I love being a bitch. I'm tired of being anything good. Not that i'm anything close to it.

"nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. nobody said it was easy,

but no one ever said that it would be this hard

i'm going back to the start"

Belief. Unfinished.

If someone asks me "what do you believe in?", i would answer without any hesitation "i believe in New York City". You may question how i can believe in a city, especially not the city from my country, but first, you don't have the right to judge other's belief, and second, i have my reasons.

The bizarre belief was the result of watching too many movies on HBO and Star Movies. Mostly Gossip Girl, The Devil Wears Prada, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist and Little Manhattan. Each movies bring me another side of the Big Apple, all beautiful and magical. In a grief time like this, i am ready to believe in the magical things i used to take for granted. I can name some of New Yorks famous spots, i can close my eyes imagining what it would be like if i was there, if i could touch my feet to the cold sidewalk of the shiny avenue. And every time a movie comes up with a familiar scene, i usually cry in joy: "That's New York! All the best movies are shot in New York!".

Mom's been to NYC, and she told me she was mostly overwhelmed and a little bit dizzy because of all the skycrapers. I envy her for being able to experience that feeling. I've never watched Breakfast At Tiffany's, but i'm sure i will. Audrey Hepburn portrayed the girl whom every girl finds herself in common. Girls believe in glamour, and how they lighten up our lives by the sparkles that sweetly dazzle the eyes when the sunlight visits. I have an imaginary character who lives in the most beautiful penthouse in New York, with the view to the city. And everyday, surrounded by the darkness of the room, she walks to the wide window, admiring the painting made by thousands of lightning bulbs.

Mom told me while we were watching Little Manhattan, there are lots of small parks like that. Me and your aunt used to snug in one and ate orange in there. I remember in one of my fictional stories i wrote i sent the two characters in a park like that once. That's probably one of the best things about New York, hidden behind the crapers' shadows lived a small world of wild flowers, of a carefully made stool, of a little romance in the "everything's possible" city. In movies, they always live in houses with elevator guards who open the door & press the button for them. The scene is always shot in the yellow tone of varnished walls, and there's always something about that person that makes the trademark of the old buildings. And in movies, there is always a scene of the girl catching a ridiculously numerous number of yellow cabs on the street. Only New York City movies. If you don't believe me, watch it yourself.

I sometimes think it's me in double. I get tired of the world i live in, i travel to another world and get lost in it. But New York in my imagination is too amazing to give up. It's the city where anything can happen, the city that never sleeps. There's magic above the chaos of work, above the coffee smell that haunts every person. If i ever get a chance to go to New York, and i'm sure i will, somehow, i will slowly walk on the street, sniff the smell of the favorite city, hands in my pocket ...

i'm sorry i can't picture myself having fun & enjoying life right now. That's why this post doesn't get the way i want. Here's a collection of photos that i love, go check it out.

"could you turn over here and smile for me?" - ...

Hopes.

In 12 hours, from 11am yesterday to 11am today, i've experienced all possible feelings a human being can have in life. Then i talked to her.

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.

Yesterday i was broken, crying in my room for 2 hours, screaming without a sound. Yesterday if mom opened the door i would run to her and cry on her feet saying i'm sorry and you were right. I thought, and i still think that i'm meant to lose everything i love. Even if mom doesn't believe me, i say i don't want her to know not because i'm afraid of the scold and the nags, i think after what i've been through, scolds & nags are just bruises compare to a wound. I don't want to tell her because i'm afraid of seeing her sad. I kept thinking yesterday if i hadn't been born in life maybe mom & dad would be happier. I'm the bad kid, i'm the headstrong kid, i'm the disobeyed kid. Maybe if they had had another instead of me, ... *shrugs*

I didn't allow myself to think positively as it means i was able to forgive myself & to get happy again. I still don't.

I went to school with tearful eyes this morning & the head teacher asked me why the puffy eyes, have you been spending the whole night crying. He told me you look screwed. I do, i am screwed. In recess, she turned to me and asked, can you look at me and smile. And from the bottom of my heart i did want to do it, and i tried, but i couldn't. Tears rolled down instead. She turned away with a bitter smile. There i knew i hurt someone.

