Ice cream cone #97

• So today I've come to the conclusion that I've somehow alienated every person possible around me out of my comfort zone. That sounds 100% like a bad thing, cause for an extrovert, the worst thing is not to have anyone around and you're gonna have to reduce yourself to mundane individual tasks like reading books or watching movie series or going to that English class that you've deliberately avoided for the past few weeks. It's just not a happy one.
• Everybody has these days, I like to think that. Because otherwise I'd just be this weird antisocial kid who obviously has no patience or tolerance towards absolutely anything, and is superbly annoying to be around. And if in that case, it's society that's alienating me, not the other way around. That's why, like it or not, I have to believe that this is just one of those days. The days when you see friends around you have more interesting things to do, and are waving those fun activities on social media, similar to a pervert waving his handicapped dick at your face trying to be aroused, are the days when you either wish you own a nuclear bomb or pretend that you could call a guy and hook up with him while taking slutty photos with your tongue sticking out of your mouth and champagne spilling on your boobs. This is today for me.
• So immediately the first thought that came to my head was not to speak with those people ever again, which by the way is a completely amateur shot, because after all, the burden of an extrovert is that they usually need others more than others need them. So with this way, you just end up feeling more alone than ever while watching others continue to enjoy life and showing it off through hideously filtered photos on Instagram. 
• And then, the second thought came up. Which was, can I join you? You know, if you can't find a proper reason to hate on people, be one of the hated, so that other antisocial kids could have a chance to loathe and envy you at the same time. I have to admit, this is pretty pathetic, because somehow it looks like your life is so boring you have to cling to something else to make it better. Which, sadly, is exactly the case. So, as much as I want to stand up, get dressed, call everyone I've alienated and offer to join their lives, my pride stops me with  a harsh glare and a mumble of "you don't need them anyways".
• I write way more than I should. I can't even find a reason to write stuff down anymore. I always think that in order to write, you should read first, and I'm not that big of a reader. I'd much more enjoy listening to a good piece of classical music, taking photos or even cooking a new recipe. I guess I just like direct contact, I always have, and reading to me doesn't seem like the best way. Yet after such a shameful confession, I still find myself craving to get my fingers tapping on the laptop keyboard, writing such stuff that nobody reads out of mere satisfaction. I'm a person of a lot of guilt, so writing so much without ingesting anything back in my head in return, also feels like a guilt.
• Just babbling about nonsense. Back to reality. I think I'm gonna really go to that English class today to get things over with. I've been putting my mind everywhere else but the places it needs to be put, and it's got to change.
• Short thoughts on a rainy boring hateful day. I'm gonna take the most useless nap in the world. Good day folks.

Ice cream cone #96: that summer soundtrack

• Although I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, I have to say this is the loneliest I've felt in a while. I can't talk to any of my best friends anymore, because each one of them, imho, are letting themselves sink in unnecessarily self-destructive relationships and I can't help but feel like I'm the last sane one with the smallest bomb in my lap that if it explodes, I'm not gonna be injured as much as they are.
• The hardest part is when you say to them no, I don't judge you at all, just talk to me when you feel like it, I'm always ready. And although I do mean every word, watching them going into the forest with traps lied under their feet and seeing them ignore your warnings isn't as easy.
• I don't even care about it that much, must say. Because I'm not that great of a friend, must say again. I have to confess this to myself in case my future self reads this post and thinks 'oh, I used to be so selfless and caring for others'. I just want them to go back to their normal state so that I'll have my friends back. That's how selfish I am, everything that are seemingly good that I do, I do it for the sake of myself, not of anybody else.
• One thing I have to admit that I've learned the hard way this year is how I don't let go of some stuff very easily. Like how Camellia told me she's not gonna talk to me about her relationship because she needs to talk to an "adult" to feel secure. At that time I just thought it was my pride being hurt, and I usually don't remember it for very long, usually just for a day or so. But it's been 3 days, and I'm honestly drained from any intention of talking to her. What are we even gonna talk about anyways? Are we gonna keep talking about my beneficial relationship, which I don't even have that much problems anymore, or are we just gonna keep up normal conversations about what's going on in the world. She's not gonna even listen. She's too busy freaking out about her relationship, but doesn't wanna talk to me about it.
• I get it that the simple rules that people have lined up for a relationship needs a lot of time and experience to be followed. It took me two years of lying to myself to be convinced that not everyone who kisses you are the one, and don't persuade yourself to believe that people change. It took me meanwhile another year to realize when you fall in love, it's supposed to be fun, and when there's no fun anymore, then it's time to stop. Until recently I've learned that you don't rely on just one person's actions to decide whether today's a good day for you or not. It's difficult for the first-lovers cause they usually give it their all and expect to be given just the same. I'm 99% an optimist about life, but the 1% left of me is wholly dedicated to relationships. I see the dark side in e-ve-ry relationship and I see, or wish to see how they eventually end. Distant relationships, like it's even gonna work. I can't even read all of those lover's stories on tumblr or watch rom-com anymore because to me they're all portraying lies. That's why it's so hard for me to see Camellia biting herself bleeding in this unstable relationship while deciding that I'm not reliable to talk about it.

