Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
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• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Ice cream cone #92: rainy summer days

• Because it is like that in this city, summer begins when it starts to rain. I guess it's a good thing since the normal temperature is way too unbearable. On days like today, when there's obviously no sign that a raindrop is to be shed, people simply can't be romantic. I think I wrote about this before, but the happiness of humans in Saigon at this time of the year is reduced to finding a shade to park under when the traffic light turns red, and maybe finding a place with air-conditioning with drinks that don't cost them too much money.
• So on rainy days, when the heat's toned down a beat and the winds are cold, the Saigonese (as I like to call them) try to be as romantic as they can be.
• I like Au Parc. I like it even more when it rains. I looked it up on Google Translate, "au parc" means "at the park" in English. And it does feel like that. The café always has this dark and chilled vibe to it, with a really big window outlooking the park. There's always good music, and I mean really good, with jazz and soul and maybe some contemporary tracks that make people just wanna lay back and enjoy. I guess it happens to other people as well, to have a place that they like for just really small reasons. On rainy days, the guests in Au Parc would just stare at the glazed window and talk about their friends and what good places to eat. They're mostly foreigners, maybe a bit lost, or adventurous in such a chaotic and different city like Saigon, watching the rare rain in the middle of summer and maybe enjoying the music. I like watching people in general, maybe that's why I'm so fascinated with Andy Warhol, but the kind of people who stop at Au Parc always bring with them a story. I like to watch them secretly, follow their stories like a little stalker, and imagine what their lives would be like. I like to do that, not just with people, but with houses as well. I guess the imagination in my head is always hungry for materials, and the talks of the people in Au Parc are just spicy enough.
• It's true, from what I've observed, it's not easy to fall in love with this city. How can you grow feelings at all when you're always worried that your phone's gonna be stolen, that the streets are gonna be jammed, when for at least 20 minutes a day you have to breath in exhaust gas and when there's absolutely no pavement to walk? But you have to learn how to do that I guess, in order to make your life easier. Each day when you get home, feel your pocket and realize that your phone's still there, you're a winning warrior. Each day when you get out of the traffic jam, get home and reward yourself with a foot scrub, you feel like it will get better. At least that's what I do on a bad day, when the city gets difficult.
• I always have this intention in my head that before I go away, I'll spend an entire day doing memorable things with the city. Maybe making a random video, or taking some polaroid photos, or scratching my name on a tree in the park, just to have something to look back on.
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• Soooo, another eventful week. I wrote this post about a week ago I think, and a day passed by and I found myself craving to get in here to recite the things that have happened. But I'm glad I didn't do that, because as days went by, I was able to arrange my thoughts and write down things that don't only serve the purpose of getting the anger out.
• So this is the first step huh? I guess everybody carries a check list by their side, and when stuff happens, they tick on another box on the list of how to be a grown up. I can see why people want to go back to their childhood so badly as growing up does suck, but I'm trying to look on the bright side here.
• And the bright side is that, the more you grow up, the more you can have fun being yourself without being constantly told about how to do things right. That was probably one of the biggest things that I enjoy in my growing up process. I don't know about others, most of my friends are thrilled with this idea, but I know some people aren't very much. Growing up also means you get to be independent of your family. In my case, the more I'm independent, the more I appreciate the value of family. It doesn't even mean that you care less, it just means that you do the work in the family voluntarily. You do it because you care, not because it's something your mom tells you to do. 
• This post is gonna be long and wordy, so no need to read til the end. I'm just gonna babble about random stuff from this point on. It's International Children's Day today.
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• Rain season = shoes damage season. I'm in the hunt for a pair of jelly shoes that will be my savior when the rain decides to pay a visit. I think my Converse were really mad at me today, because they were soaking wet and are now super super dirty. But my problem with finding the right pair of shoes is that, I have elephant-sized feet, comparing to the average population in this country. Therefore, shoes shopping is a more than painful task as it only embraces how much I resemble a troll. Hopefully I'll finally find a pair of satisfying shoes before the rain season's over and all of my boots and sneakers and flats are completely damaged.
• It's been raining even more now, almost everyday this week. It's a good sign, since it's still sunny (a little bit too sunny if you know what I mean) in the morning, gets really pleasant at noon as the sky becomes cloudy and the temperature drops significantly, and then here comes the big ass rain that only lasts for an hour or so, depends on where you live. After the rain, everything becomes nicer. I'm trying to form a habit of taking a walk every evening before work, as it helps with the digestion of dinner and gives me more energy, therefore the rain helps with cleaning up the streets and cooling down the temperature. After about half an hour of walking yesterday I felt so good that I thought to myself "I have to make a habit out of this!". When you don't get wet, rain is everything that a person could dream of in this city.
• As my stomach has given me the final warning, and as for today I am no longer a third year student and have officially entered the summer vacation, I'm gonna set up a healthy lifestyle. I guess during the year I always convince myself that I didn't have time for anything, so I allowed myself to be a slacker when it comes to working. Last summer I thought, when I have the time, I'll devote myself to work completely, but it happened otherwise, which was that I spent too much time going out and doing whatever it was that I can't even remember, and neglected my work just as much as I did throughout the school year. That's why I'm a little bit scared that this summer's gonna be the same, unless I motivate myself from the start, that things have to be different. I have a few ideas to elaborate, hopefully I'll be able to do them all alongside with the travelling and going out with friends.
• Again, so so sorry for the length of this one, I just simply have a lot to say. The content of this post is the sum of around three normal posts, had I published them normally. I think the main reason is because tumblr has been really short on beautiful photos lately that I wasn't able to find any that were suitable for my mood. But as I'm feeling very motivated today, I'm gonna publish this long ass post no matter what haha. Please bear with me.
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• I have so so so much to write down, but I guess I'll take some time to form it more properly in my head and save it as material for another post. 

