Yoghurt cup #79: about turning 20

• Hello earthlings, it's the 20-year-old-and-almost-a-month me speaking. 
• I'm 20 now. No more fooling around doing meaningless things. I'm so old now.
• Oh my God seriously what am I gonna be like when I turn 21, 22, 23, 27, 29, 30? Just thinking about the time and the responsibility and the vague future ahead of me scares me everyday. Most of the time I just feel like I haven't done anything much, just sitting around waiting for chances to come by, not actually get up and go look around.
• And yet I'm 20. Single as ever, long hair (thank goodness for that), one year left in university, not even a makeup lover anymore although now I wear makeups more than ever, wanting to write a letter in my journal but unfortunately I'm not home, I am, with no surprise, at my grandpa's house writing my blog on my stiff bed. I baked brownies on my 20th birthday, there was a ridiculously big storm that day in the city, and I was called by our class servant aka monitor at 4 in the morning to be informed that there would be no class in the morning. And as I peaked my eyes through the window the rain was heavier than ever, and the sky turned into this mysterious purple color that I'd always loved since I was a kid. And, as weird as it might have sounded, it was a good day. There were floods on the streets and the traffic was completely nuts, but I stayed at home, baked brownies and ate them with milk when they were fresh hot. I guess it was my birthday so I could not care about the surroundings for some time.
• As I walked home from the bus stop today I felt more tired, sleepy and hungry than ever. Probably because I only ate a crappy doner kebab in the afternoon and we had two back-to-back tests today in class, one was Linguistics and one was Advanced German, pretty serious stuff. Everytime I start to feel overboard I have this creepy little thought is that when the others can relax and probably go to bed early I have to sit here and finish my work. But, it wasn't a fair thing to say because I procrastinated so much that I couldn't have finished the job very early when I totally could've. Hah! All because of me!

Yes I have to take advantage when the city is getting a bit cold to rock some of the winter pieces of mine!

• Errr we didn't talk today. I kept thinking about that story of a friend of my mom, she divorced her husband because, although after all was set and done they did take some time to give it a shot, the words that were said were too hurtful that neither of them could let go and move on.
• And at the time I heard that story I was too young to understand what power words hold to make people feel so apart. I'd always thought it was something minor, until now.
• I have to admit there was some relief not to be the garbage bin that holds the unreasonable anger and jealousy, actually, it was a big relief because in a day when I return home completely exhausted and a bit ill, my head couldn't take any more of this drama. But for the first time in a while, I felt nothing. It was almost like that point when I was dumped and tried my best to drag myself out of the mess and finally did. It touched the point when I couldn't forgive with feelings anymore. 
• Such a shame isn't it? A waste of time as well. 
• Sorry to come back with such a sad story. 2013 is almost over and the only achievement I've made in this year is not to mess up with my hair at all. But behold, things are about to change because I'm thinking about dyeing my hair ombre.
• I have to go finish my work at go to bed early because honestly I have no strength left so live well, wherever you are.

Also, something that I found very inspiring:

1.     If you like someone, wait.
2.     Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
3.     Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
4.     Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
5.     Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
6.     Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
7.     Meet someone new, even just a friend.
8.     Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
9.     Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.
10.     Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are.
11.     Listen to new music.
12.     Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
13.     It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
14.     Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.
15.     Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
16.     Make new memories.
17.     Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
18.     Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
19.     Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time.
20.     Learn to love every bit of yourself.

Yoghurt cup #78: things

Well, of course, life is made up by things.

• The new boyfriend blue blouse that I bough from the flea market today that cheers me up so well.
• The bunch of perfume samples that I got for no reason. I don't know why I've been so deeply interested with using perfumes lately. And I have about 10 or more samples so I guess I won't have to even think about buying a full bottle in at least two months.
• The floral dress that (sadly, or gladly) that my mom looks better in than I do.
• Delicious crepes with delicious coconut-flavored ice cream.
• Braiding my hair.
• Getting to use the Chocomania shower gel. Which smells absolutely amazing.
• The Burberry Body perfume which lasts for-ever.
• Tomorrow's payday yay.
• Blue illustrated elephant.

Yoghurt cup #77: long time no see

• It seems like all of my recent (or not very recent) posts have all been posted ridiculously late at night. So here's a post that's (hopefully) posted at noon for a change.
• 8 posts away from reaching 500 posts. And yet half of them are drafts. Sigh.
• School has started, nothing much to say about it except the amount of homework and other work just suddenly landed on my head made me a bit taken aback and, although I'm happily enthusiastic to start a year with only German subjects, it still took me some time to get used to.
• And I don't know whether because my energy has all been spent on schoolwork and other things or because I started to get closer to those who can help me but I've been pushing everyone away. But not everyone everyone, just the everyone whom I've sensed the problems before, but still had the strength and energy to endure. But that everyone was a whole lot of people.