I wrote in my phone this morning: "hope is the pet of your soul. You feed it with faith. Every once in a while, hope decides to jump out of your head and come true. But most of the time, it's starved to death." Life is a kinky bitch, and the smartest bitch ever. Noone outsmarts life, and noone tries to. If it's not that obvious, life hates me.

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.

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Then i talked to her. I think in one's world, everyone plays a role of something. She plays the role of the healing person, a great friend anyone would envy one. As i listened to her words, i watched her leaning her head to the arm, her long dark hair softly flipped under the cold wind of July. Yesterday i wish i could have her calm and thinking. The talk, random, actually, was about life, about hope, about successful people and how they don't happen in our world, about parents, family, hardship. Normal subjects. But i felt better, stopped crying. Partly because i don't think i have any tears left to cry anymore. But i felt better, that's the part. I smiled back at her the smile i owed her from recess.

Special girl, most extraordinary girl i've ever met. Feels like in about 10 years to come, the man that wins her hearts has got to be a great man. If he's not, i feel like i could come right to his face, grab his shirt neck and spits at the douche's face.

Thank you. A million times thank you, friend.

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P/S: such crazy weather. I sneezed for a hundred times today & blew the whole 2 pockets of tissue! That with the fact i cried every 5 minutes really screwed me.

Nightmare.

I had a nightmare yesterday. My nightmare was Jill found my blogspot & gave it to everyone in my class. Then suddenly, it was flooded in comments about my writing & sense of music. It was a little bit dramatic to be a nightmare but i experienced feelings of anger that i was actually glad it came to an end.

You have nooo idea how happy i was typing spitmcgee.blogspot.com and saw the yellow "0 comment" line under each of my posts.

There was a moment when i thought having some readers to this blog might sound fun. Then again, i still need a secret world.

Music that changed my life.

No need to say, i think all of you know how glad i am to have the laptop back. And i've been spending a lot of time reading real bloggers writing including the fact that i can't get access to facebook (which made me indescribably glad) made me think i'm gonna blog in theme.

Music has been my life since, ... ever. I remember a four-year-old me singing folk songs pretending i'm attending some kid's competition. There are some albums that i think contributed a great deal of making my character. It didn't turn out to be something beautiful & i never admitted i'm a good person, but without music, i think i'd be out there murdering right now. Who knows.

1. John Mayer- Continuum

This is, for sure, my most played album in the iPod. I play regularly every track of the album. And every track sticks to a time or an event that i've been through since 11th grade. I have to thank David Archuleta for introducing me to this smart & talented man who changed my mind. Now thinking back i really have no idea why i downloaded it in the first place. It's not the catchy music that's captivating in 30 seconds of trial on iTunes. I think normally i wouldn't have downloaded it. But i did. And i thank that decision of mine every time i pick up the iPod. Every song is a story, is a lesson of life. In his latest album, Battle Studies, his voice became smooth & sweet. That turned out to be a disappointment as in Continuum, John sounds a bit rough an, in my opinion, unprofessional. It's the voice of a guy still trying to figure out what life wants after all these years. I really don't know how many nights i turned this on as my bitter lullaby.

Recommended tracks: well it depends on you. This is an album with easy-to-listen tracks & hard-to-listen tracks. I personally like all. Especially ... oh what am i saying? I can't even pick one!

2. Keane- Hopes & Fears

I've been hearing about Keane for a long time now, but i never gave them a try. I don't have much faith in English musicians, but i found two tracks of the album, Bends & Break and Bedshaped, in a least likely person's iPod. And, as aggressive as i was, i downloaded the whole album but never listened to it for a while. Then one day when i was bored of the cheesy teen-pop that has been invading Bill the black music player, i listened to Keane. This is an album that makes you look at the bright side of life. Even in gloomy tracks like She Has No Time or Sunshine. It was until i was completely in love with the album did i understand why Keane stood out in the UK show business. The first-ever track i ever listened to was We Might As Well Be Strangers. And as strange as it may seem, the first track that i listen to always turns out to be my least favorite track. The love of Keane is not bitter & sarcastic like John's, it's the bright love of second chances, of commitment. If Continuum is a declaration of character, Hopes & Fears, like the title speaks, is more of bruised feelings that somehow i find myself having common.

