noodlebox #3: after all, a little intimacy is all we need

• ok.
• I know I did a lot of stupid things in the past few weeks, and I don't actually know how to put it in words. Somehow I allowed myself to do all those things cause I'm never the one who learns from words. And I'm pretty sure shit's gonna come back to bite my ass some time soon.
• These kinds of things can be poetic or pathetic, depends on how you want to view it. Just the whole relationship with an expiry date fascinates me. You have no responsibility towards others, can cut the whole second guessing and is-he-interested-in-me crap and get to the point. Well in some aspects you get the best slice of a relationship, and contrary to my imagination, those I've been with were not half bad. Poetry doesn't come from boredom, it comes from small talks and the fear of losing what you're having in front of you.
• How pathetic it is, I think is out of the question. It's the draft version of a relationship, you have to literally stop yourself from feeling anything, and the mere idea of that just disgusts me. It's the kind of instant noodle relationship that cooks fast, is found everywhere but doesn't have any nutrition whatsoever. You feel full, but the feeling itself makes you sick, and for a moment there you forget how a normally functioning relationship feels like.
• I haven't had to listen to Continuum for a while now, thinking I've been OK. But for me being bored is like a junkie without drugs, it itches your every molecule and you just grab any opportunity you could find to get out of the situation, no matter how unhealthy it is.
• I think the fact that I started working full-time in the university unconsciously makes me want to go against it. To be frank the job is not boring, but the whole concept of how a teacher should behave just bugs me. The more hectic the schedule is, the more I want to end up in a sloppy hotel room on a Saturday night with a traveler, tasting the sweetest and most intoxicating slice of a relationship.
• I think at the age of 22, almost 23, you're still allowed to make mistakes. A friend of mine once told me that this is the age of defining yourself, and no matter how you're definitely not alone in this. On days when I'm too unsure about myself like these rainy days of October, how I wish I could meet him again and just talk about how I struggle being 22, being so sure that I know everything there is to know about life while thinking how I don't know shit about anything.
•   
•    
• What even is a relationship anyway?
• Right now, standing in front of a choice, I just realized how bruised I actually am, still finding myself a way to get out of it as a plan B. It's the whole summer thing all over again. I scream if I can't have a relationship, and when I have the opportunity to be in one, I back out cause I'm too scared of commitment.
• But well, it's been a bad few weeks. I don't like the mundane job, don't like my colleagues, don't like the fact that all those papers from the classes are piling up in a mess on my bed. I don't like having to meet so many people in a forced environment doing things both of us don't like. This is probably the most crappy definition of the teaching job ever.
• But well, I've been writing this post for something like half a year now. Better publish it just cause. 
• Until next time, world.

noodlebox #2: here comes burning season

• Now that I think about it, I'm really a seasonal person. After all these years of living the same story every summer and it never occurred to me that my mood may partly depend on the weather.
• Short update: this working at the university thing neither sounds cool nor gives me a break in any way. Because this is my blog, I'm gonna take advantage of it to whine like an unsatisfied intern. 
• My boss is weird , colleagues are nice but not quite my type. My work is basically the same, I'm just glad I don't have a lot of office work to do or else I'm really gonna cry on the internet like one of those girls who think they are all it.
• But it's kind of unfair to judge, cause it took me like almost 4 years to get used to my old job, and right at the moment when I started making progress, I switched to working here. And the thing about working in an environment with just young people is that sometimes people have this attitude that they've already achieved a lot at this age, and that they can be a snobby-ass piece of annoying shit and boss people around. 
• The one thing I'm most bugged when working here is actually not even all that, but the fact that nobody here is outrageous and crazy enough to pull me out of the bureaucratic and modest world of a teacher to release the energy every now and always. I guess those are the things you have to do on your own, but I guess I just don't like the job by default and am just looking for reasons to make it sound bad.
• I'm contradicting myself don't I?
• I kind of miss working with food though. I feel like without the old job I don't have any motivation to push myself to explore anymore. One of the biggest thing I've discovered after working there is maybe how such a seemingly small phenomenon can be so attractive in a cultural aspect. 
• OMGGGG I sound like one of those presentations I used to do.
• OK not anymore. I'll write when there's really something exciting happening.
• Until then.

noodlebox #2: how haven't i made it to #2 yet???

• Summer's halfway done, and I've already gotten myself into yet another mess with guys. Not that it's any surprise to all of you, because I always get stuck in such things, in one way or another.
• So, I'm gonna list the pros and cons, but mostly cons, just to try to control myself for once in my life. Me not having an emotional breakdown and inaudibly crying in my bed any night is already an improvement than other summers. So here goes:

1. He has a girlfriend. And it looks like they're not gonna break up any time soon. If ever they do, he's too nice a guy to even talk about it with anybody else. But he's that type, the type who would not break up with the girl no matter what happens. He plays by the rules, and respects it, and is also a kid.

2. Remember why you broke up with your ex? Nicer guys with larger dicks appeared in your life, and you needed to make room for the dick. Your ex was also a kid, like this one that you're having a crush on. You can't talk to him about stuff that's happening in your life, and thank goodness there's still something relevant for you to talk about now, but sooner or later, it's gonna turn into this soggy mess of him not helping you understand yourself, and you're drained from energy to even bother listening to his stories.

3. You haven't gotten in deep. It's still safe to back down. I know it's not easy, it's never easy when you accidentally like someone who's forbidden, but still, you still have a chance to back down in one piece.

4. He's probably only interested in you cause you're a cool teacher, not a cool person with head-turning stories. Without your teacher status, you don't mean a single thing. Don't get your hopes up, he's a kid, and you can do better than that.

• So, guidelines: only talk to him, but refrain from talking to him as much as possible; try not to get your hopes up every time he does something cute; find another one.
• Short words for myself after liking this kid. You can do better, keep that in mind Sam.

noodlebox #1: things that i need to get off my chest before i explode

OK new year new start, even for such a rusty corner like this blog. I've been encountering things that are not exactly pleasant lately, and goodness do I crave for that trip we've booked last month. Working is never easy, but there are times when you feel like you can breathe in bigger heap of air than others.

