yoghurt cup #104

• You know days like this will come Jenny. No surprise or anything.
• So much for selfish relationships. Next time if you ever feel like you'd rather have company than spend your time alone, remember how these "companies" make you feel. 
• Ugh low mediocre feelings I hate you. I'm too good to be bothered by all of this bullshit. 
• Where can I run to get my head out of abundance with all of these people? I know most of the time I'm fascinated with the way people act, but I guess this comes alongside with the observation. This is just another example that people consist of more ugly elements than nice ones, and that you can't just enjoy the good bits without having to taste the bad ones. 
• I think there's not exactly a scale that measures how terrible a person can be, it's just simply whether you're still enduring the stress or not. Comparing all of the terrible people that I've had the chance to encounter, I think they're just all equally so terrible, it's just that there are some I don't have to deal with anymore.
• I shouldn't be feeling like this, I just won a scholarship to study in Germany for a month and got chosen to participate in a seminar in Thailand next year. Jennehhhh every time you get upset just think about the awesome things awaiting you. Don't be bothered by all of this crap stuff.

yoghurt cup #103

• another identity crisis about why i'm not being awesome although i'm technically a lil bit too old to even have any identity crisis, both with personality and appearance
• i hate nights like this

some words before the big two one

• Oh hey this is exactly an hour and 33 minutes before the day when my Facebook is gonna (hopefully) flood in happy birthday messages and stuff. And where could be a better place to wait for that precious moment than this depressive blog that I swear my emotional life on right?
• Haha ok no more sarcasm, I'm gonna try stepping in the new day with a positive attitude as I've really been drowned in deadlines and lots and lots of things that required me to have to communicate with people so much to the point where I'm starting to put my thoughts usually only for private things on such people and things as well. And not until this afternoon I think when my mom came back with her apple cinnamon cake that honestly didn't taste much like an apple cinnamon cake, still good though, did I even think about turning 21.
• Is it even OK to freak out? Cause I really do right now. This feels almost like taking a test, partly because I did just take one of the most intensive tests and am still preparing for other two big ass ones, but the tension is real. One reason is because I honestly don't think people's gonna enjoy the cake, cause I seem to be the last standing person on the face of Earth that likes a cinnamon cake, and just the thought of seeing people like not wanting to eat the cake that my mom put so much work into just makes me nervous. Ugh this is just a show I hate a show why can't it just be like me inviting the teachers to have a bite and then that's it. Please no singing no clapping and stuff I only receive gifts haha. But really, I feel extremely awkward when put into such situations. It creeps me out just by thinking about it gahhh
• So, I'm just gonna make a summary just to remember this day, the day before I turn 21.
•  

• Age: 20 and 364 days and 22 hours and 40 minutes, according to my laptop
• Occupation: student, editor, tutor
• Amount of close friends: 5-6
• How was your day? Just ended this horrid German class with that obnoxious teacher, got scolded by the boss for messing up an article, received two basillion birthday wishing text messages from all kinds of shops, planning on deleting them all.
• What did you wear today? Hmm what did I wear? My trusty ol' white shorts that make me look like a guy but so comfortable I had to break down the barriers and my trusty ol' sweater from Oasis. No underwear. Blue Nikes.
• Current hair occupation: slightly ombre, almost ridiculously long and the hair ends are a true nightmare haha
• Dating occupation: what do you think?
• Missing anyone? Yes actually. One thing I still have to work on. Why are you in Canada?
• Things achieved this year: still managed to keep the job, got rid of those who needed getting rid of, participated in things I never thought I'd participate, got the chance to get to know more about more people, made valuable friends, knew a teeny tiny little bit how to play guitar, took up doodling again after what seemed like a thousand years, opened another blog, finally convinced my parents that a Macbook is a good idea.
• Things to crave for next year: a trip to Germany, come back from Germany and still be able to be friends with all my friends, still maintain a habit of writing a blog, no more romance bullshit and hurting myself, better hair ends, no more nail-biting (T.T), GRADUATE, meet more people, be less stupid and finally put my foot out of my mouth, be adequate in the TestDaF, control anger, give more gifts to people, send more postcards to people, still love everything that I do if not like now then even more, put even more passion in everything, and most importantly, meet as many little dogs and cats on the streets as my heart can desire.
• Love yourself more Schammm!
• Another reason to freak out is the fear of missing anything important in this post, and then when it turns tomorrow adding things to the post won't mean anything anymore.
• I think this should be it for now. I'll report more tomorrow. Have a wonderful sleep world.