Recommended tracks: I really love Bedshaped, This is the last time & Somewhere only we know.

3. Ryan Cabrera- Elm St.

I have to warn you, this is an extremely hard to find album. I remember having so much difficulty finding it, and finding it again after the iPod-wipe-out-accident. I'm a very picky acoustic listener, and i give this album a 5 out of 5. This is probably the album with simplest background music. Two base guitars, i think, trumpet, self-background vocal. Yet it made the difference. The first track that i listened to was Yesterday's Gone. It was easy to fall in love with the song. The honesty in his voice is the one thing i respect in the album. Cabrera's later album were losing the honesty. This album was limitedly released, with over 1000 copies released. Maybe because of the condition that made it the most honest album i could find. I can't actually make out the tracks in the album but in general, it's a beautiful album by all means of that word. This music brings back my kindness, the fragile & sparkling feelings of childhood, of sunshine & every precious memory i keep in my box. The music bears resemblance to some of the songs i used to hear over the balcony when i lived with my grandparents. It was partly the resemblance that make me so emotional when i listen to it. I don't listen to Elm St. when i'm angry or sad. I listen to it when i'm in my best condition, like right now, sitting in the living room writing about music. Life-changing.

Recommended tracks: Lost & Found, Spanish Song, Reasons, Lost Again. It's a pretty easy-to-listen album. Any tracks are good.

4. Lifehouse- No Name Face

I listened to Lifehouse since i was 12. No Name Face in my opinion is their best album & one of the first ones. Jason Wade's voice in this album exposed all of the magic part it could have. When i was twelve, i didn't know anything about strong bass or good taste in music, i just kept listening to Hanging By A Moment over and over for no reason. Wade's voice has a powerful strength of a rocker but yet the softness as if he was telling you a story. I'm not an alternative rock person, and i might be a little too personal about judging this album, but this is the music i grew up with. I don't know if this album helped me build any brick of my character house, i think the fact that i've been listening to it so much affected me in some way.

Recommended tracks: Hanging By A Moment, Sick Cycle Carousel, Quasimodo, Somebody Else's Song.

5. Vanessa Hudgens- V

It's time for some girl to speak. It is extremely unlikely that i recommend this album but this was the music i listened to when i had the biggest meltdown/emotional breakdown of my life yet. It was in 8th grade when i listened to this album. This is one of the rare albums that i refused to download & listened to the CD. Actually the CD was a birthday present from my once-used-to-be bestfriend. The album starts very commercially & catchy, then turns a bit bitter, this is also my favorite part of it, then turns a little dark, then bright again. It's an interesting work to enjoy. Despite Hudgens' character, this album is everything a girl needs when they go through high school phase. It's a bit bitterness, a bit revenge, a bit confidence, and a bit bossy. It's for confident girls who owns everything. It's also for loser girls who don't have anything. Hudgens' voice in the album is very girly, unpredictable, shy, yet strong & naughty in some parts. It's the voice that made this album special to me.

Recommended tracks: Drive, Afraid, Make You Mine.

6. Daniel Merriweather- Love & War

Merriweather is another guy to watch in the UK market. I first knew about him through his single Change. It was catchy, and i didn't expect the album to be that good. Merriweather's music is the blusy, soulful music that we see everyday in boulevards, but the way he puts himself into the album made it worthwhile. A lot of my friends questioned my choice of why i like him that much. Well, i chose to listen to him only. When i watched his video Red, he was just another guy who had stupidly big earrings & tattoos. But the way he expressed himself through songs like Live By Night or Water & A Flame was the reason why i think this guy is different. This is a very colorful album, it doesn't have any bright colors that burns your eyes, the colors are neutral yet combined turned out to be interesting. I've been listening to it for a year now and i still love it.

Recommended tracks: Live By Night, Chainsaw, For Your Money, Giving Everything Away For Free.

