yoghurt cup 109

• Oh wow.
• Can you believe it? Last time I wrote a blog post, it was the first one from Germany. And here I am again after 6 whirlwind months that were probably the most memorable time of my life so far, sitting in my room full of postcards and maps and train tickets that I collected from all of my trips, feeling two thousand things but not one slice of sleepiness thanks to the jet-lag. Time sure does fly when you enjoy yourself huh?

• Where do I even begin to describe it? I didn't even have time to stop and write a blog about it. Trust me, I've written a lot in my phone, in my notebook, but a blog post apparently requires much more time and contribution than just a bunch of scribbles. And when you've written for long enough, you feel less comfortable to share them on the internet, where people can somewhat find out and read about it.

• I wonder who even reads this blog anymore except for me. I've been writing just for myself for such a long time, but secretly, in a little corner of my mind, I still wish for this blog to have an audience. Every writer needs a good reader, and I'm too much of a show-off to want that haha
• When I think about my passport, about my postcard wall back in that room number 5008 in Bielefeld, I like to think "this girl's traveled the world". I'm proud, I've outdone myself in those trips, just the little things that I thought I'd never be able to do, like figuring out the tram system in Berlin, carrying heavy backpacks in Paris, having a scar on my knee for falling from a bike in Amsterdam, doing couchsurfing, and just being alone and content at the same time. The world is large, and oh do I know that. I've met people who's traveled much much farther than me, and who has all kinds of stories to tell that's gonna make you burst out laughing, but at the same time secretly admire their journey. I've met people covered in scars and smiles, telling the story of how I shouldn't be ashamed of my marks, and how they've fought a deadly fight. The world is still large, still full of wonderful things to see, and I'm feeling proud to unveil one little page of it.

• We never dated, and we never broke up. It all seems like a joke, and we just jokingly tell people "oh, she's my 'it's complicated'", when in fact, what we feel is just too simple. We want an irresponsible relationship where everybody gets their dream. We found each other in the silently chaotic corner that is Germany, I was drunk and he was standing with the thought, why don't I just get this over with already. After all, I got to be the girl in the relationship for a little time, and he has somebody to practice his romance to. And jokingly, we tell each other, 'I'm not waiting for you anymore, it's just pointless'. Probably after some time I'm gonna read back to this and be surprised at myself for feeling that much for a person at that time, gonna lay my back down to the sofa thinking, what a good time I've had. It's too beautiful to spoil that although I'm sad that it ended, I wouldn't have done anything differently to have more time with him. I miss him terribly, I really do, but it's the kind of missing when you don't think about them the entire day, you don't wish for them to be here, and you don't look back at the photos you took together in your phone. It's the kind of missing where you treasure the time you've had, the things you've done to each other, that perfect poem without any spelling mistakes, the beautiful notebook, the little note that says 'Welcome home!'. I've always found it extremely hard to move on, cause the word 'moving on' itself is a long and painful process, in which you don't know when it happens, and I always end up being the one who sits somewhere in a coffee shop, with a notebook, a pen and too many emotions and feelings that I don't know where to put. I always lose in the game of, who will move on first, and I know for sure, I will lose this time.

• Gabriele and I used to sit in the train going to the airport. It was a rainy Monday, when I traveled to Italy and he traveled home. As a habit, he started singing that yodeling song that he'd been practicing for a good one month, this time so quietly like a whisper, and after the first verse, he said, 'it's not funny anymore'. I still remember that moment, cause if you know Gabriele, you're always gonna see him being hyperactive and giving out this never-ending positive energy that just attracts people like sugar attracting ants. In that slight moment I saw sadness in his eyes. I think for all of us exchanging kids, we all have that look after going home. Some call it 'post-Erasmus depression', but I think we're just dreamers, slowly waking up from our best dreams.
• It's gonna take me some time to find the pattern now that I'm back home, suddenly with a whole new set of things to do. Learn to love the city again Sam, it's an order.