Yoghurt cup #102

• Long time no write. Feels really like forever as I've forgotten about even owning a blog for the past month.
• These past couple of days have been especially hectic. I had no choice but to maintain a completely healthy lifestyle, one I'd never accomplished to do, in order to have energy to finish every deadline in this semester. That means saying goodbye to basically any type of confectionery and fast food, drinking a ridiculous amount of water and sleeping whenever I have a chance.
• But in the midst of deadlines I can still say that I'm happy. Sometimes this thought came to me, the only reason why I can manage to stuff 2 jobs, 3 subjects, each are as important as the other, and each come with two tons of homework, an internship reflection and the preparation for the TOEFL test, is because I truly love everything I'm doing.
• I guess I've always been unfair to the world by judging it so hard for the things others don't put their minds into. I feel like I'm walking on a circus robe with the only thing tying my feet and the robe is the passion for the things I do. If it's gone, I'm just gonna fall free exactly like the people that I've been judging. 
• But loving it or not, when people juggle with so many balls at once for such a long time, there will come a time when the balls fly out of their hand.
• And hence this post.
• I'm not this weak, I'm just a couple hours lack of sleep and spending one of the most tiring days since the semester started. Plus PMS. Everything's fine, I just feel like whining for a little while.
•  
• Tonight I listened to a couple of the German songs I used to listen to when I was in junior high, ugh the feelings. It's really something when you listen to a foreign song, purely because of its melody, not understanding a word being sung. Then by some randomly weird chance, you study the language, and on such a long and tiring day where nothing goes right like this, you listen to the songs and understand perfectly what it means, what it's been meaning all those years. It feels almost like a blind person seeing family faces for the first time. You know the voice, the muster of the faces, but can never put them together. Feels like everything makes sense now. It's complete.
• I never realized how much I love learning a new language until today, when I get the taste of how it feels to almost lose that love for a moment. Feels absolutely desperate. I think it's enough, you only realize the good things when it's gone.
• Short post, just cause it's such an emotional day for me, and because I haven't written anything personally for a while. This is crucial to balance the elements (I'm talking like that Lars von Trier movie again).
• Ok goodbye safety blanket, I have to flee back to real life tomorrow. Have a glorious life people!

Yogurt cup #101

• So, long time no see. I've put myself in yet another pile of things to do, without thinking much about whether I even have enough time to finish all of it. So typical me, never think much before anything.
• Weird things happened when I was at the beach. Just when I thought, ok I'm good now, I think I'm over him by now, he just came wasping back into my life, asking pointless questions like how I've been doing lately and all. I don't like these kinds of questions, because everytime asked, I find myself at a loss of what to answer. How am I supposed to answer such a question? I've been doing fine, living my awesome busy life and all, still shopping like a psychopath and getting lost every now and always?? There should be a book that teaches girls how to reply to questions like that with kick-ass mindblowing answers.
• And then he apologized. Not for anything in particular. But because I know him (or so I think), and I know uncertainty is one of his big characteristics, I know he's apologizing for that day at the movie theater. Why am I so sure? Because after I ignored his apology he even went back asking me if I hated him or not.
• Moment like this made me realize how I've raised my standards in guys. A month ago he was all I could think about, but then shit happened, and a month later I'm not even excited enough to reply to him, something which I never accomplished to do before.
• I really don't like meaningless actions like this. Because if you were gonna make an impact or really felt bad, then do something while you're not fucking 300,000 miles away. Now he's back to wherever he's from, too bored from hanging out with moose and made such a pointless apology, it just didn't change what'd happened.
• I guess because I've dealt with worse people and worse situations like this, I actually considered this a good move. Because after all, at least he felt bad about what he did, which made it a teeny bit easier for me to think good thoughts about him. I'm just never gonna be satisfied with human actions anyways, so what's the point.
• It's a good thing that because I stack so many long words in this blog, nobody's gonna spend so much time reading what I'm writing, that means I get to write whatever I want.
• Cam broke up with his boyfriend. This is the part where I've always feared, because if there's one thing she's good at, that is destroying herself. The scary thing about Camellia is that, although on the outside she's absolutely fine in just 2 days after the breakup, she's actually eating herself up inside and is putting every bit of energy she has to pull herself up to a standing position. She's like that mermaid in Andersen's story, where she dances so lightly when her feet feel like they're being stung by a thousand needles.
• So much for the last summer. 
• After a large amount of effort (and also a little blood), I've sucessfully pierced the 4 silver earrings on to my earlobes. The problem before was that the stick (you know the part of the earring where they go through your hole) was a little big for my piercing, that was why it was almost impossible for me to get the earring on to the ear. But with a lot of effort they finally made it. I haven't worn permanent jewelry in a long time, feels nice to try that out again.