• My working enthusiasm has dropped down like an avalanche in the past 2 weeks. I can't remember a time when I was so eager to sit down a work on a proper graphic. Trust me, although that time comes rather rarely in my working pattern, it does come, and used to come on quite rapidly before I started the new project.
• So the thing is that we've just launched a new series, in which we basically (try to) make recipes of classic street food dishes. Sounds easy. NOT. Problems start jumping along the way, either with my boss being the most vague person ever, or with the new collaborator-turned-editor that was hired 3 weeks ago, who has been so far, sadly, inadequate. My boss kind of refuses to let people into her head and actually figure out what her ideas are, and the boy is too naive and didn't have the guts to ask further, or research about the damn thing that he's about to make. 
• Result of that wonderful teamwork is me, trying to get everyone to work, trying my hardest not to piss my boss off, writing long-ass emails filled with scolding words that even I would be ashamed to read again, always being in the mood of explaining and, basically, talking back to my boss each and every damn time she's not happy with any detail in the articles.
• It's a lot of work to get this thing into system, if at all. It would be wonderful if I could get a fucking raise or something, cause I can feel the neurons in my brain being washed off every time my boss gets kinky or the collaborator acts useless.
• Idk I just wanna get it out there. My Facebook is filled with friends who just quit their jobs, who do 1-month backpack trips around the country, who are married and like to rub their happiness into people's faces. Am I missing on some kind of youth lifestyle or something?

• There are a couple things that act as my Achilles heel. Which basically means, if you bring it up the wrong way, I swear I'll fight you to death with it. I'm also a headstrong, so every time people mess up on conversing, I just sit there with the thought, dumbass communicates like a retarded, why hasn't natural selection eliminated you yet. 
• And racism is one of them. The time I spent in Germany was eye-opening for me, not because they have Straßenbahnen, which was mega-awesome by the way, but because it was the first time I felt so conscious about where I come from. I acknowledged racism with a much closer take than before, because where I live is not exactly the most cosmopolitan environment. 
• A friend of mine, to whom I like to talk sometimes, got racist last night. Needless to say I was beyond angry. The very friend who stood by and saw me in a racist situation months ago and decided not to do anything in my defense.
• Racism is just something people do that I deeply do not understand why they have to do that. I'm just disappointed. The kind of disappointment where you just can't compensate.
• I don't like to lose friends. I've lost so many already just for being myself, and things like that really makes me question my self-esteem and my morals as a person. So the ones that are able to put up with me are the ones to keep. Especially since I haven't had many contacts left after Germany, and as much as I hate communicating through comments and Whatsapp messages, I still push myself to do it just for the sake of it. So when I got mad to the point where I thought I couldn't go to sleep anymore, I thought, is this it?
• Maybe I'm just being unreasonable, but for now I'm just so fed up with it that I need some time to digest this.

I guess it's fair that there's a time like this every once in a while. And eventually I'll bounce back or move on to some other state of mind. It's all about where you decide to say "eventually" actually. I haven't been able to have good sleeps lately, and it affects my mood I think. I really need to check out all of those pillow mists that people have been talking so much about.

Sorry that my long-time-no-write post is filled with all of these negative things. If you're reading this, I hope you have a better sleep than I do lately. Stay hydrated humans.

2015

• Is it that time again when people do that sort of throwback to what they did the entire year? I don't remember doing it the last years here, but since this year has been one hell of a year, I guess it's fair that I write things down.
• Crazy how time flies huh? In some ways it feels like 2 weeks ago when I got back home from Germany, still doesn't feel like home, like if I knock on the wall, Victor will knock back from his room and I'll climb over the window and we'll drink really cold tea and talk about girls and video games. But it feels like 3 years since I last saw my grandpa. It's just how my mind works I guess.
• As I said, one hell of a year. I managed to score a trip to Thailand for a conference, which is probably one of the proudest things I've ever achieved. I somehow managed to get a visa for Germany, now looking back at it I honestly don't know how driven I was in those sunny days of March to get that pretty little sticker visa on my passport. I managed to fly 17 hours alone to Germany, which a luggage that's larger than life, somehow got down to the Bielefeld station after a very nervous 3-hour train journey. I somehow managed to carry that damn luggage up to my little room in Unistrasse, frowned upon the fact that the kitchen was a complete mess, opened my completely empty section in the kitchen and thought, goodness I will never be able to memorize all of this thing.
• But then I did. I know how to get to Penny, how to get to Jahnplatz, to the Rathaus to extend my visa. I survived a 6-hour train delay due to one of the biggest thunderstorm Germany is to witness. I made friends, actual friends to hang out with at lunchtime in mensa, and oh, I figured out how mensa works, and goodness is it magical. I started talking with Jason about stationery in mensa, snuck in Victor's room to watch Game of Thrones, somehow even had the guts to ask Cornelius to help me correct the grammar mistakes to my presentation. I somehow managed to survive 2 presentations, which is minute comparing to those who study there and the amount of presentations that I had to do at home, but still. I managed to figure out how not to get lost inside that giant library, and that my section is at gate D, always gate D. I somehow managed to memorize the way to Morgenbreede on that morning, when I was loathed by everyone and only had Ivan to be friends with. I still remember bringing a cup of hot cocoa to his place, only to have him comment, you have a weird way of making cocoa. 
• And then there's the drunk song, the controversial sleepover, the walk in the park with Victor ended with that random kiss in front of the giant tree monster in pitch dark. Then there were the times when I traveled alone, the days where we ate so much Haribo our tongue turned blue, the day Gabriele got so drunk he screamed nonsense to passers by while pouring beer on the street. I met that couple in Belgium and made them this really really false spring rolls, but they were so nice they complimented them anyways. Then there's the epic incredible legendary trip to Dortmund consisting of 11 people with 10 nationalities. I went to Amsterdam with possibly the worst companion, then I went to Paris with the best one, playing that guessing game while waiting hopelessly to get into Le Catacombs. I saw the Eiffel Tower while sitting on a tram, with street musicians playing in the background. I had to literally pinch myself to believe that I was there.
• I could write til tomorrow, cause like I said, one hell of a year. Moments like this make me really wish I have that full memory capacity thing, where I remember everything and not let anything get away. 
• But then there's the incident, there's the thing with my grandpa, there's regret. There's blaming myself for not being there, for being drained of emotions so fast and so heartlessly. There's nights of crying and asking myself 'why did I do this', 'why didn't I do this'. There's the poem that I keep with me everywhere I go but wouldn't bear to read. There's the flight back home, the disappointment, the desperate hope that I will make it out of here some day. There's not always happy moments.
• But what the hell, I'm gonna end the year with some more traveling, wrapping the year of 2015 in between flights, which is kind of my dream to be honest.
• I think last year I wrote something like, may 2015 be a kick-ass awesome year. And it was. Well, I'm pretty sure 2016 won't be as exciting, and I have to admit, it's hard to top such a year, but I'm willing to believe Sinatra, the best is yet to come. Make the most out of life, it's all I have for now.
• Have a good night folks. Wherever you are. 