yoghurt cup 108

• Hello from Germany. You don't think I'd forget about this hideout do ya? 
• I don't know how to begin the life I have here in Germany. I wouldn't say it's a hideous mess, but a glorious rock-star life has no resemblance either. It's kind of a mixture of both, but it's anything but boring.
• Thing #1: Stuff happened, of course. With my set of personality and the freedom of expression provided here in Europe, I wouldn't be blind to pass out a chance to get wild. What surprises me is just that, my getting wild somehow got quite a lot of people upset. Times like this really made me scan myself mentally, trying to wrap my head around the matter to see how others understand things that in my world are just so normal and most likely overlooked. Times like this also made me realize, that nature does a wonderful job of filtering people in my life, not necessarily good or bad, just people who at one point can't walk the same path with me anymore.
• It's lonely as fuck have to admit. Years of being alone has taught me not to grow clingy to people, otherwise you'll make yourself boring and it won't go anywhere. And actually, I don't even feel half bad, guess it's just the power of the mind when you've got everything settled and determine which people you need and don't need in life. It just saddens me to know that sometimes people throw things away so easily, especially things that I consider to be important. Oh the things you learn at age 21.
• Thing #2: I know the things that I do with guys here, I won't be able to tell anybody, because they're just too much for the people at home to handle. 
• We did sleepover, twice. We held hands, he toyed with my hair, i pretended to be sleepy to hug him while I slept, just small kid stuff. I need these kinds of moments, since I've been occupying my mind too much with heavy social things, and since he kind of said 'i thought you'd be a more carefree girl'.
• I don't actually like him or have a crush on him or anything. We both know we have another half waiting somewhere, and that's what makes it so fragile. I guess I'm just tired of being the man in the relationship, where I have to stand up and give advices and tell things like 'it's alright, don't worry, tomorrow's gonna be better' even though I have a thousand things swinging in my mind. I somehow have a feeling like he wants someone like a kid or a little sister to take care of, and a little bit better, to cuddle and do cute stuff with. One great thing about this is that, although it's so fragile, I'm very certain he's not gonna do anything to me, not gonna cross the line no matter what we do. Another great thing, I don't have to care about whether he has the characteristics, whether he's determined enough or what his life goals are, the kind of friendship where you care, you have real feelings, but don't ask too much from the other, knowing that it's merely pointless to have so many worries in such little time.
• Thing #3: Talking about wearing the pants in the relationship, I can see how mine is deteriorating. It's not a good thing I have to admit, to a point where I just don't give a fuck if MJ wants to sabotage my life and just tell him everything I've done here. I'm dealing with 1000 things, my head is always heavy no matter what I do, and I can't share to him, because I know for sure he will never understand it. Times like this change me, but not completely, it just takes out the unplanted seeds in my mind and nurtures it into a tiny tree that directs me to another way. I ask too much from people, that they have to understand me from the roots, and I know it's impossible, but still, as I change and my feelings change, I feel bad for the things I have to leave behind.
• He's in a breakdown, I am too. He cries to me about it a couple of days ago, and as I tiredly typed pointless advices I realized how I didn't have the mental capacity to care about his problems when I still haven't quite sorted out mine. A 18-year-old me would feel immediately bad, and just run back to him no matter what, and try to listen to everything. But the tired and troublesome 21-year-old me glanced through his words and thought, isn't this supposed to be the other way, where I'm the one who asks for advices and knows for sure that I'll feel better after the pep-talk?
• No matter what I do to anyone, I feel bad.
• That, is what you missed, on my life in Germany.

yoghurt cup #105 - day 0 & day 116

• So, I installed this countdown app on my phone to keep track of how many days there are left until Germany, and before 12:30 last night it was just a number. A countdown wouldn't affect you so much unless it's down to its very last counts, so I didn't really care about it. 116 days is just a number, means nothing.
• Until it fucking did mean something. That is less than 4 fucking months. What a time to choose to settle down for a relationship Jenny.
• Now that this is happening do I realize of how many shitty relationships I've gotten myself into, and how much it made an impact on me. 
• It's been only one day. Still in the best times. It will get worse, just you wait Jenny.

