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~*~
- Hello again to my orange room. It feels like the longest time ever since the last time I stayed in this room. Every time I get to sleep in my own room again, I still wonder when we will be able to find a solution to this, and not having to move around every one or two weeks.
- I had to write something. My brain literally feels like there's seven rocks in it, just rolling round and round.
- Thing #1: this has been bothering me since yesterday. I don't usually get myself bothered by something for too long, cause it's really bad for the mental health, but I get grumpy, surprisingly grumpy I might add, when my ideas are taken without me being asked about it. This leads to something called work ethic that gives me another headache every once in a while when I wander my thoughts nearby. But, on a personal level, I don't like my ideas being published by someone who isn't me, whether it's an answer in class, or an outfit, or anything, big or small. Therefore, yesterday when she showed up with an outfit almost identical with the one I paired for her a few days ago, I started to get disappointed. But I can't blame her, cause I always take things that I'm capable of doing for granted. In my insipid little mind, pairing outfits is the easiest, and probably the most fun thing to do. I built my wardrobe slowly, and went through multiple phases of styles to be comfortable with what I wear, that's why I honestly don't understand how anyone can struggle with it. That being first. Second is that, the outfit that she showed up with contained one of my favorite pieces that I lent her for the sake of good fashion, and she went on bragging about how she got it on sale at Oasis, when all she did was show up at my doorstep with a more boring than plain outfit that itched my eyes so terribly I had to make a change to it. I felt like a terrible person to state out, in public, while she was in the middle of her bragging, that the top was actually mine, and it took me quite some work to get a hold of it and paid a good amount of money for it. When I saw those comments, the first thing that crossed my mind was, I need the top back, give it back to me right this second. With just about anyone else I'd humiliate them, but her I don't want to do that. This bunch of anger, disgust and guilt has been weighing me since last night. Ughhhhh
- Thing #2: Just the same thing that's been happening for years. I'm sitting in a café, and just a moment ago, I realized how the worlds of half of the amount of friends of mine work, and how mine works the complete opposite. Ok so they just wander around on facebook, sighting beautiful girls, and when they've sighted someone, they start flirting, just for fun, then abandon the results and go back to being a popular bartender or photographer or socialite. Cause nobody takes flirting seriously, and whatever happens can be later interpreted into "anww I wasn't being serious or anything, don't sleep on it too much ok?".
- We don't work like that. We can take the non-serious flirting, but don't you dare get our hopes up, then return to your bunch of popular friends.
- Having said that, this probably is just another case of feeling left out in the world, and getting jealous and putting it on everyone else. But in any ways, we don't want to serve as the popular kids' snack when they're bored. 20 years of existence, 6 years of communicating with humans and I still don't get how they work. There's probably this invisible sign that hangs on my neck that says, this one's weird, she's not like us, and everyone's eyes are designed to be able to read that sign, except for me. Maybe the socialite club is even divided into smaller groups, but I volunteer not to go deep into it. Because, the more I find out more about it, the more isolated I feel.
- So that's thing #2.
- Thing #3: this one is actually a good thing, because if it works, it'll solve several of my problems.
- So, I was just thinking about thinking too much (much irony huh), and a thought flashed up in my head that goes, at least your brain works faster in this condition. And then I thought about the moments when my brain constantly gets stuck on ideas, if only there's a stream of electricity that can run through my head and wake some of the neurons up I'd be eternally thankful.
- Hence the rediscovery of this lame game called Mastermind that I used to play with my friends in 12th grade. I was thinking of trying a few boards of that game to wake my brain up every once in a while. And the eager to try that idea makes me so worked up, more than I should, and also causes mental tiredness.
- Plus I had to get up early this morning and had to walk quite a lot. This adds to it.
- Anyway, time to scoot. I don't do much blogging in the morning, when I'm awake, but since I'm yawning constantly, I guess it counts.
All photos taken by my friend, whose name is also Jenny, and was born 2 days after I was. Anyone interested can follow her work here.
- 5 days til Valentine's day. Ew.
- I have to start school tomorrow, which means, more bus, more heat, less sleep, less life. Being back to school is soooo hardddd after more than a month of practically doing nothing.
- Anyways, some stuff happened that made me wanna write a short movie review so badd.