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• As much as Camellia wants to think a lot and sinks herself in her thoughts all day, I don't wanna be that. I hate myself for thinking wayyyyy too much about such stupid things. I don't wanna think about how I'm somehow holding responsibility in her relationship, and as much as I want it to turn out a train wreck, I can't cause then I'd feel guilty. I hate myself for figuring out why I'm so fed up with the majority of the people like I am at the moment, because then I wouldn't be able to expect anything from anyone anymore. I hate how easily I can spot out the lies in romantic movies, how I notice every change in the way he talks to me, how every time we talk, the enthusiasm drops down a notch. 
• I just wanna lie around being completely useless but not having to think about anyone in particular. Because after all, it's written on my face that I think too much, and that I'm not even attractive, in terms of personality because I'd overanalyze anything anyone does, and then figure out a reason to get bored of them.
• In hindsight, I'm just a terrible replica of a thoughtful and lively person. Why am I always filled with truths and bored consumptions??
• I've been listening to that song "Leave your lover" an awful lot lately. Not the most appropriate song to listen to at the moment, but the melody really speaks to me. I guess it's just another feature of someone who's addicted to sex and lust, I don't like to read the lyrics. I don't want to get to know what the song is about or to whom the artist sings. Every once in a while, I deliberately don't want to sing along to the song, I just like the melody to flow in my head and wake up every emotion possible. But no joke, this Sam Smith kid makes really good music.
• And in a nick of time I realized I've found myself the soundtrack for this summer. Now when I eventually grow out of being so nonsense, and every time I hear a song from this album, every piece of anger, lust and passion will wake up and fill my head. I fear for when that moment comes.
• Such a long post out of a random decision. Should stop here before my babbling gets boring. Have a good one guys.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #95: expecting the rain