• Long story short, I'm honestly tired of spending time with people who won't understand and who can't find a decent subject to keep a conversation going other than talking about themselves.
• After a bunch of things happening right - in - front - of - my - eyes - and - right - to - my - feelings, I find myself not wanting to have any contact with her for at least two weeks ahead. The fact that they're together all the time, and how they kind of push me away to have more time to spend together, and excuse me I won't dare to interrupt you guys and your holy relationship I just wanna make sure my work gets done, kind of (if not too obviously) gets to my nerves.
• I don't believe in such fast relationships. With the exception of falling in love, which I don't think she's capable of doing because she doesn't have the ability to care about anyone particularly, every other relationship needs time to bloom. Don't wasp into my face those 3-month theory of yours and say to me that oh, she gets me perfectly and because she's a lesbian and is willing to flee to my house everyday to talk and stuff. Honestly I despise those kinds of relationship when they think they know it all when in reality there's no foundation, and I can see the cracks and the vision of them cuddling in my house talking to me about how could it end up like this. I won't welcome you to my door.
• For all of those reasons, I'll say that for the great of good, and for the sake of my uncontrollable mouth, I'll stay away from the "couple" for a while, until I no longer have any hatred towards them, or worse, their presence becomes familiar to my eyes.

• And yet people like that is perfectly accepted in this world. She could say something which I think is completely inappropriate to a friend of hers, and he still worships her and kneels down to her feet, but just imagine me saying something wrong. What a scenario.
• But yeah, everything happens for a reason. I'm the bad person who hates on other people here.
•  
• I don't know why I've been superbly cranky the past couple of days. Maybe because of the work pressure combined with all of the studying in university and the pressure of how on Earth to meet with the request in my English course stress.
• I knew this English learning thing would be a bad idea, I just didn't think how it could crush me this easily. I think my mom believes too much in my ability to magically learn two languages, with the same amount, at the same time, and still manage to look human. I'm not a saint you know, I can't do everything!?!!
• When. Will. This. Be. Overrrrr? If only I could drop one of the balls that I'm juggling with. That would be really nice :((
• Goal for this week: deal with everything without complaining too much (because not complaining at all is quite impossible, you must start somewhere, right?); find myself some me-time; work out a little bit more; try not to spend too much money cause you know, you won't get paid until next week.
• And try not to think about quitting your jobbbbb not now Jennyyyy :((
• I'm just gonna go add some meaningless photos into this post to make it look more appealing and look what time it is now, I said I was gonna post it at noon. And it wasn't even today's noon, it was the noon from 3 or 4 days ago I believe. May I present you, the queen of procrastination.

Yoghurt cup #76: The things that have happened that fucked up my mind constantly

• God knows how many things have happened in my trip. Just being around my sister in her 90 last glorious days before she gets married kind of changed everything.
• I'm gonna have to say the breakup incident has taken me to an unexpected journey that lasts through the entire summer. I would write all of them in a book or grab someone interested to tell them about all the things that have happened but I wouldn't know how to end such a story like that.
• Haha I was going to talk about how he appeared on my Facebook feed with my boss, and then someone commented "why don't you guys date already?" and then the ugliest and most shameful thought just grew out of my head, but apparently there have been a lot of he's to talk about in my summer, he's just gonna be one of them.
• It's all bad timing. The Lord really knows how to give people the opportunity to learn new things.
• Wild thoughs moment: this is all preparation, because I didn't have any experience last time, but I guess I'll still stay like this even though I've been through years of experience. If magically somehow it works, it won't last for long. Something's gonna go wrong, and this time, I won't have anyone to run back to like last time. 
• And I'll lose a friend who means so much to me, in a much more painful way.
• He always has his ways of making me feel like I'm accepted no matter what. No matter what I dress, what I say, all of the crazy things I did and all of the breakdowns I've been through, I can tell he still sees me as the same person. And I really don't know to express how thankful I am just knowing someone like that is still somewhere in this world. Makes me believe at the end of the day, when I'm laying my head rest and all of the ugly things in the world come dancing on my chest, I can just tell myself, oh, it's ok, I'll just tell him about it sometimes and he'll understand.
• Not necessarily that I have to tell him about every-single-incident that have happened in my life, although up until now I kind of have been, because it would be a selfish thing to do. He can just take a glance at my simple life and know where my problem is, whereas I'm drowned in his personal life although I'm just still standing on the outside looking in.
•  
• He's leaving tomorrow. Everything that has happened around him has been somewhat the most unexpected and spontaneous and everyone would be pointing their finger at me laughing at my stupidity for actually falling for someone like that.
• If I wrote a novel about the three guys who took my summer to a journey, he would be the least to write about. Instead, the storyline would go as how I've been living without him, and how I fight the thoughts of people keep telling me that he actually has feelings for me.
• I think I learned from the experiences that happen around the dates that I have with him rather than the dates themselves. It would be random stories of doing normal things throughout the day and then something hits me and I realize it reminds me of him, and I convince myself it's ridiculous to even think about it and then carry on.
•  
• Third one was actually the key point. It was the cause of all of this. Up until now, all I have in mind when I think about him was worry. But I can't set my foot too deep anymore because one, I don't have the right anyways, and two, if I set one foot in, I'll just get myself attached to something that I know won't go anywhere.
• I sincerely hope he's ok, I can find my way out of that maze in my quest for the summer journey, but now that I don't know about his journey anymore, I'm not sure how he copes.
• I'm out of things to write about this. Maybe another time then.

