yogurt cup #112

• on and off and on and off again
• I haven't been feeling very fine, no surprise, why else would i write anyways? Or it's probably just that I've napped for too long and now I'm a little disorientated and tired. That sounds more likely.
• Some days it feels nice, like today. Today made me wanna actually pick it up and like make something out of it, some other days I just regret it the moment he steps into my room.
• I'm killing myself and I know it. It's probably the period speaking as well, as I'm experiencing severe mood swings and listening to the weirdest music right now.
• I haven't graduated. And some of my friends have, naturally, and they're having a ceremony today at the university, with capes and diplomas and shit. I'm not too big a fan of capes, but I'm a huge fan of ending my miserable years at the university and being able to apply for scholarships to go somewhere.
• Today at my office there's also this big ass party celebrating the website's birthday. I don't feel it, and normally I'd just go because of the food, cause they usually have fancy parties at Korean barbecue restaurants and who would turn down a free barbecue set? But this year I guess the budget's tight and people's gotten creative, so instead of fancy barbecue, there's the plastic chair bar and getting drunk all night. Which, as you might have noticed, I'm not a big fan of.
• So, after the longer than usual siesta, I'm upset because I'm left out at both of the places I'm working in. And I hate being left out, probably more than anything.
• Don't get me wrong and assume I'm a straight-edge or something. I love getting drunk. But with the right set of people, who will do crazy reckless shit when they're out of control. My group of friends in Germany has set the bar pretty high on that one. So when I got back, I was riding my motorbike through these bars and discos around the city, trying to see if it gets me excited again and if I could find a way to find any escapism to the mundane circle in this vast city, did I realize it doesn't make any sense if you're with the wrong people.
• I love Camellia, I do, cause frankly who would I hang out with if not her? But she's the depressed type, the type that would stay at home for 8 days straight wearing one set of clothes, although washing her hair 17 times per day, eating 5 boxes of cream puff ordered online and binge-watching a series of Chinese emo-series. She's not the going to the bar getting drunk kissing strangers letting them touch your boobs kind of girl. I've seen her in those kinds of environment, and that was kind of defining, in terms of 'ok how about we get outta here and find some food'. I miss getting crazy, and seeing people get reaaaaaaaaaaally racist when they're drunk. I once met this guy, who I'm pretty sure has a fetish for Asian girls, as he approached me in that weird way after he was flinging it with another Asian 5 minutes before. It's kind of fascinating to see how weird people can act when it comes to race, one of the things that make me glad to stay here is that I'm not constantly worried that I'm being judged.
• I'm just trying to act like an adult in all of this stuff, which is fucking difficult when you just really wanna rage quit and live in poverty while people look at you with sorry eyes. It's fine that my boss finds Camellia's work more credible than mine, and basically asks her to run the damn column alongside with me. But it's probably me, it's probably cause I have bad work attitude, cause I'm irresponsible and shut down my phone sometimes, cause I don't have that girly 'sense' that's needed for this job. There's probably a million people who can do the job better than I do, I just got lucky for a moment.
• Last week I was fully motivated, thinking I could handle this, I'm doing well, I got this. This week with the period comes a lot of mood swings. Why do girls have to suffer from this? Is this why sexism exists?
• So anyways, here are a few acceptable shots from my recently developed film roll. It's my first, so there's a lot to fix, but this is more fun than it proposed.

yoghurt cup #111

• Yes today is a necessary day to write something down, otherwise I think my brain's gonna explode for the information overload.
• The boulevard news shit really get me. It's bullshit as normal and I usually don't care, but this time it just contributes to my concrete lack of faith in people. A guy who's engaged to one of the (supposedly) prettiest girls in the show business, turns out to have an affair with a pretty 17-year-old. Comeonnnn my distrust in this society is already vast, you don't need to show me this.
• How does it feel like to be thrown back into the environment where people treat you like a dude again? Marvelous I must say, cause I don't have identity or self-esteem problems in the first place already, why would this make any difference? 
• But who am I to judge people? I cheated on my boyfriend while in Germany also.
• I feel bad. I have been feeling bad for a couple of weeks now, and I tried to talk to him to see if it gets any better. Eventually, although I still feel bad and bored and lonely, I realized something, I respect him and all of his once feelings for me wholeheartedly, but we're just not suited for each other. It stings me to think about it, but I'm sure he'll find someone who appreciates him more than I do. 
• I tried not to think too much about Victor and the life that I left behind when I didn't fight for the chance to stay for another 6 months. I have a good life here, I convince myself, and I can enjoy life the way I want here also, I just need to have more courage. But still, the thought is like smoke, and it creeps into my mind every now and always, and until I read a cheesy line or watch a random "The one that got away"-type of video on Youtube do I break down and cry so easily. Which makes me realize how vulnerable my mentality is holding itself right now. Dangerous shit.
• I actually have to worry about being an adult and facing decisions right now. I don't want to teach, at least not now. Moreover, I don't want to work for somebody I don't feel comfortable. It makes me feel bad, affects my work quality, and in the long haul will result in me doing something stupid.
• Ugh being an adult is so. not. fun.
• Anyways I really need to go to bed. One of the brightening thoughts of the day is that I will get to choose a new bed and desk for my room, then I'll dwell into the magical world of bed sheets and pillows and blankets. And I'll get less bored of my geographical surrounding for about 2 months, and then it's Christmas and I'll probably drag another bunch of decoratives and do silly things. Just you wait.
• 
  

