Yoghurt cup #71

• Here come the drastic changes and the me who can't keep up with what's going on in my life.
• I've probably felt it last time I wrote, but this time I was certain. It's saddening to realize that those who used to get you, or whom you think did, now don't. It's like walking home with a friend and trying to talk as much as you can before getting to the intersection or the spot where you have to split up. If it's the walk home from school, you can still walk it the next day, or the day after that, but if it's the walk that leads to somewhere farther, then you're left alone.
• Actually, I chose to be alone. There were really lots of things to process for the past few days and I need a good two or three days just lying around not communicating with anybody just to find a clue in all of this. This is honestly too much, like, I have to keep my head sane or else I'd make wrong choices.
• I dreamed about someone whom I've met twice yesterday. Don't know why it left such an impression. I dreamed about something that was true before I had the slightest clue about it. The main thing was, when I woke up and the entire dream story sunk in, I knew right away that somehow this story is going to be real.
• I don't know about him and how he feels, but to me, we're processing as friends much better than as lovers. Probably because both of us are at a stable stage where nothing, or nobody, vast is interrupting, and I tend to stay that way. Nevertheless, I still have anxiety that something very random is gonna come and hit me by the face, and although I don't have the faintest reason to get upset, I still will, and ruin the perfect "positive life perspective" scenario I'm creating for myself.
• Actually, not seeing each other is a good idea I think, so that I don't get into temptation and do things uncontrollably. We still talk, and he's still an amazing listener and does the best he can to be sane for me when I'm all messed up like this.
• Now that we don't hold any responsibility for each other, we're doing everything willingly I guess. I'm not saying that this doesn't upset me, probably all of this mental instability I'm having is the aftermath of the breakup, but I'm saying that this should be the right choice.
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• I re-synced a couple of the phone numbers from my old to new phone. I think my list adds up to only about 20 or 30 people. And I've been living very comfortably with that contact list.
• Made me realize I don't have, and don't have the need to have, that many people around. Not to mention in my very narrowed contact list there are a couple of numbers from my boss and coworkers, and one from the guy that I've been trying very very hard to push away for the past few months.
• One thing that I've been regretting and will be regretting for a long time ahead is the time when I allowed myself to go out with him. It broke one way too many rules in my playbook and it wasn't even fun! I deleted the part where I wrote about him on my last post, cause I'm just so fed up with him I don't even want him to have anything to do with my life anymore.
• My #1 rule when it comes to relationship, or at least making a pathetic attempt to imitate or seek one: honesty. God he just kept appearing in my life flinging that so-called playboy trick of his, thinking that I'd be fooled by that. Just that mere thought of being valuated that I could be owned by those tricks really really bothers me.
• I apologize for my words in some of the very long ago posts where I said that I wanted someone to go after me. Now I take it back. The "someone" definition scares me now.
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• In the end, trees with the same root die with each other. 
• It's nice to know someone's still making an attempt to read these things I wrote.
• I'm not very sober at the moment, not by the meaning of getting drunk and not being able to walk or pee properly, but mentally, like, when it comes to making pros and cons and deciding which factor has the more important impact on my life, I'm completely an idiot. That's why, I need time, to let all of this thinking that I've been doing for the past few days sink in, then I'll take a deep breath and think of what to do next.
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• My mom said that those like me are naturally harder to find someone they can trust and keep around. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• It's been a long yoghurt cup, hope you've prepared some gummy bears to eat along. I'm tired and my throat hurts, so I'm going to bed now.