Ice cream cone #91

• It's funny how every time I run into something that I need to blog about, I think about it too much, to the point where I forget where I began. That's why when I try to write on days like that, I usually don't even know where to start.
• I'm really scared thinking about the future, about the things that are going to knock me down. There are days when that motto "the best days of your life haven't happened yet" doesn't have the strength to hold me up anymore. These couple of days definitely haven't been that best days that I was expecting last week. 
• Honestly I was astonished at how heavily the news did its impact on me. I just simply thought, oh well, it's over by now, I can pride myself on saying that emotionally, I've been well. But I guess sooner or later, I'll find out about the bottom of this. Contrary to what lots of people want me to do, which is to sit down and confront that person to confirm if it's all true, the more I hear about it, the more I want to keep myself away, the farther the possible to that character. I don't want to have anything at all to do with it anymore, I just wanna keep all of the toxic people out of my life. 
• It's hard though, to say the least, thinking back about all those time and then convince myself that it's all just a lie terribly told in exchange for some cheap opportunity that don't even mean anything by now. When I said about how someone should paint one of the milestones red in my relationship so that I could be alarmed about how rotten it was, they should paint it on the first milestone. It's a fucked up relationship in the first place. 
• I'm in no position to think any good about this person. I feel like everything, including the gifts, the text messages, the phone calls, the sorry notes, anything that makes me sick to the guts to name are just a bunch of stinking dog shit that was thrown at me. I had every intention to burn all of the gifts first thing when I got home, but then I thought, shoes are not guilty, and some homeless girl out there could have them, not knowing that they were bought by a shit-faced character as bribing gift. I have this vision if I sit down and ask if all of this were true, every word that I'd receive would be another pile of lies. I have to thank it though. Thank you for making me realize how actually terrible a person can be, and how after so many devious attempts to take advantage of others, they're still a ginormous loser. 
• I'm gonna get through this, in one way or another. Maybe after some watches of Perks of being a Wallflower and some pieces of makeups. I'm gonna be okay at last, but I guess some nights you don't go to sleep with happy thoughts :)

