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I hate Mondays! :(

Today sucked so far, but thank God the people who did the misery to me were at least nice. I'm gonna lie around watching Monday TV shows tonight eating carbs hating on life. Have to be amazed at the amount of food I was able to eat when I'm angry.

Stop being delusional about that rejection message!

Saturday morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I should find a will and stay at home for an entire weekend once. Because look what I could do in a day when I'm a bit moody, as usual, and stay in my room, I finished that book L'Amant. So, when I don't flee around the city doing God-knows-what, I would love to lie around my room, taking badly arranged photos and pretending to have a life.

This is definitely just a phase, you're probably gonna see me locking myself in my room in a week or two, updating my blog almost everyday, just you wait.

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I was in the middle of a really long and eventful yoghurt cup then he said something yesterday that made me lose all of my interests in writing creatively whatsoever. It was something like, I'm not that different from everybody else, when I'm with people I get affected by them and act like them the whole time. He said that only when I'm alone do I feel like myself the most. I know I shouldn't take this too seriously but I can't help with the effect that it's created towards my every foundation of life. I know deep down I'm not that different from people, I only act weird and think that I am so that I could define who I am, but sometimes it's best to be kept ignorant about certain things.

I was going to start a long and boring talk about how I'm never sure about how people feel about me in general, but screw it. The more I write about it the more unnecessarily complicated it gets. Just enjoy the moment while it lasts and take some good photos. Life's better & easier spent that way.

Sunday.

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When in doubt, I usually put on a lot of eyeliner. Ever since I didn't own a piece of makeup to spare, I found a way to take anything that's intensively black and put it on my eyes. I have to state up front that in my usual makeup routine eyeliner is often neglected. Mostly because my eyelids aren't exactly designed for them, and they will easily smudge especially when I have to spend the entire day at school, and I don't wanna end up looking like a pathetic raccoon when I'm in the bus home at the end of the day. But when in doubt, I put on eyeliner, like a long lost ritual. Maybe because to take time to think about stuff, I need something strong, or strong-feeling enough, just to remind myself how to feel.
And I put on thick eyeliner today, With the split ends like one of those makeups done in the fashion weeks. Doesn't open up my eyes that much, doesn't make my face look prettier, it just adds drama to my eyes. Drama, like I need to create any more drama about my life.

Didn't think about writing anything at first, but when I removed my makeups earlier I thought I'd write something, anything.

And I listened to Never Easy again. Without. Crying.

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I think I'm gonna give up drinking coffee for a little while, Because honestly tea makes me feel so much better.

I've wanted to write in here for a couple of days now but always found myself at a loss for what to say. Basically I haven't been feeling very well, hating on people for no reason, acting weird and annoying, making myself uncomfortable and all kinds of stuff. It's really disturbing being me.
And after watching Zombieland I want a gun even more badly. Just picture all of the pests I could shoot in the forehead with that machine!

Yoghurt cup #61

 credit: tumblr

• After the rain I've walked through today I think I deserve fried food.
• Fried chicken to be exact.
• No sunset today. The sky just went darker on its own. But I like it like that, reminds me a bit of night times in Moscow when the sky would just refuse to go dark although the atmosphere was starting to get dense and chilly to prepare for the long sleep to wake the day.
• And I like the fog looking afar. Makes the city look cold. Which is something relatively rare to feel here.
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• At first it was like missing a trip to the city, and your inside just kind of rolled up every time something reminded you of that trip. A cup of coffee, a photo, even the smell of the soap you'd bought in one of those previous trips you'd made. You thought of every way to get yourself in that old route, to grasp back the feeling you'd once been so accustomed to, but not even knowing what you would even do if you were to make it . After a while, it was like missing a seaside trip. Perfectly feasible, but not at the moment. The sound of the waves, the smell of the sea grew in you like a disease, but you knew you couldn't just flee to the bay, buy a ticket and be on your way carelessly. Circumstances wouldn't let you make that trip. At last, it was merely like missing a trip to a vigorously beautiful, yet faraway country that you've once been lucky to be to. Not in your reach anymore, just a glimpse of an experience flashing through the back of your mind every now and always, reminding you not about the place, but also the person you used to be, the streams of thoughts you used to swim in. Then, perfectly timed and placed, something will remind you, almost instantly that you have to live, right now, live the moment. And you rush through the time, leaving the memories like pieces of jewelry in the park, sparkling under the sunlight, waiting for your eyes to notice again.
• Rebecca Ferguson's voice is ab.so.lute.ly amazing. As fangirly as I have been for the past few days reading fan fics and saving photos, I somehow felt a bit gutted how Zayn doesn't date her anymore, cause she's so sweet and her voice is authenticity in the form of musical notes.
• My music taste is getting pretty weird and girly not even in a good way.
• I really wanna stay up late on nights like this just breathing the cold air but I usually get very tired after a long day at school like today and Camellia isn't always there so, I end up going to bed ridiculously early, thinking, oh well, if I can't stay up ridiculously late then I'd better do something to distinguish myself from the world that goes to bed at around 10, 11pm. Pfffffttt please.
• Because going to bed at a certain time is too mainstream haha
• I want one of those Wreck This Journal notebooks for multiple reasons: one, I'm a notebook collector, and every molecule in my vein started to scream right at the second I saw the first page inside that notebook. Two, I'm a journal writer, and I've been running out of inspiration for my own journal for a while now, and this thing is exactly what I need to have a feel-good-I-actually-created-something-fun-to-look-at moment that I've been lacking. Three, some people did a marvelously awesome job on their books and I wanna give it a try and see how mine goes. Four, the idea of carrying it around wherever I go kind of excites me. Because I've always managed to keep a distance between the world where I sit down and write journal and the actual socializing world I mostly live in, therefore somehow when I transfer my thoughts into words they tend to become so much more polished and metaphoric than needed. So maybe this is just another method of keeping your head down to earth or stuff like that. Nice idea.
• Wow that one went a little longer than expected.
• Yesterday I watched The Great Gatsby and was so annoyed by the so-called charismatic voice of Daisy Buchanan I had to call Camellia and share my burden. Then, after 50 minutes of having to endure the voice, I switched to watching Breakfast at Tiffany's with the more than gorgeous Paul Varjack and everybody's favorite cat who doesn't even own a name.
• Reminder: wash the Kabuki brush, again, clean the fish tank, sleep in for as late as possible.
• I've grown a weird love for sleeping several unnecessary hours straight for no reason.
• ( some part of me was glad that the randomly weird Jenny's slowly coming back in me. The other parts, I still haven't received any reception from them yet. )
• Alright, going to bed. Have a nice weekend folks.