I love being a bitch. I'm tired of being anything good. Not that i'm anything close to it.

"nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. nobody said it was easy,

but no one ever said that it would be this hard

i'm going back to the start"

Belief. Unfinished.

If someone asks me "what do you believe in?", i would answer without any hesitation "i believe in New York City". You may question how i can believe in a city, especially not the city from my country, but first, you don't have the right to judge other's belief, and second, i have my reasons.

The bizarre belief was the result of watching too many movies on HBO and Star Movies. Mostly Gossip Girl, The Devil Wears Prada, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist and Little Manhattan. Each movies bring me another side of the Big Apple, all beautiful and magical. In a grief time like this, i am ready to believe in the magical things i used to take for granted. I can name some of New Yorks famous spots, i can close my eyes imagining what it would be like if i was there, if i could touch my feet to the cold sidewalk of the shiny avenue. And every time a movie comes up with a familiar scene, i usually cry in joy: "That's New York! All the best movies are shot in New York!".

Mom's been to NYC, and she told me she was mostly overwhelmed and a little bit dizzy because of all the skycrapers. I envy her for being able to experience that feeling. I've never watched Breakfast At Tiffany's, but i'm sure i will. Audrey Hepburn portrayed the girl whom every girl finds herself in common. Girls believe in glamour, and how they lighten up our lives by the sparkles that sweetly dazzle the eyes when the sunlight visits. I have an imaginary character who lives in the most beautiful penthouse in New York, with the view to the city. And everyday, surrounded by the darkness of the room, she walks to the wide window, admiring the painting made by thousands of lightning bulbs.

Mom told me while we were watching Little Manhattan, there are lots of small parks like that. Me and your aunt used to snug in one and ate orange in there. I remember in one of my fictional stories i wrote i sent the two characters in a park like that once. That's probably one of the best things about New York, hidden behind the crapers' shadows lived a small world of wild flowers, of a carefully made stool, of a little romance in the "everything's possible" city. In movies, they always live in houses with elevator guards who open the door & press the button for them. The scene is always shot in the yellow tone of varnished walls, and there's always something about that person that makes the trademark of the old buildings. And in movies, there is always a scene of the girl catching a ridiculously numerous number of yellow cabs on the street. Only New York City movies. If you don't believe me, watch it yourself.

I sometimes think it's me in double. I get tired of the world i live in, i travel to another world and get lost in it. But New York in my imagination is too amazing to give up. It's the city where anything can happen, the city that never sleeps. There's magic above the chaos of work, above the coffee smell that haunts every person. If i ever get a chance to go to New York, and i'm sure i will, somehow, i will slowly walk on the street, sniff the smell of the favorite city, hands in my pocket ...

i'm sorry i can't picture myself having fun & enjoying life right now. That's why this post doesn't get the way i want. Here's a collection of photos that i love, go check it out.

"could you turn over here and smile for me?" - ...

Hopes.

In 12 hours, from 11am yesterday to 11am today, i've experienced all possible feelings a human being can have in life. Then i talked to her.

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Yesterday i was broken, crying in my room for 2 hours, screaming without a sound. Yesterday if mom opened the door i would run to her and cry on her feet saying i'm sorry and you were right. I thought, and i still think that i'm meant to lose everything i love. Even if mom doesn't believe me, i say i don't want her to know not because i'm afraid of the scold and the nags, i think after what i've been through, scolds & nags are just bruises compare to a wound. I don't want to tell her because i'm afraid of seeing her sad. I kept thinking yesterday if i hadn't been born in life maybe mom & dad would be happier. I'm the bad kid, i'm the headstrong kid, i'm the disobeyed kid. Maybe if they had had another instead of me, ... *shrugs*

I didn't allow myself to think positively as it means i was able to forgive myself & to get happy again. I still don't.

I went to school with tearful eyes this morning & the head teacher asked me why the puffy eyes, have you been spending the whole night crying. He told me you look screwed. I do, i am screwed. In recess, she turned to me and asked, can you look at me and smile. And from the bottom of my heart i did want to do it, and i tried, but i couldn't. Tears rolled down instead. She turned away with a bitter smile. There i knew i hurt someone.

I wrote in my phone this morning: "hope is the pet of your soul. You feed it with faith. Every once in a while, hope decides to jump out of your head and come true. But most of the time, it's starved to death." Life is a kinky bitch, and the smartest bitch ever. Noone outsmarts life, and noone tries to. If it's not that obvious, life hates me.

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Then i talked to her. I think in one's world, everyone plays a role of something. She plays the role of the healing person, a great friend anyone would envy one. As i listened to her words, i watched her leaning her head to the arm, her long dark hair softly flipped under the cold wind of July. Yesterday i wish i could have her calm and thinking. The talk, random, actually, was about life, about hope, about successful people and how they don't happen in our world, about parents, family, hardship. Normal subjects. But i felt better, stopped crying. Partly because i don't think i have any tears left to cry anymore. But i felt better, that's the part. I smiled back at her the smile i owed her from recess.

Special girl, most extraordinary girl i've ever met. Feels like in about 10 years to come, the man that wins her hearts has got to be a great man. If he's not, i feel like i could come right to his face, grab his shirt neck and spits at the douche's face.

Thank you. A million times thank you, friend.

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P/S: such crazy weather. I sneezed for a hundred times today & blew the whole 2 pockets of tissue! That with the fact i cried every 5 minutes really screwed me.

Nightmare.

I had a nightmare yesterday. My nightmare was Jill found my blogspot & gave it to everyone in my class. Then suddenly, it was flooded in comments about my writing & sense of music. It was a little bit dramatic to be a nightmare but i experienced feelings of anger that i was actually glad it came to an end.

You have nooo idea how happy i was typing spitmcgee.blogspot.com and saw the yellow "0 comment" line under each of my posts.

There was a moment when i thought having some readers to this blog might sound fun. Then again, i still need a secret world.