Stormy weather

Photos taken on some of my go-out dates recently. When the city wasn't wounded.

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It's sunny again today. What a city. No matter what she's been put through, the next day, she still manages to cover itself in sun rays like she's trying to say, now now, everything's fine now. 

I can't stay anywhere else other than here. Although there were numerous times when I desperately wanted to move to the seaside and stay for a month or two, I always came crawling back "fix und fertig" as the German usually said to love this city again. 

Cold days like this reminds me of the early summertime, which got me thinking, why does it always feel like all of the good things that I thought happened to my life, I always assumed they happened in the summer? Summertime on a morning after the nighttime rain, listening to acoustic music, dreaming of a visible object, like a camera that I now own, staying alone in my room staring at the bookshelf on the wall picturing what it would be like in university. Oh sigh at how much has happened since that thought, since I used to play these songs. 

I started this thing in my journal under another depression about a year ago when I was in senior year, the reason why I  had depression, I had no idea. It seems like I always feel unhappy, although like Tyler straightly commented on my life, there's nothing to be unhappy about. But that thing was that I would picture myself a year from then, in order to find an escape from reality, which probably was I was under a bunch of pressure about studying and the university entrance exams and stuff. I only got to two days of that little project, then as boredom kicked in, I got back to writing bullcrap about how I was mistreated on everything which actually now looking back, I wasn't. I really wish my stupid bullcrap wouldn't have jumped on my face and I could continue to write for a few more days. In those short entries I wrote, I pictured myself knowing a headful of German words, which is by far quite true, being an exhausted but blissfully gay and carefree little freshman who would come home in a good mood everyday after school. Haha, but I must've forgotten to picture the people that I met in university. It was them who changed the picture.

I've wanted to continue that project, but the timing last year was absolutely impeccable because I acknowledged very well how in the mere two years my life would alter completely. Now it's not even a good time anymore.

This has gone a bit longer than a "short thoughts" tagged post I usually do, so I'm gonna stop babbling about things now.

Have a nice week :)

Yoghurt cup #62

credit: tumblr

• The amount of stuff that happened this week, although it's only Friday today, was hectic.
• Crappy online news paper that do crappy little work with people who think they're important and need that title, hiring the aspiring kids to do the crappy stealing work, fooling a generation of young kids with spoiled information and falsely directed lifestyles.
• My laptop's somehow still broken Y_Y
• Doing this work really makes me question my sense of photography. 
• People sometimes try too hard. I sometimes do too. I have this weird obsession with dazzlingly magical kids that sometimes I kind of plan out a list of how-to-act-like-your-dream-kid and follow it. I know people unconsciously have that wish to be one too.
• I kept this pipe dream that if I'd applied to another school, I wouldn't have felt quite lost like I do right now, but it's true you can't judge a book by its cover, I'm in my most suitable environment already. Stop struggling with things you don't have!
• Playlist: Bon Iver - Skinny Love. I'm very curious to find out how many times I've listened to this song in total. The Kooks - Ooh La & Kids. Been listening to an awful lot of The Kooks as well. And never underestimate the power of indie music when you're in a bad mood and need to make a decision. Lucy Rose - All I've Got. Soothing remedy. There's something fragile and light in her voice, she's like a softer, more delicate version of Ellie Goulding. Ellie Goulding - The Writer.The song for a good mood. A cute little song with cute little lyrics for those who are in love. I couldn't listen to this song for a couple of days at the beginning of this week. Lana Del Rey - Born To Die. I like her not because now she's become mainstream and her record topped the chart of about two hundred countries or shit like that. She's dramatic, I love a little drama.
• I need to re-download The Silver Seas' album.
• Little git, I miss you all the time, which is not a thing I'm supposed to do.
• And I tell more people about this than I ever should, I just needed to talk to someone, and I couldn't seek the escape I wanted so I tried another one. I always regret afterwards. And as I don't normally believe in human faith, I have this ridiculous fear that people will talk about it.
• I have to fix some things.

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I hate Mondays! :(

Today sucked so far, but thank God the people who did the misery to me were at least nice. I'm gonna lie around watching Monday TV shows tonight eating carbs hating on life. Have to be amazed at the amount of food I was able to eat when I'm angry.

Stop being delusional about that rejection message!

Saturday morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I should find a will and stay at home for an entire weekend once. Because look what I could do in a day when I'm a bit moody, as usual, and stay in my room, I finished that book L'Amant. So, when I don't flee around the city doing God-knows-what, I would love to lie around my room, taking badly arranged photos and pretending to have a life.

This is definitely just a phase, you're probably gonna see me locking myself in my room in a week or two, updating my blog almost everyday, just you wait.

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I was in the middle of a really long and eventful yoghurt cup then he said something yesterday that made me lose all of my interests in writing creatively whatsoever. It was something like, I'm not that different from everybody else, when I'm with people I get affected by them and act like them the whole time. He said that only when I'm alone do I feel like myself the most. I know I shouldn't take this too seriously but I can't help with the effect that it's created towards my every foundation of life. I know deep down I'm not that different from people, I only act weird and think that I am so that I could define who I am, but sometimes it's best to be kept ignorant about certain things.

I was going to start a long and boring talk about how I'm never sure about how people feel about me in general, but screw it. The more I write about it the more unnecessarily complicated it gets. Just enjoy the moment while it lasts and take some good photos. Life's better & easier spent that way.

Sunday.

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When in doubt, I usually put on a lot of eyeliner. Ever since I didn't own a piece of makeup to spare, I found a way to take anything that's intensively black and put it on my eyes. I have to state up front that in my usual makeup routine eyeliner is often neglected. Mostly because my eyelids aren't exactly designed for them, and they will easily smudge especially when I have to spend the entire day at school, and I don't wanna end up looking like a pathetic raccoon when I'm in the bus home at the end of the day. But when in doubt, I put on eyeliner, like a long lost ritual. Maybe because to take time to think about stuff, I need something strong, or strong-feeling enough, just to remind myself how to feel.
And I put on thick eyeliner today, With the split ends like one of those makeups done in the fashion weeks. Doesn't open up my eyes that much, doesn't make my face look prettier, it just adds drama to my eyes. Drama, like I need to create any more drama about my life.

Didn't think about writing anything at first, but when I removed my makeups earlier I thought I'd write something, anything.

And I listened to Never Easy again. Without. Crying.