yogurt cup #112

• on and off and on and off again
• I haven't been feeling very fine, no surprise, why else would i write anyways? Or it's probably just that I've napped for too long and now I'm a little disorientated and tired. That sounds more likely.
• Some days it feels nice, like today. Today made me wanna actually pick it up and like make something out of it, some other days I just regret it the moment he steps into my room.
• I'm killing myself and I know it. It's probably the period speaking as well, as I'm experiencing severe mood swings and listening to the weirdest music right now.
• I haven't graduated. And some of my friends have, naturally, and they're having a ceremony today at the university, with capes and diplomas and shit. I'm not too big a fan of capes, but I'm a huge fan of ending my miserable years at the university and being able to apply for scholarships to go somewhere.
• Today at my office there's also this big ass party celebrating the website's birthday. I don't feel it, and normally I'd just go because of the food, cause they usually have fancy parties at Korean barbecue restaurants and who would turn down a free barbecue set? But this year I guess the budget's tight and people's gotten creative, so instead of fancy barbecue, there's the plastic chair bar and getting drunk all night. Which, as you might have noticed, I'm not a big fan of.
• So, after the longer than usual siesta, I'm upset because I'm left out at both of the places I'm working in. And I hate being left out, probably more than anything.
• Don't get me wrong and assume I'm a straight-edge or something. I love getting drunk. But with the right set of people, who will do crazy reckless shit when they're out of control. My group of friends in Germany has set the bar pretty high on that one. So when I got back, I was riding my motorbike through these bars and discos around the city, trying to see if it gets me excited again and if I could find a way to find any escapism to the mundane circle in this vast city, did I realize it doesn't make any sense if you're with the wrong people.
• I love Camellia, I do, cause frankly who would I hang out with if not her? But she's the depressed type, the type that would stay at home for 8 days straight wearing one set of clothes, although washing her hair 17 times per day, eating 5 boxes of cream puff ordered online and binge-watching a series of Chinese emo-series. She's not the going to the bar getting drunk kissing strangers letting them touch your boobs kind of girl. I've seen her in those kinds of environment, and that was kind of defining, in terms of 'ok how about we get outta here and find some food'. I miss getting crazy, and seeing people get reaaaaaaaaaaally racist when they're drunk. I once met this guy, who I'm pretty sure has a fetish for Asian girls, as he approached me in that weird way after he was flinging it with another Asian 5 minutes before. It's kind of fascinating to see how weird people can act when it comes to race, one of the things that make me glad to stay here is that I'm not constantly worried that I'm being judged.
• I'm just trying to act like an adult in all of this stuff, which is fucking difficult when you just really wanna rage quit and live in poverty while people look at you with sorry eyes. It's fine that my boss finds Camellia's work more credible than mine, and basically asks her to run the damn column alongside with me. But it's probably me, it's probably cause I have bad work attitude, cause I'm irresponsible and shut down my phone sometimes, cause I don't have that girly 'sense' that's needed for this job. There's probably a million people who can do the job better than I do, I just got lucky for a moment.
• Last week I was fully motivated, thinking I could handle this, I'm doing well, I got this. This week with the period comes a lot of mood swings. Why do girls have to suffer from this? Is this why sexism exists?
• So anyways, here are a few acceptable shots from my recently developed film roll. It's my first, so there's a lot to fix, but this is more fun than it proposed.

yoghurt cup #111

• Yes today is a necessary day to write something down, otherwise I think my brain's gonna explode for the information overload.
• The boulevard news shit really get me. It's bullshit as normal and I usually don't care, but this time it just contributes to my concrete lack of faith in people. A guy who's engaged to one of the (supposedly) prettiest girls in the show business, turns out to have an affair with a pretty 17-year-old. Comeonnnn my distrust in this society is already vast, you don't need to show me this.
• How does it feel like to be thrown back into the environment where people treat you like a dude again? Marvelous I must say, cause I don't have identity or self-esteem problems in the first place already, why would this make any difference? 
• But who am I to judge people? I cheated on my boyfriend while in Germany also.
• I feel bad. I have been feeling bad for a couple of weeks now, and I tried to talk to him to see if it gets any better. Eventually, although I still feel bad and bored and lonely, I realized something, I respect him and all of his once feelings for me wholeheartedly, but we're just not suited for each other. It stings me to think about it, but I'm sure he'll find someone who appreciates him more than I do. 
• I tried not to think too much about Victor and the life that I left behind when I didn't fight for the chance to stay for another 6 months. I have a good life here, I convince myself, and I can enjoy life the way I want here also, I just need to have more courage. But still, the thought is like smoke, and it creeps into my mind every now and always, and until I read a cheesy line or watch a random "The one that got away"-type of video on Youtube do I break down and cry so easily. Which makes me realize how vulnerable my mentality is holding itself right now. Dangerous shit.
• I actually have to worry about being an adult and facing decisions right now. I don't want to teach, at least not now. Moreover, I don't want to work for somebody I don't feel comfortable. It makes me feel bad, affects my work quality, and in the long haul will result in me doing something stupid.
• Ugh being an adult is so. not. fun.
• Anyways I really need to go to bed. One of the brightening thoughts of the day is that I will get to choose a new bed and desk for my room, then I'll dwell into the magical world of bed sheets and pillows and blankets. And I'll get less bored of my geographical surrounding for about 2 months, and then it's Christmas and I'll probably drag another bunch of decoratives and do silly things. Just you wait.
• 
  

yoghurt cup 110

• Somewhere out there, 17 hours of flight away from my little room, it's all happening again.