7. Brooke White- High Hopes & Heartbreak.

I will probably write a recommendation for Songs From The Attic but since i lost the album & haven't had the time to re-download it, this album is pretty good too. Brooke has been one of my favorite contestants since i first saw her performing Jolene. And the song Free in her album, i listened for 173 times. Brooke is not the one who can sing catchy tunes, her tunes are soft & a bit rough, good rough. And the fact that her album title is a brilliant title made this album one of my favorites. When i listened to Radio Radio, i didn't like it very much. It was a bit too commercial-like, not something Brooke can do well. The other tracks are really good though. People seem to judge this album really hard based on her cover of Use Somebody. Can i be honest? I like every female cover of the song, the original, not so much. Brooke has always been an emotional person and i love how she brings that specialty in every song.

Recommended tracks: California Song, Smile, Phoenix.

Aah that's it. I was up until 12 last night trying to finish this. I think i'm gonna do another one about my favorite songs (:

I think the one feeling that keeps people doing something is that finding something beautiful after finding something beautiful. That's the heart of life.

Yoghurt cup #25

I'm getting a bit tired of yogurt cups. But i figured there's no other way to make blogging easier, think i gotta stick to that one.

Oh i am so bored.

• I'm in my 4-day jeans. Sometimes i doubt if i was a very very messy person in my last life.
• Starting to think finding someone who has MY taste of music is impossible in my range.
• Or just at least know who John fucking Mayer is. And he is NOT someone who used to date Jessica Boobs-job Simpson!
• Am i the only McFan who listens to stuff other than McFly? I mean, i love them, but spending the day listening to a couple of songs over and over again is not how i plan my life.
• I have Literature homework, Chemistry homework, and i'm blogging about my so-called inner feelings.
• Went to the zoo today. Realized having a brother is sooo out of my league.
• But then again, if i have a sibling, maybe the parents won't pay so much attention on me.
• I have parental problems.
• I'm reading Peter Pan.
• And it's getting annoying so i'm gonna stop here.

The Rufus Humphrey photo was supposed to be an animation! Don't possess against me blogspot!

Ah yes. Today, although it's only 4:30pm right now, has been an eventful day. And the eventful condition will continue when i can get my fucking ass off from the Math class.

Well, i broke mom's laptop screen & dad thought because i poured some water in it, the screen magically broke like that. No actually i dropped the darn thing, my toes got stuck into one of the wires & pulled the laptop down.

It probably will cost about $100 to fix that. One drop and that's how it goes.

I'm so ready fo my punishment.

I wonder what mom will be like when she sees that. We've got that laptop for about a month now and i broke it. She'll flip, obviously, yell at me, sigh (that's the creepiest part). I'm trying o think of other things that'll happen to me so that when she gets home i won't be surprised about her reactions.

Actually this is what will happen in real life: she'll get home, dad's gonna tell her the news and she'll act the way i'll never predict.

Consider me dead.

Fletcher's birthday.

Today's Tom Fletcher's birthday.

I went to tumblr, as usual and it was flooded with messages & photos & shout-outs & songs. I think this is the biggest celebrity birthday i've ever attended. The funny part is that, while on tumblr people are getting hysterical about this so-called McFly national holiday, my real world is silence. None of my friends are online in my messenger list, mom went out, left me in charge with lunch, which i absolutely hate, my neighbor isn't up yet. Just me & the laptop.

What makes me feel good about today isn't mostly because it's Tom's birthday, it's because for the first time, i'm actually a part of something big, something fun. I think when Tom wakes up the next morning he'll be drowned in flowers & gifts from Danny, Harry, Dougie & Gio he will just have a quick glance at tumblr or twitter, have a great smile & start his day. I don't blame him for not realizing how hard the McFans had to try to keep "FletcherBDay" on trending. Celebrities never fully realize how affective they could be. He'll probably never remember the names of each and everyone who contributed into this international birthday party. But that's ok.

Because the fans are the fans. I remember a couple years ago when i was sitting by myself in Jesse McCartney's birthday playing with his posters singing happy birthday to a guy who don't even know the country i live. And i felt hopeless. But now looking back at it, i think it's a part of the character-building chain. And although i don't think i've been fully built-up, days like that, when i was a junior high loser sitting with a bunch of black & white poster, made me a good person, or at least calmed the cruel part of me for a split of second.

