Ice cream cone #84: movies

• 5 days til Valentine's day. Ew. 
• I have to start school tomorrow, which means, more bus, more heat, less sleep, less life. Being back to school is soooo hardddd after more than a month of practically doing nothing.
• Anyways, some stuff happened that made me wanna write a short movie review so badd.

• American Hustle: I first knew about the movie through a Jennifer Lawrence fansite that I (was practically forced to) follow on facebook. And although I've watched The Hunger Game, out of curiosity, and Silver Lining's Playbook, with high hopes in JLaw's performance, what she delivered did not satisfy me, not even one bit. Let's talk about Silver Lining's a little bit, IMHO, she was very stiff in pretty much the entire movie, especially on the scene when she explained to Bradley why her husband died, I expected to actually feel something. And as imaginative and full of hope as I was, I couldn't relate, at all. All that was in my head was, maybe it's just bad performance, maybe it's better in the book, if there is one. Therefore, when I watched the American Hustle trailer, I inevitably paid more attention to JLaw's performance. But, after having watched the movie about three times, I'd say this movie is Christian Bale's game. Batman was Bale's first movie that I got to watch, then followed by The Prestige and American Psycho (which I slightly enjoyed, but not as much as Donnie Darko). And in all of these movies, I still see Bale, with his specially structured teeth and his accent and his way of acting. But in Hustle, I think he had a step up. Just by not having to focus too much on the fact that I'm watching a Bale movie makes me enjoy it so much more. His accent, his way of showing the struggle with his marriage, his way of falling in love and even his appearance in this movie makes me gain a big lot of respect for him afterwards. Bradley Cooper did his best to prove to the audience that he's no longer a pretty boy who does silly blockbusters, and for some minute in this movie I actually hate Richie. Amy Adams' was enjoyable, seeing her doing something so different from Julie & Julia and Leap Year was fresh. I'd say JLaw's performance in Hustle has this gap comparing to Adams, especially in the scene when Sydney tells Irv that she might fall for Richie a bit. I started out on this movie thinking that I'd be watching Lawrence's acting for fun, turned out her performance annoyed me the most when the rest of the cast was being in so deep with the script. Overall the movie was enjoyable, I still question the picture quality, don't know if I'd downloaded a bad torrent file or what, full of surprises, but when you've come to know the max, it's not gonna be the kind of movie that I'd wanna watch thoroughly for the second time. 3,8/5.
• Aaaahhhh I've got soo much stuff to talk about in the past few days. But first, I need to fully focus on the fact that hOLIDAY ENDS TOMORROW :((

Ice cream cone #83

• This was me 4 years ago, taken a week after my 17th birthday. Just how much has changed.
• I don't wanna be someone who constantly looks back on every step she's taken, but, I was going through my facebook profile photos today and saw this. I remember this was the time I wasn't very confident about having my face directly in a photo, hence the mug. The mug, by the way, was a birthday present by a dear dear friend of mine, whom I think I'll remain having respect in, I might say, my entire life.
• As I grow up I've found out lots of things about myself, like the fact that I can't concentrate very well, I love red but red doesn't love me back, I'm a control freak, and most of all, I completely suck at keeping a relationship.
• That's why I was shocked, much more that I'd imagined, when I saw the news, just popped in, like a lost blind dove that hits the glassed window. I had weird and uncomfortable dreams about it last night. It just feels like another one has slipped away, and it's all my fault.
• Maybe Camellia was right, when I was taking this photo, I blamed the world for what was wrong in my life, and hoped that as I grew older, problems would solve themselves and I'd be rested at last. But little did I know, it only got worse.
• Now looking back at it, I didn't even try. I threw the chances out of the window for no reason at all. I fucked up, acted silly, made a fool out of myself, so what? It's just another slipped away, only one I didn't expect. 
• I always thought he was the light in the lighthouse, that safe vision that you have whenever you turn around. I just need to know someone like that exists. But, the boat is lost, and there's no need for lights to guide it home anymore, what's the use of keeping it anyways. The electricity that fuels the light could be used for something much more in need, not just a boat that never touches shore.
• What happened in 2010? Like, what did I do, what did I think about? It's funny how every time things like this happens I look back at my past and, secretively, envy my younger self for not having to acknowledge and suffer any of this.
• But, it's never good to feel down. I don't like feeling down, there's no use in it and I'll just eat more than usual. Therefore, my short-term goal right now is to successfully not think about this, and maybe focus on more important things.
• I'll try my best, I promise you that, Spit.

