Yoghurt cup #80: frequent blogging yayy

• This is the most frequent I've ever been on the blog. Probably because of the end-of-the-year rush, and this month, and year has been the least posted of all. Thoughts a bit too messy to be put down in words I guess.
• Yesterday I baked the ginger brownies and bought two decorative mini Christmas trees, one in green and one in red. The photos turned out so festive and made so inspired I wanna flee out of the house and buy some lights and start thinking about plans to decorate my room for Christmas.
• Having take the experience from last year, now I'm more calm and prepared before the storm of what is called the Christmas series and the final term season. But, to be fair, last year's Christmas was the first time I did any of the series and I had two horrifying subjects that until now I still don't know how I  magically passed. I remember last year when the final term was finally over, I had to spend an afternoon just letting the fact that there's no longer any stress anymore sink in. Oh well, at least you learned something *shrugs*.

• My faculty, actually, we, have a plan to organize a little Christmas party for all students and teachers. And there's going to be a gift exchanging game, and because I'm so lame and unlucky like that I know for sure that I'm gonna pick a very weird and unusable gift this year. Nevertheless, I'm still hung over on the thought of what to buy as a gift to represent myself. Might as well just buy a really big-ass candle and a white tin case, but if the candle goes to the hands of a guy then boom it's gonna stay somewhere in the house unused, until the mice found out about the good smell and made it a Christmas treat for the clan. Like about a thousand stories about candles as gifts that I've heard from every-friend-of-mine.
• Aah Christmas, the season of inspirations.
• Been listening to Fun's record for 2 days now. I'm pretty glad that I found some worthy music to make me wanna listen to again, cause for all these time I've been putting the Backstreet Boys and Lily Allen on and on it made me sick to the guts.
• (the problem of posting frequently is that you have nothing much to say because, let's face it, how many things can happen in two days actually?)
• When I'm done with the room I'm probably gonna be inspired enough to take a photo of it and put it up here just to save the memory.
• Seriously, I'm out of things to say. So here are more photos of cats.

• Oh, and P.S, I played with a cat without getting allergies yesterday yay me!

Yoghurt cup #79: about turning 20

• Hello earthlings, it's the 20-year-old-and-almost-a-month me speaking. 
• I'm 20 now. No more fooling around doing meaningless things. I'm so old now.
• Oh my God seriously what am I gonna be like when I turn 21, 22, 23, 27, 29, 30? Just thinking about the time and the responsibility and the vague future ahead of me scares me everyday. Most of the time I just feel like I haven't done anything much, just sitting around waiting for chances to come by, not actually get up and go look around.
• And yet I'm 20. Single as ever, long hair (thank goodness for that), one year left in university, not even a makeup lover anymore although now I wear makeups more than ever, wanting to write a letter in my journal but unfortunately I'm not home, I am, with no surprise, at my grandpa's house writing my blog on my stiff bed. I baked brownies on my 20th birthday, there was a ridiculously big storm that day in the city, and I was called by our class servant aka monitor at 4 in the morning to be informed that there would be no class in the morning. And as I peaked my eyes through the window the rain was heavier than ever, and the sky turned into this mysterious purple color that I'd always loved since I was a kid. And, as weird as it might have sounded, it was a good day. There were floods on the streets and the traffic was completely nuts, but I stayed at home, baked brownies and ate them with milk when they were fresh hot. I guess it was my birthday so I could not care about the surroundings for some time.
• As I walked home from the bus stop today I felt more tired, sleepy and hungry than ever. Probably because I only ate a crappy doner kebab in the afternoon and we had two back-to-back tests today in class, one was Linguistics and one was Advanced German, pretty serious stuff. Everytime I start to feel overboard I have this creepy little thought is that when the others can relax and probably go to bed early I have to sit here and finish my work. But, it wasn't a fair thing to say because I procrastinated so much that I couldn't have finished the job very early when I totally could've. Hah! All because of me!

Yes I have to take advantage when the city is getting a bit cold to rock some of the winter pieces of mine!