Yoghurt cup #70

• People people people. How they've all chosen today to fucking piss me off.
• I was gonna recite every single story that pissed me off in the past 2 hours, but, it's childish, that's why I've chosen to think to myself, they're probably gonna go fuck themselves at some time in their lives, that's why they end up having a crappy job and not even doing it correctly oh mY GODD
• Breathe Jenny, breathe.
• I've been put into some sort of thinking mood lately, the main thing was that when he was away enjoying a vacation somewhere on the beach I was at home, hanging out with my friends realizing that the people whom I've been almost 100% sure understand me turn out not. And sometimes I just need someone to listen to me rather than giving me lectures and advice, which are things that I can give myself anyways.
• Long story short I need him around.
• Now I know the feeling of weird frustration he usually gets every time I travel and he stays at home waiting for me to get back.
• I don't normally write about him a lot like this, I like to keep the thoughts to myself. But this time got a bit too emotional and lied around sobbing and stuff, so I guess I had to find a way out.
• My yogurt cups haven't been quite fun lately, I wanted to write something fun to read but I only wanted to write when I'm not sober.
• How come I don't have a summer tag?
• It's still raining so I can't go home yet. The mere thought of having to stay at home scares me. It's too usual. I don't understand how friends just keep asking me to stop by at their house, if I wanna be at a comfortable house, I'd be at my house, wrapping my blanket watching Ugly Betty.
• My God Ugly Betty is goood! Another thing I don't understand is that people don't seem to appreciate Ugly Betty like I do, they always think that it's some sort of mediocre sitcom that has ugly characters. Ughhhhh the frustration of trying to convince people that the plot of this series is so good it's even similar to Gossip Girl season 1 and 2!
• He's home tomorrow, I'm thinking about buying something as a welcome home gift, which is a bit ridiculous cause his trip was 3 days, and I haven't the slightest idea of a decent gift, food probably works best.

Yoghurt cup #69: Death

• Growing up is not fun. The worst part is when you stand at one point, thinking that you haven't changed one bit since the time flew, and then you look back at the small but vital details and realize that you've grown into a completely different person it's ridiculous!
• Change is always fascinating to get used to, but, like my relation to the character in Midnight In Paris, the past has a mystery of a girl who is loved by every guy, but will never belong to anybody.
• Food heals, it's true. Well, more precisely, good food heals.
• I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and it's a good thing. French movies make me feel really really good after enjoying, don't know if there's more good French movies to watch hmmm...
• Anyways, short writing. I'm off to be a so-called adult.

my favorite things

Like that song in Sound of music, another all-time favorite musical of mine.

 This is the book that I'm currently reading, with a worse than hideous cover.

And this is the bookmark that is now in the book. This is a gift from my neighbor when she got back from Korea a couple of weeks ago. 

These are the infamous flowers that I mentioned yesterday.

 These are my favorite lipsticks: the YSL glossy stain #12 and the Shu Uemura rouge unlimited supreme matte #MCR 342. They play a role of my toys when I'm bored.

 This is my favorite blush which is Benefit's Coralista. It looks like a kid's toy at first but no kid's toy can be -that expensive in that size, and I always had this so-called self-ashamed time after I purchased any makeup product.

This is my favorite glass. I like it because it's big and can hold a lot more water than the other cups in my house therefore when I'm asking someone for water I'll get more than the rest. In the glass is my least favorite cereal ever but because ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten, I still treat them very ethically.

This is my favorite body mist that smells like moringa.

These are my favorite pens, all from Germany because I believe that Germany and Japan make the best stationery in the world.

This is my favorite postcard from Russia, which you have seen me featuring in my one hundred posts before. 

These are my favorite CD and DVD. I even got a tattoo out of the Mayer's record, you can imagine the situation. 

These are my favorite Danish butter cookies that I feel like I deserve to have after a long and hard day of doing absolutely nothing productive at all.

And this is my favorite me with my hair unwashed and my nails chipped off as usual, sitting in my yellow room taking no-face photos in front of a dirty mirror.

