Ice cream cone #99: the one who stays

• It's kind of a special thing for me, writing the 100th yogurt cup/ice cream cone post. Believe it or not, I've pictured the day when I reach the 100th post since the very first days when I started putting my thoughts into dots at the beginning of every sentence. I could never imagine the walks I've walked to get here, and the amount of time that it took has exceeded my expectations vastly. I honestly thought that it would only take somewhat a year to reach the number, but it turned out to be 4 years and 4 months.
• 4 years. Imagine that. I can feel the molecules in my body change even everyday, not to mention 4 years. I started this blog when I was 16, never thinking it would play such a big part in keeping the most important pieces of my experience throughout the years. But the only thing one can predict about the future is its unpredictability, and look where we are now. Hopefully this will still be the home of my many complicated and confusing thoughts haha

• I'm gonna write about the days when I feel good, just in case the next day will be a terrible day and I don't have anything to look back on.
• So, I got weak again. I'm like an addict who always finds herself an excuse to use drugs. I basically did everything to prevent myself from going to this rabbit hole and do more stupid things, but guess what, no self-control. 
• This is what happened last time, and I'm experiencing about 4984 feelings at once. I'm obviously ridiculously joyous to spend any time with him, constantly remind myself not to enjoy it too much because he's not even mine, and after yesterday even had to prepare myself for the upcoming future when I once again plays the one who stays.
• When I say I want to go to Germany, I really mean I wanna be the one who leaves just for once. I've been seeing people off at the airport for so many times, and in those many times I never stopped wondering when it would be my chance to leave. Will it still be as exciting as it is now or will it be filled with worrisome thoughts and tears and sadness?
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• I don't even know how to enjoy things without feeling lost. Yesterday was really nice. But I'm the worst human being ever, because in moments when he hugged me for no reason at all, or when we just talked about random things (and we rarely talk, because let's face it, what would we even talk about), half of my thoughts were devoted to the idea of what would you do when he leaves. I've read lots of motivational talks about how you should just seize the moment and enjoy the little things while you still can, but it's not so easily done as it is on words. I'm so weak and it's ridiculous. I've been listening to Sam Smith an awful lot lately, mostly because his music is truly good, but every time I listen to the record, I think about him. Just slightly, not of a specific thing or anything, but just imagine when I've finally grown worn of the album and randomly hear a song played in a coffee shop or through the phone of a friend, how would it make me feel?
• This was supposed to be filled with blissful feelings from spending an entire day with him, and look what it's turned into.
• I'm too fascinated with humans it's just so hard to just concentrate on somebody just for sex, or physical attraction. Most of the people around me don't get me excited nearly half as much as he does, and I don't even know why. The more I want to unravel what goes on in his life, the more fearful I get about whether it'd turn out ugly and I won't even be able to keep a nice image about him - someone I used to crush that summer. 
• "Crush", such a funny choice of word, Jennifer. I haven't categorized my liking in guys like that anymore. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I have a couple of guy friends who are surprisingly patient when I start pouring stories about my life and him, who I can maybe consider as my crush but not very likely since I've decided that I only like him because of the physical attraction, not because of a specific set of character or anything.
• The weird thing is that, I have so much going on in my life right now, like summer school, that kid I'm tutoring German, my job, my enthusiasm for new movies, my new lens and the bunch of my friends who are spending time back home before leaving for the last two semesters in their wonderlands. And he still creeps into my thoughts somehow. I hate it, I hate when I'm almost completely ruled by just one person, and he doesn't even know how much of a psycho I am.
• I swear if he only knew half of the things that go on in my head he would never wanna see me again. Or maybe if he just read this blog he'd know how big of a creep I actually am. 
• This is emotional suicide. In about two months when you're lying on your bed completely alone your head's gonna be filled with memories of every-single-date that you'd had with him, and it's gonna eat you up so quickly you can't even cry anymore. 
• I wanna fast forward my life to the point when he'll be gone like for the longest time and I will no longer live in the state of waiting. I've been so desperately seeking a person who understands me when I'm talking about how I like to peek into the windows of old apartment buildings and imagine my life in one of those strange houses, and I guess it's both because life is hard and because my standards are too high that I just grab people who fulfill my needs partially, and tell myself this is just a temporary solution, and I'll loose this lifestyle once I've found the right person. It feels like living on a string, because the people I've chosen can leave at anytime, and I'd end up feeling more lonely than before I started, blaming myself for my stupid decisions while watching unrealistic movies about how easily it is for people to fall in love.
• Ohhh don't you just love the youth crisis.