• Errr we didn't talk today. I kept thinking about that story of a friend of my mom, she divorced her husband because, although after all was set and done they did take some time to give it a shot, the words that were said were too hurtful that neither of them could let go and move on.
• And at the time I heard that story I was too young to understand what power words hold to make people feel so apart. I'd always thought it was something minor, until now.
• I have to admit there was some relief not to be the garbage bin that holds the unreasonable anger and jealousy, actually, it was a big relief because in a day when I return home completely exhausted and a bit ill, my head couldn't take any more of this drama. But for the first time in a while, I felt nothing. It was almost like that point when I was dumped and tried my best to drag myself out of the mess and finally did. It touched the point when I couldn't forgive with feelings anymore. 
• Such a shame isn't it? A waste of time as well. 
• Sorry to come back with such a sad story. 2013 is almost over and the only achievement I've made in this year is not to mess up with my hair at all. But behold, things are about to change because I'm thinking about dyeing my hair ombre.
• I have to go finish my work at go to bed early because honestly I have no strength left so live well, wherever you are.

Also, something that I found very inspiring:

1.     If you like someone, wait.
2.     Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
3.     Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
4.     Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
5.     Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
6.     Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
7.     Meet someone new, even just a friend.
8.     Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
9.     Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.
10.     Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are.
11.     Listen to new music.
12.     Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
13.     It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
14.     Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.
15.     Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
16.     Make new memories.
17.     Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
18.     Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
19.     Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time.
20.     Learn to love every bit of yourself.

Yoghurt cup #78: things

Well, of course, life is made up by things.

• The new boyfriend blue blouse that I bough from the flea market today that cheers me up so well.
• The bunch of perfume samples that I got for no reason. I don't know why I've been so deeply interested with using perfumes lately. And I have about 10 or more samples so I guess I won't have to even think about buying a full bottle in at least two months.
• The floral dress that (sadly, or gladly) that my mom looks better in than I do.
• Delicious crepes with delicious coconut-flavored ice cream.
• Braiding my hair.
• Getting to use the Chocomania shower gel. Which smells absolutely amazing.
• The Burberry Body perfume which lasts for-ever.
• Tomorrow's payday yay.
• Blue illustrated elephant.

Yoghurt cup #77: long time no see

• It seems like all of my recent (or not very recent) posts have all been posted ridiculously late at night. So here's a post that's (hopefully) posted at noon for a change.
• 8 posts away from reaching 500 posts. And yet half of them are drafts. Sigh.
• School has started, nothing much to say about it except the amount of homework and other work just suddenly landed on my head made me a bit taken aback and, although I'm happily enthusiastic to start a year with only German subjects, it still took me some time to get used to.
• And I don't know whether because my energy has all been spent on schoolwork and other things or because I started to get closer to those who can help me but I've been pushing everyone away. But not everyone everyone, just the everyone whom I've sensed the problems before, but still had the strength and energy to endure. But that everyone was a whole lot of people.

• Long story short, I'm honestly tired of spending time with people who won't understand and who can't find a decent subject to keep a conversation going other than talking about themselves.
• After a bunch of things happening right - in - front - of - my - eyes - and - right - to - my - feelings, I find myself not wanting to have any contact with her for at least two weeks ahead. The fact that they're together all the time, and how they kind of push me away to have more time to spend together, and excuse me I won't dare to interrupt you guys and your holy relationship I just wanna make sure my work gets done, kind of (if not too obviously) gets to my nerves.
• I don't believe in such fast relationships. With the exception of falling in love, which I don't think she's capable of doing because she doesn't have the ability to care about anyone particularly, every other relationship needs time to bloom. Don't wasp into my face those 3-month theory of yours and say to me that oh, she gets me perfectly and because she's a lesbian and is willing to flee to my house everyday to talk and stuff. Honestly I despise those kinds of relationship when they think they know it all when in reality there's no foundation, and I can see the cracks and the vision of them cuddling in my house talking to me about how could it end up like this. I won't welcome you to my door.
• For all of those reasons, I'll say that for the great of good, and for the sake of my uncontrollable mouth, I'll stay away from the "couple" for a while, until I no longer have any hatred towards them, or worse, their presence becomes familiar to my eyes.

