yoghurt cup #111

• Yes today is a necessary day to write something down, otherwise I think my brain's gonna explode for the information overload.
• The boulevard news shit really get me. It's bullshit as normal and I usually don't care, but this time it just contributes to my concrete lack of faith in people. A guy who's engaged to one of the (supposedly) prettiest girls in the show business, turns out to have an affair with a pretty 17-year-old. Comeonnnn my distrust in this society is already vast, you don't need to show me this.
• How does it feel like to be thrown back into the environment where people treat you like a dude again? Marvelous I must say, cause I don't have identity or self-esteem problems in the first place already, why would this make any difference? 
• But who am I to judge people? I cheated on my boyfriend while in Germany also.
• I feel bad. I have been feeling bad for a couple of weeks now, and I tried to talk to him to see if it gets any better. Eventually, although I still feel bad and bored and lonely, I realized something, I respect him and all of his once feelings for me wholeheartedly, but we're just not suited for each other. It stings me to think about it, but I'm sure he'll find someone who appreciates him more than I do. 
• I tried not to think too much about Victor and the life that I left behind when I didn't fight for the chance to stay for another 6 months. I have a good life here, I convince myself, and I can enjoy life the way I want here also, I just need to have more courage. But still, the thought is like smoke, and it creeps into my mind every now and always, and until I read a cheesy line or watch a random "The one that got away"-type of video on Youtube do I break down and cry so easily. Which makes me realize how vulnerable my mentality is holding itself right now. Dangerous shit.
• I actually have to worry about being an adult and facing decisions right now. I don't want to teach, at least not now. Moreover, I don't want to work for somebody I don't feel comfortable. It makes me feel bad, affects my work quality, and in the long haul will result in me doing something stupid.
• Ugh being an adult is so. not. fun.
• Anyways I really need to go to bed. One of the brightening thoughts of the day is that I will get to choose a new bed and desk for my room, then I'll dwell into the magical world of bed sheets and pillows and blankets. And I'll get less bored of my geographical surrounding for about 2 months, and then it's Christmas and I'll probably drag another bunch of decoratives and do silly things. Just you wait.
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