Hopes.

In 12 hours, from 11am yesterday to 11am today, i've experienced all possible feelings a human being can have in life. Then i talked to her.

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Yesterday i was broken, crying in my room for 2 hours, screaming without a sound. Yesterday if mom opened the door i would run to her and cry on her feet saying i'm sorry and you were right. I thought, and i still think that i'm meant to lose everything i love. Even if mom doesn't believe me, i say i don't want her to know not because i'm afraid of the scold and the nags, i think after what i've been through, scolds & nags are just bruises compare to a wound. I don't want to tell her because i'm afraid of seeing her sad. I kept thinking yesterday if i hadn't been born in life maybe mom & dad would be happier. I'm the bad kid, i'm the headstrong kid, i'm the disobeyed kid. Maybe if they had had another instead of me, ... *shrugs*

I didn't allow myself to think positively as it means i was able to forgive myself & to get happy again. I still don't.

I went to school with tearful eyes this morning & the head teacher asked me why the puffy eyes, have you been spending the whole night crying. He told me you look screwed. I do, i am screwed. In recess, she turned to me and asked, can you look at me and smile. And from the bottom of my heart i did want to do it, and i tried, but i couldn't. Tears rolled down instead. She turned away with a bitter smile. There i knew i hurt someone.

I wrote in my phone this morning: "hope is the pet of your soul. You feed it with faith. Every once in a while, hope decides to jump out of your head and come true. But most of the time, it's starved to death." Life is a kinky bitch, and the smartest bitch ever. Noone outsmarts life, and noone tries to. If it's not that obvious, life hates me.

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Then i talked to her. I think in one's world, everyone plays a role of something. She plays the role of the healing person, a great friend anyone would envy one. As i listened to her words, i watched her leaning her head to the arm, her long dark hair softly flipped under the cold wind of July. Yesterday i wish i could have her calm and thinking. The talk, random, actually, was about life, about hope, about successful people and how they don't happen in our world, about parents, family, hardship. Normal subjects. But i felt better, stopped crying. Partly because i don't think i have any tears left to cry anymore. But i felt better, that's the part. I smiled back at her the smile i owed her from recess.

Special girl, most extraordinary girl i've ever met. Feels like in about 10 years to come, the man that wins her hearts has got to be a great man. If he's not, i feel like i could come right to his face, grab his shirt neck and spits at the douche's face.

Thank you. A million times thank you, friend.

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P/S: such crazy weather. I sneezed for a hundred times today & blew the whole 2 pockets of tissue! That with the fact i cried every 5 minutes really screwed me.