Yoghurt cup #68: 19

• I guess everything started when I was 19 years old. I think for me there was this invisible line placed somewhere in life that once I crossed it, I started experiencing things through a veil of glass, not deeply involved, but was exposed to what the world actually feels like. I started seeing cracks everywhere, even places that I was certain from birth was flawless. I grew up believing that there are sacred things that would never be throbbed, and they would somehow remain that way as time goes by. Only now do I understand the inspiration coming from dealing with the real wold, although what I've been going through was just quite shocking to a spoiled and over-thinking me, they weren't any overly dramatic events that made my life take turns or something.
• I started reading Kitchen yesterday I think. I've been accidentally watching and reading more than one movie/book about loss, and how people deal with it.  I think a me at the age of 18 wouldn't understand and be patient with the continuing of the book as I am now. But I've grown a little bit from then, and was feeling uncertain whether I should be glad or sad that I'm not myself from yesterday.
• I like buying makeups, like, the expensive ones. Not because I'm obliged to use them everyday, although I still do, just putting on random things like lipsticks or blushers or perfume samples. Just because I like to arrange them in my drawer, seeing them all in their places, and imagining myself taking them out of their bed, using them on my face, smelling them, having another good look at how carefully they're made, and then putting them back exactly where they come from. I don't know if it's the girl-side that's finally got a chance to show or if it's some kind of weird addiction. I could spend hours taking them out of the box, seeing how the packaging is made, how the product is so well-designed, finding a way to rearrange them somehow. That drawer is probably the only place that's always neat in this room.
• I like a room change. And I've had mine. Grandpa's moving here with us in a day or two, and we had to move half of the couch to my room to make some space for the living room. And I love the idea of having a really huge couch in this little room. I'm not sure whether it will change the atmosphere that I've been feeling for the past 5 or 6 years, but I adore a different aspect that I can discover. I finally have a spot where I can sit down and watch the people down there living a life. And my huge teddy bear won't have to sit unwanted on the stool next to my desk.
• When I crossed the market this morning, I got some flowers with the idea of finally having something to put into the thin and weirdly-shaped vase in the room. I got the vase for a surprisingly cheap price when going china shopping with a certain person, and not once, in the 3 or 4 months since I bought it, have I managed to find a single flower to put in it. Have to be honest I felt kind of ashamed of myself, because that empty vase was the proof that I only do things spontaneously and am a lazy bum who can't even find a stick of flower to complete whatever I started in my head when I paid for that vase. But now I do. Just simple tiny flowers in pink, purple and white, watching them bloom in my room kind of makes me feel, I don't know if it's similar to when I used to keep my fish in the room, that I want to do this on a daily basis. Not because I've discovered my talent in flower arranging, as my mom brutally commented on my piece of work that it 'looks like a witch's broom', but because it made me feel like I have a habit based on hobbies now. Hopefully this one will last longer than the other less-fortunate hobbies of mine.
• It's late and I have to answer some of the emails like a professional worker who's neglecting the fact that she's lazy and never try her best and then decide whether I should finish Kitchen tonight or have a good sleep instead.

random yogurt cup

• Oh well, holiday's officially over, and I'm at a loss for words when thinking about going back to school.
• I haven't had much me-time lately, for the longest time I could remember. Possibly because my job got a hold in me, and all of the leftover time I consumed in tumbling and sleeping and going out eating.
• Which led to the fact that I've gotten chubby. And yet ready to taste every good dishes in this city.
• I've discovered lots and lots of places which has lovely views and magnificent food. And frankly, my definition of magnificent food is that they fry with butter and roast veggies with melted cheese.
• But you can't deny that they're not good!
• I didn't do anything productive in my holidays, spent a load of money on food and makeups, as usual, slept like a bum, watched Japanese anime and idol movies, slept a little more, went out and took photos with flowers in the background to prove that I still had a life, ate some more food and babbled about how boring my life was.
• I'm trying to make my life look a little bit more bright, like positive thinking and bright-colored items around me. I literally have to carry my facial wash and mud mask bottles everywhere I go cause I have to move around a lot lately.
• I'll have to run to school to get the textbooks, and then "travel" down to my campus to attend classes, in the excruciating heat of the all-year-round tropical city. Wish me luck!