- I had to write something. My brain literally feels like there's seven rocks in it, just rolling round and round.
- Thing #1: this has been bothering me since yesterday. I don't usually get myself bothered by something for too long, cause it's really bad for the mental health, but I get grumpy, surprisingly grumpy I might add, when my ideas are taken without me being asked about it. This leads to something called work ethic that gives me another headache every once in a while when I wander my thoughts nearby. But, on a personal level, I don't like my ideas being published by someone who isn't me, whether it's an answer in class, or an outfit, or anything, big or small. Therefore, yesterday when she showed up with an outfit almost identical with the one I paired for her a few days ago, I started to get disappointed. But I can't blame her, cause I always take things that I'm capable of doing for granted. In my insipid little mind, pairing outfits is the easiest, and probably the most fun thing to do. I built my wardrobe slowly, and went through multiple phases of styles to be comfortable with what I wear, that's why I honestly don't understand how anyone can struggle with it. That being first. Second is that, the outfit that she showed up with contained one of my favorite pieces that I lent her for the sake of good fashion, and she went on bragging about how she got it on sale at Oasis, when all she did was show up at my doorstep with a more boring than plain outfit that itched my eyes so terribly I had to make a change to it. I felt like a terrible person to state out, in public, while she was in the middle of her bragging, that the top was actually mine, and it took me quite some work to get a hold of it and paid a good amount of money for it. When I saw those comments, the first thing that crossed my mind was, I need the top back, give it back to me right this second. With just about anyone else I'd humiliate them, but her I don't want to do that. This bunch of anger, disgust and guilt has been weighing me since last night. Ughhhhh
- Thing #2: Just the same thing that's been happening for years. I'm sitting in a café, and just a moment ago, I realized how the worlds of half of the amount of friends of mine work, and how mine works the complete opposite. Ok so they just wander around on facebook, sighting beautiful girls, and when they've sighted someone, they start flirting, just for fun, then abandon the results and go back to being a popular bartender or photographer or socialite. Cause nobody takes flirting seriously, and whatever happens can be later interpreted into "anww I wasn't being serious or anything, don't sleep on it too much ok?".
- We don't work like that. We can take the non-serious flirting, but don't you dare get our hopes up, then return to your bunch of popular friends.
- Having said that, this probably is just another case of feeling left out in the world, and getting jealous and putting it on everyone else. But in any ways, we don't want to serve as the popular kids' snack when they're bored. 20 years of existence, 6 years of communicating with humans and I still don't get how they work. There's probably this invisible sign that hangs on my neck that says, this one's weird, she's not like us, and everyone's eyes are designed to be able to read that sign, except for me. Maybe the socialite club is even divided into smaller groups, but I volunteer not to go deep into it. Because, the more I find out more about it, the more isolated I feel.
- So that's thing #2.
- Thing #3: this one is actually a good thing, because if it works, it'll solve several of my problems.
- So, I was just thinking about thinking too much (much irony huh), and a thought flashed up in my head that goes, at least your brain works faster in this condition. And then I thought about the moments when my brain constantly gets stuck on ideas, if only there's a stream of electricity that can run through my head and wake some of the neurons up I'd be eternally thankful.
- Hence the rediscovery of this lame game called Mastermind that I used to play with my friends in 12th grade. I was thinking of trying a few boards of that game to wake my brain up every once in a while. And the eager to try that idea makes me so worked up, more than I should, and also causes mental tiredness.
- Plus I had to get up early this morning and had to walk quite a lot. This adds to it.
- Anyway, time to scoot. I don't do much blogging in the morning, when I'm awake, but since I'm yawning constantly, I guess it counts.
All photos taken by my friend, whose name is also Jenny, and was born 2 days after I was. Anyone interested can follow her work here.
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