• And yet people like that is perfectly accepted in this world. She could say something which I think is completely inappropriate to a friend of hers, and he still worships her and kneels down to her feet, but just imagine me saying something wrong. What a scenario.
• But yeah, everything happens for a reason. I'm the bad person who hates on other people here.
•  
• I don't know why I've been superbly cranky the past couple of days. Maybe because of the work pressure combined with all of the studying in university and the pressure of how on Earth to meet with the request in my English course stress.
• I knew this English learning thing would be a bad idea, I just didn't think how it could crush me this easily. I think my mom believes too much in my ability to magically learn two languages, with the same amount, at the same time, and still manage to look human. I'm not a saint you know, I can't do everything!?!!
• When. Will. This. Be. Overrrrr? If only I could drop one of the balls that I'm juggling with. That would be really nice :((
• Goal for this week: deal with everything without complaining too much (because not complaining at all is quite impossible, you must start somewhere, right?); find myself some me-time; work out a little bit more; try not to spend too much money cause you know, you won't get paid until next week.
• And try not to think about quitting your jobbbbb not now Jennyyyy :((
• I'm just gonna go add some meaningless photos into this post to make it look more appealing and look what time it is now, I said I was gonna post it at noon. And it wasn't even today's noon, it was the noon from 3 or 4 days ago I believe. May I present you, the queen of procrastination.

Yoghurt cup #76: The things that have happened that fucked up my mind constantly

• God knows how many things have happened in my trip. Just being around my sister in her 90 last glorious days before she gets married kind of changed everything.
• I'm gonna have to say the breakup incident has taken me to an unexpected journey that lasts through the entire summer. I would write all of them in a book or grab someone interested to tell them about all the things that have happened but I wouldn't know how to end such a story like that.
• Haha I was going to talk about how he appeared on my Facebook feed with my boss, and then someone commented "why don't you guys date already?" and then the ugliest and most shameful thought just grew out of my head, but apparently there have been a lot of he's to talk about in my summer, he's just gonna be one of them.
• It's all bad timing. The Lord really knows how to give people the opportunity to learn new things.
• Wild thoughs moment: this is all preparation, because I didn't have any experience last time, but I guess I'll still stay like this even though I've been through years of experience. If magically somehow it works, it won't last for long. Something's gonna go wrong, and this time, I won't have anyone to run back to like last time. 
• And I'll lose a friend who means so much to me, in a much more painful way.
• He always has his ways of making me feel like I'm accepted no matter what. No matter what I dress, what I say, all of the crazy things I did and all of the breakdowns I've been through, I can tell he still sees me as the same person. And I really don't know to express how thankful I am just knowing someone like that is still somewhere in this world. Makes me believe at the end of the day, when I'm laying my head rest and all of the ugly things in the world come dancing on my chest, I can just tell myself, oh, it's ok, I'll just tell him about it sometimes and he'll understand.
• Not necessarily that I have to tell him about every-single-incident that have happened in my life, although up until now I kind of have been, because it would be a selfish thing to do. He can just take a glance at my simple life and know where my problem is, whereas I'm drowned in his personal life although I'm just still standing on the outside looking in.
•  
• He's leaving tomorrow. Everything that has happened around him has been somewhat the most unexpected and spontaneous and everyone would be pointing their finger at me laughing at my stupidity for actually falling for someone like that.
• If I wrote a novel about the three guys who took my summer to a journey, he would be the least to write about. Instead, the storyline would go as how I've been living without him, and how I fight the thoughts of people keep telling me that he actually has feelings for me.
• I think I learned from the experiences that happen around the dates that I have with him rather than the dates themselves. It would be random stories of doing normal things throughout the day and then something hits me and I realize it reminds me of him, and I convince myself it's ridiculous to even think about it and then carry on.
•  
• Third one was actually the key point. It was the cause of all of this. Up until now, all I have in mind when I think about him was worry. But I can't set my foot too deep anymore because one, I don't have the right anyways, and two, if I set one foot in, I'll just get myself attached to something that I know won't go anywhere.
• I sincerely hope he's ok, I can find my way out of that maze in my quest for the summer journey, but now that I don't know about his journey anymore, I'm not sure how he copes.
• I'm out of things to write about this. Maybe another time then.

