Ice cream cone #93: here we go again

• Today I did something everybody, including myself, had tried to stop myself from doing. I went out with him this morning. Everybody stopped me because they think he's just plainly poisonous, he'll give me illusions about a real relationship and then flies away to wherever he is and I'm left here, whining and crying about it, and some of them will get tired of having to listen to me talking about the same story over and over again. I stopped myself because as much as I like the idea of being friends with benefit, because hell I need that, I can't set my thoughts straight about not developing feelings with him.
• All in all, fuck feelings. Why do I have so many of them anyways? Does anybody need some feelings, here take it, take it all from me if you please.
• It went really well, much better than I'd expected, probably cause I knew what he would do and all, and set myself up with some barriers, or at least I think I did. I'm not gonna go into details because in the moment of despair when he's already back in wonderland and I'm left with nothing short of foul humans, I'm gonna turn the blog upside down and read back every post about this, and I'd rather not hurt myself in the future.
• Because, funny enough, actions change their meanings after time. They may start out as something cute and sweet, makes you swoon and sweeps you off of your feet, but as people change, you look at those actions with different points of view. It's scary how a single action could turn from meaning everything to you to being the worst hoax ever created. Humans are devious.
• If I'm gonna be devastated about this, which I will be, thanks to my zero self-control, I at least just want to keep a nice image about him. Things have happened that made me really scared about how people could turn out, and how much I'm affected by it. So I'm gonna be devastated by choice, not by chance. And to be honest, my sensible side just wants things to go like this. He's cute and sweet, I don't need to know anything about him, there's always movies dates with cuddles, no big talks,... all of those things. Relationships are at their peak at this point, why wanna fall down?
• I think too much about this. Don't know if it's even a good thing, because, in my defense, I only think things beforehand, so that I won't be shocked later on, control-freak logic. This is just mental exercise, I've had problems with my digestion system already I don't want things to get worse.
• Talking about my digestion system, this morning I had this horrible panic attack and had the worst stomachache ever, almost to the point when I would have to take my phone out and text him that I can't make it. It started out as the anxiety + excitement to see him, and turned into a physical feeling that I couldn't control. What the hell?
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• Five minutes to talk about this, because I don't really wanna write it out as I've made a vow to myself to never look back at my past with that person ever again. Today he was 10 minutes late, and as I was sitting in the middle of the crowded movie theater I had this strong feeling that he was gonna bail on me. As time went by, minute by minute I was more convinced that soon I'd be bailed on, and would have to cope with the fact that all of those anxiety attack and the excitement and the talks and everything would be just foolish acts. Have I stooped to the point where every time I go out with a guy, I'll have to wait for him to take me for granted? I have a fast rebound rate, so as soon as I saw him with his ridiculous red pair of sneakers I was feeling almost happy, but I bet in a hundred years he could never guess how wrecked up I am on the inside.
• So that's it. Thoughts and doubts that I need to get out of my head after one date with a guy I haven't seen in a proper year. Final call: you're allowed to go to bed thinking about all of the sweet things that he did to you today, but no further than that, because after all, those things were the only good thing that's happened to you in a while.
• I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, hopefully the sand and salty water will get my mind out of this for a couple of days.