Ice cream cone #82

• Sooooo, no new name for the cone. Still the overly happy post title that in certain ways annoys me.
• Apparently I haven't written much about work in here. Probably because it's not awfully to my passion, which is weird because I swear sometimes I do feel passionate about it, and I'm the kind of person who can't get any work done without inspiration or good inner motivation. But I guess my work, in my opinion, only defines itself by photography.
• It's kind of true. It's the only thing that I consider an outcome of this. Anything else seems a bit vague and I constantly feel like I don't quite finish the job.
• But ever since I had this 4 megapixel camera that didn't do much of the job, I had this desire to photograph fashion lifestyle. I've always been a fan of toying around with clothes and accessories and finding the right composition. It's art at its best, because it expresses personality directly and fiercely, well, depends on the person, probably. But I haven't had much success in creating those photos. Don't know why, although I've tried and gone into some serious researching, but not much have improved.
• So I switched to food photography, and suddenly it was so much easier. I don't know if it's the much less complicated subject, or because it's another form of art being put together, maybe it's the form of art that indulges the cameramen enough that they can actually taste it. Nevertheless, I started to feel happy about my work again. And it partly satisfies my passion to take fashion photos, kind of makes me believe I'm not that useless with an overpriced camera.
• Every single time I log on to this blog I wander around the good ol' fashion // lifestyle blogs that I've been following for years. I don't add any more blogs because partly I don't find any blogs that are worth adding anymore, and partly because it's really hard to find someone whose work you can get so easily inspired from. And every single time I scroll through those blogs, I feel small, like the work I've done with food is just sand, and theirs are miles and miles of woods. It's almost like a guilty pleasure, because the photos that they took can inspire me to the point where I can pick up a camera to go anywhere just to take a memory card full of photos, then return home, edit all of them and upload them all here. But at the same time, it's just sad, because I'm still here, sitting in the chair I've been sitting for the past 6 years, still blogging about how left out I feel from the world, it just doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere with this.
• But, to be fair, I might not get as much success as I did if I had a chance to work with real fashion shoots. Food, in some ways, are much more forgiving, and I can put my own opinion into a photo without having anyone telling me they could hire someone who works better in fifteen seconds.
• Food photography is my comfort zone.
• Doesn't make much sense, but, just a few thoughts that I need to get out of my head.