Yoghurt cup #75: short torn thoughts

• Facing the only place where I can feel most true, I can't help but having to ask myself one question, sincerely and considerately: what are you doing?
• I feel like a shadow covering patterns on a marbled floor. Not a fully formed creature, depends deeply on outer events, always feels nervous of vanishing once there's no more light. I don't really know what I'm doing, I can't guess my feelings anymore. I was having this thought, just do whatever the heck basic instincts tell you to do, because eventually the overall sadness of yours is going to shadow this one detail about how you could let yourself get into a kind of relationship that you don't, even for one second, believe in.
• Every once in a while people let themselves do something so out of the rules. But I didn't just let myself, it was so bland a relationship that I didn't even have to pick myself up in order to get used to it.
•  
• When I told my mom the other day, I think the only thing she needs to do right now is wait, like I did, like everyone around that age did, she's a much better person than I am, I kind of regret it. All of the weak and humiliating things about myself were never said out loud. We all know they're there, but just saying the thing out loud really did make me believe I'm that kind of person.
• I'm having a daily routine now, get up at 8.30, breakfast, do the 12 o'clock article, lunch, take a short nap, go to English class for about 2 hours or 3, get back home or flee to somewhere with food, have dinner at home or not, get back to the articles and emails, go to bed relatively late, repeat. I'm not sure if it's even a good thing to form a schedule, it feels almost like I'm trapped in some kind of cage. But I don't sleep for a terribly long time in a day anymore, so I guess everything has its benefits.
• If there is one thing that really can scare me right now, it would be that I can't speak to you anymore. This summer has gone on very weirdly I don't want any interruptions that make me any more unbalanced than I already am.

Yoghurt cup #74

• It felt like the first time I wanted to hold his hands. I remember it was another hang-out date that we had to get me out of that boring English class. We were walking that road near the biggest department center in the city, I was wearing the same nail polish color, dressed in jeans and a striped T-shirt. I wanted to hold his hands so badly that I did it, like a normal gesture that you do when someone's hand is so close to yours, pretending (or not) that I needed someone to hold on to when crossing the street. We were both happy, I think, with nothing on our minds, no jobs, no incidents, no arguments and breakups and hurtful words. We were nothing to each other, and I had to really hold myself back every night when the thought about him crept in because what if he doesn't like me back?
• I think he knew what was going on today, I was really thankful when he touched my hand, basically the same feeling when I first held his hand, but in a darker, more desperate way. We were there, on that windy rooftop, holding each other with every single feeling in the world, but without an easy way to express it, because considering the current situation, every movement is inappropriate. If I hadn't have this stubborn character, maybe it would still have worked.
• I really wanted to cry today, when we were on the rooftop, just to let it out when I still could. But somehow I couldn't. Not wanting to know about him anymore. And then what? Pretending to talk like nothing had happened, like you didn't just lie there crying yourself out for nights and nights, but the mere thought of still being able to talk to him still thrills you to the bone. And then what? Being on a date with him, having him acting sweet and caring and smiling at you with the smile that you know he only has with certain people. And then what? Having him kiss you unexpectedly when you can't even think or cry anymore. And then what?
• Then what?
• Have I run out of my chances? I can't balance myself anymore between wanting desperately to be with him all the time, talking to him about every single detail about the world and hearing him talk about how cameras are made around the world and what are you doing you're hurting yourself. It's like using drugs to reduce pain, when it wears off, you can feel the pain crawling back to your body slowly, turning into something you're no longer familiar with. And there you are, alone in the dark, fighting a new kind of pain desperately when all you think about is another dose of drugs to make this go away for one moment.
• Because most of the time I can't figure anything out, I've been letting instinct having its way. Oh well, you can't get any more desperate than this, might as well do what you think is best at the moment.
• It's terribly late at night. When will this be over?