Ice cream cone #98: the ride home

• I'd given quite a lot of thoughts about whether I should start writing another post. Because writing a post only means one thing, that is depression, and as much as I want to let all of the trapped thoughts out of my head, the act of writing them down will hurt me again, and that will also mean that I accept defeat. But whatever, I never know self-control anyways.
• It's a ridiculous society we live in. In the relationship between two people, whoever invests more feelings loses. As I was driving back home from the movie theater today, I thought about how generously and innocently I've always been giving my feelings away to people ever since I was a kid. All of those summer camps always ended up in tears somehow, if not because a guy didn't know my existence it was because he was more enthusiastic with a friend of mine, not me. For all those years I always thought having a lot of feelings was a bad thing, because it doesn't bring me anything but pain to myself, and days and nights of crying and times of ultimate loneliness. I've been so used to entertaining and looking after myself for such a long time that sometimes it feels natural, that I know how to enjoy things by myself, and that I lock down the loneliness on a daily basis. I hate how actually vulnerable I am, underneath all of the normal chatting and busy things that I have to do everyday. 
• That was basically what happened when I accidentally chose the wrong person to be my priority. I couldn't stand for one second hearing about his dates with the other whatever girls, and what they're doing everyday. I don't need any of this. If he wants to hang out with me, why bring up the subject that concerns other girls anyways? If you wanna hang out with them, please do that. I love hanging out with you and all, but I'd rather not go out than go out and find out that I'm only here as a second option, the alternative when your priority can't make it. You have a friend who you talk everyday like your girlfriend, you have a crush that you still take out on dates, and then you have me, the one who's willing to pay for the movie tickets, and run up to wherever you are just to see you. I'm just a freak you somehow picked up on the street and stupid enough to actually believe that you might have a slightest feeling for me.
• He's not even worth these many words. But after what seems like another date,, I went back home feeling used and all rotten inside and it's just ridiculous. Moments like this remind me of that quote from "Art of Getting by": "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion". Good thing to know he's not even real.
• Short thoughts before bed. I'm so tired after such a long day I need to go to bed like asap. Hopefully I won't have to write out of depression for a while.

Ice cream cone #97

• So today I've come to the conclusion that I've somehow alienated every person possible around me out of my comfort zone. That sounds 100% like a bad thing, cause for an extrovert, the worst thing is not to have anyone around and you're gonna have to reduce yourself to mundane individual tasks like reading books or watching movie series or going to that English class that you've deliberately avoided for the past few weeks. It's just not a happy one.
• Everybody has these days, I like to think that. Because otherwise I'd just be this weird antisocial kid who obviously has no patience or tolerance towards absolutely anything, and is superbly annoying to be around. And if in that case, it's society that's alienating me, not the other way around. That's why, like it or not, I have to believe that this is just one of those days. The days when you see friends around you have more interesting things to do, and are waving those fun activities on social media, similar to a pervert waving his handicapped dick at your face trying to be aroused, are the days when you either wish you own a nuclear bomb or pretend that you could call a guy and hook up with him while taking slutty photos with your tongue sticking out of your mouth and champagne spilling on your boobs. This is today for me.
• So immediately the first thought that came to my head was not to speak with those people ever again, which by the way is a completely amateur shot, because after all, the burden of an extrovert is that they usually need others more than others need them. So with this way, you just end up feeling more alone than ever while watching others continue to enjoy life and showing it off through hideously filtered photos on Instagram. 
• And then, the second thought came up. Which was, can I join you? You know, if you can't find a proper reason to hate on people, be one of the hated, so that other antisocial kids could have a chance to loathe and envy you at the same time. I have to admit, this is pretty pathetic, because somehow it looks like your life is so boring you have to cling to something else to make it better. Which, sadly, is exactly the case. So, as much as I want to stand up, get dressed, call everyone I've alienated and offer to join their lives, my pride stops me with  a harsh glare and a mumble of "you don't need them anyways".
• I write way more than I should. I can't even find a reason to write stuff down anymore. I always think that in order to write, you should read first, and I'm not that big of a reader. I'd much more enjoy listening to a good piece of classical music, taking photos or even cooking a new recipe. I guess I just like direct contact, I always have, and reading to me doesn't seem like the best way. Yet after such a shameful confession, I still find myself craving to get my fingers tapping on the laptop keyboard, writing such stuff that nobody reads out of mere satisfaction. I'm a person of a lot of guilt, so writing so much without ingesting anything back in my head in return, also feels like a guilt.
• Just babbling about nonsense. Back to reality. I think I'm gonna really go to that English class today to get things over with. I've been putting my mind everywhere else but the places it needs to be put, and it's got to change.
• Short thoughts on a rainy boring hateful day. I'm gonna take the most useless nap in the world. Good day folks.

