway?
• Right now, standing in front of a choice, I just realized how bruised I actually am, still finding myself a way to get out of it as a plan B. It's the whole summer thing all over again. I scream if I can't have a relationship, and when I have the opportunity to be in one, I back out cause I'm too scared of commitment.
• But well, it's been a bad few weeks. I don't like the mundane job, don't like my colleagues, don't like the fact that all those papers from the classes are piling up in a mess on my bed. I don't like having to meet so many people in a forced environment doing things both of us don't like. This is probably the most crappy definition of the teaching job ever.
• But well, I've been writing this post for something like half a year now. Better publish it just cause. 
• Until next time, world.