• So, for the past 2 days, I was feeling like shit. Lots of news hit me almost at once and I didn't have enough time a space and the right person to adjust to. 
• Good thing is that after a terrible half-morning I just had, I'm kind of more calm now that I've basically established the fallback plan for myself, not exactly the ideal plan that I was hoping, but still, it's new and will release some of the unnecessary energy in my body, which is always a good thing.
• I'm feeling very positive at the moment, surprisingly actually, since I just had a shit night last night kind of rolling around crying about how stupid I am in emotional stuff, and woke up this morning, still feeling a bit like shit.
• The times when you're down, I swear, feels like the longest time on earth. Reminds me of last summer, when I was constantly feeling like shit over so many small things and couldn't find a way to get myself out of it. I guess last summer I didn't even know how to deal with so many negative feelings that I let myself sink in. Such a terrible time. I was not one bit proud of how I was, that's why when last night happened, the only thing I feared was that, is this going to last all summer? I've got one mere week before summer school starts, and believe it or not, the free time that I've had feels enough. Although the idea of going back to school sitting with a bunch of college friends and faking that my summer went great isn't so ideal, it's still better than sitting at home and getting bored to the point where you're paranoid about every single relationship that you have.
• I signed up for gym (again) today. It was so enough when the fourth guy told me that I've gained weight. Thanks for the friendly reminder guys -_-. Isn't it weird how getting into a serious weight-loss program hasn't been something that I've accomplished doing for the past two years, so weight gain wasn't anything surprising. But not anymore. Of course the main reason that I was so determined to do this is to get my head out of bullshit, but still it's one hell of a plan.
• I've been listening to a lot of Sam Smith at the moment. Although it was suggested by him, who's the last person that I'm supposed to take suggestions right now, but music is never a sin, and his album is one of the really good ones that I've listened to in a while, and I'm really really in need of some good summer music. It feels like discovering Daniel Merriweather all over again.
• I'm fearful of the day when I'm gonna get bored of this album, because I've been putting it on repeat for the past week, like, everyday every time. Ughh gonna have to go for another hunt for good music, not happy -_-.
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• Sitting at the perfect view in Pacey expecting the rain that doesn't seem to arrive any time soon -_-. Why rain? Are you just gonna wait until I step out on the street to pour down? Today is one of the very rare days that I'm actually expecting the rain instead of cursing at karma and moaning over my wet boots, and there's this chance that there's not gonna be any raining.
• WHY HASN'T IT RAINED?? It's almost 2pm already! I have a perfect view to observe the world when it rains, and it's windy already, I can see the leaves falling and the trees shaking, so pleeeease rain!
• I'm gonna cut to a short blog this time, since the past few were unnecessarily long, gonna get back to work, which was the original intention when I sat here. Have a great week folks!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #94: a post that goes from june to july

• Guess what, in the midst of a pile of work to do, I chose to write a blog post instead.
• How is it possible that I'm in the demotivated mood again? I can't find reason to do anything anymore, and usually there's a guy involved when I'm like this.
• Although last time there wasn't a guy involved, it's not even true.
• Yes it's about him again. I feel like there's a limitation somewhere hanging in the air about how many interesting things are allowed to happen in my life, and somehow there are days when I'm just so bored and tired like this. I've been reading too many independent and successful blogs written by females to even allow myself to waste time like this. But honestly, my problem is that I can't seem to get myself in a standing position and get all of those things over with. Ughhhhhh the never-ending problem.
• Just wanted to talk about yesterday. Although I've pretty much worked out everything in my head, I still needed a somewhat statement from him, just to be sure, and he's just too much of a kid to even tell me from the start. I was quite astonished at how I wasn't too shocked when he confirmed that there was nothing serious between us. I know that sounds contradictory because I've had a whole year to wrap my head around this, but when the thought of seeing him again started to linger in my head it wasn't even a fully formed thought that could actually come true. But now, after all of the things that I acknowledged and have been through, I don't think the me of last year could handle this. Last year I had no definition of a friend with benefits in mind. I thought of it, but never really knew what it was. There were two choices that I could come up with: one, he must have liked me, that was why he asked me out in the first place, and two, he wasn't interested, which he would be categorized as just the same like 99% of the other guys I've met. But this year, primarily because of the breakup and how everyday I find out more about how emotionally damaged I am, I don't even dare to look for a serious relationship anymore.