Ice cream cone #92: rainy summer days

• Because it is like that in this city, summer begins when it starts to rain. I guess it's a good thing since the normal temperature is way too unbearable. On days like today, when there's obviously no sign that a raindrop is to be shed, people simply can't be romantic. I think I wrote about this before, but the happiness of humans in Saigon at this time of the year is reduced to finding a shade to park under when the traffic light turns red, and maybe finding a place with air-conditioning with drinks that don't cost them too much money.
• So on rainy days, when the heat's toned down a beat and the winds are cold, the Saigonese (as I like to call them) try to be as romantic as they can be.
• I like Au Parc. I like it even more when it rains. I looked it up on Google Translate, "au parc" means "at the park" in English. And it does feel like that. The café always has this dark and chilled vibe to it, with a really big window outlooking the park. There's always good music, and I mean really good, with jazz and soul and maybe some contemporary tracks that make people just wanna lay back and enjoy. I guess it happens to other people as well, to have a place that they like for just really small reasons. On rainy days, the guests in Au Parc would just stare at the glazed window and talk about their friends and what good places to eat. They're mostly foreigners, maybe a bit lost, or adventurous in such a chaotic and different city like Saigon, watching the rare rain in the middle of summer and maybe enjoying the music. I like watching people in general, maybe that's why I'm so fascinated with Andy Warhol, but the kind of people who stop at Au Parc always bring with them a story. I like to watch them secretly, follow their stories like a little stalker, and imagine what their lives would be like. I like to do that, not just with people, but with houses as well. I guess the imagination in my head is always hungry for materials, and the talks of the people in Au Parc are just spicy enough.
• It's true, from what I've observed, it's not easy to fall in love with this city. How can you grow feelings at all when you're always worried that your phone's gonna be stolen, that the streets are gonna be jammed, when for at least 20 minutes a day you have to breath in exhaust gas and when there's absolutely no pavement to walk? But you have to learn how to do that I guess, in order to make your life easier. Each day when you get home, feel your pocket and realize that your phone's still there, you're a winning warrior. Each day when you get out of the traffic jam, get home and reward yourself with a foot scrub, you feel like it will get better. At least that's what I do on a bad day, when the city gets difficult.
• I always have this intention in my head that before I go away, I'll spend an entire day doing memorable things with the city. Maybe making a random video, or taking some polaroid photos, or scratching my name on a tree in the park, just to have something to look back on.
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• Soooo, another eventful week. I wrote this post about a week ago I think, and a day passed by and I found myself craving to get in here to recite the things that have happened. But I'm glad I didn't do that, because as days went by, I was able to arrange my thoughts and write down things that don't only serve the purpose of getting the anger out.
• So this is the first step huh? I guess everybody carries a check list by their side, and when stuff happens, they tick on another box on the list of how to be a grown up. I can see why people want to go back to their childhood so badly as growing up does suck, but I'm trying to look on the bright side here.
• And the bright side is that, the more you grow up, the more you can have fun being yourself without being constantly told about how to do things right. That was probably one of the biggest things that I enjoy in my growing up process. I don't know about others, most of my friends are thrilled with this idea, but I know some people aren't very much. Growing up also means you get to be independent of your family. In my case, the more I'm independent, the more I appreciate the value of family. It doesn't even mean that you care less, it just means that you do the work in the family voluntarily. You do it because you care, not because it's something your mom tells you to do. 
• This post is gonna be long and wordy, so no need to read til the end. I'm just gonna babble about random stuff from this point on. It's International Children's Day today.
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• Rain season = shoes damage season. I'm in the hunt for a pair of jelly shoes that will be my savior when the rain decides to pay a visit. I think my Converse were really mad at me today, because they were soaking wet and are now super super dirty. But my problem with finding the right pair of shoes is that, I have elephant-sized feet, comparing to the average population in this country. Therefore, shoes shopping is a more than painful task as it only embraces how much I resemble a troll. Hopefully I'll finally find a pair of satisfying shoes before the rain season's over and all of my boots and sneakers and flats are completely damaged.
• It's been raining even more now, almost everyday this week. It's a good sign, since it's still sunny (a little bit too sunny if you know what I mean) in the morning, gets really pleasant at noon as the sky becomes cloudy and the temperature drops significantly, and then here comes the big ass rain that only lasts for an hour or so, depends on where you live. After the rain, everything becomes nicer. I'm trying to form a habit of taking a walk every evening before work, as it helps with the digestion of dinner and gives me more energy, therefore the rain helps with cleaning up the streets and cooling down the temperature. After about half an hour of walking yesterday I felt so good that I thought to myself "I have to make a habit out of this!". When you don't get wet, rain is everything that a person could dream of in this city.
• As my stomach has given me the final warning, and as for today I am no longer a third year student and have officially entered the summer vacation, I'm gonna set up a healthy lifestyle. I guess during the year I always convince myself that I didn't have time for anything, so I allowed myself to be a slacker when it comes to working. Last summer I thought, when I have the time, I'll devote myself to work completely, but it happened otherwise, which was that I spent too much time going out and doing whatever it was that I can't even remember, and neglected my work just as much as I did throughout the school year. That's why I'm a little bit scared that this summer's gonna be the same, unless I motivate myself from the start, that things have to be different. I have a few ideas to elaborate, hopefully I'll be able to do them all alongside with the travelling and going out with friends.
• Again, so so sorry for the length of this one, I just simply have a lot to say. The content of this post is the sum of around three normal posts, had I published them normally. I think the main reason is because tumblr has been really short on beautiful photos lately that I wasn't able to find any that were suitable for my mood. But as I'm feeling very motivated today, I'm gonna publish this long ass post no matter what haha. Please bear with me.
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• I have so so so much to write down, but I guess I'll take some time to form it more properly in my head and save it as material for another post.