yoghurt cup 110

• Somewhere out there, 17 hours of flight away from my little room, it's all happening again.

yoghurt cup 109

• Oh wow.
• Can you believe it? Last time I wrote a blog post, it was the first one from Germany. And here I am again after 6 whirlwind months that were probably the most memorable time of my life so far, sitting in my room full of postcards and maps and train tickets that I collected from all of my trips, feeling two thousand things but not one slice of sleepiness thanks to the jet-lag. Time sure does fly when you enjoy yourself huh?

• Where do I even begin to describe it? I didn't even have time to stop and write a blog about it. Trust me, I've written a lot in my phone, in my notebook, but a blog post apparently requires much more time and contribution than just a bunch of scribbles. And when you've written for long enough, you feel less comfortable to share them on the internet, where people can somewhat find out and read about it.

• I wonder who even reads this blog anymore except for me. I've been writing just for myself for such a long time, but secretly, in a little corner of my mind, I still wish for this blog to have an audience. Every writer needs a good reader, and I'm too much of a show-off to want that haha
• When I think about my passport, about my postcard wall back in that room number 5008 in Bielefeld, I like to think "this girl's traveled the world". I'm proud, I've outdone myself in those trips, just the little things that I thought I'd never be able to do, like figuring out the tram system in Berlin, carrying heavy backpacks in Paris, having a scar on my knee for falling from a bike in Amsterdam, doing couchsurfing, and just being alone and content at the same time. The world is large, and oh do I know that. I've met people who's traveled much much farther than me, and who has all kinds of stories to tell that's gonna make you burst out laughing, but at the same time secretly admire their journey. I've met people covered in scars and smiles, telling the story of how I shouldn't be ashamed of my marks, and how they've fought a deadly fight. The world is still large, still full of wonderful things to see, and I'm feeling proud to unveil one little page of it.

• We never dated, and we never broke up. It all seems like a joke, and we just jokingly tell people "oh, she's my 'it's complicated'", when in fact, what we feel is just too simple. We want an irresponsible relationship where everybody gets their dream. We found each other in the silently chaotic corner that is Germany, I was drunk and he was standing with the thought, why don't I just get this over with already. After all, I got to be the girl in the relationship for a little time, and he has somebody to practice his romance to. And jokingly, we tell each other, 'I'm not waiting for you anymore, it's just pointless'. Probably after some time I'm gonna read back to this and be surprised at myself for feeling that much for a person at that time, gonna lay my back down to the sofa thinking, what a good time I've had. It's too beautiful to spoil that although I'm sad that it ended, I wouldn't have done anything differently to have more time with him. I miss him terribly, I really do, but it's the kind of missing when you don't think about them the entire day, you don't wish for them to be here, and you don't look back at the photos you took together in your phone. It's the kind of missing where you treasure the time you've had, the things you've done to each other, that perfect poem without any spelling mistakes, the beautiful notebook, the little note that says 'Welcome home!'. I've always found it extremely hard to move on, cause the word 'moving on' itself is a long and painful process, in which you don't know when it happens, and I always end up being the one who sits somewhere in a coffee shop, with a notebook, a pen and too many emotions and feelings that I don't know where to put. I always lose in the game of, who will move on first, and I know for sure, I will lose this time.