Ice cream cone #81

• No more yogurt cup, I've been writing yogurt cup for somewhat 2 or 3 years now. Time to change. But I might keep changing it until I finally can find something that I really like, cause Ice cream cone sounds a bit too happy for these types of writing.
• Unlike yogurt cups. They're neutral. You could like or not like a yogurt cup. I don't like eating yogurt that badly, I just like the idea of a big paper cup full of soft yogurt, topped with lots and lots of fruit and maybe a glaze of chocolate sauce. Well, on some days, my words are just plain yogurt, on other days, they're topped with something happy. Ice cream cones seem like they always resemble something happy, they're never sad, and everyone seems to like a good big ice cream cone.
• That's it. I'm gonna come up with something more appropriate next time.
• Happy new year. On the first week of new year I burnt my leg pretty badly with the scroller, found out that I passed Linguistics, had to stay at home for two straight days, received two comments about how much I've gained weight (one from a colleague from mom's office, one very long and detailed from mom about which exact part of my body have gained weight and how badly I look now). Yayy to 2014.
• Made me come back to think does it really matter that much? They could adopt if I get too ugly you know. They could've done it when I started that acne phrase in 8th grade. I'm ugly all the time if you didn't notice.
• That grammar nazi guy who'd been annoying me secretly for half a year finally took a hit on me, right when I was not in my best mood. And I reacted, as naturally as I could've, and I was pretty sure he sat back with shock and disgust about the new kind of person he just found out in me. Thinking back about it, it's pretty funny though, cause most of the time people just think I'm this easily trusting and quite dinky girl who talks too much and can be fooled by almost anything. Therefore, she can't react for the sake of it.
• Even my best friend thinks I trust people too much. How is that?
• Yesterday I had this terrible migraine that occasionally sneak up on me when I'm not getting much sleep (which I highly doubt since I finished all of my exams about 5 days ago and indulge myself everyday to a 9-hour sleep, hence the weight gain and the very "constructive" comments above), and had this immediate urge to go to bed, or else I'd throw up or pass out at some point. And no calls.
• It's funny to think, since I make the call everyday, having this need to talk, and then one day I don't, and it doesn't bother anybody in the world, that I have to go to be at 9:30 because this frigging migraine was haunting me, he still lives happily and busily. And then i realized something I should have two thousand years ago: He doesn't care about me at all. Why should I make the call everyday, to someone who doesn't even appreciate the effort or the feelings anyways? It's just sick, and I really don't wanna talk to him about it, cause every time I do, or try to, he'll pull out one of the cards, in this box that says "Excuses", and reads loudly and emotionally, and forces me to shut up and accept it. 
• Why should I waste time, emotions and words for someone who has never succeeded in making me happy?
• I had this problem when I was around 16 or 17 is that I truly did not believe that anyone could see through me, I saw those love photos on flickr, I watched all of those movies, I listened to all of those songs, and they appeared fake to me. It's like they made it up to sell to girls who were emotionally inexperienced like me, when I was 16.
• Then I turn 18 and got this so-called "taste" of having a so-called partner. And then suddenly they made sense. Like, I knew the feelings expressed in those works were real, they didn't write it from a place in their brains that only wanted to sell records or tickets. What a revolution.
• And as I turned 20, this so-called partner of mine has made me despise all of those songs and movies and photos that seemingly made sense. Because no such good things could happen to people. Because they didn't happen to me. I'm just constantly surrounded by reasons and excuses and sighs and scolds that I got to the point where I don't understand what being treated well is like.
• And then it dawned on me. I was treated badly by almost every guy who had this fucking idea of interest in me. Summer flings, phone calls to their girlfriends to make sure that they won't show up before making a word to go have lunch with me (it's a fast-food lunch, dumbass -- not like I asked you to take me to a senior prom or anything), messages on facebook asking how I've been, although they're not that very interested in finding out about me anyways,... Why are you interested in me when all you do is to treat me like some kind of stray cat? I'm not scared of being alone you know. It's so much more liberating than having lines and lines of things to be concerned about, especially if those concerns come from unworthy people.
• I'll just wait til Camellia's finished with her exams and then maybe we'll go somewhere and take nice photos and maybe hang out with people I haven't seen in years and forget about all of this goddamn mess.
• And here are some photos to make my post not look so depressed.

Yoghurt cup #80: frequent blogging yayy

• This is the most frequent I've ever been on the blog. Probably because of the end-of-the-year rush, and this month, and year has been the least posted of all. Thoughts a bit too messy to be put down in words I guess.
• Yesterday I baked the ginger brownies and bought two decorative mini Christmas trees, one in green and one in red. The photos turned out so festive and made so inspired I wanna flee out of the house and buy some lights and start thinking about plans to decorate my room for Christmas.
• Having take the experience from last year, now I'm more calm and prepared before the storm of what is called the Christmas series and the final term season. But, to be fair, last year's Christmas was the first time I did any of the series and I had two horrifying subjects that until now I still don't know how I  magically passed. I remember last year when the final term was finally over, I had to spend an afternoon just letting the fact that there's no longer any stress anymore sink in. Oh well, at least you learned something *shrugs*.