Ice cream cone #90: a weird day

• When I started out this yogurt cup/ice cream cone thing I thought numbering the posts would be a good idea, as I can keep track of where my thoughts flow and how they gradually change as the numbers go bigger. And that was pretty much how it works. I think the yogurt cups are the most accurate scale of how I became such a person, as I don't write them that often, cause I always feel like being at a loss for what to say each time I do two of them in a short time.
• I always had this notion in my head is that, what would I react if I saw myself in the future. Would I hate my future self for being too old and unnecessarily mature, or would I find myself such a badass? 5 years from now I might not have time to write blog anymore (although I sincerely hope that I will), have a job, have a closetful of working clothes and a counter full of makeups. I might start to worry about premature wrinkles, or how much sugar my boyfriend (presumably that I'd have a boyfriend by then) consumes everyday and such and such. I might just be anybody but myself at that moment. Normally I'd find that thought exciting as I love changes, and I'm trying very hard to be positive about the future, but right now the thought scares me, I'm going to turn into someone I don't even know.
• Reading back the yogurt cups I just realized how immature I was back then, with all of the things that happened in my relationship and last summer and my 19th birthday. You simply can't write the same after such stuff. That also makes me wonder what will happen next, and how drastic will my writing change because of these ongoing things. 
• This post is by far full of confusion haha. 
• I'm lining up some ideas for the photo-blog so that I won't get brainwashed during sleep and forget everything tomorrow: repost unpublished Hanoi photos, repost unpublished Flower Street photos and post the new rooftop shoot. Three upcoming posts so far, hmmm soooo exciting!
• Another idea is that I'll take photos of all of my favorite things in summer and put them in a post. Like, sweets, places, smells, colors, music and stuff. I'm starting to feel like the photo-blog is leaning on the personal side again and I'm doing it for my own pleasure. Oh well, if that's the case then I guess I just had another source of inspiration.
• So, briefly about today, I ran into 2,5 at the Cakes & Ale bakery, while I was sitting with Camellia talking about how she saw her crush going to the movies with (yet) another girl looking all intimate and stuff. I was talking too, about how I'm preparing myself mentally for that summer breakdown that I know somehow I will have. 
• I should've realized how fucked up this relationship with him a long time ago, probably from last summer, and should've had the strength to break it off and save myself that lot of time. Now thinking back at all of the milestones of the relationship, they would've painted a milestone red about 10 or 12 miles before the end, but I guess I was scared, and weak, and didn't know myself that well back then to realize the warning. But well, you learn something new everyday.
• As much as I hate to admit it, because it makes me sound like a terrible friend, I don't like being upset for too  long. People who think too much, are subjective and have a tendency towards literature often enjoy the trauma, according to my observance. It serves as an inspiration to them, just the same as my tragic little stories give me material to write a long blog post every now and always. But in all honesty, although they probably don't feel like it, I don't like to emotionally torture myself that way. But the reason why I always wind up being in the same situation as them is because: I get bored too easily. When life is peaceful again and all of my friends are nice and I'm enjoying this single life, I get bored, that's why I have to go on and find myself a drama. And what drama could be faster and more explosive than a guy? So in summary, I literally scatter my emotions and actions around just for the mere reason of boredom, and hell do the karma come back.
• I just really hope this new Lana Del Rey record is good enough to get me through 3 months of summer.

Another good one. People read Chicken Soup, I read this.

"
You are stronger than you realize.
You are more cruel than you realize.
The smallest words will break your heart.
You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
Never stop yourself from texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9:30 a.m., tell them again.
Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
You will be scared of all kinds of things— of spiders and clowns and eating alone— but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes, someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners, but still fill a bed.
Always be friends with broken people. They know how to survive.
You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
You will be okay.
You will be okay.
"