Ice cream cone #96: that summer soundtrack

• Although I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, I have to say this is the loneliest I've felt in a while. I can't talk to any of my best friends anymore, because each one of them, imho, are letting themselves sink in unnecessarily self-destructive relationships and I can't help but feel like I'm the last sane one with the smallest bomb in my lap that if it explodes, I'm not gonna be injured as much as they are.
• The hardest part is when you say to them no, I don't judge you at all, just talk to me when you feel like it, I'm always ready. And although I do mean every word, watching them going into the forest with traps lied under their feet and seeing them ignore your warnings isn't as easy.
• I don't even care about it that much, must say. Because I'm not that great of a friend, must say again. I have to confess this to myself in case my future self reads this post and thinks 'oh, I used to be so selfless and caring for others'. I just want them to go back to their normal state so that I'll have my friends back. That's how selfish I am, everything that are seemingly good that I do, I do it for the sake of myself, not of anybody else.
• One thing I have to admit that I've learned the hard way this year is how I don't let go of some stuff very easily. Like how Camellia told me she's not gonna talk to me about her relationship because she needs to talk to an "adult" to feel secure. At that time I just thought it was my pride being hurt, and I usually don't remember it for very long, usually just for a day or so. But it's been 3 days, and I'm honestly drained from any intention of talking to her. What are we even gonna talk about anyways? Are we gonna keep talking about my beneficial relationship, which I don't even have that much problems anymore, or are we just gonna keep up normal conversations about what's going on in the world. She's not gonna even listen. She's too busy freaking out about her relationship, but doesn't wanna talk to me about it.
• I get it that the simple rules that people have lined up for a relationship needs a lot of time and experience to be followed. It took me two years of lying to myself to be convinced that not everyone who kisses you are the one, and don't persuade yourself to believe that people change. It took me meanwhile another year to realize when you fall in love, it's supposed to be fun, and when there's no fun anymore, then it's time to stop. Until recently I've learned that you don't rely on just one person's actions to decide whether today's a good day for you or not. It's difficult for the first-lovers cause they usually give it their all and expect to be given just the same. I'm 99% an optimist about life, but the 1% left of me is wholly dedicated to relationships. I see the dark side in e-ve-ry relationship and I see, or wish to see how they eventually end. Distant relationships, like it's even gonna work. I can't even read all of those lover's stories on tumblr or watch rom-com anymore because to me they're all portraying lies. That's why it's so hard for me to see Camellia biting herself bleeding in this unstable relationship while deciding that I'm not reliable to talk about it.

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• As much as Camellia wants to think a lot and sinks herself in her thoughts all day, I don't wanna be that. I hate myself for thinking wayyyyy too much about such stupid things. I don't wanna think about how I'm somehow holding responsibility in her relationship, and as much as I want it to turn out a train wreck, I can't cause then I'd feel guilty. I hate myself for figuring out why I'm so fed up with the majority of the people like I am at the moment, because then I wouldn't be able to expect anything from anyone anymore. I hate how easily I can spot out the lies in romantic movies, how I notice every change in the way he talks to me, how every time we talk, the enthusiasm drops down a notch. 
• I just wanna lie around being completely useless but not having to think about anyone in particular. Because after all, it's written on my face that I think too much, and that I'm not even attractive, in terms of personality because I'd overanalyze anything anyone does, and then figure out a reason to get bored of them.
• In hindsight, I'm just a terrible replica of a thoughtful and lively person. Why am I always filled with truths and bored consumptions??
• I've been listening to that song "Leave your lover" an awful lot lately. Not the most appropriate song to listen to at the moment, but the melody really speaks to me. I guess it's just another feature of someone who's addicted to sex and lust, I don't like to read the lyrics. I don't want to get to know what the song is about or to whom the artist sings. Every once in a while, I deliberately don't want to sing along to the song, I just like the melody to flow in my head and wake up every emotion possible. But no joke, this Sam Smith kid makes really good music.
• And in a nick of time I realized I've found myself the soundtrack for this summer. Now when I eventually grow out of being so nonsense, and every time I hear a song from this album, every piece of anger, lust and passion will wake up and fill my head. I fear for when that moment comes.
• Such a long post out of a random decision. Should stop here before my babbling gets boring. Have a good one guys.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #95: expecting the rain

