yoghurt cup 108

• Hello from Germany. You don't think I'd forget about this hideout do ya? 
• I don't know how to begin the life I have here in Germany. I wouldn't say it's a hideous mess, but a glorious rock-star life has no resemblance either. It's kind of a mixture of both, but it's anything but boring.
• Thing #1: Stuff happened, of course. With my set of personality and the freedom of expression provided here in Europe, I wouldn't be blind to pass out a chance to get wild. What surprises me is just that, my getting wild somehow got quite a lot of people upset. Times like this really made me scan myself mentally, trying to wrap my head around the matter to see how others understand things that in my world are just so normal and most likely overlooked. Times like this also made me realize, that nature does a wonderful job of filtering people in my life, not necessarily good or bad, just people who at one point can't walk the same path with me anymore.
• It's lonely as fuck have to admit. Years of being alone has taught me not to grow clingy to people, otherwise you'll make yourself boring and it won't go anywhere. And actually, I don't even feel half bad, guess it's just the power of the mind when you've got everything settled and determine which people you need and don't need in life. It just saddens me to know that sometimes people throw things away so easily, especially things that I consider to be important. Oh the things you learn at age 21.
• Thing #2: I know the things that I do with guys here, I won't be able to tell anybody, because they're just too much for the people at home to handle. 
• We did sleepover, twice. We held hands, he toyed with my hair, i pretended to be sleepy to hug him while I slept, just small kid stuff. I need these kinds of moments, since I've been occupying my mind too much with heavy social things, and since he kind of said 'i thought you'd be a more carefree girl'.
• I don't actually like him or have a crush on him or anything. We both know we have another half waiting somewhere, and that's what makes it so fragile. I guess I'm just tired of being the man in the relationship, where I have to stand up and give advices and tell things like 'it's alright, don't worry, tomorrow's gonna be better' even though I have a thousand things swinging in my mind. I somehow have a feeling like he wants someone like a kid or a little sister to take care of, and a little bit better, to cuddle and do cute stuff with. One great thing about this is that, although it's so fragile, I'm very certain he's not gonna do anything to me, not gonna cross the line no matter what we do. Another great thing, I don't have to care about whether he has the characteristics, whether he's determined enough or what his life goals are, the kind of friendship where you care, you have real feelings, but don't ask too much from the other, knowing that it's merely pointless to have so many worries in such little time.
• Thing #3: Talking about wearing the pants in the relationship, I can see how mine is deteriorating. It's not a good thing I have to admit, to a point where I just don't give a fuck if MJ wants to sabotage my life and just tell him everything I've done here. I'm dealing with 1000 things, my head is always heavy no matter what I do, and I can't share to him, because I know for sure he will never understand it. Times like this change me, but not completely, it just takes out the unplanted seeds in my mind and nurtures it into a tiny tree that directs me to another way. I ask too much from people, that they have to understand me from the roots, and I know it's impossible, but still, as I change and my feelings change, I feel bad for the things I have to leave behind.
• He's in a breakdown, I am too. He cries to me about it a couple of days ago, and as I tiredly typed pointless advices I realized how I didn't have the mental capacity to care about his problems when I still haven't quite sorted out mine. A 18-year-old me would feel immediately bad, and just run back to him no matter what, and try to listen to everything. But the tired and troublesome 21-year-old me glanced through his words and thought, isn't this supposed to be the other way, where I'm the one who asks for advices and knows for sure that I'll feel better after the pep-talk?
• No matter what I do to anyone, I feel bad.
• That, is what you missed, on my life in Germany.