Ice cream cone #89: another eventful weekend

• So basically in the last post I just summed up a few events that was happening to me then. Now I'm gonna sum up what's been happening to me in a more recent timeline.
• Remember that guy that I was flirting with? Well, he made his pick, and decided to go after a girl who was unbelievable, in terms of character, appearance and morality. Lol way to go. I backed out the very moment I heard he was going after some other girl, not needing to know who it was. If there's one lesson I've learned after my 2 and a half year relationship, it is going to be, never let your emotions get the best of you. After I heard who he was after, I was like, screw him, I'm waaaaaay better than that. Bitch mode: on.
• Right in the days when I'm, nevertheless, still a bit gutted about the above news, that summer fling kid decided that it was a good time to check on me on facebook. You have to understand the situation is that, after the breakup I changed a lot, in terms of thinking with more sense, protecting my feelings from guys and indulging myself. So when I approach the guy in university, and probably when I approached a few guys before him, I was in a safe position where I could see everything clearly, and could back out whenever I felt like it wasn't fun anymore (which is now, how impeccable). That made me think, oh gooooood, I'm evolving, I'm partially immune from guys now, it's a good sign.
• And then he started talking to me, saying that he'll be back this June and wants to hang out and shit. And clear as crystal do I know what will actually happen in those hangout dates. But the problem is, I knew him when my mind wasn't immune, so all of the protections that I have on right now kind of doesn't work on this guy.
• I've been trying to think of terrible sad things that I will have to endure if I let this go too far, so that I won't get too excited and lose control and do shit that I'll regret the entire summer. One emotionally damaged summer is so enough. He knows how to get me though, being all caring and soft, and to be honest, in my darkest moments this year, when I felt more alone than ever, my mind still wandered around the thought whether he would come back at all, and if he did, would he call me up again, cause I thought it was something like a sign that confirmed that he really liked me or something. And then it did happen, and I felt more like shit than ever now that I have to recall all of the shitty feelings that I had to deal with last time when he was gone. So if I can hope for anything right now, I'll only hope for strength, and clarity in vision, so that I won't stupidly hurt myself again and buy 3123 pieces of makeup in hopes of healing.
• So yeah, my summer has started its own routine without me being able to control it. Wish me luck on this hailstorm full of weirdos guys, I'm gonna need it.
• Another thing, head over to my photography blog to observe my trip to escape the heat of the city through a bunch of tacky photos. Thanks so muchhhhh *hearts fly*

Photo source: Tumblr

Ice cream cone #88: the eventful weekend

• I got sick this weekend, that was the main event. I have to be straight from the start because I'm afraid as I go into details about how many rolls of toilet paper I've used and how I was literally dead sleepy the other night after drinking that cold pill some of you who have high expectations and think that I actually did something eventful might get disappointed.
• But really, as I was fucking tired all weekend, and this Monday was also Camellia's 21st birthday, I overcame my sickness and intervened myself in a bunch of useless activities and found out about some things about my grade that I wasn't supposed to know anyways.
• So basically I stopped caring about whether I got the scholarship for about a year now, because last year I wasn't very successful with the Vietnamese subjects, which I believe none of the students were content with either, so I assumed why care. But this year I only have German, and I didn't do so much of a bad job at the tests so I thought, let's just break the rule and check out the required grade to get a scholarship. My grade this year is 8,00, and guess how much the required grade is? 8,03. Beautiful isn't it. Should never have looked it up.
• So basically when you're sick, you get bored, annoyed and angry at basically anything. I got mad at my mom (for the 1000th time) the other day, but thanks to the cold/sleeping pills I had to go to bed early and nothing happened the morning after. In my defence, I don't think anyone behaves well when they're sick, we're allowed to have a day or two when we get fucking mad for no reason at all.
• A couple of things happened today that made me rethink, was it my fault, again. Not mentioning the subject, because it's just worthless information, just the mere things that I did, were they wrong? But then as I was sitting on the bus home today next to a guy who secretly fought me over the piece of drape, I thought, even if it's my fault, would it even be right if I just run after trying to fix it? You've always wanted to be that kid who doesn't give a fuck about anything, and who can leave the fuck giving to everybody else, this is the perfect time.
• The homework is getting more and more, and it's not even fun anymore. 
• I don't even have the need to write down my flirting process with this guy in my class, only now because I feel like the post has happened too quickly and I need to expand by adding more information do I remember that there's a him. Ugh nothing special, very very boring even. I don't have the ability to do something so magical like making a guy like me, or being cute a girly and stuff. Like, I'm the antonym of cute and girly. I wear men's shirts for God's sake. So, whatever, I know it's baddddd and against so many of my moral rules when you're not serious about anything and just doing things out of interest and not out of thorough thoughts, but considering that he doesn't care anyways and I'm trying to find some inspirations back into my university life, I'm gonna keep doing it until it gets too obvious and weird I'm just gonna flash and laugh and leave.
• Jk about the flashing, but I'm gonna do something crazy then leave. Cause he graduates in like a month haha way to choose a target Jennifer.
• So here are photos that resemble summer because I don't know why. Summer feels so nearrrrr already.