Yoghurt cup #75: short torn thoughts

• Facing the only place where I can feel most true, I can't help but having to ask myself one question, sincerely and considerately: what are you doing?
• I feel like a shadow covering patterns on a marbled floor. Not a fully formed creature, depends deeply on outer events, always feels nervous of vanishing once there's no more light. I don't really know what I'm doing, I can't guess my feelings anymore. I was having this thought, just do whatever the heck basic instincts tell you to do, because eventually the overall sadness of yours is going to shadow this one detail about how you could let yourself get into a kind of relationship that you don't, even for one second, believe in.
• Every once in a while people let themselves do something so out of the rules. But I didn't just let myself, it was so bland a relationship that I didn't even have to pick myself up in order to get used to it.
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• When I told my mom the other day, I think the only thing she needs to do right now is wait, like I did, like everyone around that age did, she's a much better person than I am, I kind of regret it. All of the weak and humiliating things about myself were never said out loud. We all know they're there, but just saying the thing out loud really did make me believe I'm that kind of person.
• I'm having a daily routine now, get up at 8.30, breakfast, do the 12 o'clock article, lunch, take a short nap, go to English class for about 2 hours or 3, get back home or flee to somewhere with food, have dinner at home or not, get back to the articles and emails, go to bed relatively late, repeat. I'm not sure if it's even a good thing to form a schedule, it feels almost like I'm trapped in some kind of cage. But I don't sleep for a terribly long time in a day anymore, so I guess everything has its benefits.
• If there is one thing that really can scare me right now, it would be that I can't speak to you anymore. This summer has gone on very weirdly I don't want any interruptions that make me any more unbalanced than I already am.

Yoghurt cup #74

• It felt like the first time I wanted to hold his hands. I remember it was another hang-out date that we had to get me out of that boring English class. We were walking that road near the biggest department center in the city, I was wearing the same nail polish color, dressed in jeans and a striped T-shirt. I wanted to hold his hands so badly that I did it, like a normal gesture that you do when someone's hand is so close to yours, pretending (or not) that I needed someone to hold on to when crossing the street. We were both happy, I think, with nothing on our minds, no jobs, no incidents, no arguments and breakups and hurtful words. We were nothing to each other, and I had to really hold myself back every night when the thought about him crept in because what if he doesn't like me back?
• I think he knew what was going on today, I was really thankful when he touched my hand, basically the same feeling when I first held his hand, but in a darker, more desperate way. We were there, on that windy rooftop, holding each other with every single feeling in the world, but without an easy way to express it, because considering the current situation, every movement is inappropriate. If I hadn't have this stubborn character, maybe it would still have worked.
• I really wanted to cry today, when we were on the rooftop, just to let it out when I still could. But somehow I couldn't. Not wanting to know about him anymore. And then what? Pretending to talk like nothing had happened, like you didn't just lie there crying yourself out for nights and nights, but the mere thought of still being able to talk to him still thrills you to the bone. And then what? Being on a date with him, having him acting sweet and caring and smiling at you with the smile that you know he only has with certain people. And then what? Having him kiss you unexpectedly when you can't even think or cry anymore. And then what?
• Then what?
• Have I run out of my chances? I can't balance myself anymore between wanting desperately to be with him all the time, talking to him about every single detail about the world and hearing him talk about how cameras are made around the world and what are you doing you're hurting yourself. It's like using drugs to reduce pain, when it wears off, you can feel the pain crawling back to your body slowly, turning into something you're no longer familiar with. And there you are, alone in the dark, fighting a new kind of pain desperately when all you think about is another dose of drugs to make this go away for one moment.
• Because most of the time I can't figure anything out, I've been letting instinct having its way. Oh well, you can't get any more desperate than this, might as well do what you think is best at the moment.
• It's terribly late at night. When will this be over?