- American Hustle: I first knew about the movie through a Jennifer Lawrence fansite that I (was practically forced to) follow on facebook. And although I've watched The Hunger Game, out of curiosity, and Silver Lining's Playbook, with high hopes in JLaw's performance, what she delivered did not satisfy me, not even one bit. Let's talk about Silver Lining's a little bit, IMHO, she was very stiff in pretty much the entire movie, especially on the scene when she explained to Bradley why her husband died, I expected to actually feel something. And as imaginative and full of hope as I was, I couldn't relate, at all. All that was in my head was, maybe it's just bad performance, maybe it's better in the book, if there is one. Therefore, when I watched the American Hustle trailer, I inevitably paid more attention to JLaw's performance. But, after having watched the movie about three times, I'd say this movie is Christian Bale's game. Batman was Bale's first movie that I got to watch, then followed by The Prestige and American Psycho (which I slightly enjoyed, but not as much as Donnie Darko). And in all of these movies, I still see Bale, with his specially structured teeth and his accent and his way of acting. But in Hustle, I think he had a step up. Just by not having to focus too much on the fact that I'm watching a Bale movie makes me enjoy it so much more. His accent, his way of showing the struggle with his marriage, his way of falling in love and even his appearance in this movie makes me gain a big lot of respect for him afterwards. Bradley Cooper did his best to prove to the audience that he's no longer a pretty boy who does silly blockbusters, and for some minute in this movie I actually hate Richie. Amy Adams' was enjoyable, seeing her doing something so different from Julie & Julia and Leap Year was fresh. I'd say JLaw's performance in Hustle has this gap comparing to Adams, especially in the scene when Sydney tells Irv that she might fall for Richie a bit. I started out on this movie thinking that I'd be watching Lawrence's acting for fun, turned out her performance annoyed me the most when the rest of the cast was being in so deep with the script. Overall the movie was enjoyable, I still question the picture quality, don't know if I'd downloaded a bad torrent file or what, full of surprises, but when you've come to know the max, it's not gonna be the kind of movie that I'd wanna watch thoroughly for the second time. 3,8/5.
- Aaaahhhh I've got soo much stuff to talk about in the past few days. But first, I need to fully focus on the fact that hOLIDAY ENDS TOMORROW :((
- This was me 4 years ago, taken a week after my 17th birthday. Just how much has changed.
- I don't wanna be someone who constantly looks back on every step she's taken, but, I was going through my facebook profile photos today and saw this. I remember this was the time I wasn't very confident about having my face directly in a photo, hence the mug. The mug, by the way, was a birthday present by a dear dear friend of mine, whom I think I'll remain having respect in, I might say, my entire life.
- As I grow up I've found out lots of things about myself, like the fact that I can't concentrate very well, I love red but red doesn't love me back, I'm a control freak, and most of all, I completely suck at keeping a relationship.
- That's why I was shocked, much more that I'd imagined, when I saw the news, just popped in, like a lost blind dove that hits the glassed window. I had weird and uncomfortable dreams about it last night. It just feels like another one has slipped away, and it's all my fault.
- Maybe Camellia was right, when I was taking this photo, I blamed the world for what was wrong in my life, and hoped that as I grew older, problems would solve themselves and I'd be rested at last. But little did I know, it only got worse.
- Now looking back at it, I didn't even try. I threw the chances out of the window for no reason at all. I fucked up, acted silly, made a fool out of myself, so what? It's just another slipped away, only one I didn't expect.
- I always thought he was the light in the lighthouse, that safe vision that you have whenever you turn around. I just need to know someone like that exists. But, the boat is lost, and there's no need for lights to guide it home anymore, what's the use of keeping it anyways. The electricity that fuels the light could be used for something much more in need, not just a boat that never touches shore.
- What happened in 2010? Like, what did I do, what did I think about? It's funny how every time things like this happens I look back at my past and, secretively, envy my younger self for not having to acknowledge and suffer any of this.
- But, it's never good to feel down. I don't like feeling down, there's no use in it and I'll just eat more than usual. Therefore, my short-term goal right now is to successfully not think about this, and maybe focus on more important things.
- I'll try my best, I promise you that, Spit.