yoghurt cup 109

• Oh wow.
• Can you believe it? Last time I wrote a blog post, it was the first one from Germany. And here I am again after 6 whirlwind months that were probably the most memorable time of my life so far, sitting in my room full of postcards and maps and train tickets that I collected from all of my trips, feeling two thousand things but not one slice of sleepiness thanks to the jet-lag. Time sure does fly when you enjoy yourself huh?

• Where do I even begin to describe it? I didn't even have time to stop and write a blog about it. Trust me, I've written a lot in my phone, in my notebook, but a blog post apparently requires much more time and contribution than just a bunch of scribbles. And when you've written for long enough, you feel less comfortable to share them on the internet, where people can somewhat find out and read about it.

• I wonder who even reads this blog anymore except for me. I've been writing just for myself for such a long time, but secretly, in a little corner of my mind, I still wish for this blog to have an audience. Every writer needs a good reader, and I'm too much of a show-off to want that haha
• When I think about my passport, about my postcard wall back in that room number 5008 in Bielefeld, I like to think "this girl's traveled the world". I'm proud, I've outdone myself in those trips, just the little things that I thought I'd never be able to do, like figuring out the tram system in Berlin, carrying heavy backpacks in Paris, having a scar on my knee for falling from a bike in Amsterdam, doing couchsurfing, and just being alone and content at the same time. The world is large, and oh do I know that. I've met people who's traveled much much farther than me, and who has all kinds of stories to tell that's gonna make you burst out laughing, but at the same time secretly admire their journey. I've met people covered in scars and smiles, telling the story of how I shouldn't be ashamed of my marks, and how they've fought a deadly fight. The world is still large, still full of wonderful things to see, and I'm feeling proud to unveil one little page of it.

• We never dated, and we never broke up. It all seems like a joke, and we just jokingly tell people "oh, she's my 'it's complicated'", when in fact, what we feel is just too simple. We want an irresponsible relationship where everybody gets their dream. We found each other in the silently chaotic corner that is Germany, I was drunk and he was standing with the thought, why don't I just get this over with already. After all, I got to be the girl in the relationship for a little time, and he has somebody to practice his romance to. And jokingly, we tell each other, 'I'm not waiting for you anymore, it's just pointless'. Probably after some time I'm gonna read back to this and be surprised at myself for feeling that much for a person at that time, gonna lay my back down to the sofa thinking, what a good time I've had. It's too beautiful to spoil that although I'm sad that it ended, I wouldn't have done anything differently to have more time with him. I miss him terribly, I really do, but it's the kind of missing when you don't think about them the entire day, you don't wish for them to be here, and you don't look back at the photos you took together in your phone. It's the kind of missing where you treasure the time you've had, the things you've done to each other, that perfect poem without any spelling mistakes, the beautiful notebook, the little note that says 'Welcome home!'. I've always found it extremely hard to move on, cause the word 'moving on' itself is a long and painful process, in which you don't know when it happens, and I always end up being the one who sits somewhere in a coffee shop, with a notebook, a pen and too many emotions and feelings that I don't know where to put. I always lose in the game of, who will move on first, and I know for sure, I will lose this time.

• Gabriele and I used to sit in the train going to the airport. It was a rainy Monday, when I traveled to Italy and he traveled home. As a habit, he started singing that yodeling song that he'd been practicing for a good one month, this time so quietly like a whisper, and after the first verse, he said, 'it's not funny anymore'. I still remember that moment, cause if you know Gabriele, you're always gonna see him being hyperactive and giving out this never-ending positive energy that just attracts people like sugar attracting ants. In that slight moment I saw sadness in his eyes. I think for all of us exchanging kids, we all have that look after going home. Some call it 'post-Erasmus depression', but I think we're just dreamers, slowly waking up from our best dreams.
• It's gonna take me some time to find the pattern now that I'm back home, suddenly with a whole new set of things to do. Learn to love the city again Sam, it's an order.

