Yoghurt cup #67

• I'm back to my old living life faster than I thought I'd be. Probably because it was the life I was completely devoted in for the past four years that I was too eager to grasp a hold of it.
• Back to the days of listening to unknown music, enjoying a jazz song with cheesy but sweet lyrics, having an urge to write, to take photos, to even leave the vanity life that I was suddenly into. 
• Why is it that I know exactly what to do, but still let myself flow with the current? I'd be better living alone, because I'd always be too demanding, too time-consuming, too much of a bad influence just by speaking outrageously words that I won't even give a second thought to consider.
• How is it that I could have forgotten about how actually good the lonely life sounded for such a long time? What was I really chasing? Faded feelings that I'd been craving for such a long time? What did he have to offer me? Half a heart and a forced smile? That was what I was willing to trade everything for?
• My hair falls down a lot. Probably because of the heat of this city. Living under this heat kind of stops people from thinking deeply I think. They only start digging their minds when the rays strike and all they had to worry about was a shade to stand under and a piece of tissue to wipe of the sweat. There's really no time for anyone to go find a spot for their own, because all places in this city is covered in rays of blazing heat.
• There's no place or time to balance a man in life.
• I want to go eat out and go buy some canvases and hang on my wall yes that's what I'll do.
• I have this talent/disability to be able to forget about upsetting things when I'm around people. Maybe that's why people never see me getting sad. I hate that feature about myself, makes me feel like even I honestly have no feelings about it.
• Christmas is near. The thought of Christmas always warms me up I have no idea why.

Yoghurt cup #66

• 11:40pm. Sleepy night, again. I've had intentions to write here for a couple days now, just to know how it would feel like to grasp a breeze of what my mind used to be.
• I feel like I'm changing everyday I don't know why. I give myself more rights to do indulgent stuff, which I affirm that I deserve after a lifetime of working nonstop.
• And I have been working a lot lately. First time to know how it feels like not to have time to nurture your darling personality anymore. I've cut back my tumblr time, and my blogging time, I barely log on to blogspot anymore, which used to be something I do every three hours of a day.
• Not having time for myself led to not having time to think about what is messed up with my life. Actually, as busy as you might be, thoughts will find their way to creep into the creeks of your mind, waiting for the right time to burst out.
• A well crammed bus with thoughts merely around how to get out of the bus alive, and how to sit without having any skin contact with the person aside, or how to get back at a mean person who stares shamelessly, or sleeps with such creative and unbearable postures. Thank God it's crammed, and thank God all I had to worry about in the bus was how to win the air conditioner with the guy next to me who spent the entire hour on the bus lecturing his child at home.
• So that I don't have time to think.
• Watched whatever's-left-of-a-used-to-be-beautiful-sunset today. And fucking sadly, he found my spot.
• I don't mean harm, but we can't get along no matter what. Probably because I look at people in life different than mom, or because I'm not old and wise way before my age to be attracted by such characters that are endearing and stable. Fuck endear, fuck stability, every time I look at their marriage, it creeps me out with the weirdest feeling.
• Good to know that I can still speak English. Thought German has found its way to invade my linguistic side of brain.
• As you change, you realize you believe in less people, and the best people will always leave. 
• This is why I don't wanna think about the future. For one moment there, I had thoughts about 5 years from now, will I still be friends with him?
• He seems to be the most important thing in my life right now, and I spend an apparently big amount of time of the day just to talk to him. Regardless, he's irreplaceable, and I'm not opted for a backup solution if he has sudden interest in that fucking tits-face walking round the school.

Updates from me. Nothing new, just me being depressive, as usual. Listen to John Mayer everyone!

And I honestly still don't understand how this blog's page view still goes up in a mysterious way.

• Here I am, another sleepy night with my blog.
• How long have i abandoned this place?
• Anyways, same bed, same laptop, same stories, just a different person telling it.
• I've changed. In a way that's able to fit work and study in the same day, try not to think about the choices and mistakes I've made, talk more, think a little bit less, and only about important stuff. 
• And try not to get accustomed to the fact of having him around.
• He thinks too much about things that I don't think about, and I've learned about realization a lot while knowing him. I wish I could take emotional stuff as easy as those other girls whose lives I've witnessed, but I can't. That's what the brain is for. It's there to remind us that our heart is a stupid creature that has a power more than it can realize.
• I saw a little cat today. It was so small I feel like it can stand on two palms of my hands. I want a cat, or I just want a creature small enough with attitude like a cat. 
• Every once in a while, I still realize I'm alone in this world. What am I trying to do ?
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Yoghurt cup #65