Yoghurt cup #73

• Scorpion's most basic nature is revenge. It never settles to the short end of the story, if it's hurt, the others must know, and feel the same, if not worse. But, there's something that's left unsaid about Scorpion. It's not going to be that brutal if someone could truly understand what the meaning of all the crazy acts it's putting, and tell Scorpion that it's OK, someone gets you, I've been through what you're going through, and it's going to get better. Stop making yourself miserable. Here's some ice cream, here are some good books, read them and you'll find your will to move on.
• But if I had someone like that, someone to hand me books and ice cream, I wouldn't be sitting here all messed up talking to my blog like this.
• I don't understand how people could go through relationships easily, like, how do you even feel when you break up, when after the breakup you do a bunch of fucking silly things that you know exactly why you do that and how stupid they are but you still do anyways because you're desperate like that. I know, I know exactly why I did all of the things I did for the past few days, but I couldn't control it, I couldn't let myself pile up with all of the anger, the sadness, the eagerness, the hope that was happening at once, I had to let it out somehow. And my way of letting it all out wasn't exactly the very sober way I guess.

• I'm out of tears to cry. This evening when I was washing the dishes and really had a moment to let all of this sink in, my mind replayed everything with unnecessary details and clarity, but I was just like that, with a hole somewhere in my chest and my eyes completely dry. Every once in a while, I lose my ability to cry, which is somewhat a good thing because one, I usually have trouble breathing normally after crying and two, I was able to think a bit clearly and not fall into the depth of emptiness.
• This constantly reminds me of last January, when I was experiencing this for the first time. But this time is even worse, because last time only lasted for a month, and it ended up quite happily I guess. I don't even know when this will end, and I feel useless.

• I can't I can't I can't I just keep looking back for the way things used to be but his words blocked me from entering the sweet garden. He's run out of patience, and so should this be over with. Going back to the old track seems to be the safest way to get myself out of the miserable state, but what will happen? How long will I be able to live with those words shadowing my mind?
• Har-har, basically, whatever choice I make, I'm still desperate, and miserable, and hurt.
• That's quite nice to know actually.
• I'm going to bed.

it's nice to know someone who shares the same birthday as me

• Hah, this is serious. I should go see a psychic to ask about me and him, because we can't share things normally, only when in my most desperate moments I find myself reaching for his number.
• I never thought that sharing the same birthday was that important, I mean, there are other things that makes a person person rather than just a birthday, but knowing that at the same time in the year, we suddenly go through an amount of similar heart pulse thrills me. 
• It's like, everyday's pretty much the same throughout the year, but, once in 365 days, there's one that kind of stands out, and in that day, you're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel, mostly feeling nostalgic about everything and giving more thoughts about everything and getting celebrated a little.
• And it's nice that every once in 365 days, we share the same vibe.

• Today's officially topped it. Marked as a new high score in my chart of breakdowns haha

Yoghurt cup #72

• Is this what people mean by saying 3 years isn't a long time at all in a relationship? That after all that time they're not able to reach any commitment, and it's that easy to let it go when it simply doesn't work anymore?
• Feelings are expensive things that not everybody deserves. 
• Actually, if you just put one speck of second to think about the things I'm doing, it's as simple as that, I only wanted attention. Like the cat forgotten in a stray box trying to make a sound under the rain.
• I think I watched briefly a cartoon about the forgotten cat. 
• I fear for the day that person shows up, and I fear for the day he doesn't. 
• Just how many tears have I cried tonight?
• Should there be some kind of pills that one could take just to stop crying?
• Maybe I should stop here. Just need to get through tonight,

hopefully.