yoghurt cup 108

• Hello from Germany. You don't think I'd forget about this hideout do ya? 
• I don't know how to begin the life I have here in Germany. I wouldn't say it's a hideous mess, but a glorious rock-star life has no resemblance either. It's kind of a mixture of both, but it's anything but boring.
• Thing #1: Stuff happened, of course. With my set of personality and the freedom of expression provided here in Europe, I wouldn't be blind to pass out a chance to get wild. What surprises me is just that, my getting wild somehow got quite a lot of people upset. Times like this really made me scan myself mentally, trying to wrap my head around the matter to see how others understand things that in my world are just so normal and most likely overlooked. Times like this also made me realize, that nature does a wonderful job of filtering people in my life, not necessarily good or bad, just people who at one point can't walk the same path with me anymore.
• It's lonely as fuck have to admit. Years of being alone has taught me not to grow clingy to people, otherwise you'll make yourself boring and it won't go anywhere. And actually, I don't even feel half bad, guess it's just the power of the mind when you've got everything settled and determine which people you need and don't need in life. It just saddens me to know that sometimes people throw things away so easily, especially things that I consider to be important. Oh the things you learn at age 21.
• Thing #2: I know the things that I do with guys here, I won't be able to tell anybody, because they're just too much for the people at home to handle. 
• We did sleepover, twice. We held hands, he toyed with my hair, i pretended to be sleepy to hug him while I slept, just small kid stuff. I need these kinds of moments, since I've been occupying my mind too much with heavy social things, and since he kind of said 'i thought you'd be a more carefree girl'.
• I don't actually like him or have a crush on him or anything. We both know we have another half waiting somewhere, and that's what makes it so fragile. I guess I'm just tired of being the man in the relationship, where I have to stand up and give advices and tell things like 'it's alright, don't worry, tomorrow's gonna be better' even though I have a thousand things swinging in my mind. I somehow have a feeling like he wants someone like a kid or a little sister to take care of, and a little bit better, to cuddle and do cute stuff with. One great thing about this is that, although it's so fragile, I'm very certain he's not gonna do anything to me, not gonna cross the line no matter what we do. Another great thing, I don't have to care about whether he has the characteristics, whether he's determined enough or what his life goals are, the kind of friendship where you care, you have real feelings, but don't ask too much from the other, knowing that it's merely pointless to have so many worries in such little time.
• Thing #3: Talking about wearing the pants in the relationship, I can see how mine is deteriorating. It's not a good thing I have to admit, to a point where I just don't give a fuck if MJ wants to sabotage my life and just tell him everything I've done here. I'm dealing with 1000 things, my head is always heavy no matter what I do, and I can't share to him, because I know for sure he will never understand it. Times like this change me, but not completely, it just takes out the unplanted seeds in my mind and nurtures it into a tiny tree that directs me to another way. I ask too much from people, that they have to understand me from the roots, and I know it's impossible, but still, as I change and my feelings change, I feel bad for the things I have to leave behind.
• He's in a breakdown, I am too. He cries to me about it a couple of days ago, and as I tiredly typed pointless advices I realized how I didn't have the mental capacity to care about his problems when I still haven't quite sorted out mine. A 18-year-old me would feel immediately bad, and just run back to him no matter what, and try to listen to everything. But the tired and troublesome 21-year-old me glanced through his words and thought, isn't this supposed to be the other way, where I'm the one who asks for advices and knows for sure that I'll feel better after the pep-talk?
• No matter what I do to anyone, I feel bad.
• That, is what you missed, on my life in Germany.

yoghurt cup #105 - day 0 & day 116

• So, I installed this countdown app on my phone to keep track of how many days there are left until Germany, and before 12:30 last night it was just a number. A countdown wouldn't affect you so much unless it's down to its very last counts, so I didn't really care about it. 116 days is just a number, means nothing.
• Until it fucking did mean something. That is less than 4 fucking months. What a time to choose to settle down for a relationship Jenny.
• Now that this is happening do I realize of how many shitty relationships I've gotten myself into, and how much it made an impact on me. 
• It's been only one day. Still in the best times. It will get worse, just you wait Jenny.

yoghurt cup #104

• You know days like this will come Jenny. No surprise or anything.
• So much for selfish relationships. Next time if you ever feel like you'd rather have company than spend your time alone, remember how these "companies" make you feel. 
• Ugh low mediocre feelings I hate you. I'm too good to be bothered by all of this bullshit. 
• Where can I run to get my head out of abundance with all of these people? I know most of the time I'm fascinated with the way people act, but I guess this comes alongside with the observation. This is just another example that people consist of more ugly elements than nice ones, and that you can't just enjoy the good bits without having to taste the bad ones. 
• I think there's not exactly a scale that measures how terrible a person can be, it's just simply whether you're still enduring the stress or not. Comparing all of the terrible people that I've had the chance to encounter, I think they're just all equally so terrible, it's just that there are some I don't have to deal with anymore.
• I shouldn't be feeling like this, I just won a scholarship to study in Germany for a month and got chosen to participate in a seminar in Thailand next year. Jennehhhh every time you get upset just think about the awesome things awaiting you. Don't be bothered by all of this crap stuff.

yoghurt cup #103

• another identity crisis about why i'm not being awesome although i'm technically a lil bit too old to even have any identity crisis, both with personality and appearance
• i hate nights like this

some words before the big two one

• Oh hey this is exactly an hour and 33 minutes before the day when my Facebook is gonna (hopefully) flood in happy birthday messages and stuff. And where could be a better place to wait for that precious moment than this depressive blog that I swear my emotional life on right?
• Haha ok no more sarcasm, I'm gonna try stepping in the new day with a positive attitude as I've really been drowned in deadlines and lots and lots of things that required me to have to communicate with people so much to the point where I'm starting to put my thoughts usually only for private things on such people and things as well. And not until this afternoon I think when my mom came back with her apple cinnamon cake that honestly didn't taste much like an apple cinnamon cake, still good though, did I even think about turning 21.
• Is it even OK to freak out? Cause I really do right now. This feels almost like taking a test, partly because I did just take one of the most intensive tests and am still preparing for other two big ass ones, but the tension is real. One reason is because I honestly don't think people's gonna enjoy the cake, cause I seem to be the last standing person on the face of Earth that likes a cinnamon cake, and just the thought of seeing people like not wanting to eat the cake that my mom put so much work into just makes me nervous. Ugh this is just a show I hate a show why can't it just be like me inviting the teachers to have a bite and then that's it. Please no singing no clapping and stuff I only receive gifts haha. But really, I feel extremely awkward when put into such situations. It creeps me out just by thinking about it gahhh
• So, I'm just gonna make a summary just to remember this day, the day before I turn 21.
•  