• So, for the past 2 days, I was feeling like shit. Lots of news hit me almost at once and I didn't have enough time a space and the right person to adjust to. 
• Good thing is that after a terrible half-morning I just had, I'm kind of more calm now that I've basically established the fallback plan for myself, not exactly the ideal plan that I was hoping, but still, it's new and will release some of the unnecessary energy in my body, which is always a good thing.
• I'm feeling very positive at the moment, surprisingly actually, since I just had a shit night last night kind of rolling around crying about how stupid I am in emotional stuff, and woke up this morning, still feeling a bit like shit.
• The times when you're down, I swear, feels like the longest time on earth. Reminds me of last summer, when I was constantly feeling like shit over so many small things and couldn't find a way to get myself out of it. I guess last summer I didn't even know how to deal with so many negative feelings that I let myself sink in. Such a terrible time. I was not one bit proud of how I was, that's why when last night happened, the only thing I feared was that, is this going to last all summer? I've got one mere week before summer school starts, and believe it or not, the free time that I've had feels enough. Although the idea of going back to school sitting with a bunch of college friends and faking that my summer went great isn't so ideal, it's still better than sitting at home and getting bored to the point where you're paranoid about every single relationship that you have.
• I signed up for gym (again) today. It was so enough when the fourth guy told me that I've gained weight. Thanks for the friendly reminder guys -_-. Isn't it weird how getting into a serious weight-loss program hasn't been something that I've accomplished doing for the past two years, so weight gain wasn't anything surprising. But not anymore. Of course the main reason that I was so determined to do this is to get my head out of bullshit, but still it's one hell of a plan.
• I've been listening to a lot of Sam Smith at the moment. Although it was suggested by him, who's the last person that I'm supposed to take suggestions right now, but music is never a sin, and his album is one of the really good ones that I've listened to in a while, and I'm really really in need of some good summer music. It feels like discovering Daniel Merriweather all over again.
• I'm fearful of the day when I'm gonna get bored of this album, because I've been putting it on repeat for the past week, like, everyday every time. Ughh gonna have to go for another hunt for good music, not happy -_-.
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• Sitting at the perfect view in Pacey expecting the rain that doesn't seem to arrive any time soon -_-. Why rain? Are you just gonna wait until I step out on the street to pour down? Today is one of the very rare days that I'm actually expecting the rain instead of cursing at karma and moaning over my wet boots, and there's this chance that there's not gonna be any raining.
• WHY HASN'T IT RAINED?? It's almost 2pm already! I have a perfect view to observe the world when it rains, and it's windy already, I can see the leaves falling and the trees shaking, so pleeeease rain!
• I'm gonna cut to a short blog this time, since the past few were unnecessarily long, gonna get back to work, which was the original intention when I sat here. Have a great week folks!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #94: a post that goes from june to july