• Every relationship, even friendship, starts out like this. It's so much fun and full of sunshine and laughing dates, and then kisses that linger for days. But then it takes its turn and the person who used to bring you all of that joy turned out uglier everyday, and one day you realize that your feelings towards that person doesn't work magic anymore. And that's when you enter the state of having to endure all of the ugliness and heavy feelings but can't break yourself out because then who would even wanna commit to you anymore. And then, if you're just inexperienced in being in a relationship like me, months after the breakup, you're gonna hear stories about how he cheated on you since day one, and how he stooped to a new low and tried to sabotage your social life (which fyi didn't fucking work). And you just realize just the same person you used to invest in so many feelings, now you can't even think of one good thing about, and you spend days trying to convince myself that all of those days of smiles are just a bunch of lies.
• Yesterday he told me that he had feelings for me too, but after this summer we might not have the chance to see each other again, so he wouldn't dare to pop the question. I guess the positive side of my mind just wants me to think that well at least he has feelings for you, not like he just uses you out of physical reasons, which don't seem to appear much apparently. It's a happy thought, you like him, and he likes you too, you both aren't looking for a serious relationship, so let's not think too much about this and just enjoy how much time is left before you fucking never see him again and go off on the last year of your university life and have to worry about bigger things in life. But then I remembered, that was the line that the person said to another affair girl when he was supposedly dating me. So as much as I want to believe it's true, I can't do that completely without my sensibility screaming this is just another trick being played on me, and I shouldn't believe it lest I want to receive another pile of lies.
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• I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to finish this post because I've been writing and writing and then suddenly running out of interest to write and then wanting to write again. I'm like a fucking light switch ughhhh where are my life motivationsss??
• I'm thinking about cancelling my trip to Singapore. As much as my feet love to bounce to places, I really don't think another trip with Cam is gonna be a good idea. It's always a good idea to keep a certain distance to everyone, even your close friends and family, for the sake of the relationship really. Because by the second time we traveled and third time hung out, I was quite fed up and felt myself not being able to let the small things go. Never a good sign. I really don't want to get cranky about such small things and leave the both of us overthinking about it, and for some reason I've been getting cranky much more than usual in the past few days.
• Sooooooo the question is what am I gonna do for the next two weeks before summer school starts. Certainly not hanging out with him so constantly again because apparently he only counts me as a plan B, and I knowww that it happens, but this time it's way too clear that I'm only called for when his plans don't work out. 
• See? It's only movies dates and problems start to show up already. I usually don't like dates to be planned, because it means that I'll have a certain amount of time to prepare myself for it, and there's always a high chance that that person will cancel it in the last minute and leave me with the unused preparations. Camellia loves to say things like, why don't you just stop thinking about it then? Like it's even possible. She would've done the same thing, if not even more, in the same situation, she's not even that sensible of a person to begin with. That's why I love spontaneous dates, because then you don't even have time to think, and the other person will most certainly be there.
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• Again, when am I gonna be able to finish this??
• It's been what, a week since I started this post? New record already, put that in the book. 
• So, the physical finally showed up. I'm not gonna go details about it cause I know there's lots of spies reading this blog, and although I changed my blog link and all, better safe than sorry, right?
• I guess you'll never love and take yourself seriously until you have a friend with benefits. And I dropped 4 pounds for no reason at all, which makes it even better.
• I know this is too abrupt for a post that is worth a week-ful of information, but I'm hungry, it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast just yet. So, stay happy folks, I'm getting something to eat.
  