yoghurt cup #104

• You know days like this will come Jenny. No surprise or anything.
• So much for selfish relationships. Next time if you ever feel like you'd rather have company than spend your time alone, remember how these "companies" make you feel. 
• Ugh low mediocre feelings I hate you. I'm too good to be bothered by all of this bullshit. 
• Where can I run to get my head out of abundance with all of these people? I know most of the time I'm fascinated with the way people act, but I guess this comes alongside with the observation. This is just another example that people consist of more ugly elements than nice ones, and that you can't just enjoy the good bits without having to taste the bad ones. 
• I think there's not exactly a scale that measures how terrible a person can be, it's just simply whether you're still enduring the stress or not. Comparing all of the terrible people that I've had the chance to encounter, I think they're just all equally so terrible, it's just that there are some I don't have to deal with anymore.
• I shouldn't be feeling like this, I just won a scholarship to study in Germany for a month and got chosen to participate in a seminar in Thailand next year. Jennehhhh every time you get upset just think about the awesome things awaiting you. Don't be bothered by all of this crap stuff.

yoghurt cup #103

• another identity crisis about why i'm not being awesome although i'm technically a lil bit too old to even have any identity crisis, both with personality and appearance
• i hate nights like this

some words before the big two one

• Oh hey this is exactly an hour and 33 minutes before the day when my Facebook is gonna (hopefully) flood in happy birthday messages and stuff. And where could be a better place to wait for that precious moment than this depressive blog that I swear my emotional life on right?
• Haha ok no more sarcasm, I'm gonna try stepping in the new day with a positive attitude as I've really been drowned in deadlines and lots and lots of things that required me to have to communicate with people so much to the point where I'm starting to put my thoughts usually only for private things on such people and things as well. And not until this afternoon I think when my mom came back with her apple cinnamon cake that honestly didn't taste much like an apple cinnamon cake, still good though, did I even think about turning 21.
• Is it even OK to freak out? Cause I really do right now. This feels almost like taking a test, partly because I did just take one of the most intensive tests and am still preparing for other two big ass ones, but the tension is real. One reason is because I honestly don't think people's gonna enjoy the cake, cause I seem to be the last standing person on the face of Earth that likes a cinnamon cake, and just the thought of seeing people like not wanting to eat the cake that my mom put so much work into just makes me nervous. Ugh this is just a show I hate a show why can't it just be like me inviting the teachers to have a bite and then that's it. Please no singing no clapping and stuff I only receive gifts haha. But really, I feel extremely awkward when put into such situations. It creeps me out just by thinking about it gahhh
• So, I'm just gonna make a summary just to remember this day, the day before I turn 21.
•  

• Age: 20 and 364 days and 22 hours and 40 minutes, according to my laptop
• Occupation: student, editor, tutor
• Amount of close friends: 5-6
• How was your day? Just ended this horrid German class with that obnoxious teacher, got scolded by the boss for messing up an article, received two basillion birthday wishing text messages from all kinds of shops, planning on deleting them all.
• What did you wear today? Hmm what did I wear? My trusty ol' white shorts that make me look like a guy but so comfortable I had to break down the barriers and my trusty ol' sweater from Oasis. No underwear. Blue Nikes.
• Current hair occupation: slightly ombre, almost ridiculously long and the hair ends are a true nightmare haha
• Dating occupation: what do you think?
• Missing anyone? Yes actually. One thing I still have to work on. Why are you in Canada?
• Things achieved this year: still managed to keep the job, got rid of those who needed getting rid of, participated in things I never thought I'd participate, got the chance to get to know more about more people, made valuable friends, knew a teeny tiny little bit how to play guitar, took up doodling again after what seemed like a thousand years, opened another blog, finally convinced my parents that a Macbook is a good idea.
• Things to crave for next year: a trip to Germany, come back from Germany and still be able to be friends with all my friends, still maintain a habit of writing a blog, no more romance bullshit and hurting myself, better hair ends, no more nail-biting (T.T), GRADUATE, meet more people, be less stupid and finally put my foot out of my mouth, be adequate in the TestDaF, control anger, give more gifts to people, send more postcards to people, still love everything that I do if not like now then even more, put even more passion in everything, and most importantly, meet as many little dogs and cats on the streets as my heart can desire.
• Love yourself more Schammm!
• Another reason to freak out is the fear of missing anything important in this post, and then when it turns tomorrow adding things to the post won't mean anything anymore.
• I think this should be it for now. I'll report more tomorrow. Have a wonderful sleep world.