Yoghurt cup #71

• Here come the drastic changes and the me who can't keep up with what's going on in my life.
• I've probably felt it last time I wrote, but this time I was certain. It's saddening to realize that those who used to get you, or whom you think did, now don't. It's like walking home with a friend and trying to talk as much as you can before getting to the intersection or the spot where you have to split up. If it's the walk home from school, you can still walk it the next day, or the day after that, but if it's the walk that leads to somewhere farther, then you're left alone.
• Actually, I chose to be alone. There were really lots of things to process for the past few days and I need a good two or three days just lying around not communicating with anybody just to find a clue in all of this. This is honestly too much, like, I have to keep my head sane or else I'd make wrong choices.
• I dreamed about someone whom I've met twice yesterday. Don't know why it left such an impression. I dreamed about something that was true before I had the slightest clue about it. The main thing was, when I woke up and the entire dream story sunk in, I knew right away that somehow this story is going to be real.
• I don't know about him and how he feels, but to me, we're processing as friends much better than as lovers. Probably because both of us are at a stable stage where nothing, or nobody, vast is interrupting, and I tend to stay that way. Nevertheless, I still have anxiety that something very random is gonna come and hit me by the face, and although I don't have the faintest reason to get upset, I still will, and ruin the perfect "positive life perspective" scenario I'm creating for myself.
• Actually, not seeing each other is a good idea I think, so that I don't get into temptation and do things uncontrollably. We still talk, and he's still an amazing listener and does the best he can to be sane for me when I'm all messed up like this.
• Now that we don't hold any responsibility for each other, we're doing everything willingly I guess. I'm not saying that this doesn't upset me, probably all of this mental instability I'm having is the aftermath of the breakup, but I'm saying that this should be the right choice.
•  
• I re-synced a couple of the phone numbers from my old to new phone. I think my list adds up to only about 20 or 30 people. And I've been living very comfortably with that contact list.
• Made me realize I don't have, and don't have the need to have, that many people around. Not to mention in my very narrowed contact list there are a couple of numbers from my boss and coworkers, and one from the guy that I've been trying very very hard to push away for the past few months.
• One thing that I've been regretting and will be regretting for a long time ahead is the time when I allowed myself to go out with him. It broke one way too many rules in my playbook and it wasn't even fun! I deleted the part where I wrote about him on my last post, cause I'm just so fed up with him I don't even want him to have anything to do with my life anymore.
• My #1 rule when it comes to relationship, or at least making a pathetic attempt to imitate or seek one: honesty. God he just kept appearing in my life flinging that so-called playboy trick of his, thinking that I'd be fooled by that. Just that mere thought of being valuated that I could be owned by those tricks really really bothers me.
• I apologize for my words in some of the very long ago posts where I said that I wanted someone to go after me. Now I take it back. The "someone" definition scares me now.
•   
• In the end, trees with the same root die with each other. 
• It's nice to know someone's still making an attempt to read these things I wrote.
• I'm not very sober at the moment, not by the meaning of getting drunk and not being able to walk or pee properly, but mentally, like, when it comes to making pros and cons and deciding which factor has the more important impact on my life, I'm completely an idiot. That's why, I need time, to let all of this thinking that I've been doing for the past few days sink in, then I'll take a deep breath and think of what to do next.
•   
• My mom said that those like me are naturally harder to find someone they can trust and keep around. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• It's been a long yoghurt cup, hope you've prepared some gummy bears to eat along. I'm tired and my throat hurts, so I'm going to bed now.

