OK new year new start, even for such a rusty corner like this blog. I've been encountering things that are not exactly pleasant lately, and goodness do I crave for that trip we've booked last month. Working is never easy, but there are times when you feel like you can breathe in bigger heap of air than others.
- My working enthusiasm has dropped down like an avalanche in the past 2 weeks. I can't remember a time when I was so eager to sit down a work on a proper graphic. Trust me, although that time comes rather rarely in my working pattern, it does come, and used to come on quite rapidly before I started the new project.
- So the thing is that we've just launched a new series, in which we basically (try to) make recipes of classic street food dishes. Sounds easy. NOT. Problems start jumping along the way, either with my boss being the most vague person ever, or with the new collaborator-turned-editor that was hired 3 weeks ago, who has been so far, sadly, inadequate. My boss kind of refuses to let people into her head and actually figure out what her ideas are, and the boy is too naive and didn't have the guts to ask further, or research about the damn thing that he's about to make.
- Result of that wonderful teamwork is me, trying to get everyone to work, trying my hardest not to piss my boss off, writing long-ass emails filled with scolding words that even I would be ashamed to read again, always being in the mood of explaining and, basically, talking back to my boss each and every damn time she's not happy with any detail in the articles.
- It's a lot of work to get this thing into system, if at all. It would be wonderful if I could get a fucking raise or something, cause I can feel the neurons in my brain being washed off every time my boss gets kinky or the collaborator acts useless.
- Idk I just wanna get it out there. My Facebook is filled with friends who just quit their jobs, who do 1-month backpack trips around the country, who are married and like to rub their happiness into people's faces. Am I missing on some kind of youth lifestyle or something?
- There are a couple things that act as my Achilles heel. Which basically means, if you bring it up the wrong way, I swear I'll fight you to death with it. I'm also a headstrong, so every time people mess up on conversing, I just sit there with the thought, dumbass communicates like a retarded, why hasn't natural selection eliminated you yet.
- And racism is one of them. The time I spent in Germany was eye-opening for me, not because they have Straßenbahnen, which was mega-awesome by the way, but because it was the first time I felt so conscious about where I come from. I acknowledged racism with a much closer take than before, because where I live is not exactly the most cosmopolitan environment.
- A friend of mine, to whom I like to talk sometimes, got racist last night. Needless to say I was beyond angry. The very friend who stood by and saw me in a racist situation months ago and decided not to do anything in my defense.
- Racism is just something people do that I deeply do not understand why they have to do that. I'm just disappointed. The kind of disappointment where you just can't compensate.
- I don't like to lose friends. I've lost so many already just for being myself, and things like that really makes me question my self-esteem and my morals as a person. So the ones that are able to put up with me are the ones to keep. Especially since I haven't had many contacts left after Germany, and as much as I hate communicating through comments and Whatsapp messages, I still push myself to do it just for the sake of it. So when I got mad to the point where I thought I couldn't go to sleep anymore, I thought, is this it?
- Maybe I'm just being unreasonable, but for now I'm just so fed up with it that I need some time to digest this.
I guess it's fair that there's a time like this every once in a while. And eventually I'll bounce back or move on to some other state of mind. It's all about where you decide to say "eventually" actually. I haven't been able to have good sleeps lately, and it affects my mood I think. I really need to check out all of those pillow mists that people have been talking so much about.
Sorry that my long-time-no-write post is filled with all of these negative things. If you're reading this, I hope you have a better sleep than I do lately. Stay hydrated humans.