• My faculty, actually, we, have a plan to organize a little Christmas party for all students and teachers. And there's going to be a gift exchanging game, and because I'm so lame and unlucky like that I know for sure that I'm gonna pick a very weird and unusable gift this year. Nevertheless, I'm still hung over on the thought of what to buy as a gift to represent myself. Might as well just buy a really big-ass candle and a white tin case, but if the candle goes to the hands of a guy then boom it's gonna stay somewhere in the house unused, until the mice found out about the good smell and made it a Christmas treat for the clan. Like about a thousand stories about candles as gifts that I've heard from every-friend-of-mine.
• Aah Christmas, the season of inspirations.
• Been listening to Fun's record for 2 days now. I'm pretty glad that I found some worthy music to make me wanna listen to again, cause for all these time I've been putting the Backstreet Boys and Lily Allen on and on it made me sick to the guts.
• (the problem of posting frequently is that you have nothing much to say because, let's face it, how many things can happen in two days actually?)
• When I'm done with the room I'm probably gonna be inspired enough to take a photo of it and put it up here just to save the memory.
• Seriously, I'm out of things to say. So here are more photos of cats.

• Oh, and P.S, I played with a cat without getting allergies yesterday yay me!

Yoghurt cup #79: about turning 20

• Hello earthlings, it's the 20-year-old-and-almost-a-month me speaking. 
• I'm 20 now. No more fooling around doing meaningless things. I'm so old now.
• Oh my God seriously what am I gonna be like when I turn 21, 22, 23, 27, 29, 30? Just thinking about the time and the responsibility and the vague future ahead of me scares me everyday. Most of the time I just feel like I haven't done anything much, just sitting around waiting for chances to come by, not actually get up and go look around.
• And yet I'm 20. Single as ever, long hair (thank goodness for that), one year left in university, not even a makeup lover anymore although now I wear makeups more than ever, wanting to write a letter in my journal but unfortunately I'm not home, I am, with no surprise, at my grandpa's house writing my blog on my stiff bed. I baked brownies on my 20th birthday, there was a ridiculously big storm that day in the city, and I was called by our class servant aka monitor at 4 in the morning to be informed that there would be no class in the morning. And as I peaked my eyes through the window the rain was heavier than ever, and the sky turned into this mysterious purple color that I'd always loved since I was a kid. And, as weird as it might have sounded, it was a good day. There were floods on the streets and the traffic was completely nuts, but I stayed at home, baked brownies and ate them with milk when they were fresh hot. I guess it was my birthday so I could not care about the surroundings for some time.
• As I walked home from the bus stop today I felt more tired, sleepy and hungry than ever. Probably because I only ate a crappy doner kebab in the afternoon and we had two back-to-back tests today in class, one was Linguistics and one was Advanced German, pretty serious stuff. Everytime I start to feel overboard I have this creepy little thought is that when the others can relax and probably go to bed early I have to sit here and finish my work. But, it wasn't a fair thing to say because I procrastinated so much that I couldn't have finished the job very early when I totally could've. Hah! All because of me!

Yes I have to take advantage when the city is getting a bit cold to rock some of the winter pieces of mine!

• Errr we didn't talk today. I kept thinking about that story of a friend of my mom, she divorced her husband because, although after all was set and done they did take some time to give it a shot, the words that were said were too hurtful that neither of them could let go and move on.
• And at the time I heard that story I was too young to understand what power words hold to make people feel so apart. I'd always thought it was something minor, until now.
• I have to admit there was some relief not to be the garbage bin that holds the unreasonable anger and jealousy, actually, it was a big relief because in a day when I return home completely exhausted and a bit ill, my head couldn't take any more of this drama. But for the first time in a while, I felt nothing. It was almost like that point when I was dumped and tried my best to drag myself out of the mess and finally did. It touched the point when I couldn't forgive with feelings anymore. 
• Such a shame isn't it? A waste of time as well. 
• Sorry to come back with such a sad story. 2013 is almost over and the only achievement I've made in this year is not to mess up with my hair at all. But behold, things are about to change because I'm thinking about dyeing my hair ombre.
• I have to go finish my work at go to bed early because honestly I have no strength left so live well, wherever you are.

Also, something that I found very inspiring:

1.     If you like someone, wait.
2.     Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
3.     Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
4.     Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
5.     Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
6.     Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
7.     Meet someone new, even just a friend.
8.     Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
9.     Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.
10.     Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are.
11.     Listen to new music.
12.     Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
13.     It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
14.     Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.
15.     Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
16.     Make new memories.
17.     Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
18.     Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
19.     Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time.
20.     Learn to love every bit of yourself.