Yoghurt cup #70

• People people people. How they've all chosen today to fucking piss me off.
• I was gonna recite every single story that pissed me off in the past 2 hours, but, it's childish, that's why I've chosen to think to myself, they're probably gonna go fuck themselves at some time in their lives, that's why they end up having a crappy job and not even doing it correctly oh mY GODD
• Breathe Jenny, breathe.
• I've been put into some sort of thinking mood lately, the main thing was that when he was away enjoying a vacation somewhere on the beach I was at home, hanging out with my friends realizing that the people whom I've been almost 100% sure understand me turn out not. And sometimes I just need someone to listen to me rather than giving me lectures and advice, which are things that I can give myself anyways.
• Long story short I need him around.
• Now I know the feeling of weird frustration he usually gets every time I travel and he stays at home waiting for me to get back.
• I don't normally write about him a lot like this, I like to keep the thoughts to myself. But this time got a bit too emotional and lied around sobbing and stuff, so I guess I had to find a way out.
• My yogurt cups haven't been quite fun lately, I wanted to write something fun to read but I only wanted to write when I'm not sober.
• How come I don't have a summer tag?
• It's still raining so I can't go home yet. The mere thought of having to stay at home scares me. It's too usual. I don't understand how friends just keep asking me to stop by at their house, if I wanna be at a comfortable house, I'd be at my house, wrapping my blanket watching Ugly Betty.
• My God Ugly Betty is goood! Another thing I don't understand is that people don't seem to appreciate Ugly Betty like I do, they always think that it's some sort of mediocre sitcom that has ugly characters. Ughhhhh the frustration of trying to convince people that the plot of this series is so good it's even similar to Gossip Girl season 1 and 2!
• He's home tomorrow, I'm thinking about buying something as a welcome home gift, which is a bit ridiculous cause his trip was 3 days, and I haven't the slightest idea of a decent gift, food probably works best.

Yoghurt cup #69: Death

• Growing up is not fun. The worst part is when you stand at one point, thinking that you haven't changed one bit since the time flew, and then you look back at the small but vital details and realize that you've grown into a completely different person it's ridiculous!
• Change is always fascinating to get used to, but, like my relation to the character in Midnight In Paris, the past has a mystery of a girl who is loved by every guy, but will never belong to anybody.
• Food heals, it's true. Well, more precisely, good food heals.
• I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and it's a good thing. French movies make me feel really really good after enjoying, don't know if there's more good French movies to watch hmmm...
• Anyways, short writing. I'm off to be a so-called adult.

my favorite things

Like that song in Sound of music, another all-time favorite musical of mine.

 This is the book that I'm currently reading, with a worse than hideous cover.

And this is the bookmark that is now in the book. This is a gift from my neighbor when she got back from Korea a couple of weeks ago. 

These are the infamous flowers that I mentioned yesterday.

 These are my favorite lipsticks: the YSL glossy stain #12 and the Shu Uemura rouge unlimited supreme matte #MCR 342. They play a role of my toys when I'm bored.

 This is my favorite blush which is Benefit's Coralista. It looks like a kid's toy at first but no kid's toy can be -that expensive in that size, and I always had this so-called self-ashamed time after I purchased any makeup product.

This is my favorite glass. I like it because it's big and can hold a lot more water than the other cups in my house therefore when I'm asking someone for water I'll get more than the rest. In the glass is my least favorite cereal ever but because ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten, I still treat them very ethically.

This is my favorite body mist that smells like moringa.

These are my favorite pens, all from Germany because I believe that Germany and Japan make the best stationery in the world.

This is my favorite postcard from Russia, which you have seen me featuring in my one hundred posts before. 

These are my favorite CD and DVD. I even got a tattoo out of the Mayer's record, you can imagine the situation. 

These are my favorite Danish butter cookies that I feel like I deserve to have after a long and hard day of doing absolutely nothing productive at all.

And this is my favorite me with my hair unwashed and my nails chipped off as usual, sitting in my yellow room taking no-face photos in front of a dirty mirror.