The little things of me today:
~ favorite food blog: userealbutter.com
~ favorite colour today: orange (of my little notebook)
~ things to remember today: got the volunteer job at that international program
~ red lipstick is a savior

Yogurt cup #100: it ends tonight

• It's true what they say, when one door closes, two doors open. Today precisely marks the end of a lot of things that matter to me in the summer, and I thought I'd feel upset and stuff, but actually right now, when I'm putting on another facial mask to prove to the world that I do indeed take care of myself sometimes, it doesn't feel much heavy.
• He leaves today. I guess I haven't talked about what happened after the last post. I tried writing it down but given the context that this is the 100th yogurt cup it just doesn't feel right to write such angry or depressed words. I've gotten to the point when I'm just so scared to have to think bad about anybody. Carrying around negative feelings towards a person is no easy task, because every now and then when your mind wanders back to a memory about that person, you have to try to shut it down or switch to something else. So I've found a way to still think good things about him, we're never gonna meet again, might as well just keep nice memories about each other. Summer's always been an emotional time for me already, a couple of nice thoughts won't hurt anyone.
• I pm-ed him on Facebook the other day, asking him when he'd leave. It's the worst told lie ever because goodness do I memorize it. I thought he wouldn't answer given the situation that I texted him, with pretty heavy words, that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, and that although we're friends with benefits there should be a limitation to all of this. But he did answer, pretty nicely, so I just wished him well and that was it. I think in about a year or so whenI look back at this I'm just gonna blame myself for being too naive and for acting too much like an annoying teenager, but I'm never gonna stop blaming myself anyways, at least this time I can just pride myself on taking actions that bear slight resemblance to what adults normally do.
• Today was also the exam date of my Landeskunde class. The class was the only thing that kept me productive the entire summer, making me feel like I'm finally doing something beneficial, not just lying around thinking about boys. Although I don't think I did very well on the test, I think I'll pass. It's surprising how the thought of not getting to go to school 3 days a week kind of upsets me. The class was really fun, it felt almost like we're entering a TV show rather than a class studying about Swiss geography, educational system and economy. Oh well, I have about 3 or 4 weeks before school starts again, time to squeeze in another trip. If my mom ever allows me to go anywhere.
• I bought a silver ring the other day, just to kind of mark the end to all of this. I haven't bought any true piece of jewelry in such a long time, and the idea of buying jewelry as memory keeper is new to me, so I really wanted to try it out. But I'll have to refrain myself from buying too many rings and lose the meaning of it in the first place.
• Babbling much, but in the end I just wanna say, summer's really over. Everything that's happened feels like a whirlwind, it's so surreal to the point where I can't believe all of it could cram in such few sunny days. This might be the last "obligated" summer that I have before I finish school, so, might just spend the next couple of days well enough to start off a fresh year next year.