• Guess what, in the midst of a pile of work to do, I chose to write a blog post instead.
• How is it possible that I'm in the demotivated mood again? I can't find reason to do anything anymore, and usually there's a guy involved when I'm like this.
• Although last time there wasn't a guy involved, it's not even true.
• Yes it's about him again. I feel like there's a limitation somewhere hanging in the air about how many interesting things are allowed to happen in my life, and somehow there are days when I'm just so bored and tired like this. I've been reading too many independent and successful blogs written by females to even allow myself to waste time like this. But honestly, my problem is that I can't seem to get myself in a standing position and get all of those things over with. Ughhhhhh the never-ending problem.
• Just wanted to talk about yesterday. Although I've pretty much worked out everything in my head, I still needed a somewhat statement from him, just to be sure, and he's just too much of a kid to even tell me from the start. I was quite astonished at how I wasn't too shocked when he confirmed that there was nothing serious between us. I know that sounds contradictory because I've had a whole year to wrap my head around this, but when the thought of seeing him again started to linger in my head it wasn't even a fully formed thought that could actually come true. But now, after all of the things that I acknowledged and have been through, I don't think the me of last year could handle this. Last year I had no definition of a friend with benefits in mind. I thought of it, but never really knew what it was. There were two choices that I could come up with: one, he must have liked me, that was why he asked me out in the first place, and two, he wasn't interested, which he would be categorized as just the same like 99% of the other guys I've met. But this year, primarily because of the breakup and how everyday I find out more about how emotionally damaged I am, I don't even dare to look for a serious relationship anymore.
• Every relationship, even friendship, starts out like this. It's so much fun and full of sunshine and laughing dates, and then kisses that linger for days. But then it takes its turn and the person who used to bring you all of that joy turned out uglier everyday, and one day you realize that your feelings towards that person doesn't work magic anymore. And that's when you enter the state of having to endure all of the ugliness and heavy feelings but can't break yourself out because then who would even wanna commit to you anymore. And then, if you're just inexperienced in being in a relationship like me, months after the breakup, you're gonna hear stories about how he cheated on you since day one, and how he stooped to a new low and tried to sabotage your social life (which fyi didn't fucking work). And you just realize just the same person you used to invest in so many feelings, now you can't even think of one good thing about, and you spend days trying to convince myself that all of those days of smiles are just a bunch of lies.
• Yesterday he told me that he had feelings for me too, but after this summer we might not have the chance to see each other again, so he wouldn't dare to pop the question. I guess the positive side of my mind just wants me to think that well at least he has feelings for you, not like he just uses you out of physical reasons, which don't seem to appear much apparently. It's a happy thought, you like him, and he likes you too, you both aren't looking for a serious relationship, so let's not think too much about this and just enjoy how much time is left before you fucking never see him again and go off on the last year of your university life and have to worry about bigger things in life. But then I remembered, that was the line that the person said to another affair girl when he was supposedly dating me. So as much as I want to believe it's true, I can't do that completely without my sensibility screaming this is just another trick being played on me, and I shouldn't believe it lest I want to receive another pile of lies.
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• I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to finish this post because I've been writing and writing and then suddenly running out of interest to write and then wanting to write again. I'm like a fucking light switch ughhhh where are my life motivationsss??
• I'm thinking about cancelling my trip to Singapore. As much as my feet love to bounce to places, I really don't think another trip with Cam is gonna be a good idea. It's always a good idea to keep a certain distance to everyone, even your close friends and family, for the sake of the relationship really. Because by the second time we traveled and third time hung out, I was quite fed up and felt myself not being able to let the small things go. Never a good sign. I really don't want to get cranky about such small things and leave the both of us overthinking about it, and for some reason I've been getting cranky much more than usual in the past few days.
• Sooooooo the question is what am I gonna do for the next two weeks before summer school starts. Certainly not hanging out with him so constantly again because apparently he only counts me as a plan B, and I knowww that it happens, but this time it's way too clear that I'm only called for when his plans don't work out. 
• See? It's only movies dates and problems start to show up already. I usually don't like dates to be planned, because it means that I'll have a certain amount of time to prepare myself for it, and there's always a high chance that that person will cancel it in the last minute and leave me with the unused preparations. Camellia loves to say things like, why don't you just stop thinking about it then? Like it's even possible. She would've done the same thing, if not even more, in the same situation, she's not even that sensible of a person to begin with. That's why I love spontaneous dates, because then you don't even have time to think, and the other person will most certainly be there.
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• Again, when am I gonna be able to finish this??
• It's been what, a week since I started this post? New record already, put that in the book. 
• So, the physical finally showed up. I'm not gonna go details about it cause I know there's lots of spies reading this blog, and although I changed my blog link and all, better safe than sorry, right?
• I guess you'll never love and take yourself seriously until you have a friend with benefits. And I dropped 4 pounds for no reason at all, which makes it even better.
• I know this is too abrupt for a post that is worth a week-ful of information, but I'm hungry, it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast just yet. So, stay happy folks, I'm getting something to eat.