  
  
  
  

Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
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• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Ice cream cone #92: rainy summer days

• Because it is like that in this city, summer begins when it starts to rain. I guess it's a good thing since the normal temperature is way too unbearable. On days like today, when there's obviously no sign that a raindrop is to be shed, people simply can't be romantic. I think I wrote about this before, but the happiness of humans in Saigon at this time of the year is reduced to finding a shade to park under when the traffic light turns red, and maybe finding a place with air-conditioning with drinks that don't cost them too much money.
• So on rainy days, when the heat's toned down a beat and the winds are cold, the Saigonese (as I like to call them) try to be as romantic as they can be.
• I like Au Parc. I like it even more when it rains. I looked it up on Google Translate, "au parc" means "at the park" in English. And it does feel like that. The café always has this dark and chilled vibe to it, with a really big window outlooking the park. There's always good music, and I mean really good, with jazz and soul and maybe some contemporary tracks that make people just wanna lay back and enjoy. I guess it happens to other people as well, to have a place that they like for just really small reasons. On rainy days, the guests in Au Parc would just stare at the glazed window and talk about their friends and what good places to eat. They're mostly foreigners, maybe a bit lost, or adventurous in such a chaotic and different city like Saigon, watching the rare rain in the middle of summer and maybe enjoying the music. I like watching people in general, maybe that's why I'm so fascinated with Andy Warhol, but the kind of people who stop at Au Parc always bring with them a story. I like to watch them secretly, follow their stories like a little stalker, and imagine what their lives would be like. I like to do that, not just with people, but with houses as well. I guess the imagination in my head is always hungry for materials, and the talks of the people in Au Parc are just spicy enough.
• It's true, from what I've observed, it's not easy to fall in love with this city. How can you grow feelings at all when you're always worried that your phone's gonna be stolen, that the streets are gonna be jammed, when for at least 20 minutes a day you have to breath in exhaust gas and when there's absolutely no pavement to walk? But you have to learn how to do that I guess, in order to make your life easier. Each day when you get home, feel your pocket and realize that your phone's still there, you're a winning warrior. Each day when you get out of the traffic jam, get home and reward yourself with a foot scrub, you feel like it will get better. At least that's what I do on a bad day, when the city gets difficult.
• I always have this intention in my head that before I go away, I'll spend an entire day doing memorable things with the city. Maybe making a random video, or taking some polaroid photos, or scratching my name on a tree in the park, just to have something to look back on.
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• Soooo, another eventful week. I wrote this post about a week ago I think, and a day passed by and I found myself craving to get in here to recite the things that have happened. But I'm glad I didn't do that, because as days went by, I was able to arrange my thoughts and write down things that don't only serve the purpose of getting the anger out.
• So this is the first step huh? I guess everybody carries a check list by their side, and when stuff happens, they tick on another box on the list of how to be a grown up. I can see why people want to go back to their childhood so badly as growing up does suck, but I'm trying to look on the bright side here.
• And the bright side is that, the more you grow up, the more you can have fun being yourself without being constantly told about how to do things right. That was probably one of the biggest things that I enjoy in my growing up process. I don't know about others, most of my friends are thrilled with this idea, but I know some people aren't very much. Growing up also means you get to be independent of your family. In my case, the more I'm independent, the more I appreciate the value of family. It doesn't even mean that you care less, it just means that you do the work in the family voluntarily. You do it because you care, not because it's something your mom tells you to do. 
• This post is gonna be long and wordy, so no need to read til the end. I'm just gonna babble about random stuff from this point on. It's International Children's Day today.
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• Rain season = shoes damage season. I'm in the hunt for a pair of jelly shoes that will be my savior when the rain decides to pay a visit. I think my Converse were really mad at me today, because they were soaking wet and are now super super dirty. But my problem with finding the right pair of shoes is that, I have elephant-sized feet, comparing to the average population in this country. Therefore, shoes shopping is a more than painful task as it only embraces how much I resemble a troll. Hopefully I'll finally find a pair of satisfying shoes before the rain season's over and all of my boots and sneakers and flats are completely damaged.
• It's been raining even more now, almost everyday this week. It's a good sign, since it's still sunny (a little bit too sunny if you know what I mean) in the morning, gets really pleasant at noon as the sky becomes cloudy and the temperature drops significantly, and then here comes the big ass rain that only lasts for an hour or so, depends on where you live. After the rain, everything becomes nicer. I'm trying to form a habit of taking a walk every evening before work, as it helps with the digestion of dinner and gives me more energy, therefore the rain helps with cleaning up the streets and cooling down the temperature. After about half an hour of walking yesterday I felt so good that I thought to myself "I have to make a habit out of this!". When you don't get wet, rain is everything that a person could dream of in this city.
• As my stomach has given me the final warning, and as for today I am no longer a third year student and have officially entered the summer vacation, I'm gonna set up a healthy lifestyle. I guess during the year I always convince myself that I didn't have time for anything, so I allowed myself to be a slacker when it comes to working. Last summer I thought, when I have the time, I'll devote myself to work completely, but it happened otherwise, which was that I spent too much time going out and doing whatever it was that I can't even remember, and neglected my work just as much as I did throughout the school year. That's why I'm a little bit scared that this summer's gonna be the same, unless I motivate myself from the start, that things have to be different. I have a few ideas to elaborate, hopefully I'll be able to do them all alongside with the travelling and going out with friends.
• Again, so so sorry for the length of this one, I just simply have a lot to say. The content of this post is the sum of around three normal posts, had I published them normally. I think the main reason is because tumblr has been really short on beautiful photos lately that I wasn't able to find any that were suitable for my mood. But as I'm feeling very motivated today, I'm gonna publish this long ass post no matter what haha. Please bear with me.
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• I have so so so much to write down, but I guess I'll take some time to form it more properly in my head and save it as material for another post.