Ice cream cone #91

• It's funny how every time I run into something that I need to blog about, I think about it too much, to the point where I forget where I began. That's why when I try to write on days like that, I usually don't even know where to start.
• I'm really scared thinking about the future, about the things that are going to knock me down. There are days when that motto "the best days of your life haven't happened yet" doesn't have the strength to hold me up anymore. These couple of days definitely haven't been that best days that I was expecting last week. 
• Honestly I was astonished at how heavily the news did its impact on me. I just simply thought, oh well, it's over by now, I can pride myself on saying that emotionally, I've been well. But I guess sooner or later, I'll find out about the bottom of this. Contrary to what lots of people want me to do, which is to sit down and confront that person to confirm if it's all true, the more I hear about it, the more I want to keep myself away, the farther the possible to that character. I don't want to have anything at all to do with it anymore, I just wanna keep all of the toxic people out of my life. 
• It's hard though, to say the least, thinking back about all those time and then convince myself that it's all just a lie terribly told in exchange for some cheap opportunity that don't even mean anything by now. When I said about how someone should paint one of the milestones red in my relationship so that I could be alarmed about how rotten it was, they should paint it on the first milestone. It's a fucked up relationship in the first place. 
• I'm in no position to think any good about this person. I feel like everything, including the gifts, the text messages, the phone calls, the sorry notes, anything that makes me sick to the guts to name are just a bunch of stinking dog shit that was thrown at me. I had every intention to burn all of the gifts first thing when I got home, but then I thought, shoes are not guilty, and some homeless girl out there could have them, not knowing that they were bought by a shit-faced character as bribing gift. I have this vision if I sit down and ask if all of this were true, every word that I'd receive would be another pile of lies. I have to thank it though. Thank you for making me realize how actually terrible a person can be, and how after so many devious attempts to take advantage of others, they're still a ginormous loser. 
• I'm gonna get through this, in one way or another. Maybe after some watches of Perks of being a Wallflower and some pieces of makeups. I'm gonna be okay at last, but I guess some nights you don't go to sleep with happy thoughts :)

Ice cream cone #90: a weird day

• When I started out this yogurt cup/ice cream cone thing I thought numbering the posts would be a good idea, as I can keep track of where my thoughts flow and how they gradually change as the numbers go bigger. And that was pretty much how it works. I think the yogurt cups are the most accurate scale of how I became such a person, as I don't write them that often, cause I always feel like being at a loss for what to say each time I do two of them in a short time.
• I always had this notion in my head is that, what would I react if I saw myself in the future. Would I hate my future self for being too old and unnecessarily mature, or would I find myself such a badass? 5 years from now I might not have time to write blog anymore (although I sincerely hope that I will), have a job, have a closetful of working clothes and a counter full of makeups. I might start to worry about premature wrinkles, or how much sugar my boyfriend (presumably that I'd have a boyfriend by then) consumes everyday and such and such. I might just be anybody but myself at that moment. Normally I'd find that thought exciting as I love changes, and I'm trying very hard to be positive about the future, but right now the thought scares me, I'm going to turn into someone I don't even know.
• Reading back the yogurt cups I just realized how immature I was back then, with all of the things that happened in my relationship and last summer and my 19th birthday. You simply can't write the same after such stuff. That also makes me wonder what will happen next, and how drastic will my writing change because of these ongoing things. 
• This post is by far full of confusion haha. 
• I'm lining up some ideas for the photo-blog so that I won't get brainwashed during sleep and forget everything tomorrow: repost unpublished Hanoi photos, repost unpublished Flower Street photos and post the new rooftop shoot. Three upcoming posts so far, hmmm soooo exciting!
• Another idea is that I'll take photos of all of my favorite things in summer and put them in a post. Like, sweets, places, smells, colors, music and stuff. I'm starting to feel like the photo-blog is leaning on the personal side again and I'm doing it for my own pleasure. Oh well, if that's the case then I guess I just had another source of inspiration.
• So, briefly about today, I ran into 2,5 at the Cakes & Ale bakery, while I was sitting with Camellia talking about how she saw her crush going to the movies with (yet) another girl looking all intimate and stuff. I was talking too, about how I'm preparing myself mentally for that summer breakdown that I know somehow I will have. 
• I should've realized how fucked up this relationship with him a long time ago, probably from last summer, and should've had the strength to break it off and save myself that lot of time. Now thinking back at all of the milestones of the relationship, they would've painted a milestone red about 10 or 12 miles before the end, but I guess I was scared, and weak, and didn't know myself that well back then to realize the warning. But well, you learn something new everyday.
• As much as I hate to admit it, because it makes me sound like a terrible friend, I don't like being upset for too  long. People who think too much, are subjective and have a tendency towards literature often enjoy the trauma, according to my observance. It serves as an inspiration to them, just the same as my tragic little stories give me material to write a long blog post every now and always. But in all honesty, although they probably don't feel like it, I don't like to emotionally torture myself that way. But the reason why I always wind up being in the same situation as them is because: I get bored too easily. When life is peaceful again and all of my friends are nice and I'm enjoying this single life, I get bored, that's why I have to go on and find myself a drama. And what drama could be faster and more explosive than a guy? So in summary, I literally scatter my emotions and actions around just for the mere reason of boredom, and hell do the karma come back.
• I just really hope this new Lana Del Rey record is good enough to get me through 3 months of summer.