• Probably longest time no write, I was quite pleasantly surprised to see the new layout for the 'Compose post' page :'D
• I was going through some stuff lately that I couldn't write down. I guess I've changed my life routine a bit as well to adapt to the changes. I don't feel like myself that much, I feel more like I've just started the journey to find myself.
• As I stepped the other foot out of their world, suddenly, it becomes so strange to me. It almost feels like I never belonged there, and the people living in it never considered me to be one of them. That world gives me a feeling that anyone who gets chosen in must go through somewhat a test and once they're in, they fit with each other perfectly, like a puzzle.
• Is it too wrong to not even regret? I don't feel anything at all. It just feels like I'm on my own now. I'm a step farther from things that forced me to think differently than usual.
• I'm not even sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, it's just what happens right now.
• I'm a stranger again. Nobody knows me.
• In The Morning - Bee Gees
• I wanna travel so bad, to calm and to direct my head from thinking unnecessary things.
• Nothing is permanent. There is no such thing as a person who will willingly spend their time with you. Never let yourself forget that.
• I might set this blog on private because nobody reads it anyways, and I'm starting to write stuff that some of my followers who actually know me in real life wouldn't be comfortable to read.
• Watched Dark Knight Rises today. Pretty awesome the Robin part. And all of Anne Hathaway's lines. Very well done Nolan.
• And Zimmer has really stepped to another level with this movie's score.
• People who don't watch any other part of The Batman sequence please sew your mouths up when you're in the theater.
• Tyler & I discovered a coffee & crepe shop that has a Doraemon figure puzzle. And the crepes were sooo good I was so overjoyed D':
• And it's just right next to the university. How majestic is that.
• I'm starting to want to back out from this volunteering program. How is it that I always get myself into so - many - things that I don't even know how to get out???
• I have to buy contact lenses because wearing a pair of glasses is starting to be a burden to my vision.
• I have officially gained no interest towards makeups whatsoever. Partly because now that I no longer have a best friend who is a makeup addict, I no longer have to care about looking good as a responsibility. Partly because Tyler makes me feel comfortable even when I'm going out with him in my bare (and unbearably ugly) face, therefore no makeup is indeed needed, and the makeup removing procedure takes so much time and energy and I usually get allergic from the makeup removing cleanser that I'm using, so, it's not exactly the best feeling in the world to put on makeups.
• It's like I'm living in another life. A temporary life that will change, or is changing in front of me.

Random June.

A couple of boredom photos to celebrate the fact that I screwed up at this morning's test and my sudden realization that I need human so much more than I could imagine.

The flea market.

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Going to the flea market has somehow become a need each month. Although I never acquire enough financial support to buy whatever I want, I could still satisfy myself a bit with a couple of crazy bracelets and crop tops.
And, it rained cats & dogs yesterday, which made it impossible to stalk and photograph beautiful girls.

Oh my God for a total of two days I totally forgot that I had a blog! And now I'm back on my blogger homepage to happily find out that my favorite photo bloggers have uploaded numerous of wonderful entries about their perfect little lives.

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Eating Shio-ramen with Camellia. Maybe my passion in Japanese food really only lies in California rolls and katsu-don T.T

Yoghurt cup #63

(Random photos that I saved from the first and second page of my tumblr. Basically all of my photos are lost in negative space because of my numerous times of bringing the computer to reparation T^T)

• Longest time no write. Although yes there were times that I've abandoned this blog in a longer time than this, this feels like the longest because you log on to your blog everyday, stare at the blank Compose page in front of you for about ten minutes, then turn it off because you have absolutely no idea how to start describing your life in the past few weeks.
• I have to admit i got a little bored as well, but I guess the very main reason why I didn't wanna blog much lately is because I haven't any photos to start a yoghurt cup.
• I want the silly bandz so badddd! When I have my first salary I'll definitely buy the first silly bandz packet that I see.
• And I've bought a bunch of friendship bracelets and got obsessed over it. Basically whenever I have money in hand all I could think of was "How can I get to the mall to buy some friendship bracelets? HOW???"
• And every once and always when I have money in hand I think about food.
• Like right now. I want that imported chocolate cookies.
• I think I'm in my bulimia phase since I'm hungry all the time and crave for anything in the corner of my eye.
• Time after time, I've taught myself how to cry in complete silence, to hide my swollen nose and reddish eyes, to breath without causing a single sound. 
• What if I'm dead? I don't want anyone of you to pretend like you care about me. No feelings are achieved naturally, they're all a part of an exchange. No, really, I'd rather have nobody care about the fact that I'm not here anymore than having people crying and mourning and do all bullshit stuff that they feel obliged to do to earn their Good Person title.
• Godddddd if it weren't because of the responsibility that this society has put up on human I would die right now.
• Humans are disgusting.