The best part of this day is, picturing 10 years from now, all the McGirls are 25 26 years old, having a job, a husband, a baby. Some will be doctors, some will be teachers, some will design advertisements for shitty products, some will be filthy rich, some will be happy with their a-little-low-but-enough-for-a-living salary. And in one second of life, they will remember having a party for someone who used to be their biggest inspiration, someone who stole their heart, someone whose reply on twitter made them cry like a 5-year-old, and smile. They'll recall their teenage years, sitting before the computer with a bunch of friends whose faces they don't even know, enjoying the atmosphere of the most beautiful years of their life.

Not until now do i realize the role of an idol in one's life.

I'll definitely delete this post.

I THINK THIS IS MY MOST SENSITIVE TIME.

Yoghurt cup #24

• Trying to convince myself that senior year's not that bad. That TOMORROW's not that bad.
• I hate tomorrow more than ever.
• I'm in my hating mood again. Wearing my bitch face.
• 7 people are online in my messenger list. None of whom i wanna talk to.
• I am enjoying every last precious free minutes of my life before IT.
• Been suffering from terrible allergies since yesterday. This is NOT right!
• By terrible i mean ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!
• My life is slowly turning into a crap hole. Why wasn't i born to be a different person??
• Someone who DON'T have to suffer senior year!
• I think i've been eating 7 cans of wasabi peas this month. And i don't care about the fact that i'm fatter than ever. I even thanked God my jeans still fitted.
• I'm wearing my badass torn jeans. Makes me feel a bit more confident.
• World Cup finale tonight. Don't know if i should watch it or not.
• What am i saying? I'm definitely gonna watch it.
• It's like my life has anything more interesting to do.
• Thank you, Jones, for entertaining my miserable life.

• That's it for today. The most boring & whining-ish yoghurt cup ever.

P/S: my favorite yoghurt shop has closed down. Just thought i might add to the BIG FUN life of mine another great news.

Summer yoghurt cup #23

• Keane. Never sounded so good (:
• I think the McFly heat is cooling down a bit. That's a good thing. I'm learning to control my hysteria. Of course i'll still get butterflies when Tom tweets, or when Dougie tweets, or when Harry tweets, or ESPECIALLY when Danny tweets, but it's all better (:
• I hate Saturdays.
• Not because Frankie Sandford is Dougie's girlfriend lol
• BRAZIL oh my Brazil! I weeped like a kid last night watching Brazil vs. Netherlands. Can't believe i'm never gonna see Kaka again! I was SO expecting they were gonna win!
• This is exactly like American Idol. What a feeling!
• I think i found a light at the end of the tunnel called "Math tutor problem".
• I'm craving for my camera to be back. Never felt like i need my camera that much.
• Spent 40 bucks on a piece of glitter rubber band, aka headband. I am such a sucker.
• I wanna go watch Toy Story again! Such a wonderful movie! I hate Karate Kid. I think anyone who buys tickets to see that movie has mental problems.
• Wearing headband 24-7 now (:
• I've been playing a crappy instrument that sounds "kinda" like guitar. The tips of my fingers are starting to get hard.
• Happy birthday Larry David (:
• Watched Toy Story yesterday. And although the plot was amazing, i gotta admit the animation sucks.
• Doing a scrapboard to hang on my door.
• 9 more days guys. 9 more days.
• I hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE senior year!
• I SWEAR I WILL GO OUT AND KICK PEOPLE'S ASSES LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS NEXT WEEK BEFORE I ENTER THE MOST TERRIFYING SCHOOLYEAR OF MY SCHOOLLIFE!!
• I'm hysterical. But for a good reason this time.
• Now i understand why Keane stands out from EVERY SINGLE OTHER band in the UK.
• I can't stand Alanis Morissette's voice & that's the frickking truth!
• Waiting for the order to arrive to order other things.
• I don't care if i turn into a shopaholic, i haven't been to school & i'm stressing already.
• I really really like this photo of hers.