• Gabriele and I used to sit in the train going to the airport. It was a rainy Monday, when I traveled to Italy and he traveled home. As a habit, he started singing that yodeling song that he'd been practicing for a good one month, this time so quietly like a whisper, and after the first verse, he said, 'it's not funny anymore'. I still remember that moment, cause if you know Gabriele, you're always gonna see him being hyperactive and giving out this never-ending positive energy that just attracts people like sugar attracting ants. In that slight moment I saw sadness in his eyes. I think for all of us exchanging kids, we all have that look after going home. Some call it 'post-Erasmus depression', but I think we're just dreamers, slowly waking up from our best dreams.
• It's gonna take me some time to find the pattern now that I'm back home, suddenly with a whole new set of things to do. Learn to love the city again Sam, it's an order.

yoghurt cup 108

• Hello from Germany. You don't think I'd forget about this hideout do ya? 
• I don't know how to begin the life I have here in Germany. I wouldn't say it's a hideous mess, but a glorious rock-star life has no resemblance either. It's kind of a mixture of both, but it's anything but boring.
• Thing #1: Stuff happened, of course. With my set of personality and the freedom of expression provided here in Europe, I wouldn't be blind to pass out a chance to get wild. What surprises me is just that, my getting wild somehow got quite a lot of people upset. Times like this really made me scan myself mentally, trying to wrap my head around the matter to see how others understand things that in my world are just so normal and most likely overlooked. Times like this also made me realize, that nature does a wonderful job of filtering people in my life, not necessarily good or bad, just people who at one point can't walk the same path with me anymore.
• It's lonely as fuck have to admit. Years of being alone has taught me not to grow clingy to people, otherwise you'll make yourself boring and it won't go anywhere. And actually, I don't even feel half bad, guess it's just the power of the mind when you've got everything settled and determine which people you need and don't need in life. It just saddens me to know that sometimes people throw things away so easily, especially things that I consider to be important. Oh the things you learn at age 21.
• Thing #2: I know the things that I do with guys here, I won't be able to tell anybody, because they're just too much for the people at home to handle. 
• We did sleepover, twice. We held hands, he toyed with my hair, i pretended to be sleepy to hug him while I slept, just small kid stuff. I need these kinds of moments, since I've been occupying my mind too much with heavy social things, and since he kind of said 'i thought you'd be a more carefree girl'.
• I don't actually like him or have a crush on him or anything. We both know we have another half waiting somewhere, and that's what makes it so fragile. I guess I'm just tired of being the man in the relationship, where I have to stand up and give advices and tell things like 'it's alright, don't worry, tomorrow's gonna be better' even though I have a thousand things swinging in my mind. I somehow have a feeling like he wants someone like a kid or a little sister to take care of, and a little bit better, to cuddle and do cute stuff with. One great thing about this is that, although it's so fragile, I'm very certain he's not gonna do anything to me, not gonna cross the line no matter what we do. Another great thing, I don't have to care about whether he has the characteristics, whether he's determined enough or what his life goals are, the kind of friendship where you care, you have real feelings, but don't ask too much from the other, knowing that it's merely pointless to have so many worries in such little time.
• Thing #3: Talking about wearing the pants in the relationship, I can see how mine is deteriorating. It's not a good thing I have to admit, to a point where I just don't give a fuck if MJ wants to sabotage my life and just tell him everything I've done here. I'm dealing with 1000 things, my head is always heavy no matter what I do, and I can't share to him, because I know for sure he will never understand it. Times like this change me, but not completely, it just takes out the unplanted seeds in my mind and nurtures it into a tiny tree that directs me to another way. I ask too much from people, that they have to understand me from the roots, and I know it's impossible, but still, as I change and my feelings change, I feel bad for the things I have to leave behind.
• He's in a breakdown, I am too. He cries to me about it a couple of days ago, and as I tiredly typed pointless advices I realized how I didn't have the mental capacity to care about his problems when I still haven't quite sorted out mine. A 18-year-old me would feel immediately bad, and just run back to him no matter what, and try to listen to everything. But the tired and troublesome 21-year-old me glanced through his words and thought, isn't this supposed to be the other way, where I'm the one who asks for advices and knows for sure that I'll feel better after the pep-talk?
• No matter what I do to anyone, I feel bad.
• That, is what you missed, on my life in Germany.

yoghurt cup #105 - day 0 & day 116

• So, I installed this countdown app on my phone to keep track of how many days there are left until Germany, and before 12:30 last night it was just a number. A countdown wouldn't affect you so much unless it's down to its very last counts, so I didn't really care about it. 116 days is just a number, means nothing.
• Until it fucking did mean something. That is less than 4 fucking months. What a time to choose to settle down for a relationship Jenny.
• Now that this is happening do I realize of how many shitty relationships I've gotten myself into, and how much it made an impact on me. 
• It's been only one day. Still in the best times. It will get worse, just you wait Jenny.