Stormy weather

Photos taken on some of my go-out dates recently. When the city wasn't wounded.

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It's sunny again today. What a city. No matter what she's been put through, the next day, she still manages to cover itself in sun rays like she's trying to say, now now, everything's fine now. 

I can't stay anywhere else other than here. Although there were numerous times when I desperately wanted to move to the seaside and stay for a month or two, I always came crawling back "fix und fertig" as the German usually said to love this city again. 

Cold days like this reminds me of the early summertime, which got me thinking, why does it always feel like all of the good things that I thought happened to my life, I always assumed they happened in the summer? Summertime on a morning after the nighttime rain, listening to acoustic music, dreaming of a visible object, like a camera that I now own, staying alone in my room staring at the bookshelf on the wall picturing what it would be like in university. Oh sigh at how much has happened since that thought, since I used to play these songs. 

I started this thing in my journal under another depression about a year ago when I was in senior year, the reason why I  had depression, I had no idea. It seems like I always feel unhappy, although like Tyler straightly commented on my life, there's nothing to be unhappy about. But that thing was that I would picture myself a year from then, in order to find an escape from reality, which probably was I was under a bunch of pressure about studying and the university entrance exams and stuff. I only got to two days of that little project, then as boredom kicked in, I got back to writing bullcrap about how I was mistreated on everything which actually now looking back, I wasn't. I really wish my stupid bullcrap wouldn't have jumped on my face and I could continue to write for a few more days. In those short entries I wrote, I pictured myself knowing a headful of German words, which is by far quite true, being an exhausted but blissfully gay and carefree little freshman who would come home in a good mood everyday after school. Haha, but I must've forgotten to picture the people that I met in university. It was them who changed the picture.

I've wanted to continue that project, but the timing last year was absolutely impeccable because I acknowledged very well how in the mere two years my life would alter completely. Now it's not even a good time anymore.

This has gone a bit longer than a "short thoughts" tagged post I usually do, so I'm gonna stop babbling about things now.

Have a nice week :)

Yoghurt cup #62

credit: tumblr

• The amount of stuff that happened this week, although it's only Friday today, was hectic.
• Crappy online news paper that do crappy little work with people who think they're important and need that title, hiring the aspiring kids to do the crappy stealing work, fooling a generation of young kids with spoiled information and falsely directed lifestyles.
• My laptop's somehow still broken Y_Y
• Doing this work really makes me question my sense of photography. 
• People sometimes try too hard. I sometimes do too. I have this weird obsession with dazzlingly magical kids that sometimes I kind of plan out a list of how-to-act-like-your-dream-kid and follow it. I know people unconsciously have that wish to be one too.
• I kept this pipe dream that if I'd applied to another school, I wouldn't have felt quite lost like I do right now, but it's true you can't judge a book by its cover, I'm in my most suitable environment already. Stop struggling with things you don't have!
• Playlist: Bon Iver - Skinny Love. I'm very curious to find out how many times I've listened to this song in total. The Kooks - Ooh La & Kids. Been listening to an awful lot of The Kooks as well. And never underestimate the power of indie music when you're in a bad mood and need to make a decision. Lucy Rose - All I've Got. Soothing remedy. There's something fragile and light in her voice, she's like a softer, more delicate version of Ellie Goulding. Ellie Goulding - The Writer.The song for a good mood. A cute little song with cute little lyrics for those who are in love. I couldn't listen to this song for a couple of days at the beginning of this week. Lana Del Rey - Born To Die. I like her not because now she's become mainstream and her record topped the chart of about two hundred countries or shit like that. She's dramatic, I love a little drama.
• I need to re-download The Silver Seas' album.
• Little git, I miss you all the time, which is not a thing I'm supposed to do.
• And I tell more people about this than I ever should, I just needed to talk to someone, and I couldn't seek the escape I wanted so I tried another one. I always regret afterwards. And as I don't normally believe in human faith, I have this ridiculous fear that people will talk about it.
• I have to fix some things.

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I hate Mondays! :(

Today sucked so far, but thank God the people who did the misery to me were at least nice. I'm gonna lie around watching Monday TV shows tonight eating carbs hating on life. Have to be amazed at the amount of food I was able to eat when I'm angry.

Stop being delusional about that rejection message!

Saturday morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I should find a will and stay at home for an entire weekend once. Because look what I could do in a day when I'm a bit moody, as usual, and stay in my room, I finished that book L'Amant. So, when I don't flee around the city doing God-knows-what, I would love to lie around my room, taking badly arranged photos and pretending to have a life.

This is definitely just a phase, you're probably gonna see me locking myself in my room in a week or two, updating my blog almost everyday, just you wait.