• Age: 20 and 364 days and 22 hours and 40 minutes, according to my laptop
• Occupation: student, editor, tutor
• Amount of close friends: 5-6
• How was your day? Just ended this horrid German class with that obnoxious teacher, got scolded by the boss for messing up an article, received two basillion birthday wishing text messages from all kinds of shops, planning on deleting them all.
• What did you wear today? Hmm what did I wear? My trusty ol' white shorts that make me look like a guy but so comfortable I had to break down the barriers and my trusty ol' sweater from Oasis. No underwear. Blue Nikes.
• Current hair occupation: slightly ombre, almost ridiculously long and the hair ends are a true nightmare haha
• Dating occupation: what do you think?
• Missing anyone? Yes actually. One thing I still have to work on. Why are you in Canada?
• Things achieved this year: still managed to keep the job, got rid of those who needed getting rid of, participated in things I never thought I'd participate, got the chance to get to know more about more people, made valuable friends, knew a teeny tiny little bit how to play guitar, took up doodling again after what seemed like a thousand years, opened another blog, finally convinced my parents that a Macbook is a good idea.
• Things to crave for next year: a trip to Germany, come back from Germany and still be able to be friends with all my friends, still maintain a habit of writing a blog, no more romance bullshit and hurting myself, better hair ends, no more nail-biting (T.T), GRADUATE, meet more people, be less stupid and finally put my foot out of my mouth, be adequate in the TestDaF, control anger, give more gifts to people, send more postcards to people, still love everything that I do if not like now then even more, put even more passion in everything, and most importantly, meet as many little dogs and cats on the streets as my heart can desire.
• Love yourself more Schammm!
• Another reason to freak out is the fear of missing anything important in this post, and then when it turns tomorrow adding things to the post won't mean anything anymore.
• I think this should be it for now. I'll report more tomorrow. Have a wonderful sleep world.

Yoghurt cup #102

• Long time no write. Feels really like forever as I've forgotten about even owning a blog for the past month.
• These past couple of days have been especially hectic. I had no choice but to maintain a completely healthy lifestyle, one I'd never accomplished to do, in order to have energy to finish every deadline in this semester. That means saying goodbye to basically any type of confectionery and fast food, drinking a ridiculous amount of water and sleeping whenever I have a chance.
• But in the midst of deadlines I can still say that I'm happy. Sometimes this thought came to me, the only reason why I can manage to stuff 2 jobs, 3 subjects, each are as important as the other, and each come with two tons of homework, an internship reflection and the preparation for the TOEFL test, is because I truly love everything I'm doing.
• I guess I've always been unfair to the world by judging it so hard for the things others don't put their minds into. I feel like I'm walking on a circus robe with the only thing tying my feet and the robe is the passion for the things I do. If it's gone, I'm just gonna fall free exactly like the people that I've been judging. 
• But loving it or not, when people juggle with so many balls at once for such a long time, there will come a time when the balls fly out of their hand.
• And hence this post.
• I'm not this weak, I'm just a couple hours lack of sleep and spending one of the most tiring days since the semester started. Plus PMS. Everything's fine, I just feel like whining for a little while.
•  
• Tonight I listened to a couple of the German songs I used to listen to when I was in junior high, ugh the feelings. It's really something when you listen to a foreign song, purely because of its melody, not understanding a word being sung. Then by some randomly weird chance, you study the language, and on such a long and tiring day where nothing goes right like this, you listen to the songs and understand perfectly what it means, what it's been meaning all those years. It feels almost like a blind person seeing family faces for the first time. You know the voice, the muster of the faces, but can never put them together. Feels like everything makes sense now. It's complete.
• I never realized how much I love learning a new language until today, when I get the taste of how it feels to almost lose that love for a moment. Feels absolutely desperate. I think it's enough, you only realize the good things when it's gone.
• Short post, just cause it's such an emotional day for me, and because I haven't written anything personally for a while. This is crucial to balance the elements (I'm talking like that Lars von Trier movie again).
• Ok goodbye safety blanket, I have to flee back to real life tomorrow. Have a glorious life people!

Yogurt cup #101

• So, long time no see. I've put myself in yet another pile of things to do, without thinking much about whether I even have enough time to finish all of it. So typical me, never think much before anything.
• Weird things happened when I was at the beach. Just when I thought, ok I'm good now, I think I'm over him by now, he just came wasping back into my life, asking pointless questions like how I've been doing lately and all. I don't like these kinds of questions, because everytime asked, I find myself at a loss of what to answer. How am I supposed to answer such a question? I've been doing fine, living my awesome busy life and all, still shopping like a psychopath and getting lost every now and always?? There should be a book that teaches girls how to reply to questions like that with kick-ass mindblowing answers.
• And then he apologized. Not for anything in particular. But because I know him (or so I think), and I know uncertainty is one of his big characteristics, I know he's apologizing for that day at the movie theater. Why am I so sure? Because after I ignored his apology he even went back asking me if I hated him or not.
• Moment like this made me realize how I've raised my standards in guys. A month ago he was all I could think about, but then shit happened, and a month later I'm not even excited enough to reply to him, something which I never accomplished to do before.
• I really don't like meaningless actions like this. Because if you were gonna make an impact or really felt bad, then do something while you're not fucking 300,000 miles away. Now he's back to wherever he's from, too bored from hanging out with moose and made such a pointless apology, it just didn't change what'd happened.
• I guess because I've dealt with worse people and worse situations like this, I actually considered this a good move. Because after all, at least he felt bad about what he did, which made it a teeny bit easier for me to think good thoughts about him. I'm just never gonna be satisfied with human actions anyways, so what's the point.
• It's a good thing that because I stack so many long words in this blog, nobody's gonna spend so much time reading what I'm writing, that means I get to write whatever I want.
• Cam broke up with his boyfriend. This is the part where I've always feared, because if there's one thing she's good at, that is destroying herself. The scary thing about Camellia is that, although on the outside she's absolutely fine in just 2 days after the breakup, she's actually eating herself up inside and is putting every bit of energy she has to pull herself up to a standing position. She's like that mermaid in Andersen's story, where she dances so lightly when her feet feel like they're being stung by a thousand needles.
• So much for the last summer. 
• After a large amount of effort (and also a little blood), I've sucessfully pierced the 4 silver earrings on to my earlobes. The problem before was that the stick (you know the part of the earring where they go through your hole) was a little big for my piercing, that was why it was almost impossible for me to get the earring on to the ear. But with a lot of effort they finally made it. I haven't worn permanent jewelry in a long time, feels nice to try that out again.

