Yoghurt cup #73

• Scorpion's most basic nature is revenge. It never settles to the short end of the story, if it's hurt, the others must know, and feel the same, if not worse. But, there's something that's left unsaid about Scorpion. It's not going to be that brutal if someone could truly understand what the meaning of all the crazy acts it's putting, and tell Scorpion that it's OK, someone gets you, I've been through what you're going through, and it's going to get better. Stop making yourself miserable. Here's some ice cream, here are some good books, read them and you'll find your will to move on.
• But if I had someone like that, someone to hand me books and ice cream, I wouldn't be sitting here all messed up talking to my blog like this.
• I don't understand how people could go through relationships easily, like, how do you even feel when you break up, when after the breakup you do a bunch of fucking silly things that you know exactly why you do that and how stupid they are but you still do anyways because you're desperate like that. I know, I know exactly why I did all of the things I did for the past few days, but I couldn't control it, I couldn't let myself pile up with all of the anger, the sadness, the eagerness, the hope that was happening at once, I had to let it out somehow. And my way of letting it all out wasn't exactly the very sober way I guess.

• I'm out of tears to cry. This evening when I was washing the dishes and really had a moment to let all of this sink in, my mind replayed everything with unnecessary details and clarity, but I was just like that, with a hole somewhere in my chest and my eyes completely dry. Every once in a while, I lose my ability to cry, which is somewhat a good thing because one, I usually have trouble breathing normally after crying and two, I was able to think a bit clearly and not fall into the depth of emptiness.
• This constantly reminds me of last January, when I was experiencing this for the first time. But this time is even worse, because last time only lasted for a month, and it ended up quite happily I guess. I don't even know when this will end, and I feel useless.

• I can't I can't I can't I just keep looking back for the way things used to be but his words blocked me from entering the sweet garden. He's run out of patience, and so should this be over with. Going back to the old track seems to be the safest way to get myself out of the miserable state, but what will happen? How long will I be able to live with those words shadowing my mind?
• Har-har, basically, whatever choice I make, I'm still desperate, and miserable, and hurt.
• That's quite nice to know actually.
• I'm going to bed.

it's nice to know someone who shares the same birthday as me

• Hah, this is serious. I should go see a psychic to ask about me and him, because we can't share things normally, only when in my most desperate moments I find myself reaching for his number.
• I never thought that sharing the same birthday was that important, I mean, there are other things that makes a person person rather than just a birthday, but knowing that at the same time in the year, we suddenly go through an amount of similar heart pulse thrills me. 
• It's like, everyday's pretty much the same throughout the year, but, once in 365 days, there's one that kind of stands out, and in that day, you're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel, mostly feeling nostalgic about everything and giving more thoughts about everything and getting celebrated a little.
• And it's nice that every once in 365 days, we share the same vibe.

• Today's officially topped it. Marked as a new high score in my chart of breakdowns haha

Yoghurt cup #72

• Is this what people mean by saying 3 years isn't a long time at all in a relationship? That after all that time they're not able to reach any commitment, and it's that easy to let it go when it simply doesn't work anymore?
• Feelings are expensive things that not everybody deserves. 
• Actually, if you just put one speck of second to think about the things I'm doing, it's as simple as that, I only wanted attention. Like the cat forgotten in a stray box trying to make a sound under the rain.
• I think I watched briefly a cartoon about the forgotten cat. 
• I fear for the day that person shows up, and I fear for the day he doesn't. 
• Just how many tears have I cried tonight?
• Should there be some kind of pills that one could take just to stop crying?
• Maybe I should stop here. Just need to get through tonight,

hopefully.