Yoghurt cup #68: 19

• I guess everything started when I was 19 years old. I think for me there was this invisible line placed somewhere in life that once I crossed it, I started experiencing things through a veil of glass, not deeply involved, but was exposed to what the world actually feels like. I started seeing cracks everywhere, even places that I was certain from birth was flawless. I grew up believing that there are sacred things that would never be throbbed, and they would somehow remain that way as time goes by. Only now do I understand the inspiration coming from dealing with the real wold, although what I've been going through was just quite shocking to a spoiled and over-thinking me, they weren't any overly dramatic events that made my life take turns or something.
• I started reading Kitchen yesterday I think. I've been accidentally watching and reading more than one movie/book about loss, and how people deal with it.  I think a me at the age of 18 wouldn't understand and be patient with the continuing of the book as I am now. But I've grown a little bit from then, and was feeling uncertain whether I should be glad or sad that I'm not myself from yesterday.
• I like buying makeups, like, the expensive ones. Not because I'm obliged to use them everyday, although I still do, just putting on random things like lipsticks or blushers or perfume samples. Just because I like to arrange them in my drawer, seeing them all in their places, and imagining myself taking them out of their bed, using them on my face, smelling them, having another good look at how carefully they're made, and then putting them back exactly where they come from. I don't know if it's the girl-side that's finally got a chance to show or if it's some kind of weird addiction. I could spend hours taking them out of the box, seeing how the packaging is made, how the product is so well-designed, finding a way to rearrange them somehow. That drawer is probably the only place that's always neat in this room.
• I like a room change. And I've had mine. Grandpa's moving here with us in a day or two, and we had to move half of the couch to my room to make some space for the living room. And I love the idea of having a really huge couch in this little room. I'm not sure whether it will change the atmosphere that I've been feeling for the past 5 or 6 years, but I adore a different aspect that I can discover. I finally have a spot where I can sit down and watch the people down there living a life. And my huge teddy bear won't have to sit unwanted on the stool next to my desk.
• When I crossed the market this morning, I got some flowers with the idea of finally having something to put into the thin and weirdly-shaped vase in the room. I got the vase for a surprisingly cheap price when going china shopping with a certain person, and not once, in the 3 or 4 months since I bought it, have I managed to find a single flower to put in it. Have to be honest I felt kind of ashamed of myself, because that empty vase was the proof that I only do things spontaneously and am a lazy bum who can't even find a stick of flower to complete whatever I started in my head when I paid for that vase. But now I do. Just simple tiny flowers in pink, purple and white, watching them bloom in my room kind of makes me feel, I don't know if it's similar to when I used to keep my fish in the room, that I want to do this on a daily basis. Not because I've discovered my talent in flower arranging, as my mom brutally commented on my piece of work that it 'looks like a witch's broom', but because it made me feel like I have a habit based on hobbies now. Hopefully this one will last longer than the other less-fortunate hobbies of mine.
• It's late and I have to answer some of the emails like a professional worker who's neglecting the fact that she's lazy and never try her best and then decide whether I should finish Kitchen tonight or have a good sleep instead.

random yogurt cup

• Oh well, holiday's officially over, and I'm at a loss for words when thinking about going back to school.
• I haven't had much me-time lately, for the longest time I could remember. Possibly because my job got a hold in me, and all of the leftover time I consumed in tumbling and sleeping and going out eating.
• Which led to the fact that I've gotten chubby. And yet ready to taste every good dishes in this city.
• I've discovered lots and lots of places which has lovely views and magnificent food. And frankly, my definition of magnificent food is that they fry with butter and roast veggies with melted cheese.
• But you can't deny that they're not good!
• I didn't do anything productive in my holidays, spent a load of money on food and makeups, as usual, slept like a bum, watched Japanese anime and idol movies, slept a little more, went out and took photos with flowers in the background to prove that I still had a life, ate some more food and babbled about how boring my life was.
• I'm trying to make my life look a little bit more bright, like positive thinking and bright-colored items around me. I literally have to carry my facial wash and mud mask bottles everywhere I go cause I have to move around a lot lately.
• I'll have to run to school to get the textbooks, and then "travel" down to my campus to attend classes, in the excruciating heat of the all-year-round tropical city. Wish me luck!

Valentine's day gift

I love you too!

* hearts flying hugging hugging kissing kissing *