Another good one. People read Chicken Soup, I read this.

"
You are stronger than you realize.
You are more cruel than you realize.
The smallest words will break your heart.
You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
Never stop yourself from texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9:30 a.m., tell them again.
Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
You will be scared of all kinds of things— of spiders and clowns and eating alone— but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes, someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners, but still fill a bed.
Always be friends with broken people. They know how to survive.
You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
You will be okay.
You will be okay.
"

Ice cream cone #89: another eventful weekend

• So basically in the last post I just summed up a few events that was happening to me then. Now I'm gonna sum up what's been happening to me in a more recent timeline.
• Remember that guy that I was flirting with? Well, he made his pick, and decided to go after a girl who was unbelievable, in terms of character, appearance and morality. Lol way to go. I backed out the very moment I heard he was going after some other girl, not needing to know who it was. If there's one lesson I've learned after my 2 and a half year relationship, it is going to be, never let your emotions get the best of you. After I heard who he was after, I was like, screw him, I'm waaaaaay better than that. Bitch mode: on.
• Right in the days when I'm, nevertheless, still a bit gutted about the above news, that summer fling kid decided that it was a good time to check on me on facebook. You have to understand the situation is that, after the breakup I changed a lot, in terms of thinking with more sense, protecting my feelings from guys and indulging myself. So when I approach the guy in university, and probably when I approached a few guys before him, I was in a safe position where I could see everything clearly, and could back out whenever I felt like it wasn't fun anymore (which is now, how impeccable). That made me think, oh gooooood, I'm evolving, I'm partially immune from guys now, it's a good sign.
• And then he started talking to me, saying that he'll be back this June and wants to hang out and shit. And clear as crystal do I know what will actually happen in those hangout dates. But the problem is, I knew him when my mind wasn't immune, so all of the protections that I have on right now kind of doesn't work on this guy.
• I've been trying to think of terrible sad things that I will have to endure if I let this go too far, so that I won't get too excited and lose control and do shit that I'll regret the entire summer. One emotionally damaged summer is so enough. He knows how to get me though, being all caring and soft, and to be honest, in my darkest moments this year, when I felt more alone than ever, my mind still wandered around the thought whether he would come back at all, and if he did, would he call me up again, cause I thought it was something like a sign that confirmed that he really liked me or something. And then it did happen, and I felt more like shit than ever now that I have to recall all of the shitty feelings that I had to deal with last time when he was gone. So if I can hope for anything right now, I'll only hope for strength, and clarity in vision, so that I won't stupidly hurt myself again and buy 3123 pieces of makeup in hopes of healing.
• So yeah, my summer has started its own routine without me being able to control it. Wish me luck on this hailstorm full of weirdos guys, I'm gonna need it.
• Another thing, head over to my photography blog to observe my trip to escape the heat of the city through a bunch of tacky photos. Thanks so muchhhhh *hearts fly*

Photo source: Tumblr