Yoghurt cup #71

• Here come the drastic changes and the me who can't keep up with what's going on in my life.
• I've probably felt it last time I wrote, but this time I was certain. It's saddening to realize that those who used to get you, or whom you think did, now don't. It's like walking home with a friend and trying to talk as much as you can before getting to the intersection or the spot where you have to split up. If it's the walk home from school, you can still walk it the next day, or the day after that, but if it's the walk that leads to somewhere farther, then you're left alone.
• Actually, I chose to be alone. There were really lots of things to process for the past few days and I need a good two or three days just lying around not communicating with anybody just to find a clue in all of this. This is honestly too much, like, I have to keep my head sane or else I'd make wrong choices.
• I dreamed about someone whom I've met twice yesterday. Don't know why it left such an impression. I dreamed about something that was true before I had the slightest clue about it. The main thing was, when I woke up and the entire dream story sunk in, I knew right away that somehow this story is going to be real.
• I don't know about him and how he feels, but to me, we're processing as friends much better than as lovers. Probably because both of us are at a stable stage where nothing, or nobody, vast is interrupting, and I tend to stay that way. Nevertheless, I still have anxiety that something very random is gonna come and hit me by the face, and although I don't have the faintest reason to get upset, I still will, and ruin the perfect "positive life perspective" scenario I'm creating for myself.
• Actually, not seeing each other is a good idea I think, so that I don't get into temptation and do things uncontrollably. We still talk, and he's still an amazing listener and does the best he can to be sane for me when I'm all messed up like this.
• Now that we don't hold any responsibility for each other, we're doing everything willingly I guess. I'm not saying that this doesn't upset me, probably all of this mental instability I'm having is the aftermath of the breakup, but I'm saying that this should be the right choice.
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• I re-synced a couple of the phone numbers from my old to new phone. I think my list adds up to only about 20 or 30 people. And I've been living very comfortably with that contact list.
• Made me realize I don't have, and don't have the need to have, that many people around. Not to mention in my very narrowed contact list there are a couple of numbers from my boss and coworkers, and one from the guy that I've been trying very very hard to push away for the past few months.
• One thing that I've been regretting and will be regretting for a long time ahead is the time when I allowed myself to go out with him. It broke one way too many rules in my playbook and it wasn't even fun! I deleted the part where I wrote about him on my last post, cause I'm just so fed up with him I don't even want him to have anything to do with my life anymore.
• My #1 rule when it comes to relationship, or at least making a pathetic attempt to imitate or seek one: honesty. God he just kept appearing in my life flinging that so-called playboy trick of his, thinking that I'd be fooled by that. Just that mere thought of being valuated that I could be owned by those tricks really really bothers me.
• I apologize for my words in some of the very long ago posts where I said that I wanted someone to go after me. Now I take it back. The "someone" definition scares me now.
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• In the end, trees with the same root die with each other. 
• It's nice to know someone's still making an attempt to read these things I wrote.
• I'm not very sober at the moment, not by the meaning of getting drunk and not being able to walk or pee properly, but mentally, like, when it comes to making pros and cons and deciding which factor has the more important impact on my life, I'm completely an idiot. That's why, I need time, to let all of this thinking that I've been doing for the past few days sink in, then I'll take a deep breath and think of what to do next.
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• My mom said that those like me are naturally harder to find someone they can trust and keep around. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• It's been a long yoghurt cup, hope you've prepared some gummy bears to eat along. I'm tired and my throat hurts, so I'm going to bed now.

Yoghurt cup #70

• People people people. How they've all chosen today to fucking piss me off.
• I was gonna recite every single story that pissed me off in the past 2 hours, but, it's childish, that's why I've chosen to think to myself, they're probably gonna go fuck themselves at some time in their lives, that's why they end up having a crappy job and not even doing it correctly oh mY GODD
• Breathe Jenny, breathe.
• I've been put into some sort of thinking mood lately, the main thing was that when he was away enjoying a vacation somewhere on the beach I was at home, hanging out with my friends realizing that the people whom I've been almost 100% sure understand me turn out not. And sometimes I just need someone to listen to me rather than giving me lectures and advice, which are things that I can give myself anyways.
• Long story short I need him around.
• Now I know the feeling of weird frustration he usually gets every time I travel and he stays at home waiting for me to get back.
• I don't normally write about him a lot like this, I like to keep the thoughts to myself. But this time got a bit too emotional and lied around sobbing and stuff, so I guess I had to find a way out.
• My yogurt cups haven't been quite fun lately, I wanted to write something fun to read but I only wanted to write when I'm not sober.
• How come I don't have a summer tag?
• It's still raining so I can't go home yet. The mere thought of having to stay at home scares me. It's too usual. I don't understand how friends just keep asking me to stop by at their house, if I wanna be at a comfortable house, I'd be at my house, wrapping my blanket watching Ugly Betty.
• My God Ugly Betty is goood! Another thing I don't understand is that people don't seem to appreciate Ugly Betty like I do, they always think that it's some sort of mediocre sitcom that has ugly characters. Ughhhhh the frustration of trying to convince people that the plot of this series is so good it's even similar to Gossip Girl season 1 and 2!
• He's home tomorrow, I'm thinking about buying something as a welcome home gift, which is a bit ridiculous cause his trip was 3 days, and I haven't the slightest idea of a decent gift, food probably works best.

Yoghurt cup #69: Death

• Growing up is not fun. The worst part is when you stand at one point, thinking that you haven't changed one bit since the time flew, and then you look back at the small but vital details and realize that you've grown into a completely different person it's ridiculous!
• Change is always fascinating to get used to, but, like my relation to the character in Midnight In Paris, the past has a mystery of a girl who is loved by every guy, but will never belong to anybody.
• Food heals, it's true. Well, more precisely, good food heals.
• I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and it's a good thing. French movies make me feel really really good after enjoying, don't know if there's more good French movies to watch hmmm...
• Anyways, short writing. I'm off to be a so-called adult.