The little things of me today:
~ favorite food blog: userealbutter.com
~ favorite colour today: orange (of my little notebook)
~ things to remember today: got the volunteer job at that international program
~ red lipstick is a savior

Yogurt cup #100: it ends tonight

• It's true what they say, when one door closes, two doors open. Today precisely marks the end of a lot of things that matter to me in the summer, and I thought I'd feel upset and stuff, but actually right now, when I'm putting on another facial mask to prove to the world that I do indeed take care of myself sometimes, it doesn't feel much heavy.
• He leaves today. I guess I haven't talked about what happened after the last post. I tried writing it down but given the context that this is the 100th yogurt cup it just doesn't feel right to write such angry or depressed words. I've gotten to the point when I'm just so scared to have to think bad about anybody. Carrying around negative feelings towards a person is no easy task, because every now and then when your mind wanders back to a memory about that person, you have to try to shut it down or switch to something else. So I've found a way to still think good things about him, we're never gonna meet again, might as well just keep nice memories about each other. Summer's always been an emotional time for me already, a couple of nice thoughts won't hurt anyone.
• I pm-ed him on Facebook the other day, asking him when he'd leave. It's the worst told lie ever because goodness do I memorize it. I thought he wouldn't answer given the situation that I texted him, with pretty heavy words, that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, and that although we're friends with benefits there should be a limitation to all of this. But he did answer, pretty nicely, so I just wished him well and that was it. I think in about a year or so whenI look back at this I'm just gonna blame myself for being too naive and for acting too much like an annoying teenager, but I'm never gonna stop blaming myself anyways, at least this time I can just pride myself on taking actions that bear slight resemblance to what adults normally do.
• Today was also the exam date of my Landeskunde class. The class was the only thing that kept me productive the entire summer, making me feel like I'm finally doing something beneficial, not just lying around thinking about boys. Although I don't think I did very well on the test, I think I'll pass. It's surprising how the thought of not getting to go to school 3 days a week kind of upsets me. The class was really fun, it felt almost like we're entering a TV show rather than a class studying about Swiss geography, educational system and economy. Oh well, I have about 3 or 4 weeks before school starts again, time to squeeze in another trip. If my mom ever allows me to go anywhere.
• I bought a silver ring the other day, just to kind of mark the end to all of this. I haven't bought any true piece of jewelry in such a long time, and the idea of buying jewelry as memory keeper is new to me, so I really wanted to try it out. But I'll have to refrain myself from buying too many rings and lose the meaning of it in the first place.
• Babbling much, but in the end I just wanna say, summer's really over. Everything that's happened feels like a whirlwind, it's so surreal to the point where I can't believe all of it could cram in such few sunny days. This might be the last "obligated" summer that I have before I finish school, so, might just spend the next couple of days well enough to start off a fresh year next year.

Ice cream cone #99: the one who stays

• It's kind of a special thing for me, writing the 100th yogurt cup/ice cream cone post. Believe it or not, I've pictured the day when I reach the 100th post since the very first days when I started putting my thoughts into dots at the beginning of every sentence. I could never imagine the walks I've walked to get here, and the amount of time that it took has exceeded my expectations vastly. I honestly thought that it would only take somewhat a year to reach the number, but it turned out to be 4 years and 4 months.
• 4 years. Imagine that. I can feel the molecules in my body change even everyday, not to mention 4 years. I started this blog when I was 16, never thinking it would play such a big part in keeping the most important pieces of my experience throughout the years. But the only thing one can predict about the future is its unpredictability, and look where we are now. Hopefully this will still be the home of my many complicated and confusing thoughts haha

• I'm gonna write about the days when I feel good, just in case the next day will be a terrible day and I don't have anything to look back on.
• So, I got weak again. I'm like an addict who always finds herself an excuse to use drugs. I basically did everything to prevent myself from going to this rabbit hole and do more stupid things, but guess what, no self-control. 
• This is what happened last time, and I'm experiencing about 4984 feelings at once. I'm obviously ridiculously joyous to spend any time with him, constantly remind myself not to enjoy it too much because he's not even mine, and after yesterday even had to prepare myself for the upcoming future when I once again plays the one who stays.
• When I say I want to go to Germany, I really mean I wanna be the one who leaves just for once. I've been seeing people off at the airport for so many times, and in those many times I never stopped wondering when it would be my chance to leave. Will it still be as exciting as it is now or will it be filled with worrisome thoughts and tears and sadness?
•  
• I don't even know how to enjoy things without feeling lost. Yesterday was really nice. But I'm the worst human being ever, because in moments when he hugged me for no reason at all, or when we just talked about random things (and we rarely talk, because let's face it, what would we even talk about), half of my thoughts were devoted to the idea of what would you do when he leaves. I've read lots of motivational talks about how you should just seize the moment and enjoy the little things while you still can, but it's not so easily done as it is on words. I'm so weak and it's ridiculous. I've been listening to Sam Smith an awful lot lately, mostly because his music is truly good, but every time I listen to the record, I think about him. Just slightly, not of a specific thing or anything, but just imagine when I've finally grown worn of the album and randomly hear a song played in a coffee shop or through the phone of a friend, how would it make me feel?
• This was supposed to be filled with blissful feelings from spending an entire day with him, and look what it's turned into.
• I'm too fascinated with humans it's just so hard to just concentrate on somebody just for sex, or physical attraction. Most of the people around me don't get me excited nearly half as much as he does, and I don't even know why. The more I want to unravel what goes on in his life, the more fearful I get about whether it'd turn out ugly and I won't even be able to keep a nice image about him - someone I used to crush that summer. 
• "Crush", such a funny choice of word, Jennifer. I haven't categorized my liking in guys like that anymore. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I have a couple of guy friends who are surprisingly patient when I start pouring stories about my life and him, who I can maybe consider as my crush but not very likely since I've decided that I only like him because of the physical attraction, not because of a specific set of character or anything.
• The weird thing is that, I have so much going on in my life right now, like summer school, that kid I'm tutoring German, my job, my enthusiasm for new movies, my new lens and the bunch of my friends who are spending time back home before leaving for the last two semesters in their wonderlands. And he still creeps into my thoughts somehow. I hate it, I hate when I'm almost completely ruled by just one person, and he doesn't even know how much of a psycho I am.
• I swear if he only knew half of the things that go on in my head he would never wanna see me again. Or maybe if he just read this blog he'd know how big of a creep I actually am. 
• This is emotional suicide. In about two months when you're lying on your bed completely alone your head's gonna be filled with memories of every-single-date that you'd had with him, and it's gonna eat you up so quickly you can't even cry anymore. 
• I wanna fast forward my life to the point when he'll be gone like for the longest time and I will no longer live in the state of waiting. I've been so desperately seeking a person who understands me when I'm talking about how I like to peek into the windows of old apartment buildings and imagine my life in one of those strange houses, and I guess it's both because life is hard and because my standards are too high that I just grab people who fulfill my needs partially, and tell myself this is just a temporary solution, and I'll loose this lifestyle once I've found the right person. It feels like living on a string, because the people I've chosen can leave at anytime, and I'd end up feeling more lonely than before I started, blaming myself for my stupid decisions while watching unrealistic movies about how easily it is for people to fall in love.
• Ohhh don't you just love the youth crisis.

Ice cream cone #98: the ride home

• I'd given quite a lot of thoughts about whether I should start writing another post. Because writing a post only means one thing, that is depression, and as much as I want to let all of the trapped thoughts out of my head, the act of writing them down will hurt me again, and that will also mean that I accept defeat. But whatever, I never know self-control anyways.
• It's a ridiculous society we live in. In the relationship between two people, whoever invests more feelings loses. As I was driving back home from the movie theater today, I thought about how generously and innocently I've always been giving my feelings away to people ever since I was a kid. All of those summer camps always ended up in tears somehow, if not because a guy didn't know my existence it was because he was more enthusiastic with a friend of mine, not me. For all those years I always thought having a lot of feelings was a bad thing, because it doesn't bring me anything but pain to myself, and days and nights of crying and times of ultimate loneliness. I've been so used to entertaining and looking after myself for such a long time that sometimes it feels natural, that I know how to enjoy things by myself, and that I lock down the loneliness on a daily basis. I hate how actually vulnerable I am, underneath all of the normal chatting and busy things that I have to do everyday. 
• That was basically what happened when I accidentally chose the wrong person to be my priority. I couldn't stand for one second hearing about his dates with the other whatever girls, and what they're doing everyday. I don't need any of this. If he wants to hang out with me, why bring up the subject that concerns other girls anyways? If you wanna hang out with them, please do that. I love hanging out with you and all, but I'd rather not go out than go out and find out that I'm only here as a second option, the alternative when your priority can't make it. You have a friend who you talk everyday like your girlfriend, you have a crush that you still take out on dates, and then you have me, the one who's willing to pay for the movie tickets, and run up to wherever you are just to see you. I'm just a freak you somehow picked up on the street and stupid enough to actually believe that you might have a slightest feeling for me.
• He's not even worth these many words. But after what seems like another date,, I went back home feeling used and all rotten inside and it's just ridiculous. Moments like this remind me of that quote from "Art of Getting by": "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion". Good thing to know he's not even real.
• Short thoughts before bed. I'm so tired after such a long day I need to go to bed like asap. Hopefully I won't have to write out of depression for a while.

Ice cream cone #97

• So today I've come to the conclusion that I've somehow alienated every person possible around me out of my comfort zone. That sounds 100% like a bad thing, cause for an extrovert, the worst thing is not to have anyone around and you're gonna have to reduce yourself to mundane individual tasks like reading books or watching movie series or going to that English class that you've deliberately avoided for the past few weeks. It's just not a happy one.
• Everybody has these days, I like to think that. Because otherwise I'd just be this weird antisocial kid who obviously has no patience or tolerance towards absolutely anything, and is superbly annoying to be around. And if in that case, it's society that's alienating me, not the other way around. That's why, like it or not, I have to believe that this is just one of those days. The days when you see friends around you have more interesting things to do, and are waving those fun activities on social media, similar to a pervert waving his handicapped dick at your face trying to be aroused, are the days when you either wish you own a nuclear bomb or pretend that you could call a guy and hook up with him while taking slutty photos with your tongue sticking out of your mouth and champagne spilling on your boobs. This is today for me.
• So immediately the first thought that came to my head was not to speak with those people ever again, which by the way is a completely amateur shot, because after all, the burden of an extrovert is that they usually need others more than others need them. So with this way, you just end up feeling more alone than ever while watching others continue to enjoy life and showing it off through hideously filtered photos on Instagram. 
• And then, the second thought came up. Which was, can I join you? You know, if you can't find a proper reason to hate on people, be one of the hated, so that other antisocial kids could have a chance to loathe and envy you at the same time. I have to admit, this is pretty pathetic, because somehow it looks like your life is so boring you have to cling to something else to make it better. Which, sadly, is exactly the case. So, as much as I want to stand up, get dressed, call everyone I've alienated and offer to join their lives, my pride stops me with  a harsh glare and a mumble of "you don't need them anyways".
• I write way more than I should. I can't even find a reason to write stuff down anymore. I always think that in order to write, you should read first, and I'm not that big of a reader. I'd much more enjoy listening to a good piece of classical music, taking photos or even cooking a new recipe. I guess I just like direct contact, I always have, and reading to me doesn't seem like the best way. Yet after such a shameful confession, I still find myself craving to get my fingers tapping on the laptop keyboard, writing such stuff that nobody reads out of mere satisfaction. I'm a person of a lot of guilt, so writing so much without ingesting anything back in my head in return, also feels like a guilt.
• Just babbling about nonsense. Back to reality. I think I'm gonna really go to that English class today to get things over with. I've been putting my mind everywhere else but the places it needs to be put, and it's got to change.
• Short thoughts on a rainy boring hateful day. I'm gonna take the most useless nap in the world. Good day folks.